I was wondering if some of you can give me advise. I am married, and I know my husband had an affair, although he will not admit it. I have been through this before in my life. I also know it is over now, but I just can not seem to get over it. I feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and so sad for what I believed to be the most wonderful relationship of my life. I was never so happy, now I feel so miserable. It happened last summer, and I still can't get through the emotional pain. I love him, but to be honest I know that I could divorce him and be content with that descision, if he would just admit it. I guess I need that for my own peace. I feel so disrespected that it even happened, and now I dont even get the respect of him admitting it.

To make matters worse, He grows increasingly distant towards me! I'm not perfect, don't get me wrong. But I am faithful, and I am there for him any time he needs me. I am supportive, loving, and we had the most wonderful intimacy before this happened. One day he just changed. It all just stopped. When I noticed the change in him, I brought it to his attention, he just continued to push me away. He stopped wanting to be intimate as often, and I had to fight for what we had left. I resent that I had to fight. I guess now I have given up, don't care as much anymore and the relationship continues to become distant, though now we fight like we never have. Little things that have no importance, are now arguments.

My need for advise is this: We are suppose to move and I dont know if I should go with him. We have kids, but would they be better off with/without their father. I know I could make a life for them, I would survive and struggle but I could do it. Am I being selfish for even considering not going with him? I did not deserve what he did, but to be honest I dont think he deserves to put up with me not being able to get over it either. I think I could give it a good effort, if he would just show me love and affection for more then a day at a time after an argument, but he wont even do that. Should I leave what security I do have now, to be with a man that will not meet any of my needs, or desires in a place that I have no one and the fear of another infedility in the future is a daily struggle for me. If he loved me, how could he do this? What did I do wrong? I don't understand how this could happen. I thought I was doing everything right, I learned from my past and tried so hard to do things differently. I thought we were close. I thought things were perfect. I never cheated, so I just dont understand.

Thank you for your time.

My advice would be to sit him down and have a heart to heart. If he still maintains that everything is fine and this must be something that only you feel, then I would suggest marriage counseling to him.

Have you suggested that?

If the reason he wasn't telling you had to do with a fear of losing everything, would that help you with addressing this issue?

Would you say that your current actions/ reactions are reinforcing his fear?

I'm not suggesting that if you are nice, that he'll automatically open up, but it would probably contribute to some progress down the road.

Might I suggest that, if you are able, try to see if you would be willing to work on the M even if the worst came out. In my uninformed opinion, I hope you can come to that decision. Then you can take steps from there. If you can't then try a pro-marriage counselor and see where that takes you.

Since you may have expressed a desire to understand how something like this could happen.... perhaps some of the Harley books should be read. I think Love Busters might be a good one that wouldn't freak out her husband. And move on from there.

One final thought... I'm guessing that people will tend to rationalize divorce by minimizing the effects. I'm not saying you are doing that, but the "grass is greener" line of thinking is a very common phenomenom. Thinking too much about it might make certains decisions harder.

Thank you for your replies. I started crying when I read them, because I noticed that there were things I had not considered. I never talked to him about therapy, I thought it was pointless due to his denial. I guess I should give him the option of wanting to work through things, instead of us just being angry every day.

You know what hit me hard? The thought that he could feel fear of losing everything. If he could feel fear over that, how could he do it in the first place? I will look into those Harley books. When your so hurt, I guess you don't consider that the other person could be hurting as well, in their own way. Maybe not the way you hurt, but in another way. This understanding has helped me a great deal! I also believe that my actions/reactions ARE reinforcing his fears, if he does in fact feel that way. How could I not be making him feel guilty or bad, just by my own sadness that is apparent every day, even anger or short tempered at times. This is a revelation for me...Thank you.

I can't honestly tell you that if he admits it, I can stay and be ok. Like I said before, I have been through this, and I know the effects of divorce on a child. It is heartbreaking for the child. But how much more heartbreaking would it be on the child if I got some sort of disease or God forbid a Virus! I guess I fear my own safety as well. I'm not minimizing the effects of divorce. I come from a broken home as well, but for one person to betray another in such a personal, loving and giving aspect of the relationship and just give that to another person for the sake of an orgasm, I find repulsive. Dont get me wrong, I love sex but with my husband, and no other will I even consider.

Thank you for your help

NO i AM NOT GOING TO WAIT PATIENTLY for something that was owed to me. I have heard nothing but lies for so long that I am just tired. I once told him that I could forgive anything...but the fact that he continues to lie in the face of that tells me he never had any interest in my forgiveness and thumbs his nose at it. I could take the truth a lot easier than his bs"I love you with all my heart" in the fake syrupy voice. No if he does not do something soon, either come clean and TELL ME he does not know what he wants or stop the madness, then I am afraid he will be facing his worst nightmare...and lying to a counselor, no matter how good of a liar he thinks he is will just put the nail in his coffin. CUT the BS!