Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
When BF turned up on the drive he got out the car and gave me a kiss on the lips. We sat and had a couple of hours in the garden just chatting the 2 of us whilst the children watched TV. We were filling each other in on the weekend, and I told him about my pre booked plans Friday night, and how it was a quiet dinner just my girlfriend and I. I also told him how I had a quiet day Saturday planning tennis then doing some gardening in the afternoon.
This sounds very good. How did he respond when you told him about Friday? Even if he didn't speak, did he look as if he appreciated the information?

It would be good practice for you to tell him conversationally about your plans to spend time doing whatever. If you were married and living together Dr Harley would encourage you to lead integrated lives where you do not plan activities without taking each other into account. You wouldn't make plans and then announce them; you would spend most of your recreational time with him anyway, and ask him how he would feel about your doing whatever. While you are separated ad building up towards marriage you could practice this kind of behaviour, showing him how you expect to live later, and how fulfilling that lifestyle would be,

Originally Posted by Coolbeginnings
2 main positives about yesterday is BF asked me to sit down and make some plans for over the summer dates for him and I to spend time together and dates for us to spend family time. The other thing he kept telling me about was his lack of drinking over the weekend and how he took the children for dinner Sat evening and he drank mineral water, I didn't even have to ask! He looks so much better already and I so prefer him when he is not drinking. I think he is really taking this seriously. So far so good.

I am so happy. One thing I do need to sort out is my highs and lows. LAst week I got into such a state and really wandering about my hormones? I seem to get hit with a real low mid month. Something for me to sort out?
Each time, tell him that you're pleased when he says he didn't drink, and tell him from time to time how much better he's looking. Show him that you're pleased to make plans to spend time together. You're trying to let him know that you want to be together as a (married) family, and that the way to achieve that is to both change the behaviours that made you unhappy in the past.

Remember that the changes that you are asking from him are non-negotiable, and that you need to see them over a sustained period before you contemplate marrying and moving in together. You don't need to tell him that unless something forces you to; this is for you to bear in mind every day, so that your confidence grows and you're not let down again.

If you find the highs and lows continue over the next month, consider talking to your GP about a change of anti-depressants. In had to go on them a while back, and a low dose just took the edge off my worrying, broken sleep and general anxiety. I took them for about 2.5 years and came off them very easily.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.