Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
I just don't have a good feeling at all in the pit of my stomach. All that I seem to focus on is that BF has extended his lease for another 6 months, I know that this is the right thing to do but I just feel that he should have been actively pushing me to come home? He has not done this once. This takes me back to his relationship ambivalence. Also, I have been outside his house a few times now and he seems to have it all very well set up for someone who is just there temporarily. It is so confusing though as he still hasn't changed any of his addresses and still put down my address on our sons school records. He is also still paying for works to be done on our house.
Rather than trying to read the signs, which, as you say, are contradictory and confusing, just see how things pan out in the next few weeks. You've only just begun this new journey, following your conversation on Wednesday. You never asked for commitment and stated your conditions clearly until then. You did send Plan B letters that stated conditions, but your behaviour was completely at odds with what you wrote in them.

You're starting again now.

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
Last night when I saw BF he asked if I wanted to join them all for dinner and I said I already had plans but I should have told him that I was meeting a girlfriend for dinner. He then walked in the house very quickly. I then received the not very nice text complaining about the clothes I left him. I sent a later text saying that I hope you are all having a nice evening with a kiss and I received a note saying the kids were asleep and a thumbs up. Then he left a instagram post on his social media saying;

"Early evening at The Tavern eating fish pie, kids fish & chips, G&T, J2O’s & now on the sofa watching the new Scooby Doo movie ‘Scoob’.. best Friday night in months... what lockdown Scoobs"

This also had a picture of all 3 of them sat in his house. This is the first time he has put a social media post of him in his house. Also a double whammy that this is his best Friday night in months, slightly insulting for all the Fridays we have spent together.

I think this is a reaction to me going out.
It does seem as if he was upset, and his later behaviour seems unnecessarily unpleasant. The "G&T" part was not acceptable.

You could ask whether he was upset after you turned him down, and if so, why (do not assume you know how he felt). It might be worth explaining to him that you had already planned to go out with a girlfriend, and that you do not intend to socialise with men. You could suggest that if you two are to give your relationship another chance, it would be a good idea to agree with each other about meeting up together with the kids, and going out alone with friends. You also need to tell him that he has to never drink again if he wants to be with you.

If you were married and living together, we'd urge you to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA). This is based on the understanding that everything you do potentially has an affect on your spouse's feelings for you. If you are to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness, you need to never do things that upset each other. That means that, in your general lifestyle, and when it comes to specific events and issues, you need to agree enthusiastically to actions, separate and joint.

That means that if your spouse is unhappy with you going to pubs or to dinner with friends (without him), you wouldn't do it. You would work on become each other's favourite recreational companions, and you would date each other several times a week, and when all that was done, there probably wouldn't be either the time, or the attraction, for Friday nights out dining out with friends. You would come to an enthusiastic agreement about how to spend Friday nights together. You would also be able to find a way to see your best girlfriend alone, in such a way that it does not make your spouse jealous and does not compete in terms of happiness with spending time with him. (And of course this works both ways.)

You are not married and not living together, but you are working towards those things. And while there is no obligation to practice POJA while dating someone, seeing whether someone is willing to be considerate to your feelings is a good way of weeding out those are are poor prospects for marriage. Now, you are asking him to demonstrate extraordinary care about your feelings by being faithful, giving up drinking, expressing dislikes constructively (no sulking and silent treatment) and so on. You, in turn, need to care if he's upset about your going out to have fun without him, and any other issues he brings up. The one thing you shouldn't do is give him the impression that he can "do one" if he doesn't like you as you are.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.