Hey, CD, I'm someone who came her when I needed encouragment the most. You have found the right place. I have been gone a while, but I read up on your situation. I know your pain and it sickens me that so many people have to go through it. Hang in there. You've probably been told this a million time, as I was, but time really does heal all wounds. I know because all I wanted to do at first was die.

A very wise friend told me this:

What we are all going through is like a huge wound, a cut in our lives. Eventuallly that wound will start to heal, the bleeding will stop, then the healing will start, it will heal slowly, but it will heal. As it heals it will start to itch, and when it finally heals, there will always be that scare. But we will go on.

So, try to keep busy. Do anything you can to keep yourself occupied. If your W goes to colorado, just keep busy. The more attaching I got the more my W pushed away. She's in her own world right now, anything you do to make you seem controling will make her want to leave. Just take care of yourself, try to make yourself the person you want to be. You will come out of this a better person in the long run.

Hang in there.

I want to thank everyone here. You don't know how much it helps to come here and find people who care. Just to see someone has replied gives me hope and some how makes me feel better.
Well I put on the happy face and wished a good time for my wife and our friend. The purpose of the trip was to meet a guy our friend has. She met him on a trip and has been writing him. I have talked to this guy before and he likes our friend. She is excited to see him again.
Anyway, I was nice and pleasant. Told her I was sorry if I didn't show that I cared for her, or made it seem as if what I wanted was the only thing that was important to me. Told her that I didn't like some things that she has been doing and that I was sorry for criticizing her instead of trying to understand why she was doing these things. I scored a few deposits, she told me not to be so nice.
I hated to see her leave but it was better than what would have happened. I feel pretty good right now, I just hope I can keep busy so I don't think about what a mess I am living.
CD

Keep up the good work. Anyone and everyone can make it. It takes time and devotion.

I have said it before and I will say it again, we have sort of a family here. In our hearts we hate to see that family grow because they usually come in pain at the same time we love to see that family grow because if we can offer support and insight to those like us we all become stronger. So welcome to the family.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers

ayslyne

Hi!

good to hear that you are doing abit better, really made me happy for you.
Be prepared for coming breakdowns, but believe me, it will get better. Sorta like "5 steps forwards and 2 steps back" but some day you will "catch up". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

How about getting her some flowers for when she returns. Just put them in a vase so that she will notice them. (you'll deposit a "plus" for sure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

take care of yourself

bb

CD,

Checking in here to see how you are doing and well....see you did survive til the next day. And you will continue to survive.

Now about her wanting her space in COLORADO? Well dear, this is a WS line of crap. She doesn't want space (you offered to leave and let her have the home for the weekend)....... NOPE IMHO, she is probably going to meet the OM and the GF is her cover. This mysterious GF;s BF is probably the OM incognito.......

Now this might make you mad and very suspicious but that is why I will also venture to say NOT to welcome her back........don't get flowers. You didn't want her to go in the first place.

I could be way off base here but her reasoning doesn't make sense. Don't reward her for that trip.

So what do you do? U go and take care of CD. Use this time to do some reading "surviving an Affair", "His needs/Her Needs", Love must be tough (by Dr James Dobson). The other books are by Dr Harley. Take the EN questionnaire. This should take up most of your weekend. You will find out ways to handle your anger and learn how to find out maybe not all info but some so that YOU know the direction she is headed and how to keep YOURSELF in control of U.

If she accuses you of controlling her..... don't argue the point (SHE IS NOT LISTENING TO YOUR REASONS ANYWAY), just tell her that is her opinion and you have yours. Don't give her info.......let her give you info. Do make her wonder what you are up to. Not in an LB way......just need to kick her mind back to reality.

The WS have a strong tendancy to want to know all the BS is doing and thinking. So the WS can plan their next attack. Don't give her that satisfaction. Sound like war??? It is. You are fighting for you and your M and for the future of your family against someone who used to be your best allie.

take care,
L.

Well I just took the five steps forward but just fell about a full story. I was sitting in the circus with my girls and my friend and his girls, I just couldn't stop thinking of the fact that my W spread her legs for three different guys. Sorry if that sound graphic but that’s what I see.
Then I start to wonder how it got that far or what she was thinking. I wish I could make her feel my pain.
I am not 100% 4sure that she doesn't have a man in CO but I do know the friend does. The friend is staying at our house with her daughter and also her mother. I have talked abit with her and she has given me hope. My wife has told her that she thinks I am such a good guy blaa, blah, blah!
As I talk to this friend of ours she sees our struggle and doesn't understand why it’s so hard if we love each other. She is concerned for my W as well and sees her confusion. When I was in CO a few weeks ago I went to check this guy out for her. Didn't meet him but talked to him over the phone. So I know this guy is real and he writes our friend alot.

So anyway, I just don't know what to think, what to do. How to take care of myself when everything seems to be falling apart at my feet. So much good advise here and I'm stuck watching a bad image in my mind! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

She has called alot to day just to tell me how far they are and that they are ok. They drove; it’s about an 8 hr drive. I was worried last night because they left late. But they got tired and pulled over and slept in the car. I know it sounds suspicious, but she told me she would do that if they got tired. Because I was worried about them leaving so late.
Am I just rambling? I want to hit something, not her, I wouldn't do that. Just need to release some frustrations I guess.

agree with Orchid. assume the worst, unless proven otherwise. BS in particular have a right to be paranoid.
in this moment, put a huge discount rate behind every statement & "logical" explanation, but assume what every WS acts pretty much according to Steve's archetypical model. they really tick that way, you know.
but all that doesnt mean necessarily that it's over & hopeless - far from it. do all the things you should and then things WILL look up. trust me. first and foremost, you gotta get a grip on life again and become 'stable'. can you do that? you'll find that regular exercise, a healthy diet and targeted self-pampering helps. then take the next steps.
good luck.

Well, I'm not feeling any better today. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
My D tried to call W last night at 1am and didn't answer. Of course I start to think the worse, out on the town clubbing it. I still don't think my W has anything going on there, but I wonder if that is just my hoping, wanting her to be honest, wanting to believe her. She called this morning and said sorry, the phone was in the charging. I believe that. She didn't take anything but her car charger, so it’s a believable story.
I still can't get over the fact that she could willingly have an A. Or just have sex with someone that she really hadn't known that well.
I agree with what you all said about hating her or what she did. It’s not her, but what she did. I am still so in love with her, and I don't understand how I could still have these feelings for someone who betrayed me like she did. I really do not understand why I want to try. I don't know if it will work because there are things she needs to do for me to be happy and I know I have things I need to work on. But I know in my heart that we can be happy. It hurts knowing this and not being able to do anything but wait for her to wakeup! I guess I am just having a bad day, AGAIN!

that's a good start I guess.
having followed 1001 stories on this board here, I would say the bottom line for your case though is: expect that it wasnt "only" a slip, a PA. expect a full EA as well. expect to be lied to, unless proven otherwise. Not sure for example if I would buy the charger story. Finally, you have to realise that, whilst she did the active part of doing something wrong, she found herself in a situation where she was tempted to do so. And both of you contributed to this situation. Be it through not being completely honest with each other, be it for you not listening when she tried to tell you something, etc etc whatever it is. Going forward, that's where you have to work on, be it for your current relation with your W, or if the worst comes to the worst, for your next relation. that's what plan A is about.

I don't know:

"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean that people aren't out 2 get you"

evolves in2:

"You might as well be paranoid, because people really are out 2 get you."

Not a very rewarding existence, in my unbridled modesty opinion (IMUMO).

Yes, you can "assume the worst" so as not 2 be "surprised" when it's confirmed, but what if you're assuming more than is happening? I know... Your WW will "smell your paranoia, or fear" and react 2 your negativity with her already-polished negativity - her fog. A never-ending, negative feedback loop? Perhaps. At least that's where *I* was going with that kind of thinking.

Love. That's the only solution 2 CD's problem. If he can shift his focus on how many times his W "did it" with her OMs 2 what HE can do 2 improve his R with his W, he can only grow. This paranoia can eat you like a cancer. It certainly was consuming me. I started hating myself and our M, and became completely unable 2 do much of anything positive.

Sure, don't take what the WS says/does at face value. You can't control that anyway. But don't dwell on what you THINK might be going on, either. Dwell on your R, or your ABILITY 2 have a rewarding R, and you'll either have that with the WS or someone else someday.

OK, its Tuesday morning and I am back to work after a good long break. Got up early this morning and headed to work when it all started to slip into my thoughts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just can't seem to keep it out!
The W came home last night tired and beat. With stories of a trip from hell! The guy they went to meet didn't fall real well with my wife so she was kind of irritated by him. I don't know what happened but my W ended up bailing our friend and this guy out of jail.
Here is something that I cannot believe my W did. When they got home we was looking at a couple of pictures they took. One of the pictures was my W in bed with some fat geek. She was dressed and so was he but the story goes.
He was a guy from this area who went to see the football game in Denver. When they was introduced the guy made a comment about how he can't meet girls or his wife won't lit him go to any more football games. That&#8217;s when my wife jumped in bed and said we are going to send a picture to your wife and took the picture.
Now I know my W and sounds like some thing she would say and do as a joke. But I just CANNOT believe she could be so thoughtless as to do that now when we are having these problems. I didn't even know it was her in the picture until she said it was her. It was blurred pretty badly. But I am dumbfounded to think she would do that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have a question for you all. I received an email from one of the guys she slept with. I don't think it was from him but maybe some kind of virus that goes out to people in your address book with the address of people in your book. Has anyone heard of this? The reason I say this is because I have received things from my sister that she didn't send and in a language she doesn't speak. Anyway, I wanted to contact this guy, not telling him who I am or mention my Ws name. But just ask if he knows he slept with a married woman and maybe find out if there is something going on. I do not think there is still something, but I know my wife still checks his team&#8217;s web site. OK I don't know for sure but I think she still does.
I have an appointment today with a councilor, not a day to soon. Maybe he can help me shift my focus to something besides my WW! I really want to be able to focus on her needs and figure out how she feels. Then worry about me. I mean worry about my needs. Show her true and unconditional love. I still need to work on myself and show her that I am fine with or with out her, just prefer it to be with her. Am I even making any sense?
CD

My friend your wife enjoys giving you pain.
After all you have been through she comes home and pointedly shows you being in a bed with another guy fully dressed as a joke? Clearly she gets of on making your life miserable. Please get into counseling at once. It is clear that your wife knows that you will put up with all types of hurtful behavior and sadism from her.
Do you really think any normal person after putting you through her affairs would come home from a trip and point out to husband a picture of her in bed at a party with another guy? I read somewhere that if a person did not meet the person they eventually married then they would probably would have met 50 other people in a lifetime they would have ended up being married too. Let me ask you this: If you read all of your messages as if it was written by someone else; what would you think of the wife and what would you think of the husband? What would you advise the husband? I think it is pretty clear.

CD, I don't think your W is necessarily enjoying causing you pain. I think WS's just don't want to believe the pain they have caused us BS's.

I would not email the OM. What good could come from it? Do you want to hear that he didn't know your W was married? That means she purposely hid it or lied about it. Or do you want to know that he knew and they did it anyway. There is no good answer here. Trust me.

I wish there was a quick fix for this pain you are going through. I know I could have used it a long time ago.

Hang in there, do your best. This person you are w/ is not the person you married. If you think you can have that person back, then hang in there. Since my Marriage is over, it helps me to think of my ex as just being gone forever. There is someone there that I have to deal w/ but she is not my W.

Time is our friend and enemy in this. Because things to feel better over time, but every second seems like forever.

Hang in there.

CD:

I don't think your W enjoys causing you pain, either.

She is reacting negatively 2 her perceived lack of fulfillment in her M, and this hurts you. Try 2 focus beyond the hurt and on 2 her good qualities. Compliment her on THOSE, however hard it might be 2 unearth them. They're there, or she wouldn't be with you.

Also focus on honing your OWN good qualities and sharing that part of you with HER.

These are parts of a good plan A, really. They take time, but the results will be well worth the time.

Take care,

Hi C_D. I too beleive that your WW did not intended to deliberately hurt you (although the effect was still the same) because if she did have, she would have sent you some pretty sexually graphic stuff with her and one of her OM's, with a sadistic note attached to it. She may even showed you that picture to show you as 'proof' that nothing went on with that fat geek guy. Your WW is, like a lot of WS's, in denial of the pain her A's have caused you.

If she feels safe in telling you the truth, then you may be out-OM her OM. Remember that A's start with talking and if she clams up with you, then she may be doing the talking with her OM. So if you still love her enough to save your M, it is to your advantage to keep the lines of communication open until your pain is too great and you need to go to plan B.

I know she did not show me the picture to hurt me. In I was trying to show pictures of oour friends guy that she went there to meet. She wanted to show her mom and sister. The picture of my W was just one in there. Even when I knew it was her, I didn't think anything bad was going on. But then there is that unsure, because of what has happened. My W is a wonderful person who has gone through a lot and I wasn't always there for her. As much as I would like to blame her for everything, I can't. It doesn’t make the hurt stop, in fact makes it worse knowing I wasn't there for her when she needed it. Even now I write through the tears wanting nothing more than a chance to be the man that brings her the greatest happiness. I have alot to work on and if it can bring her back great, if not, I'm a better man for the next time. Knowing that doesn’t stop the pain either. I still think of the effect it would have on my girls.
I wrote my W an email this morning telling her that I was going for a couple of months and that I hope she will be able to have the space and time apart that she needs. That I wanted her to be happy. That I really didn't like her communication with OM and that he was there willing and waiting to give her support when I am here willing to do the same. But was happy she was able to find hope and support during this rough time...blah...blah...blah. I was trying to be supportive and show her that I care about her concerned and how she felt. Yet let her know how I felt at the same time. Did it come out right or did it not? I start to write and then I send it, when I get a chance to read it later I feel it sounded stupid.
I just found out today that I am deploying this Thursday, a week early. I will be gone for 45 days. Any thought on how I could leave her with a good love bank deposit?
CD

CD:

Yeah, read Greg Baer's book "The Truth About Relationships". It's helping ME do my best damned plan A ever!!!

Last night I asked my W if she would like to go out on a date. She hesitated and I said lets just go to a movie or something, she agreed. That made me so happy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We ended up at home watching gone with the wind, one of her favorites. Then she remembered she meets with her girlfriends on tueday nights. She asked if it was ok if she left for about an hour or so. I said sure, go take care of your things. She left about 10:30 and got home about 1:00. We laid in bed and just kind of talked for a bit, then she softly asked "what happened to us?" I Asked if I could hold her, she said no. As she said sorry, I said don't worry, I don't understand but I respect your feelings.
I don't know why, but that really hurt. Then I begane to wonder if it was a guy she goes to see. I don't think so But I really don't know. I have never met her friends, atleast some of them.
I leave tomorrow and I am really don't know what will happen whenI get back.
LUcky for me I have an appointment w/a C today.
CD

CD:

I find that I worry about what I'm ASSUMING is going on behind my back all the time, even now, 9 months after D-day. What I find is that my worries, and my assumptions of what my W may or may not be doing/thinking, hinder my ability 2 be a loving H - the one thing that can attract the WW back 2 the M.

I have 2 let go of those thoughts and focus on US and what we have 2gether and what our fu2re can be. I need 2 shift my thoughts from what Rat Meat might be doing so that I can figure out what I neglected all thos years ago and change THAT. If I don't, what's the sense even TRYING 2 recover, because the problems with our M that my W thinks are important aren't being addressed.

I know how it feels 2 be "rejected" like you describe. But try 2 look at this as a positive step. When she asked you "what happened 2 us?" she was showing you that your behavior has gotten her thinking. Let these moments happen at their own pace. But continue 2 be supportive of her while this is going on, and you'll see more evidence of her thinking.

Update.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I am now in Key West waiting for our aircraft to take us to our deployment location. Its 2:30am and I'm not feeling so good.
The day before I left we had a problem. About a week ago my W left her palm at home and I picked it up. I don't know anything about it, but I turned it on and it asked for a password. I put in her maiden name and it didn't work so I put it back down and didn't mess with it anymore. Well she turned it on and had her name was typed into it and she confronted me about it. At first I denied I did anything, but I thought she asked if I got into it. I went back to her and told her that I tried to turn it on but didn't know her password.
She got pissed and said she can't live like this, and wanted a D. I had talked to a C that day and wasn't feeling very hopeful anyway. I tried to talk to her and let her know that I couldn't promise that it would work out, but I thought it was very unfair that she messed up and punishes me by not letting me try to get over it. That it was just easier for her to start new. We talked about the guy she writes. I wanted to know some things, but she wouldn't tell me who he was where they met or where he was from. I don't know what difference it would make to me, but I felt I needed to know. She said she was 31 and felt that she should give it a try and maybe she could be happy. It hurt to find out she met him after we had talked about the A from the cruise. So I imagine she met him in a club and was drunk, don't know if she slept with him there or if it was only when he came to see her. I told her I didn't know why but I still loved her and that I wanted to fix things. I said I felt I deserved time to heal the wounds and I also needed to get it out of my system. She seemed receptive to this, but still cold. That night we took our kids out as a family. I wanted to do something as a family before I had to go. We talked a little more that night before we fell asleep, but then about 1:30 she woke up and couldn't sleep then woke me up and asked if I minded if she went for a drive. I was asleep and didn't really know what was going on. I woke up about 2:30 and tried to call her, I got no answer. I tried again a few minutes later, she answered and said some guy ran off the road and she pulled over and the police was asking her what she saw. Of course I am thinking the worst, just don't know why she has to leave. As we lay down to sleep again I asked if I could hold her. This time she said I could, as I wrapped my arms around her she held my arm close to her. It felt sooo good, I didn't ever want to let go.
She took my to the airport this morning and as I thanked her for taking me and I asked again. " Will you please stop all communication with this guy?" Her reply was "I will try" I know it wasn't a yes but its a step in the right direction. It went from " what do I get out of it" to "I will try" So I felt good. During the flight here I had a hard time not thinking of how she met him, where he lived. So tonight I went out with the guys. Good or bad I don't know. It sucked, I just saw all these drunken guys hitting on the drunken women. Seeing guys leaving with girls and all I can think about was my W going to clubs and all these guys after her. She is very attractive and I know guys would be after her. And I can't do anything. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I want to call and tell her that what happened, happened. And it’s in the past, but I need to know she will not put herself in that kind of situation again. I know she will think I am trying to control her, but I think it’s a simple request. I want to call her right now and tell her I love her, but it might be to much and suffocating. I can’t even have fun on my own without her.
How can I keep my mind off of her and what has happened? I want to concentrate on how I can take care of me and care for her needs.
Still lost, CD