Hi everybody. Most of you probably don't recognize my name- I have been more of a lurker lately than anything. So, I will give a brief history. My H and I have been separated for over a year now. We have now been separated longer than we have been married (sad but true).

I have been in Plan A for about 8 months- the first few months were a bit shaky though. Many times I have thought H was 'coming around' only to have him retreat yet again. The rollercoaster ride has been controlling our lives. Don't get me wrong though, I have been enjoying life and making alot of improvements in myself.

Two weeks ago, after talking to Jennifer Chalmers, I sent him a letter asking him to give us one more chance. It was not a "traditional" Plan B letter. I did not indicate that I will no longer contact him. And, if he contacts me, I will be very receptive. We are separated and have no kids and we rarely see each other anyway, so I was afraid a Plan B letter would not be helpful. Plus, I am not losing my love for him. I am just focusing on detaching for my own well-being. This was my final effort, although he does not know this.

Last night we went out for drinks- we had to exhange some business things. H has been completely avoiding me these last few weeks. He even stopped working out at the gym that we both belong to (another story altogether- he joined the gym by my (our) house- 45 minutes from his work and another 15 minutes past where he lives. We talked for a couple of hours and things were going well. But, when we went to leave I got emotional. I told him that I could no longer be his friend- it is just too painful and after a year, I need to move on. Everytime I see him I get reminded of what I am missing and it breaks my heart all over.

He was sad and called me last night to talk. He was crying, I was crying. He told me he gets sick every morning and "hates his life". Yet, he still has said nothing about the letter I wrote him and has never given us a second chance. I think I have done a great Plan A and he knows of the changes I have made. I just don't think he has the courage to face upto what he has done (although he did admit to really messing up last night).

I do not regret telling him we can no longer be friends, but I feel like my Plan A effort has been for nothing. Was I wrong in telling him that we can no longer be friends- or is that part of the tough love school of thought.

I feel so empty today. I am losing my best friend- yet he has been gone for a year anyway.

Thanks to all and keep those recovery stories coming- they give us all hope!

Advice Seeker,

No you were not wrong. Please that your Plan A wasn't wasted, he is still struggling, if it had failed he very likely would have moved on.

I think you are correct to end contact with him. You have done what you should have done, and it is up to him to face his demons.

One other point, the plan A was for you, not to get your H back. The idea is that when he faces things he will realize what you were trying, but you are the biggest beneficiary of Plan A. It is the things you have learned and tried that will help you recover, no matter how this turns out. They will also help you in your next relationship whether it be with your H or someone else.

Personally, given the short length of your marriage and your H's reluctance to work on things while separated, it is probably time to move on. There is no telling what the future will bring but it is time to go face it.

You have done a pretty remarkable job considering the length of time you have been married and you should be very proud of yourself. You didn't ruin your plan A. You were honest, you were caring, and you didn't LB.

Don't doubt yourself, you didn't fail. He is the one failing and you cannot do anything about that.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks so much JL, I really appreciate your taking the time to get back to me! You were so right, I AM doubting myself and am scared that I will lose him. But in all reality, he is already lost!

I feel relieved in some ways though- I am doing this because it is time for H to 'get off the fence'. I need to get off the rollercoaster ride that he has me on. I need to live for me and move on. Hopefully he will join me, but I can no longer wait!

I have been doing a great Plan A and do realize Plan A is about me. I know I will make a better wife the next time around with whomever I end up with. I just so wish my H would give me a chance to show him the changes I have made.

I know he still loves me and that is the hardest part of this whole thing. He just cannot face up to what he has done.

You are absolutely right- I was honest, caring and didn't LB last night. In fact, we had a great talk. He understands why I can no longer be his friend. If he wants me as a friend- then he gets the whole package <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks again JL.

AS