I am just going to say how I feel.

I really don't know how it has ended up being like this. The last year has been a living nightmare and I keep thinking its not actually happening and I am going to wake up, but I don't. Everytime I look at their innocent little faces I just think that they deserve so much better. This time of year should be us going Christmas shopping together for the kids and putting up decorations and having a good time and getting ready for a family ski holiday. We have it all, a great chemistry you and I, 2 beautiful children, a beautiful home and your successful business and most importantly we are all healthy.

This situation we are in now is so confusing for us all. Even the situation we were in being 'together' but living separately was horrible. The kids would ask is Daddy coming tonight and I would never know for sure. Although I know the separation was the right thing to do, you never said you wanted to come home at all, not once. I thought when you moved out in Jan this year, that I was setting you free as you you just weren't in love with me anymore. I kind of accepted it and expected you just to do your own thing, meet someone else ect. Then you came back, seemingly distressed from being away from your family wanting to be together again.

Now I feel as though we have messed the kids around again, they are so confused they don't know what is going on. You might not get it but I do, CS cries when I tell him you are not going to be at home tonight, and DD cries when she asks is Daddy going to be Christmas Eve Mummy? It is probably my worst nightmare to ever happen to me. Words just don't comprehend. I feel like I have let them down.

So we are in a loop. The loop is the endless cycle where I wonder why you do not push to get me back, why I am not on your social media, why you seem happy to live away from us, why you aren't pushing for marriage, what would become of the kids if we end the relationship for good, being glad that you took me out on the boat and we had a nice time, being glad when your sober for days, being glad that there is no anger or shouting, and then doubting everything all over again when you are moody and withdrawn.

My love for the children makes it hard to contemplate making a decision that I will never live with you again - a decision that will have a profound impact on their lives, for ever. We grew up as the child of divorced parents, and because of the financial hardship for your mother and also - much worse - the emotional derangement that it caused to our parents, with horrifying effects for us children. It seems all I am doing is avoiding taking a decision to end this for good while all this chaos is going on. The greater difficulty for me is that when I try to take steps to end the chaos in our relationship you seem to punish me when I try to address it.

Would you stop drinking (and taking drugs)? and if you can't stop then would you agree to talk to someone? I would like to be there with you and support you if you choose to do so. If you wont do it for me will you do it for the children?

I am hoping you see that this is the great act of care that someone can do for you.

I love you