Sorry I haven't been here for a bit, we were evacuated to a new location. I was doing pretty good until last night. I finally got an email from my W, but it about ripped my heart out. I called her last night trying to understand what she is thinking. She wants to seperate but hasn't said anything about D. She told me she had done wrong and she could never forgive herself nor would I beable to forgive her. She just wants to do it in way that is not hard on the kids. She said in a small way she wants to give this guy a chance to make her happy. He makes her feel like noone has ever done before. HOw can I rise the Bull sh!* flag without LBing? In her email she said she wants us to always be friends and she needs me to be OK. How the HE!! can I be OK when she is unwilling to save 11 years of marriage.
She admites she is being selfish. I wonder if I should just bow my head and bow out. It hurts to the point that sometimes I feel that life with out her is not worth it. I know I should feel that she isn't worth it after what she did. I really hate this, and don't know how to get out of this funk. Help....
CD

Can someone shine some light on this email? I took it really hard the first time I read it, but after reading it again I thought it might be a cry for help. I responded by calling and asking what she ment and what she wanted to do? The day after I read it again and thought about it, then called and told her thank you for writting and sharing her feelings with me. But I still need some insight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi
How are u?
I wanted to write u today to tell you that the girls miss u too!
And to say I am sorry for hurting u like I have I am never going to be able to go pass this I don't think but to my benefit I was reading my journal and I really try things in our marriage I really did ! right now I have not feelings about anything its like m heart is close or brken I don't know, Being alone its good for m! I am working so hard in getting the daycare and ourselves out of debt! I want to work very hard to make things better for every one! but I do think that we need to separate I am not good for u! i have ot tell this to anyone, but u can tell me how u want to do it? I need u as a friend and a support but I know I don't deserve any of that! and u would want to give that to someone else, I also know I am going to be very poor when u leave but I need to pay for what have done .
U r a special person and i don't know what and when things when wrong . I am so last but this time is good for me i have gotting close to my girls and though a lot about my self! and what i want to go in life ! and the conclusion is I just want to be a good mami and a good daycare provider! I just wanted to write something and I know i am writting non sense stuff!
hope u r having a good time in curasao go diving for me and don't drink unless u just want it what i mean is don't go bad beause of me, I need u to be ok, but do have a good time how s everything there? prettier? I wish for u to be my friend all the time and also I wish for us to not get a temple divorce hoe thoose that work? or since i screw up that doesn't matter>? help me understand!
please be my friend?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do you think?? I don't think being a friend will work if she wants to seperate. But what about plan A?

CD,
I am so sorry for you my friend, the pain you are feeling hurts deep, I know.
I remember my wife going through the same stage of not thinking that I could ever forgive her and how she couldn't forgive herself for what she did. The easy way out is to quit and that is what your wife is feeling now. Even if she does give up and try to find happiness with this OM she will live with this guilt for a very long time if not for the rest of her life. As you both watch your girls grow up that stain will not go away.
All you can do is try to assure her that she is not the first in this world to find herself in this situation, many have been there and many have found their way out without giving up as she is about to do.
You mentiond a few months ago that she was into seeking God before her life came crumbleing down with the loss of her mother and brother but you then were not supportive. Have you brought this all before the Lord and truly prayed for God to heal your marraige with the promise to completley surrender to His will and not your own from now on? Maybe this is what God is waiting for. As the leader of your family this is your duty to God and to your family, in doing so miriacals happen. It did for me.
Jesus said to "seek first the Kingdom of God and His rightousness, then all things will be added unto you." ..to seek His rightousness means to simply get the sin out of your life, become completly blameless and then all things will be added to you. When we repent (turn around) God can and will make great things happen for us. In doing so, your leadership can bring new meaning to your wife and she might see a ray of hope, hope in the form of "forgivness".
I pray for great blessings on you and your family, try not to loose hope. There is always hope through Him.
God bless,
Stillhurts

CD,
I just read your last post. It sounds to me like there is definetly HOPE! Keep plan A going and I hope what I have said helps you.
SH

Hey CD,

I have to agree that it's a cry for help from her part. She is confused and hurt. My wife still can't get over the fact that she did what she did and wants to go back to change it all the time. Your wife needs you, your support and some forgiveness.(The ultimate Plan A).

You may still experience some bumps, other contacts with the OM from your wife(although she really needs to break all contact), feelings coming out from her EA/PA, but your wife needs to go through these. When they come out of the fog it's pretty turbulent. Just be there for her, letting her know it's ok and that you'll be on the other side waiting. Be positive and let her know of all the good things she is doing to and for you. Thank her for taking care of the home and your children. Lots of things you can do here to be positive! Keep reading up on this site and SAA. Your doing a good job. Her being confused is a good thing! DON'T LB!! Big here! Easy to do, hard to stop. Think before you say or do.

Reaching out for God's help was an excellent suggestion. Let Him take care of your problems. Listen to Him.

Good luck and I'll say a prayer for you. Keep your spirits up!

CD,
I think after all that has happened, her e-mail is a step in the right direction.

I hope when you reply, you don't say things like
" I know we can make this work" It seems to turn her off because she doesn't believe it. I would say things like "I don't know if things will work or not, but I would like to try." I would say something like this and use it as the reason you don't want to seperate. Don't say "We can't seperate, it won't work." Or "Seperation is wrong." or things like that. Go this way - "I would feel better if we could stay together and work on things, that is what would make me happy."

Just let her know your feelings in a non demanding, non judgemental way. I believe this is the best way to confort her and give her faith that you love her and believe it will work. I would never reply right away ( within a few hours of getting something) because your emotions are very high whenever you get something from her, wait a day and then do it. If you want to acknowledge, just say something like " Got your mail, will reply when I come off mission." or something like that.

You have asked ( before in some of your posts) "Why can't she get this, and see what needs to happen." Or at least words to that effect. Well, why don't you and I get some things the first time around? Fact is that all of us miss some things some times. Your choice is to work with what you have got, or leave. Remember that she will like you more and there is a better chance that things will work if you are nice to her even when she causes you pain. That is one of the things plan A is about.

You need to continue to plan A right along, and don't be calling her and asking her what she means, she doesn't know. I see it as a cry for help, and re-assurance. But if you told her that's what you thought about it, she would deny it. Plan A right along, give her positive replies to all her communication with you. Don't tell her she is wrong or ask her to explain herself. Just be positive. Thanking her for sharing her feelings is part of that, you did the right thing there. Say things consistant with your personality when you talk to her. It shouldn't be forced. Here are some things I might try ( but you are not me, so don't do things that are not you.)

This may sound crazy but I still have very strong feelings of love for you, and I still want to try and work things out.

I know you wonder what is the best thing to do, so do I but I still feel I would like to see if we can make us work.

Thank you for sharing your feelings, it remiended me of why I fell in love with you in the first place, it reminded me of why I still want to try and why I believe we still have a chance. Please consider that we still may be able to make things work, for that is what would make me the happiest.

Now, I know you have already spoken to her, this is for future, just trying to give you a heads up.

CD, I actually think you have a chance if you can step up and do this right. I am praying for you as are many others. Hope you are OK.

SS

<small>[ November 08, 2002, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I have nothing 2 add 2 the excellent advice above, CD. I truly believe that you can learn 2 show your W that you love her and she has every reason 2 love herself. In the end, the best thing for all of you (her, you, and the kids) is for your M 2 survive, but for now focus on being supportive, don't say or do anything that might appear 2 be applying pressure on her 2 do something "right." It will happen, in time, but it has 2 be her decision.

All my best,

As I sit and ponder one the things I am trying to do, I have to wonder how effective I am at what I am doing? I know I have little faces and tones that show my dissatisfaction or disagreement to what ever may be the issue at the time, I just don't know how to think before the reaction takes control. In my heart I want my W to know I care about her. I want to be able to have the pure love that Christ had. After all, I am no better than she. I have my own mistakes that have to deal with, and in away may be a problem of my own. My self-esteem has never been high in some areas of my life and is probably very unattractive. Even now as I say I want her to know I love and care about her I wonder what secrets she is keeping from me. I found out she has traveled out side the state a few weeks ago and now she is in California trying to promote her line. I wonder if she has met this guy again or if she is planning on it, and before I know it I am consumed in the unknown.
I have tried some of the things you all have suggested and it sounds like good advise. Do you ever feel like you are really going crazy? I mean really crazy! Not knowing what to do, or wondering what you could say that might shake the fog! I went out with my friends last night, just to get out of my room, and was at a restaurant/club surrounded by beautiful women. Everything I saw, everything I heard made me think of my W. Made me think of how she must have got into situations that lead to her mistakes. So as hard as I tried to have fun, I just wanted to hide and cry!! I am going nutzo!!!
Thank you for you replies, it help to have some kind of feedback when I get nothing from my W.
CD

CD:

"Do you ever feel like you are really going crazy?"

Yeah!

"I mean really crazy! "

Oh Yeah!!! Very much so.

Have you tried Greg Baer's book "The Truth About Relationships?" It's helping me, tremendously.

2long,
I looked for the book on my way here, but was unsuccessful. I found it online, but do not trust the system on getting it to me where I am at, so I will wait til I get home. I hope it will help, cause I am losing it. How can I hate her so much and at the same time want to be with her forever? What hurts is the fact that she knows she made a mistake but not willing to fix things? I know she is in this fog that consumes her, But its crap!!!
Sorry for the vent, but thanks for being there.
Cd

CD:

I may be able 2 help somewhat. Email me?

Taker care.

I have miss my W. I was calling and writting her everyday just to say hi and that I care about her. I was getting no response from her, no email and phone calls were all one sided, mine. So I stopped calling everyday and havn't sent as many emails, but now I miss her. I got online the other day and she was online. We chatted for a bit, she said it was nice to chat, it was like having a friend. Thats good because I want to be her friend, the one she can count on. Now I have a change to extend my deployment for another 2 weeks. I really don't want to do it, but it might show her I am trying to give her some space. I am fine with out her, but I do miss her!
Should I stay or go home? Cunfused again!
CD

CD,

I have been following your thread from day one.

After reading your wife's email to you, I wanted to give you a litte perspective from the WP point of view.

I see a lot of similarities between what your wife wrote, and the things that I went through. I see a woman that is terrififed. She is starting to feel the guilt from her actions and at the same time she is trying to still protect herself from the truth of what she has done.

Personally, I think that right now she's looking to know that you will be there for her to lean on because she is empty and in need of someone to "fix" her feelings. She's really LOST and now is the time when she will be looking inward. She is VERY vulnerable at the moment. She's testing the waters to see whether or not it will be safe for her to open up. I TRULY believe that you need to back off with the emotional "reactions" and simply be there for her. She doesn't trust anything right now so you need to show her that you are a "safe" person to be around. Once she feels safe, it will all start to pour out of her.

If you asked me, your chances look great. Please don't walk away and try to hold on. She WILL come out of this FOG.

Lily,
I feel you are right, I just don't know how to show her I am safe to open to. I'm going to an island in the caribean for a couple of weeks with my unit, so I invited her. She said it was something to think about, but we had alot to talk about. I am so lost right now, the girls here are all so forward and open. Not that I am looking for something or someone, but when I go out they all seem so nice I wonder if I could be happier with someone else. I know it is just the attention that I crave from the lack of any at home. If I don't go out and do nothing all I think about is my W and it really brings me down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I know we could have a happy marriage, but I know it will not be easy. I feel so cheated being the only one who cares. I know I can be happy with someone else, I just don't want to be with someoneelse.
I know she is going through a stage in her life that she is lost, her selfesteem is low and she thinks if she changes her surrounding she will be happy. But I know that is not a fix that will last, and I want her to be happy. If she is happy my Ds will be happier and I will be. I just don't know how to show her I want to try.
Should I try and stay away, giving her space? or is that just giving her the freedom she want to see OM? I just don't know. I miss my Ds so much and I miss my W.
CD

CD:

Did you get my email?

I think you're head and heart are in the right place. Good for you for resisting temptation with those "other girls" you mentioned. Yes, you CAN be happier, either with someone else OR with your W in an openly honest and caring M. And YES, you will need 2 do this work 2 be a better companion anyway, so you're right in wanting 2 do it with your W...

As 2 whether you should go home or not is up 2 you. I think it was sweet of you 2 invite your W 2 be with you. It shows that you want 2 be a family 2gether. You can do that in the Carribean or at home. Your choice.

I hope all goes well for you, but realize that this will take time and patience.

CD
You are in the military
I know you are sad and lonely with your current marital situation. I know that temptation is ALL around you. You would be MORE of a man if you just simply kept walking..away from the girls you talk about that seem so "Upbeat and Fun". Trust me on this one. You will get into a boatload more of trouble that you already have going on, if you bring someone else into the equation.

One night of being with someone to take away the so called "BLUES"...will in the end get you the blues like its cool. Trust me. Im a FWS. Don't do it. Work on you, work on your marriage but don't give into a few fun and upbeat girls that are all around you.

It may look like they are fun and upbeat and all that. You may feel like you deserve to be with someone like them but my friend, don't judge a book by its cover. You have no idea what half those girls are REALLY like or really have going on. Anyone can smile and giggle and make it all seem okay but trust me. It won't be.

Concentrate on you and your goals to save your marriage. Don't worry about fun and upbeat chickys that are all around you. You will be asking for BIG TROUBLE if you give into them in the slighest way. TRUST ME ON THAT ONE. One night of being made to feel like you are someone will lead to a path of feeling like a nobody real quick and the regret and guilt will eat you up. I speak from experience.

I know you can justify it. Your wife is not responding. You are alone, far away, tired of being down and out. Find other things to do that are more productive and positive. When the giddy girls come walking by, look away. Take pride in yourself. Do the right thing. Tell yourself. "I deserve to be happy, smile and have a good life and I will get that by doing the right thing, not the wrong thing".

So often we justify being with other person for a million an one reasons but you know what....THERE IS NO REASON TO CHEAT OR BE WITH ANOTHER PERSON UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The damage you will do to yourself, let alone anyone else, will haunt you for a long long time. You may be forgiven or forgive yourself but you will be haunted by it in so many ways, I can't even begin to tell you.

Not to mention those girls you are around. You have NO idea where they have been..if you catch my drift. They may seem "legit" but trust me all that glitters is NOT gold.

Good luck my friend.
Zoey

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 07:43 AM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Thanks for the advise, and don't worry, even though its nice to get alittle attention, I still love my W and do not want her to feel the pain I have felt. It doen't matter what she has done, no one should have to feel that. I never want to have to face her and say I was unfaithful. I can see how hard it is for her and I know it has brought her much unhappiness.
2long, Yes I got your email, Thank you. I have not explored much of it but I like what I have seen.
I have about 2 more weeks before I go home. I can't wait to see my girls, I miss them alot. I haven't recieved anything from my W in about 2 weeks. Although she did forward a story this morning. I guess its something.
Cd

Going home in a week and want to go with an up beat and hopeful additude. I can't seem to keep it, how can I keep up the act so she never sees me down and out? I don't want her to think I will dwell on what she has done forever.
I am scared to go home..... what do I do?
CD

Hi, citydweller:

I have not responded to your posts before, but I read this thread with some interest. You seem like a really GOOD guy, trying to do the right thing. Being a guy (and a soldier!), you probably want to FIGHT and FIX things right NOW. Believe me, it won't work. I'm kind of a "fix it NOW" kind of person myself!

My H left me 18 months ago, without so much as an explanation, or advance warning. He's still gone, and dv is final, and STILL I have no idea what prompted it, or what he was/is thinking OR if there's any chance of ever seeing him again. Pretty dour situation, don't ya think?

I say all that to let you know that the most important thing you can do now is work on YOU. By this time, you should have a pretty good idea what EN's your W felt were missing, which sent her looking at OM. If so, then you must work on becoming the kind of H who wouldn't neglect her needs anymore.

I know what you are going to say to this: HOW can I show her I've changed, will change and be there for her if she won't let me? The "Official MB answer" to that question is that you must work on YOU during this time alone. It's a great way to fix yourself, so you appear strong, confident, ready to help her when she's ready for help.

This is one of the hardest things for BS to accept. The hardest one to understand. You cant' MAKE them be "ready" for help, or force it on them. They have to go through whatever mind exercises it is they have to go through before they emerge from the fog. In the meantime, the best thing we can do for them is - well, you've been told! All the great advice you've been given is the answer!

WORK ON YOU.
DON'T ask her about your R.
DON'T pressure her, or LB.

Have you read all the concepts on this website? Have you purchased SAA? There is also an excellent book, "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Both of those books will put much of this in perspective for you, and help you cope while you wait for your W to come back to herself.

I admire your resolve to put your M back together. YOU CAN do it! YOu obviously can't do it alone, but understand you CAN'T rush this. Just take it slow. She's coming around. I know you don't believe it, but she is! At least she talks to you (albeit infrequently)....I haven't heard from my H in 6 months. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Apparently he likes it that way. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

We are all pulling for you.

God Bless,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>.
I am scared to go home..... what do I do?
CD</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CD,
Proverbs 3

Further Benefits of Wisdom

1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I will keep you in my prayers...

SH