Thanks for the responses.
I have read SAA and HNHN. I have started reading a book called 7 habits of highly effective people. It has nothing to do with As or Marriage, but it applies to all areas of life. I cannot believe how much the first habit applies to plan A. It really gave me a wake up call, not that it is easy but its talks about bettering your self and not letting your surroundings dictate who you are. Anyway, I would recommend it to anyone wondering how to better themselves.
Now with that said, I sit and wonder how I can go home next Saturday and be that person. How to keep upbeat. To make things harder, I sit and wonder if I should look for someone who would treat me better. My W is wonderful and is very driven, I just wonder if her priorities are in the wrong order. All though I have been gone alot and, as she states, never wanted to go to school and better myself for them. I serve her and jump to her every call. Maybe I need someone who will be willing to serve me as I serve her. I’m I just confused or scared? Either way I have two little girls that need a mom and a dad. It breaks my heart to think they might not have them both together because we are too selfish and thoughtless to fix a M that is broken.
CD

CD:

So long as your "self-improvement" that you talk about is FOR YOU, not a facade 2 make your W "want you", you have nothing 2 be afraid of. JUST BE YOURSELF. Your W will either warm up 2 this "new you" or she won't. But try not 2 hang everything you do on expectations of what you want her 2 do. You'll both be disappointed.

This process of getting past her A will take TIME. Probably a LOT of time. Patience without expectations is in order now.

Good luck

Hi CD,
I haven't seen you for a few days, but glad you are still working on things.

I have started reading a book called 7 habits of highly effective people. It has nothing to do with As or Marriage, but it applies to all areas of life. I cannot believe how much the first habit applies to plan A. It really gave me a wake up call, not that it is easy but its talks about bettering your self and not letting your surroundings dictate who you are.

See, DR Harley, and Steven Covey have taken some universal truths and written books about how they apply to us, and how we can use them. 7 Habits is very good material. I hope you read HNHN and 7 habits over again at least once a year because we tend to forget and need reminders.

Now with that said, I sit and wonder how I can go home next Saturday and be that person. How to keep upbeat.
CD, you will just have to try. There is no magic spell that will keep you from LB's after you get home. It's easy for us to say you need to do this and that but you are going to live your life and we can't do it for you. One help it to write down your goals, and your plans. One of the reasons our spouses feel distant from us is our pushing them away in anger over what they have done. You have some good helps in the books you have gotten, write down some things you want to be able to do, and check each night before you retire on how you have done. As many have said, it's not how she reacts, it's how you do compared to how you wanted to do that you go on for a while.

To make things harder, I sit and wonder if I should look for someone who would treat me better.
You don't have to stay, remember that, you have chosen to stay. That should give you some power to fight the demons that well up in your mind. This is your choice and you chose it because of the kind of person you are, and you can be even better, you really can. We all fight with that, but self improvement is a battle that can be won, don't give up.

My W is wonderful and is very driven, I just wonder if her priorities are in the wrong order.
We know her priorities HAVE been in the wrong order, and some of them will continue to be, I believe that could be said of all of us at times. What we hope is that she will change, as you are changing. My W and I have been using HNHN to improve our M for over 9 months but we both still make blunders - even though we both buy into the concepts.

All though I have been gone a lot and, as she states, never wanted to go to school and better myself for them. I serve her and jump to her every call. Maybe I need someone who will be willing to serve me as I serve her. I'm I just confused or scared?
Her guilt will cause her to find excuses for what she has done, it's easier to blame you than look inside. I have found there is nearly always some basis for the concern they have, even if they blow it up way beyond reality. Examine closely what she is saying, use whatever truth there is to help your plan. Perhaps she resents that you have been away in the Military instead of getting your education close to her. Think on this stuff, but don't obsess over it.

Either way I have two little girls that need a mom and a dad. It breaks my heart to think they might not

Yes, that part won't change, will it. Sobering information there.

CD, just do the best you can, and try to improve. Don 't go home and start up the R talks. Go home and have fun with your family - especially your W. Go on dates that are things she likes, and just enjoy her company. Have some family outings, love your daughters. Think some more and then tell us before you do anything big. Please don't try and figure out if you will stay or leave in the first month you are home, give it time. Notice how both Steven Covey and DR Harley talk about the love bank concept? Go home and make deposits.

SS

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Thanks guys,
Some good advide here, I need it. The closer I come, the harder it gets. I have my last flight to day then I am down til the 1st of Dec when I get home.
Don't worry, be happy. Right?
CD

I kind of laugh at the "don't worry, be happy."
I don't know how one could be where you are and not worry and not have some sadness. There are many things you can't change that naturally bring sadness ( and anger)

One of the things I suggest is that you make a list of all the things that worry you, and that make you sad and angry. Then look at the list and divide it into two parts - The things you can do something about, and the things you can't do anything about. After you have it, you need to put all you worry and effort into the things you can do something about. It seems that you spend quite a bit of time worring about things you cannot change or affect in any way. Put your worry, your thought, your effort into things you can change.

As far as be happy, you still have many blessings. Don't let the bad things that are happening overshadow the good in your life. Count your blessings, I believe you will find that you have a great deal to be happy about. If you can communicate those things to youw W, if you can show strength, and love, and not anger and sadness, there is a greater chance she will respond and love you back.

Do you pray, and do you feel there is someone there that cares?

SS

OK, I haven't been here for a few and I am really feeling lost.
I just got home last night and I am trying to be cheerful. Its hard when i sit down and talk with the W and she has to say she wants to seperate!~\
I have been gone for almost 2 months. In those two months I might have recieved 3 emails from her. But, she would like me to help her get a loan so she can get the Day Care back on its feet!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I told her if she wanted to seperate where she was going to go,... she doen't know. Yet she wants me to help her at work and still be friends. Am I just not seeing it here? How can I be friends with her after she has been with 3 other men and wants to leave???? I must have been stupid for thinking This could work. I am tired of giving and not getting my needs back.

Ok I may be in a bit of a fog here as well. I had mentioned I had made female friends that would atleast listen to me. I was put to the test before I left to come home. But I stayed faithful. Its just so unfair. To have someone willing and eager to meet my needs while My W continues to break my heart. Even tonight My W is out with her friends. I am beginning to hate her! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Tonight I told her i was confused about what she had said. Last night she said she wanted to seperate and to night she said she wanted a D. She actually asked what the difference was! Am I just blind? Is it all the same? What are the rules if we just seperate? Do I start dating again? Or do I try to wait til she wakes up or remarries? What about my kids, will they ever understand? Do I tell them their mother is a two time'en H.....? Ok I know I don't tell them that, but should they know their mother cant keep her legs closed? Ok.... not that either.... Or just mommy has a new boyfriend? I just don't know what I'm doing any more.
I would tell you more on why I would be better off finding someone new, but I might just be talking from the fog. But maybe it isn't, I have not had an A.Maybe I'm just tired of trying.
Maybe I'm just tired!
Cd

cd,

I hear your pain and know that you are one frustrated H right now. You should be. No one should be suffering as you have been.

With that in mind and knowing that this pain is not over yet, please try this:

1. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

2. Know that your questions are legit.

3. Know that the answers to them are coming.

4. Learn to know when the right answers come.

5. Know that while you can't fix your W, your children need your love and you need theirs. Be there for each other. You won't have to tell them. You have bright children, right? They will figure it out. What the need to be reassured of is your love.

6. Don't help your W get on her feet. She is the one that fell down by her choice. While you are willing to help her help herself and her family, let her know that you are not interested in enabling her A. If she can't tell the difference between S and D, then she needs to start with the dictionary and progress from there. Don't help her figure it out. WS' get mentally quite lazy in the fog.

Don't get suckered into that fog. It is not a pretty place.

take care,
L.

CityDweller.......i agree with you...how could she say she cares about you and cheat on you again and again....if she really cared about you she would let you go......she is not worthy of you...you are letting this happen over and over.....who knows how many times she did and will do it again....why? BECAUSE SHE CAN....she is being COMPLETELY SELFISH......CAKEWOMAN....wants the safety and comfort of home and loving husband.....fun on the side....she probably couldn't handle the real world out there....you should let her have it....THE REAL WORLD OUT THERE....that is....you are being way to nice to her for accepting her behavior.....she needs a reality check....no plan A....just the BOOT....hopefully she'll be back with a whole new outlook on your marriage, if she doesn't well at least you wont be in Hell forever.....you'll meet someone who respects you...I was married, cheated on my husband once..... told my husband right away, he accepted....i felt like s**t....promised MYSELF that if i would FEEL like cheating on him again i would leave the marriage so he can find someone who is better FOR HIM, and i can go and figure my stuff out without hurting innocent people.....7 more yrs. went by....the feeling came back....i got out....today his is remarried with 2 children and happy....he went through hell with me....i was always honest with him....we can't deny how we feel...

Must add.....your wife is nothing but a COWARD, who wont assume responsability and let you go....she's waiting for YOU to tell her to go so she doesn't have to feel responsible for breakup...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> i hate these weak weak people..

Why do I care so much? She has cheated on me more than once and I still wanted to work it out! WHY? It just doesn't make sense to me.

We talked this morning about...? I guess about everything. She just said she is the bad person, she is the one who made the mistake and she wants to find someone who will accept her with her faults. Thinks I will always throw what she has done in her face and use it against her. She wants me to leave her, I guess your right, so she doesn't have to be the bad person.
She said she tried so hard for so long, but I think she is just trying to make herself feel better for what she did.
I know I could be happy with someone else, but what If we could fix our M and not have to put the kids through hell. I can't stand to think about " her weekend, My weekend". My kids didn't do anything to deserve this.
I hate her for this!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
CD

I just had a question run through my mind.
should I plan B or give it some time at home before I do something like that? Or should I wait and let her leave?
CD

citydweller.......i can't tell you what to do, but your situation sounds alot like mine was minus a few affaires.....my ex husband couldn't deal with the my weekend your weekend also....he would say if i can't be a full time dad and husband then i don't want to be anything.it just about killed him ...it was the hardest thing we had to do in our lives...till this day it remains the hardest thing we had to deal with. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ....when he left he did not see my son for 6 months because it killed him to be with my son and not with me as a complete family....he was suicidal and he had thoughts of killing me and my son and then killing himself.....he turned to his family and went to a doctor...it hurt so bad ....this went on for 1½yrs...until he met his present wife.....all this happened 13yrs. ago......we are still very good friends and everything worked out for the best.....but i'm sure he hated me for having the feelings i had also....but he did not want to stay with me for the wrong reasons.....i had told him at that time if he wanted to come back that i would be with him because i couldn't stand the pain he was going through....he said he could not come back because i had pity for him....so he tried to move on...the whole time i was there for him until he met his now present wife....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She just said she is the bad person, she is the one who made the mistake and she wants to find someone who will accept her with her faults. Thinks I will always throw what she has done in her face and use it against her. She wants me to leave her, I guess your right, so she doesn't have to be the bad person.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it's not the possibility that you'll throw her A's in her face, but that being with you will always be a trigger that will remind her of her A's. Of course, IF this is the case it's nothing more than a running away from her issues that caused her to have her A's. A good question to ask her would be is that if she does find somebody else what makes her beleive that she won't have more A's when the going gets tough?

TooMuchCoffeeMan.......my ex husband did ask me that....he asked me if i was going to bail out of every relationship when the going gets tough....well at the time i couldn't answer that, but 13yrs. later i must say that the answer is yes....life is too short.....BO

Hoping my answer could help Citydweller understand his own wife....i could imagine how she is feeling.....she must be feeling very guilty and just as upset as you are CD.....BO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">....well at the time i couldn't answer that, but 13yrs. later i must say that the answer is yes....life is too short.....BO</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BO I'm confused. Are you actually saying that his WW is right in wanting to end her M and find somebody else because she's afraid of the possibility that CD will throw her A's in her face?

TooMuchCoffeeMan.....i'm saying he should LISTEN to what she is saying....SHE wants out....LET HER GO.....The road will be difficult for the both of them.....It always hurts more for the person left behind, this pain is temporary.......but the guilt of breaking up the family will be with her for ever....BO

Thanks for the clarification boilingover.

You are correct, it may be time for CD to let go. Who knows, she may even want to come back to him if he says to her goodbye.

Ok, now that we clarified everything...
Well it has been an eventful day. She wants a divorce and I want to kill the OM. I just jound out that she had lied to me again. (big surprize)
The New OM doen't live out of state, but right here in town. She went on a business trip the beginning of Nov, looks like he went as well. Funny thing about luggage, it has names on it. Her luggage had his name on the luggage checkin tag. Maybe your right, maybe its time to just let her go. Al I wanted was a chance to forgive her and try to make her happy. I don't know if anyone can make her happy right now. As long as they don't bring up anything she has done wrong I guess shes fine. Sure they are all sweet and supportive, they are getting what they want!~
Get this... She says she just has a really good friend. I want to find this guy and beat the living s**t out of him.
Then she tells me she has to get a divorce because she feels guilty for what shes done, so he!! WHY NOT KEEP DOING IT, RIGHT? We have to get a divorce and then if we get back together she knows its because I wanted to and not because I am trapped! Does any of this make any sense to you? So we ended up with her telling me she has been asking for a divorce for months now and I won't give her one. I told her I am not filling out papers for something I don't want. So she said I need to leave, I said I am not leave, I don't want to seperate she does. So she said she would pack and leave. I told her she could not take the car, the other one is broke. She grabbed a bag and started to put clothes in, then started to cry. I wanted to kill myself. I hate to see her hurting, Even if she hurt me, I just wanted to hug her. Looks like she will sleep down stairs tonight and go do something tomorrow by herself. Do I believe her? don't care anymore! She can run to the OM and see if he can comfort her. Funny, I looked up his # today...He still lives with mom and dad. How can she compare him to me. He knows nothing about life! The bank is going bankrupt and I don't knowe if I care!
I just want to cry, but I can't. I spent almost 2 months crying to myself so my room mate would know somethig was wrong. I had to be out and doing something just to keep my mind off of my W. Wondering if she was OK, hoping she had a smile that day. The I find out this guy is here in town, Now I just wonder how often they got to gether. But I guess it really doen't matter.
I am worried about her. She said she had thought about killing herself, but hasn't because of her girls. They love her and need her, I pray she doen't do anything stupid.
CD

CD.....it hurts me to read your story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .....of course you make sense when you say that you need to get away from each other in order for both of you to get a better view of what's happening to your lives....easier said than done...i know....Why do you have to divorce so quickly? I don't know your whole history with wife but it seems clear to me that she always had things her way......not that there is anything wrong with that......referring to the OM who still lives at home....he has very little to do with her decision to leave....OPs usually are not the reason WSs leave their families, but they don't know that yet....I don't believe that you can or should leave a good husband or wife for another person, no matter how good they seem at the time....Unfortunately too many WSs figure this out when its too late.....you should however leave your marriage if THE MARRIAGE and that LIFESTYLE is not what you want anymore and your miserable and your ruining everyone elses happiness around you (meaning your spouse and children)
trust me CD your wife will only appreciate who you are if you LET HER GO for now.....she says she is looking for someone that will accept her with all her faults.....i think that person is you ..... she just doesn't realize that yet.....she will realize it when she won't find it with anyone else......especially not the boy living at home...don't worry she may compare your eye color to this man but she can't compare your integrity to his.....hope this helps CD....BO