Mimi, doesnt' sound like you missed anything. I was just concerned about you as I know how our minds can be so scrambled through all this. Pardon the expression, but we do think with heart many times and not with our brain. LOL
I just want you to be protected as you can already see how he flounces back and forth, and when they're in a lying deceiving state,I would trust nothing!
In fact, I may not ever trust mine again even though he's with me. Even when the A is seemingly over, we still have to deal with the wondering if they're thinking of OP!
Stick with your plan! He's had it too good for too long.
LouLou

Dear Mimi -

I'm trying very hard to want to give up hope that me and WH will ever be back together. Everyone from my therapist (who had been our MC once the A was discovered) to my friends and coworkers have told me that it's time to move on. I've read Dobson's book several times and have instituted the LMBT method to a fairly large degree - it's a little bit more workable than a true Plan B for me since I do have contact with WH re. the children. Problem is, it doesn't seem to be working. He's still with OW.

Right now I'm sitting in my house (I refinanced it in my name only). My 3 YO and 4 mth old children are sleeping. I've been doing laundry, trying to clean the house, take care of the baby and entertain the tot. It is a gray day and I can't even get out to go to the grocery store or running. I haven't been able to really get exercising again since I had the baby.

Meanwhile my WH is on a biking/canoeing weekend with a group of people including OW and their new friends (people that don't know the history of their relationship). IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY THAT I WANT TO SCREAM AND CALL HIS CELL PHONE AND HURL OBSCENTIES AT HIM AND CALL HIS OW A W^*%$. We used to do a lot of outdoorsy stuff but was limited once our first child was born - now he is able to go and do exactly what he wants and I'm stuck inside with children, chores and no company <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> If I complain, WH offers to take the children - but then he has OW with him to help. I hate when my 3 YO is around her and I can't stand the thought of her holding my infant and the 4 of them going out pretending to be a family - It's MY family. I'm so stuck that I can't stand it! Sorry for jumping in on your post - but I get going and can't stop. I'm so sad.

Duejan:
I very sad and weepy today, too. This is true although I did all of the RIGHT things. I went to the movies with my mother and sister and saw ANGER MANAGEMENT. It ended up being a love story so in the end all I could think about is how my WS is in love with the OW and probably romancing with her. I'm feeling so rejected like he chose her over me. A large part of me knows that I have more to offer but it's hard to feel that way today.

I also opened a separate banking account which is what I needed to do but it is so HARD.

I guess I'm trying to face the reality of this after being in DENIAL over the past few months that he would really do this. I keep waiting for him to call me and say that this was all a big mistake. MAGICAL THINKING!!! It feels just like grieving a death-just like I felt when my father died, except my WS continues to live and breathe.

I'm trying not to call him, knowing that he has to eventually call me about his condo furniture and clothes. I still can't help but wonder what is going on with that. You know, I'm fantasizing that he is thinking about changing his mind.

I'm going to go bag up some more of his clothes.

Let's keep in touch.

Hi Mimi.

A better day today for me - I hope for you too. Yes, stay away from any romance movies. They're killer. I can't stand to listen to most of the songs on the radio either. One of the times that my WH came home and we would be in the car together and a song would come on and he would have a very strong reaction to it. One in particular goes..."she broke my heart, my grace is gone, one more drink and I'll move on" He was thinking about OW...in some ways having him gone is so much easier. I don't have to deal with the constant pain and humilation of living with someone who is longing for another person. I will never do that again. If he is to ever come back it will be after he has dealt with the ending of the relationship with OW. Living with him when he was longing for OW made me feel like total hell. Much worse than living alone with the kids. I've gained some sense of self during this modified plan-B - something that had been kicked to the curb once the A started.

You know, you're one of the few MBers that I've seen that has an obession with the OW and spying issues that even come close to mine. Everyone else always seems so sensible (i.e. "don't waste your time thinking about them, etc.") I am hugely curious, but have felt better after returning the apartment key and stopped spying. Here's the thing...both of our WH's haven't behaved in totally typical fashion. Both have indicated (in words - not action) that they still want us, love us, this is a temporary thing, etc. My WH is practically living with OW and will deny to me that they have a relationship. I think that my spying was a way for me to constantly confirm what my WH was denying.

My WH's OW is attractive, a few years younger than me, very thin (but hey, I just had a baby), BUT she also has depression issues, takes sleeping pills, is very needy, etc. I think it's the neediness factor that sucks men in. But can relationships survive like this? I think my WH feels very manly with her - he's calling the shots.

Didn't mean to get off on a tangent. I hope you're doing better. Keep up the Plan B. I've felt much better since I've started (my modified version). I too have gone through the --- Maybe today he's missing me and will realize what a mistake he's made. It's probably going to happen when you least expect it and maybe don't want it anymore.

Write and let me know how you're doing. Don't call about the furniture etc. In a moment of anger last week I called my WH and said "while I'm gone I'd like to clean your things out of the garage and leave me your garage door opener. He agreed and did it. Now the garage looks lonely and sad without his tools that are now housed at OW's. Wish I hadn't done it.

Help! I goofed. It was an unsuccessful PLAN B attempt. Last night was unbearable. I just had to talk to my WS today. I was so depressed and did not see how I was going to make it.

He responded positively to my call and came quickly over. Yes, you know what- with protection. SF is one of the needs I do well with-has never been a problem. He said as expected, just like before. He wants to work on getting back together if I continue to change. He missed me over the weekend. He now knows he cares, couldn't get me out of his mind although he tried. We talked sincerely for hours.

Do I continue with PLAN B? Do I do some sort of PLAN A? He definitely is conflicted. He is mainly is afraid that there is no future with me, that my changes will not last. How do I show him if I only do PLAN B? He definitely knows he misses me with no contact. However, he will only remember the negative aspects of our relationship and get settled in the condo. He is perfectly willing to continue contact as before. The difference now is that I am protected legally and he is complying with that.

Opinions?

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I've decided to continue to focus on my personal recovery, MY PLAN. It does seem to be working at least for me.

The problem is my continued LONGING for my wayward spouse. I am definitely grieving just like when my father died. The feelings and bodily sensations are exactly the same. The problem is that my WS is still alive and when I call him he comes to me, well physically. I don't really have his HEART. My problem as compared to some others here is that I have been with him 30 years and my personal identity is so linked up with his. I need to get a sense of who I am.

HELP!!!!

Mimi,

I come to your posts a little late. As you stated on Marathonman's thread, you have read my situation. From everything I have read here, it sounds as if your husband is being affected by Plan B very well. Okay, you slipped up and had SF! Probably was good for both of you!

In the big picture, it probably wont hurt. It will continue him longing for you. Stay in Plan B until he meets the conditions of your Plan B NC. You know he is still interested by his response and him coming over. Now, let him stew in that. If my hunches are right, he is missing you as much as you miss him. The "pain" is increasing for him. But, he has to get to the point where he knows that it is he who keeps himself in that pain...and there is a way out.

So, as JustLearning always tells me...steady as she goes.

In His arms.

Mortarman:
Thanks for your response. I'm looking forward to your topic regarding the religious aspects of coping with this experience.

Everyone:
What do you think I should do about my WS' condo furniture and clothes that are still at the house. He came on Tuesday with a friend who has a truck but only got a few pieces of furniture. Nothing major. Only two chairs. I guess so they'll have somewhere to sit.

Then he calls last night, leaving Voice Message, I'm not answering, stating "I'm too tired to move anything tonight", meaning that he is entertaining the OW. You see, I don't want to be connected or involved in their activities anymore.

However, it evidently "pained" him to move the furniture. Called back crying in the car saying "I'm sorry".

Also he's working on getting a car for my teenage son and that is dragging on and on. He has stated that he wants to take the separation process slow. I've had my son to deal with him about the car. However, this whole scenario reminds me that we are not his priority and he has basically abandoned us. I've never purchased a car on my own !!

Cut these apron strings or keep some dangling? It seems like a real balancing act.

Called to say, "not moving again tonight".

I called him back to say that "I don't like this continued contact. It hurts me too much to continue to talk to you while you are with her." He says; "I've got to be through with her"; I've got to see this through". Does that mean he's waiting for her to break up with him? I said, unfortunately, "I hope I'm still here". He sounded bothered by this statement. Maybe angry. I don't know. He says that he will be moved out by "this weekend". Well, tomorrow is Friday.

Another thing:
Do any of you do obsessive checking to find out where they are and if they are together? I'm talking about my drivebys. I realize that this is the only behavior that relieves my despair. It's obsessive-compulsive and I can't stop myself. I'm wanting to drive by her house right now which is why I'm writing this post.

If any of you have this problem, let me know your solutions. I want to stop this.

Wow mimi, you have been thru so much in the last year!! I can understand the drive-by's, I can be fairly obsessive myself sometimes. Don't beat yourself up for doing very human things. You are being pushed to your very limit right now.

Your H is afraid you will go back to your old self and is also probably afraid you will hold resentment for the A. More than likely he finds the OW to be a self esteem boost. Don't be so sure that won't wear off in time. I know you are afraid he may to like it too much. If that is the case there is nothing you can do to stop it from happening. All you will do is make yourself miserable in the process.

If you think about it the OW must be getting tired of him going back and forth too. She also must live in constant fear of him going back, and probably sweats him on it quiet frequently. The more she love busts, the better for you.

I hope you can pull together the strength to not drive by!!!

I reread the replies to my topic and realized that I have not been listening well or following directions.

I'm onward with my PLAN B although the weekends are tough.

I can't help but wonder what they are doing. I thought the A would not be up in my face during PLAN B. It seems to me that my obsessiveness is getting worse but I going to try to fight it.

I'm telling myself that they are really getting to know each other now so I need to leave them alone. I'm also telling myself that I don't want someone that wants such a piece of trash.

However, I thought that PLAN B was supposed to maintain my love for him. The more I stay away, I'm angrier at him and resent him more. Some confusion here on whether this is the right approach for me right now.

Help!!

Mimi,

Well, things seem to be going right on schedule for you. Personally, unless something major changes things, I really think you are at the beginning of the end. Your WH is becoming VERY uncomfortable sitting on that picket fence with his cake. He has the OW pullinh on him to come her way, and now he looks on your side of the fence and sees...you pulling away. He is not comfortable, nor happy. Let me take on your last post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I reread the replies to my topic and realized that I have not been listening well or following directions.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, you wouldnt be the first betrayed spouse to do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ... I know I continued to bang my head on the wall until I got it (I STILL have my moments!).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm onward with my PLAN B although the weekends are tough.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Find more stuff to do on the weekends. Fill you schedule right now That way, even when he first tries to cross the gap, he will see you have a life...making him even more uncomfortable. Added to this, you will be much more happy, because you wont be concentrating on this crap

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't help but wonder what they are doing. I thought the A would not be up in my face during PLAN B. It seems to me that my obsessiveness is getting worse but I going to try to fight it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what? Go ahead and feed the drive by. I found it very soothing in Plan B. when I didnt find him at her apartment, I was relieved and could sleep better. When I did, it helped me harness my anger to get doubly behind my Plan B. So, dont get caught...and try not to spen all your time tailing them. But a little driveby every so often, I found, actually helped my sanity during Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm telling myself that they are really getting to know each other now so I need to leave them alone. I'm also telling myself that I don't want someone that wants such a piece of trash.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All true. Just let them have each other now. To get what they thought they wanted. But in reality, they will get what they DESERVED! And your WH will wake up saying exactly what mine did one month into Plan B..."What am I doing?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, I thought that PLAN B was supposed to maintain my love for him. The more I stay away, I'm angrier at him and resent him more. Some confusion here on whether this is the right approach for me right now. Help!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh yeah...Plan B is for you. Look, I thought my love was leaving also, and was very surprised that I had any at all, and how fast it came back, when my wife first approached me about reconciliation. I think the "saving" of love for your husband also has to do with locking that love away and protecting you from it Right now, that love causes you pain. In Plan B, your mind locks that love away behind boundaries you now set-up. It isnt gone...but it is gone from your everyday thoughts and actions. Now, the longer Plan B goes on, the more likely that emotionally, those boundaries keep getting thicker until you will nolonger be able to get back that love...and then you will be ready for divorce. But until then, it allows you to begin to get your life together. Life ready for your husband's return (you see, the aliens are probably going to let him go soon, and you want the house and kids, and his wife ready for his return). Or life ready for post-divorce, where you are ready to offer yourself, and someone else, the best possible Mimi.

I dont think you need help here Mimi, except some encouragement. So, here it is. Read all of my threads. Watch how it progressed. In hindsight, I can see the conflict and the success of Plan B. I see it happening with your WH. Try to enjoy this time...because you may never be alone again. enjoy watching your husband flop like a fish out of water, as he "pays" for his fantasy. And it wont be vengeance on your part. Just him getting his just rewards for his actions.

As that happens, he'll show you he is serious about getting his life back. Then, if that love is still not too far gone, you will be able to lead him the rest of the way home.

In His arms.

Mortarman:

Thanks for helping me stay strong. Just had to talk to him on the phone a few minutes ago about some financial matters. He sounded sad and I felt sorry for him about what I had to do, that is, to stop the direct deposit of my check into the joint account we had. It killed me to tell him. I told him that "this was his choice; I do not want any of my money to be used on her". I was waiting as usual for him to say, OK, I've changed my mind then. He just says "I UNDERSTAND". That's his favorite phrase now in response to my boundary setting. He talks so sweetly to me now, sounding like himself. I'm trying not to get sucked in !!!!

I am so THANKFUL to know that I am not the only person that has done drivebys. I've been thinking that I am crazy. You're right. I have to make sure that I am slick about it.

Leaning on His Everlasting Arms
Safe and Secure from ALL Alarms
---one of my favorite hymns

Mimi,

Have you done a background check on the OW? If she has a questionable background, it may be a guage as to how much protective action you need to take BEFORE something happens.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid:

I did do a background check and found nothing. However, she is a piece of work. She's been married twice although she's only 33. Last boyfriend was one she visited in jail.

What do you think that might happen that I need to be concerned about?

Hi Mimi. I hope you have some things planned for the weekend. I agree weekends are tough. I'll log in to see if you're around. With regard to your direct deposit and his reponding "I understand," my WH does the same thing. I kept shutting him out in a number of ways (refinancing the house, getting a separation argreement, etc.) and I kept hoping it would shake him up and he would realize that I was serious. Instead, he would look and act very sad and would say "I understand." If they (WHs) are so daggone sad about the whole thing why don't they stop it? I think maybe they're just sad that they can't have both anymore.

Keep up the good Plan B -- in the last couple of weeks my WH has asked "would you even want me back?" and sent me flowers to work on our anniversary and for mother's day. He went to our former marriage counselor for counseling but she won't take him for a client because she sees me from time-to-time. He's clearly uncomfortable - but I'm going to keep him out there with OW. I let him back before (he's not really asking to come back) and it didn't work out.

The whole point to this is --- keep up your Plan B. It's better for you - you won't have to be involved with who he's seeing when and with what furniture. And you might start seeing some results...

DIJ

After all this time, I still can't believe that he is more interested in being with her than me. I just can't believe it!

Mimi,

I posted to you on my "To Cerri" thread.

Keep your spirit strong, gal. Start reaching out to others to support them. It has really helped me get some of the focus off my own pain. Makes me feel like I am making a contribution and reaching out with love. Helps to be giving, like I was when my H is home. We all need to be able to nurture.

I too will look for you this weekend. Like you, no big plans. Too many people going out of town!

ISG

WH is calling me to assist in buying son's car. I'm trying to keep the conversation focused on that. Of course the cake-eater is wanting more. I'm trying not to get caught up based on the contact. For instance, he says, "keep your cell on , I'll call you midday". That is supposed to be to see how my son likes the different cars. However, that sounds like he wants to sneak in the call so that she doesn't know about it. I'm in his world again.

Still no mention of the furniture. I'm just going to let that go for now.

Hope everyone out there is fine. Keep checking in if and when you can.

Mimi, you said H came over with protection and SF.
I dont' know if others will agree with me,but no SF while he's with OW!
If he can have both, why should he give one up?
Be nice, be civil, but tell him you just can't share this intimacy with another woman!
That since he has her he can get it all there.
I just dont' agree with allowing the UH to have sex with you anytime he wishes. Cut him off for sure!
You know, absence does make the heart grow fonder. And when he's no longer able to just waltz in and have SF with you, he might start to tire of OW!
Tell him it's his when he gives up OW and only then. If not, then you are no available since he's not monogamous!
You're agreement in marriage vows was to keep thee only unto you!
LouLou