</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> adgirl48
Member
Member # 26615

posted May 02, 2003 09:31 AM
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I disagree with committed. He has proved to you how he will react, time and time again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Clarifying my postion..

adgirl,

The reason I told her to extend an invitation for a "public" celebration was because Jen tends to second guess her decisions. If she doesn't she is going to think that she should have...later. She is constantly on the edge ..trying to predict his actions and I think that she needs to remove all the doubt from her mind of what would have happened ...had she done this...and he said this.
She beats herself up all the time..even the title of the thread is reflective on that. IF it was the right thing...she doesn't know what is the "right" thing to do in any given situation so she needs to try and make the simple things simple to act on. The simple act of asking would have removed all doubt.

She will be here Monday...posting that MAYBE she should have asked him afterall...because he was so depressed that she wasn't around. She needs to remove the doubt that she can.

Please note that I did tell her that IF he answers with wanting a "secret" meeting that she needed to go on her trip. He doesn't need anything else to call and blast her about. He can't if she asked and he declined. Seemed simple enough to me.

committed ( and clarified)

Committed,
Thanks for clarifying (seriously) - I understand you better now. I guess my fear was the same thing yours was, but in a different light. I thought if she DID call him and he was rude, she wouldn't want to go this weekend and then she would second guess having called him. Or he would just interrogate her about what she was doing and where she was going, and then she would feel guilty again. I think the point is, that we are ALL making here, is that Jen has a lot of guilt. hahaha Jen how do you like us all analyzing you? You sure do have a lot of people who care. Still Standing is right too though- maybe you should seek a professional who knows more than we all do-
And mthrbrd suggested Jen call him before she leaves. I am truly not trying to disagree with you over and over, and pick fights, I just think since she decided to go for the weekend, she should go and enjoy and I am afraid if she calls him she will get worried again. But JMHO!!! Jen, keep your boundaries here too- I know we all have put in a lot of advice, but ultimately all of this is your decision. PRAY about it. God knows what He wants for you and Your life. None of us really knows that future but He does.....

Yep! Complicated and delicate describes Jen's situation. Ask a HARLEY. That's the best advise anyone could give. Good job SS!

FYI - I'm off. I suppose you folks might debate what I should do in my absence by the sounds of things. I'll be home Sunday night.

No, I'm not calling him before I go. I 'm not opening myself up to that. I am going to check my messages while I'm away though.

Have a good weekend everyone,

Jen

Wow, I'm almost shocked you all stopped posting in my absence, lol!

I had a great weekend (epic amounts of fresh powder to ski in!), my H NEVER EVER called my apt. or my cell phone, and I am so glad I didn't let his uncanny ability to manipulate me and make me feel eternally guilty cause me to sit at home this weekend.

I went to the library before the weekend, and got a couple of books on tape that I listened to while driving, and came across a VERY interesting one. It's called "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. Holy cow, does it ever describe the way my H has made me feel guilty and like I'm always wrong and how he is always the wise one and the right one, etc. I'm just getting to the part about how to end the cycle, and to stop giving in to the Emotional Blackmailer's demands and threats. One thing I think I really respect about this woman's perspective on things is the fact that an Emotional Blackmailer doesn't do it consciously or just to cause emotional pain. They do it because they are really just very frightened of being deprived of what they want and not being in complete control of their life.

If anyone is going to accuse me of focusing on my H too much again, just please stuff a sock in it. This book/tape actually helps people to stop being sucked in by the emotional blackmail of people in all aspects of our lives, relatives, employers, etc. I think it may even be useful to me in my interactions with my family! I mention it b/c perhaps others have read it, or it may be of interest to others.

Well, time to unpack!

Jen

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jen Brown:
<strong>Wow, I'm almost shocked you all stopped posting in my absence, lol!

If anyone is going to accuse me of focusing on my H too much again, just please stuff a sock in it. This book/tape actually helps people to stop being sucked in by the emotional blackmail of people in all aspects of our lives, relatives, employers, etc. I think it may even be useful to me in my interactions with my family! I mention it b/c perhaps others have read it, or it may be of interest to others.

Well, time to unpack!

Jen

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">#1, I can't speak for others, but I was too embarrassed to talk about you while you were gone, after you called us on it!! LOL!
And as for the 2nd part, I don't need any sock stuffing, because I was going to say GOOD FOR YOU for focusing on you this weekend. I am so glad you got to relax, that is terrific!!! And listening to tapes about emotional blackmail is to help you heal, so I don't think you are focusing on him by doing that.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If anyone is going to accuse me of focusing on my H too much again, just please stuff a sock in it.

I wasn't going to, but since you brought it up.............Just kidding.

It's your life, you should listen, be thankful people care, and do what you need to do.

All my socks are dirty, so I had better watch what I say right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

adgirl and stillseeking,

Thanks for the encouragement and good humour! I am VERY thankful that people care.

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jen

We do care very much, and that's why we hate to see you going round and round in circles. In the UK we had a kids TV programme called "The Magic Roundabout". There was one character called "Dill the Dog", and this dog used to go round and round in circles chasing it's tail singing "I'm Dill the Dog, I'm a dog called Dill". Well, OK, I digress, but I think you know what I mean don't you. Read the bit about breaking the cycle!!!!

I am so glad you concentrated on you and had a great weekend. All that worry, and well, best you did what you did, and best I go and put some washing on, because I was cycling yesterday and my socks are well, yucky to say the least!!!!

Take care Jen.

Lisa

<small>[ May 05, 2003, 04:48 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Who is it that has that signature line that says something like, "what do you do when the one who has hurt you is the only one who can stop your tears"?

Or what were the actual words?

Tonight's just another lonely night, where I'm just so sad for what could've been and should've been, and I really miss being able to just walk into the next room and find my H and ask him for a big hug.

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hang in there Jen its always "darkest before the dawn"

Hmmm what a corny saying hell its off to work once its dawn! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyhow try and find some peace in all this mess life is too short.

I know how you feel, I miss my back rubs.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Okay now you have me all sad and weepy too!

Enough of the pitty party.

Cyber hugs right click!

Cyber back rubs left click! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh adgirl, I wish I could give you a back rub, but I know it wouldn't be the same.

There's almost nothing that made everything with the world seem so right, so safe, and so full of hope as when my H and I would spoon and hold each other all night long. And we did that most nights. Now I only get to cuddle with the stuffed rabbit my H gave me years ago.

He still has a stuffed rabbit I gave him years ago, and it's always in the bed when I go over there. I always think maybe it's not completely hopeless when I see Mr. Rabbit in our bed.

I hope you're right s-d, that it's darkest before the dawn. And I don't want to go to work in the morning either! It actually crossed my mind to play sick this morning. Oh well.

Hugs to all,

Jen <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jen just curious have you shared this sight with your husband?

I mean to me its very moving the pain you are going thru. I can relate it very much to the pain my wife is going thru and it helps me deal with the fact I am the betrayed spouse.

By that I know I am not alone in hurting over what happened and that besides being sorry for the affair my wife is hurting like me too.

I think it would be useful for your husband to see how you feel....of course you might want to go back and edit some of your posts when you were hacked off.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I've let him know how much I'm hurting on many occasions. Sometimes he just listens in silence, other times he gets mad b/c he has so much more to deal with, that it's like I'm selfish for wanting attention and comforting ("I got myself into this"). Other times he just says callously, "what , are you crying again?" Then I read things like the list of divorcebusting tips, and it says to act indifferently and like I'm strong and ready to move on, and I feel like I ought to hide my pain, b/c it's unattractive to be desperate, and in my H's case it's just showing him I'm vulnerable so he can manipulate me, etc.

There, how's that for a run-on sentence?

Jen

Ugh can't believe he doesn't respond to seeing your pain....even though you brought it on yourself to some extent.

As mad as I was (and sometimes am when I hit a trigger) I never enjoyed seeing my wife in pain at least not pain deliberately caused by me.

I did find comfort in knowing it hurt to see me so tormented and in such pain. But that was because it told me she was thinking about me not just herself.

Jen I just don't know what to say. I have been following your story with great interest because it has helped me learn how to empathize with my wife's pain despite her guilt.

I hope your husband has not hit the point where the only thing he wants you for is to dump on.

I hope so too. I'm glad that at least my situation has helped you feel more empathy for your W.

I know he's hurting a lot this week, what with his b-day Friday, and Sat. being the "anniversary" of the first time I slept with OM. He's reliving it all I assume, so I'm keeping my distance. I hope that's what he really needs.

JB

Jen,
You said you sleep with the stuffed rabbit but I just can't sleep with the stuffed dog that my Ex-Wh gave me. It just makes me too sad. But last time I went to my house- which was oh, about a month or so ago- he still had my wedding veil in his closet, our Biltmore Place tickets on his nightstand, and a letter I wrote him on his filing cabinet....that made me think, oh well, he hasn't completely forgotten me....and there were 2 pics on the fridge, he had the one of my whole family at Christmas 2001, with him kissing me, behind the one of my 2 nieces and nephew. ......I guess I felt better knowing he didn't just completely make all of "me" disappear. But yeh, I miss getting into our cuddly position at night- I always slept good that way.......
OK ENOUGH!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I can't get sad anymore!!Night night....go to work, be strong, you will feel better once you actually get moving.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stunned-dad:
<strong>Okay now you have me all sad and weepy too!

Enough of the pitty party.

Cyber hugs right click!

Cyber back rubs left click! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Stunned_dad!!!