CB - the loop is the endless cycle where you wonder why he does not push to get you back, why you aren't on his social media, why he seems happy to live alone, why he isn't pushing for marriage, and whether you deserve better, what would become of the kids if you end the relationship for good, being glad that he took you out on the boat and you had a nice time, being glad when he appears to be sober for days, then doubting everything all over again when he is moody and withdrawn. You doubt whether you should issue an ultimatum about drink and drugs, because if he fails it, could you actually live without him?....and on and on, over and over.

I'm not disparaging you for this because I know why you do it and I've done it myself. Your love for your children makes it hard for you to contemplate making a decision that you will never live with BF again -a decision that will have a profound impact on their lives, for ever. I grew up as the child of divorced parents, and because of the financial hardship and also - much worse - the emotional derangement that it caused to my mother, with horrifying effects for us children, I did all I could to avoid taking a decision to divorce when all the chaos was going on in my marriage. The greater difficulty for you than I faced is that BF has not taken any steps to end the chaos in your relationship and punishes you when you try to address it - which leads us to NED's second point.

If you can convey the non-negotiable requirement for him to go to rehab, and if he accepts it, you will know that he is serious about protecting you and the kids.

Now, he might not be willing to accept the requirement, and thus you will have your answer about whether to sustain the relationship. But you can't get an answer if you won't even state the requirement; face-to-face or in a letter.

Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.