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Joined: Nov 2001
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Have been married to H since we were both 19. Just feeling down, I thought by now our life and marriage would be solid and safe. How naive can a person be? Have been together 36 years. I'm just so sad that the infidelity thing has popped up again, that we still have not learned to be happily married. So many mistakes. I couldnt stop loving him now if I tried. Too much history, memories, emotional ties.

If we divorce it will be the saddest time of my life. My reason for this post? Just a statement of where I am at emotionally.

To people who are younger and less experienced, learn to take good care of your marriages from the start. They are so fragile.

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I know just how you feel. I was divorced after 29 yrs of marriage for the OW. I have been divorced 5 yrs now and not a day goes by that I don't think of ex. My divorce day was the saddest of my life. Time does heal pain, but there are always triggers, children or grandchildren that remind you of what has been lost and that you aren't one big happy family anymore. I try my best to keep busy and move on, but it is difficult. I envy the ones who can put their marriages back together.

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I'd love to say I'm crashing your thread,,that I am far to young to enter, but unfortunately being the "fossil" I am,,I do qualify. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I never thought I'd have reason to be on a forum like this either. I thought by now we'd be kicked back, so secure with one another, enjoying the fruits of our efforts during our many years together. And, although we are in recovery for over 4 years now and, once again, back on the road to growing older together, it's been a tough ride. One I never anticipated.

And, like you, I wish I knew then, what I know now. How differently I would have done some things. And how much more I would have appreciated others.

Replaced, we know there's nothing we can do about the past. All we can do is confront it, learn from it and make plans and goals to make our future better.

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((((( Replaced )))))

Just sounded like you could use a hug. As another "fossil", infidelity after so much time together does hit you hard.

How are things with you and your husband? Come on over to the Recovery forum and post up an update. There are some great folks over there who are more than willing to lend a supportive hand.

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db,

"I envy the ones who can put their marriges back together"

So do I because we are not there yet! Hoping against hope that it will happen. I'm so sorry you ended up D'd. I know I would survive, but D is not my first choice of course.

Nerly,

"we know there's nothing we can do about the past"

I agree 100% that confronting, learning, making plans and goals for future are the way to go. I'm starting to understand that we will NEVER stop learning(hopefully) and will always need to adjust ourselves to unexpected situations in our lives. What a RIDE!!!

Forever,

Thanks for the hug, and I am planning to move to recovery board soon. I've been so full of questions, this has felt like the right place to be for the most part. See you soon!

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Replaced,

I feel for you...I, too, have been deeply hurt and still wonder how can I be so naive, stupid not to see anything? We had ups and downs during our 30-year marriage and I only knew of a one-night A about 3 years after our M until last Aug when I saw some IMs that he had saved. Confronting him with the truth was not easy because he vehemently denied everything following OW's advice. It hurt even more to discover that those two instances were not the only ones, there were several others during the 30 years and the first one was not a one-nighter but an off-and-on A with a ex co-worker who has been coming to our house as a friend over the years. We are still in counseling and recovery is going well. However, I will never be the same naive, trusting person that I was. It changed the way I look at other women also...I find myself not trusting some women and I don't like that feeling. Betrayal is so hurtful and it's doublefold when you've been together so long and think you know each other well to find out that you really did not at all. I hope you and your H are able to save your M. You will have to be strong. God bless.

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My M was not as long as the rest of yours, but 20 years still seems like a very big chunk of my life to get over. D is inevitable in our case. WH is and has been living with OW who is almost 30 years younger than me. H is hateful to me and blames me for all his losses, denying the truth that they are really due to his return to drugs and alcohol after several years of sobriety (I now doubt it was 10 yrs from what people have been telling me and I've also heard that there have been at least a few OWs). The betrayal and the lies are the hardest part to accept because I too saw us getting old together and finally having time for ourselves about now...

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I just wish that MB and other info so readily available today had been given to me when I was a very young lady. It sure would have made a difference in my life.

The MB books (not SSA) would make a wonderful wedding present for any young couples.

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Decue,

"it's doublefold when you've been together so long"

Abolutely, I thought I was safe, then came D day with the emails and phone records and on and on.....the bubble is burst....I am strong, hoping he is too.

"I find myself not trusting some women"

Unfortunately at present, I trust none of them!

LetSTry,

20 years IS a big chunk of your life. Do you go to Alanon? Can you detach? I feel for you.

Zorweb,

Funny thing, I would never have taken the time to read Harley at age 19(when we got married). You know how KIDS are. Hard lessons.

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Replaced,

You are right that most 19 year olds would not take the time to read the books. I think I would have only because I tend to read everything I get my hands on. But implementing it is a different story. But the thing is that at least I would have known what to expect. Feel so stupid when I look back to realize that I had no idea of what to expect in a marriage or how to handle the hard times. The good times are easy, it’s that hard times that bite ya.

We have three children at home d-12, s-13, s-14. Since shortly after d-day (3/2001) we have been teaching them the MB concepts. We now run our family according to the MB rules and concepts: care, protection, honesty and time. We discuss them often with the children during everyday life.

For example they know the term ‘radical honesty’. We now expect everyone in the household to live by that. There are obviously some things that parents do not share with children. But within reason our entire family lives by that rule.

As for the ‘rule of time’. Since it takes 15 hours a week of one-on-one time to maintain a healthy marriage, we have decided that it takes 7 hours a week of child-parent time to have a healthy relationship with our children. This number, and the reasons for it, and the differences between husband/wife and child/parent time was discussed with the children. Also the reasons for it and the reasons why it’s one number for the parents and one for the children. Originally our children thought that parents needed to spend every waking hour away from work with them… they felt cheated otherwise. They resented the time my husband and I spent together. Now they understand.

And they know all about care and protection. They discuss emotional needs and love busters when an issue comes up. It’s really helped our family. Especially in light of all the problems we’ve had in the last two years. I don’t know what we would have done without MB to give our lives a foundation. I just don’t think we’d have made it this far.

Anyway, I think you get the idea. We wish we’d been taught a lot more about relationships as children. So we are trying to do it with ours.

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Zorweb,

I, too, wished I knew about MB. Although I was 22 when we married, I was very naive and sheltered. My older son, who's only been married for 2 years is having relationship problems and I have given him His Needs Her Needs and asked him to read it and ask his W to read it too. They have a 7-mos old baby and are under stress. I hope they read it. He told me that they always work things out but I feel that he usually compromises and am worried that eventually something is going to happen.

Replaced,

How are you doing? Are you going to MC? My WH offered to go to MC right from the beginning and it has really helped us. It seems that he had a hard time understanding what I was trying to communicate to him but with the Counselor's help he was able to understand.

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Zorweb,

Love the way you have incorporated MB principles into a way of life for the whole family. I've thought a lot about this myself. A lot of it was already "in my head" as the way things ought to be in a healthy family and marriage to begin with. For some reason our family has had a hard time staying on track consistently over the years. Now I see the importance of focusing harder on marriage and family. I think being married so YOUNG and inexperienced was a lot of the problem. So naive, bumbling along, trying, succeeding, failing. I dont think it is ever to late, even if a marriage dissolves, to make the best of the rest of our life.

Decue,

No MC yet. I really think H would agree, but since D-day in Jan 2001, H and I have been apart 11 of those months. He is gone out of state trying to resolve a financial situation, I am home taking care of sick family members. It has been hard, we dont do well over phone. It is impossible to resolve problems and issues in our marriage long distance. I refuse to give up without first having the chance to be together in the same house again, which may be happening soon. This is so hard!

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I am 54 and WS is 56 and OW is 27....after 33 years of M, I have decided that I have had enough. WS refuses to make any changes and still does not know if he wants to be married or not. Feels caught in the middle. Will not leave or work on anything sooooooo......

To decide that I have had enough was the hardest thing I ever did but now that I am facing the reality of my H's unwillingness to work on us, I can now move on. My lawyer said that there is an epidemic going on with older marriages and affairs. More than she has ever seen before so our society is changing drastically. There is so many enabling situations that keep some people in their muck and mire. It is so sad to throw away so many good things with the bad but facing the reality for me has freed me to move on and live life the best I can.

TW

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tossedwave,

If need be I will do exactly what you are doing. I wont have a clue if that is necessary until he and I are in the same house again so I can get a better feel for what the future holds. I'm surprised at what your lawyer said! Could it be that more women refuse to "put up with", or some kind of "mens lib" movement? Or a rash of MLC triggered by the state of world affairs(LOL no pun intended)?

Best wishes
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I have been avoiding this thread ! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was born in 1949 .... the babyboomers heyday!

I did not marry at an early age. I was 31 when we married, H was 30. First M for both. I had sewn all my wild oats and was ready to settle down ... and so was H.

For me ... our M has to be respectful in order for me to remain ... the love issue is not my major divining rod. I had a long-term relationship before my M ... and the love was always intense ... but, he was BAD for me in so many ways .... we can love someone, and still have a miserable existence/relationship being with them.

I cannot stay M'd unless I respect my H as a *MAN* ... with a capitol *M* .... I don't want a little lost boy for a H .... I just don't.

Thankfully (for HIM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) ... Mr. Pepper became a *MAN* that I respect during our recovery .... I would not have stayed otherwise. I do not think it is mandatory to even try to recover after adultery ... it is a choice, but I can always respect any BS who decides , "Ya know what ... THIS <adultery> is where I get off the bus."

One woman's opinion.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

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Replaced,

I think there is a few reasons why long-term M's are ending today. #1 There are no moral boundaries today.....Women are so free to give away their "affections" expecting nothing in return. Some people find the no-strings-attached deals exhilarating and the non-committal guy loves this deal. #2 There are more single women today than men that are looking desperately for a partner. #3 There is are so few good marriages and good examples to show younger people today how to commit to one person for life. Men have it made today....(LOL) NOT!!!!!

I never thought I would ever be in this position. I always believed that I should stand by my man through thick and thin but I now know that there is limit to standing by your man. I guess that is why Jesus said that one can divorce because of infidelity. I am amazed at how emotionally destroying adultery is to so many. It is a devasting curse in our society today.

Hope you get a chance to rebuild but remember above all else that if your H does nothing to rebuild, YOU WILL NEVER GET ANYWHERE but crazier trying to beat a dead horse. I believe my H could stay in this limboland indefinitely that is why someone has to say "ENOUGH" I am getting off the roller coaster.

TW

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<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

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Pepper,

I was born in 1949 and so was H! Great year!!!

"I dont want a little lost boy for a H". Me either. For some reason I have "matured" and in many ways H has not. His own Dad said "H just needs to grow up", thats when it became clear to me what the biggest problem is. And I need to GROW UP and say "knock it off or I WILL be getting off the bus".

I married a boy, H married a girl, I am now a woman, H is half boy, half man. His infidelities are "little boy" stuff. He admitted "I knew exactly what I was doing and I enjoyed it". What a brat! Basically an admission that he was a real jerk and he knew it.

I've seen signs of his growing up recently, will see if that is real before long. Waiting for the rest of the MAN.

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Tossedwave,

"if your H does nothing to rebuild".

Precisely what I am waiting to see.....it will be my job to set limits, ask for what I need, decide how long to wait, AND find out what HE needs from me.

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Hanora,

By the time I get to this "wisdom" bit I'll be senile".
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
No kidding!!! For me the "wisdom" thing has been slow coming. Most of it was from the wake up call from H's most recent A. I "wised up" and "saw the forest instead of just the trees", "smelled the coffee", all kinds of upleasant revelations about H, myself, our marriage, REALITIES.

I think we should all write a BOOK!!!

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