BH.

I have to say I sort of do what Pepper is suggesting you to do. Of course, in my case the OW is 12 or 13 yrs younger than STBX & I and I didn't/don't know her butshe is never included in any discussion or decessions about our sons.

OS laughs at her & her familys attempts to make them seem like one big happy family. Her parents. who my sons have met a very few times, gives them gifts for bdays, Christmas, & other gift giving times, OS comes home laughing about how he gets paid to say hi.

YOur children have a history with Julie and unfortunaley no matter what she has done to you, they remember the history also, they love their dad however;you are the mom & they will always know & love you for it. Also the more gariously you can handle the mess, the more your children will love you for it. When we make everything harder for them, well you know who they will end up resenting. They can know how you feel about it, know it hurts you but alsoknow that you understand & support them in keeping their relationship with their dad.

Wishing things would get easier for all of us.

broken hearted,

Here is an interesting thread that might be helpful. The reply from worthatry gives good insight into what can occur when we tell our kids how we feel.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019509;p=2#000023

Just one persons experience with a similar situation.

BH
How are you...I will take your suggestons and everyone one elses. You know your children better than anyone else, do what you must.

To Space... Please accept my apology for coming off so strong I meant no harm OK.

BH... Pepper has some very good suggestions, I would follow her lead, becoming the loving and kind person. It does seems someone wants you out of sight out of mind.

You know our H. or wives can be very gullable at time like this, and can be easily manipulated by the OW or OM.

I would do as pepper suggested, be the nice kind loving person. I wouldn't talk relationship talks with him or discuss the OW.

Have you heard of a book called Divorce Remedy.
It talks about strategy, such as what pepper talks about becoming the person he once fell in love with.

Become a friend with a good ear, just being the complete opposite of what you've become.

My H had file for divorce back in 99, I contested I didn't want a divorce, and I was stalling fot time. I had the feeling he was being pressured of some sort.

My H was in a different relationship at the time,
he recently told me, he was presssured by this OW and he's glad he woke up before it was too late.

Our case was close because of no activity. Prayer changes things, it may be possible that your H is being pressured also.

Prayers Changes Things

Hi BH,
It's probably a good idea to get ahold of him when he's sober, too... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks Sing, Ba, BTDT and MALC - Yesterday was a great day. We all went to visit my sister at her camp and had so much fun! I like Peppers idea too. I will call my H sometime this week to see if we can meet. The last time I talked to him I did LB so I am giong to wait a few days so I make sure I won't fall apart. When I do call him, I will call him at work so he definately be sober and will be able to talk without Julie around.

MALC - It sounds like your marriage is on its way to a great recovery! I don't know first hand, but I hear and read that it is a long road, so take it slow and cautiously. Best of luck and God Bless!
BH

Bh,

I ran across this site in my wanderings (do I dare say research)

http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/home.php

anyway not sure if there is anything in it that might be helpful to you

as hard as it is, do any of us want our children in any more conflict than they have all ready been in. I know a part of me, okay large part realy wants my boys to hate the OW & to make her life a living h@@@ but then there is the mom in me that wants the OW to love my boys because even if they drive me crazy sometimes, I think they are 2 of the most wonderful creatures that God has ever made. And for them to be around someone on fairly regular bases & that person not care for them breaks my heart.

I guess what brought this home to me I watched the movie Stepmom not long ago. I cry through anything anyway & this movie kills me now. However, while I never want to have relationship with the OW, I couldn't help thinking or wishing my kids liked her like those kids did Julia Roberts in the movie & she them. It really hit home to me how sad it was.

So as hard as it is for us, I guess it is hard either way. I don't think I made any sense but it is homework time for YS. fun, fun

When I was at STBX's in Aug and all of her things were there I had a really hard time leaving girls. There was to be no co-hab going on, granted she wasn't there in the apartment but her stuff was there and the girls figured out that she had been living there and was hidden away while they were there.

They love their dad and he will always be their dad, but they don't have much respect for him for what he has done and the stupid mistakes and decisions he has made.

I am learning to keep my mouth shut, and not interfere, he does the damage all by himself.

Just my 2 cents!!
DAwn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sing and Dawn -
sorry it took so long to reply to your posts. I was away w/ the kids and just got back. Had a great time!!

Thanks so much for your responses. I checked out that link, sing, and it looks really interesting. I put in in my favorite list so I can go back and study it better when I have more time.

Dawn, that sounds just like the way my kids feel. They love their dad and want to have a good relationship with him, but they don't respect what he is doing. It is hard to explain and hard to understand, but I guess we just have to deal with it. they need their father, no matter what he does.

BH

BH
How have you been? I've been on the other site P/C
I was directed here to read a post. I was just wondering how are you did you ever meet with H?

Me I'm ok as you mention, this could be long and drawn out. One minute he says one thing, then next he say's something else. it's confusing me I'll keep you posted.

Hi Malc and Thanks for asking! I am doing OK. Had a few more incidents to deal with, but am learning how to put things into perspective. My kids were in a pretty bad car accident (they are OK but the car was totalled) and I had to call my H to come help w/ things. He was great. Since then, we have talked a lot, not about us or the A, just about the kids, the insurance issues, etc. Twice I have called his house hoping to talk to my daughter and "she" answered. It was very hard to talk to her and I had a hard time being civil. She was so pleasant it made me sick!

It is all very confusing isn't it. I hope things work out for you MALC. Please keep us posted. Thanks again for your concern! I appreciate it!
BH

Hi BH

I'm glad to hear that your children are ok.
I'm also glad your H was there being pleasant
towards you.

If you can, be as civil to ow as much as you can.
Kill her with kindness and the same for your H.

You don't want them seeing the other side of you.
I found out,when you vent on them, it brings them closer. So whatever you do, vent here I had to learn that the hard way.

H and I have been into nice conversation. Yesterday, I started a conversation, about me having more feelings, also me thinking H feelings being less for me.

H said you don't know how I really feel for you.
I explain to H, love is a action it's not what you say all the time, it's what you do.

I told H my love for him, I'm ready to pack up and move to his location. H said were would we live? I told him he can save money, we can get our on place. H said yes he can do that.H lives with his brother an family. I want my own if I move there.

I told H well think about it. H said ok he will give it some thought.I read a post here,it was posted by Mortorman I don't know if that's the correct spelling.

His plan B is working, his WS is turning around real quick. I'm thinking about pulling back myself.

In the begining my H initiated contact. Now I'm doing all the contact. I want to change that.
Do you think that's a good suggestion? Me pulling back after all, we do have good conversations.

Your bio says divorce has been filed ... I don't recall if it is final or not.

If it is NOT final ... next time you are forced to speak to her when you call Ralph, try this, "Hello. (Don't say her name) I need to speak to my husband. Would you put him on the phone please. Thank you." ...... Then silence. If she says anything ... and I mean anything else ... repeat, "I need to speak to my husband."

Broken record.

If you are not divorced he is your husband. Once you are divorced you can refer to him as "So-and-so's father."

Do not speak her name. This will be interesting.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 24, 2002, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi MALC - It sounds like you and your husband are moving in the right direction anyway. I don't know what to say about backing off since it does sound like he doesn't mind the contact. If he was getting irritated or you were fighting alot, then I would back off. But if you are considering it just to see if he will initiate the contact, then I am not too sure if you should. He could take the backing off as a sign that you are not interested in reconciliation???
I'm not too good at giving advice, so don't take my word for it! Just my thoughts on the matter. Maybe you could try backing off a little but just for a few days to see if he tries contacting you. If he doesn't, then initiate it again and see what happens. Sorry I couldn't be more direct with my advice! Like I said, I'm not too good at giving advice (probably because what I have done hasn't helped my marriage!) If Pepper reads this, maybe she will offer you some advice...she is VERY good at it!!

Hi Pepper! Our divorce is not final and I LOVE THAT IDEA!! I will do that! She will freak! I wish I had thought of that! I am going to have to call tonight just to try it out! LOL! If you have a minute, could you read MALC's post to me above, and offer her some of your wisdom? I am soooo bad at giving advice! Thanks Pepper!
BH

Hi BH
You know I was thinking the same thing if I back off he would think I'm not interested in reconciling.

As a matter of fact my sister gave the very exact advice you gave she also implied it could be dangerous.

I really like the advice, pepper gives you very insightful. I hope she reads my reply to you and give me some assistance it would be helpful.

I really like what she said about when you call, may I speak to my husband I like that.

My H and I have no children so it was very easy for H and Xow to pretend I didn't exist. It didn't work most of there fights were behind the fact H still being married to me.

So no matter how hard she tried xow knew I exist.
I will keep you posted ok.

<small>[ September 25, 2002, 04:33 AM: Message edited by: MALC ]</small>

Hi Malc,
I hope things work out for you! Stay strong and trust your instincts! I have a good feeling about your relationship!
I loved Pepper's idea too. I am going to call there tonight and I am actually hoping she answers just so I can try out that line! It should be a hoot! I was going to try it out last night, but got sidetracked (my son locked my keys in the car at school) and forgot all about it!
Take care MALC!
BH

HI BH

I read your other post, I'm glad you did it.
See OW was surprise you did this, you caught her by surprise. Watch, the next time you call, it will start to irritate her.

In my case, whenever I would get the number and call my H, I would say may I speak to my H please. XOW would get furious. I could hear xow in the background (I hate that). I would say to H she should have thought about that before she became entangled in our lives.

I was hopeing pepper read my repy to your post.
Maybe she could give me some advice. I found myself being short with H today, a conversation we had, he seems to justify and rationalize everything these days.

H seems to be very egotistical thanks to me.
I just keep praying his Heart and mine will change for the better.
Good Luck