You're right, LouLou!

The SF was a big mistake, done in a weak moment.

I don't plan to do it again. At least, we have great memories of the last time.

I'm real sad today as usual on the weekends. It's hard having to buy this car for my son on my own and I've never bought a car before. I should think of this as a learning experience. I should not have been as dependent as I am on my WS.

That's why I wonder about PLAN B. This makes me more pissed off at him.

Hi mimi
If you are still here we can chat @

http://www.san-andreas.com/mbladies/chat.php

Waiting for u

He calls this evening to find out "the status" of the car after I had spent all day working on the deal while he's been out playing.

I blast him, stating that I am clearly not his first priority. "I understand", he says. That's very clear to me, I am right, I say. He says, "I guess". I am getting so pissed at him.

Then he BEGS me to allow him to come by tomorrow to pick up his mail. I give in. Why does he need or want to come by? I need to put my foot down don't I and stop this contact. I can't seem to do it. It does feel good to talk to him but I am still getting the crumbs.

<small>[ May 24, 2003, 06:07 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

You poor thing! You have got to initiate Plan B. Look what you are doing to yourself! You say it feels good to see him, to talk to him, but you're creating agony each time you do it.

Please protect yourself from this constant hurt. Do a great, loving Plan B letter and give it to him when he comes by to get the mail. Accept no calls from him until he is ready to discuss reconciliation.

You have to do this for you! Just read over your thread and see the pain you are experiencing.

The time that I have been on Plan B has been painful, but it is more like a dull ache, compared to the searing pain of living with my H and waiting for the crumbs, waiting to feel loved, needed, appreciated, etc.

We're all here for you, to support you.

{{{{Mimi}}}}}}

IMHO, if he calls to ask about the car.... simple straight answer: I already took care of it.

Hurts some men's ego big time to know their wife has takes care of a 'manly' purchase like buying a car. If that is true in your case, use this to your advantage.

Is this an LB? Not if you are in plan B or headed that way.

IMHO,
L.

IS:

I'm not sure how to get the emotional strength to do a rigid PLAN B. I've really been trying!!! My despair over not seeing and/or talking to my WS becomes unbearable. That's when I do my drivebys. I controlled myself from going by his condo today.

However,I have been different with him. He has noticed. No begging or pleading. TRYING TO establish boundaries. For example, today I turned my cell off so he could not reach me. Also I went ahead and bought the car without checking with him like he really wanted me to. He couldn't believe that I got the car in my name. I have never purchased a car on my own ever in my life. I am proud of myself. He asked to speak to the business manager of the dealership (his friend), he was able to find me there by calling on my son's cellphone. The manager told him about my excellent credit ratiing, etc.

I certainly will not do the dating or the SF again with him although I am having big-time fantasies.

I'm going to stay on MB so you guys can keep me on track. Last time I backed off and got into his world.

I'm in trouble! You see, I'm honestly happy at the thought of seeing him tomorrow. It's been almost two weeks since we've seen each other face to face.

I'm working towards the PLAN B. When I really do it, I don't want to back down.I know that PLAN B is the best course for me because my WS definitely wants us both. Now it's her turn. She's trying to watch him like a hawk, afraid he'll slip off from her again. He was with me for 3 weeks last time. This is sick. I'm not planning to take him back for him to leave me again. That's for sure. He will have to work hard at any reconciliation and have definite plans of how NC forever would be maintained.

<small>[ May 24, 2003, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Orchid:

By the way, admiration, pumping up EGO ,is the major need OW meets and I don't. He's testing this, I know. So what was the best thing to do. I'm still caught in my PLAN A.

It's the low self-esteem. It's so illogical. Being in an A, unable to assume responsibility for directly assisting in buying a car for your son, lowers one's self-esteem.

<small>[ May 24, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi -

I agree the others - get into Plan B as soon as possible --- it helps with the agony. I'm an example of what happens when you slip out of Plan B. Too much contact with WH last week -- angry discussion about the children's weekend schedules -- I took the flowers that he sent me for our anniversary and smashed them on OW's front porch including glass vase and the note that said "Love, WH". I had moment of satisfaction but have taken many steps back in doing this. Get into Plan B and try to just focus on you, you, you. I know it's hard.

DIJ

Mimi, sorry, but having two women meet his needs and pumping his ego should be finished!
HE should already know what you can do. Flat out telling him you are not in the mood to meet his needs as long as he's getting it elsewhere is a start.
And flat out ask why he's saying he wants to break with OW but can't? Is she by chance pregnant?
I think cutting your presence entirely out of his life will go a lot further than groveling.
Men usually want what they can't have. You've been too available and enabling him to have it all his way for too long.
Stop the enabling. I know it's hard to do, but necessary.
I'd be civil, but appear to be enjoying my life immensly without him. No appearances of mourning for him or gleeful to see him.
Let him think your happiness is not dependent on his presence!
LEN

AND P.S. The mail runs both ways. Tell him you're going to mail all his mail to him so NC.
Where would he like it sent? Done.
LEN

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!

Mimi, you have to get tough. This is the only way anything good will come of this - whether it is a new beginning for your relationship with your WH or a new life for you.

The first few days will be miserable, perhaps the first several weeks. I admit I still am waiting, day by day, for my WH to get in touch with me and say he is "ready." But meanwhile, you will find that life goes on. Go shopping, rent some movies he would hate to watch. Pamper yourself with bubble baths and candles.

One of the most important things I read on this forum recently: above all, enjoy the time by yourself. If your marriage works, you will never have that opportunity again - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Remember, you are not alone. Thank God for this board. When your best friend isn't available to confide in, or better still, when your best friend can't give you advice because she (luckily) isn't in your shoes, remember, we are here!

Now take a deep breath, write the letter and tell him you'll forward his mail!

LouLou, how right you are!!

OK OK I'm getting ready to write another PLAN B letter based on current events.

Also, do I write a note to her as I've noticed some others have done.

However, I have a couple of questions:

Is this what I should do even though my feelings for him have not really changed yet? I know I'm in danger of this occurring.

What about him not getting the condo furniture? Is something going on with them that I need to consider before delivering the letter?

How do I know that I'm finished perfecting my PLAN A? There are a couple of important changes that I have not been successful in making. Of course, the ADMIRATION problem is one.

I'm still on the fence.

I went to church today and got a lot of support from my church family. It was a coming out for me as I had isolated myself and now am basking in the love I received there.

Hope some of you will respond soon.

Thanks.

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Do you have a prayer partner at church? Someone you can contact before you do anything dumb, like, drive-by? Like a sponsor?

Mr. Pepper is in AA. His sponsor is ready, willing, and able to "be there" for him ... in his hour of need.

You need a sponsor Mimi.

"I'm still on the fence." .... about what?

Pep

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

On the fence about delivering this PLAN B letter tonight. However, I'm busy writing it.

Do I send a note to her?

"Do I send a note to her?" .... depends .... got any Anthrax?

JUST KIDDING

Mimi, will the note say something like this....

"Miss,

I will no longer be a part of a love triangle. perhaps you don't mind WS spending time in both our beds, but I do."

Mimi, I'm not suggesting you send what i wrote, but, are you going to let her know he's been 2-timing her?

Pep

Pepper:

Do you think I should tell her? Some others on here suggested that I not tell her. I know that she hates the idea that I won't go away. In her previous conquests, she has driven the wife away.

Mimi,

Are you going to post your letter here for the experts to take a look at (I don't consider myself one, but I have read their input elsewhere and it was real helpful)?

I did not write to the OW. In Surviving An Affair, one of the cases they report on did have the BS sending a copy of the Plan B letter to the OM. The BH added a note at the bottom of the copy to the OM:

I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

So it is your call, but if you do send one to her, remember your H will probably see it 'cause she will share it with him. Avoid any nasty comments or judgements or anything that will reflect poorly on you. Hold your head high, sound like the loving wife that you are, and do nothing that would make your H feel he's better off with her.

Good luck!

And by the way, you will make it through this, hard as it seems.

I know, because today, you see, is my anniversary and I was hoping beyond hope that this date would make my WH decide he was ready to come back and work on the M, but no contact from him at all.

It has been a real rough day, but I tried to entertain myself and do nice things for me. Yes, I got teary a couple of times - including now, while I write this - but I keep saying, "God, if he isn't ready yet, please don't send him back to me." So I guess I have my answer.

Keep the Faith!

Mimi,

If you search Spacecase's posts, you will see a thread with some good Plan B letters. The important thing is to say you are cutting off contact and MEAN it. The worst thing you can do is deliver the letter and then not follow through.I think it's vitally important right now that he understand you are probably not going to sit by the phone and wait for him, but are going on with your life. Good luck and keep us posted!

I wrote the letter. I think it will suffice. I don't think the finesse of the writing will much matter as long as I stick to my guns. He'll get the message. I said what I needed to say.

Once I make up my mind about something, there's no turning back. He knows that. Did that with cigarette smoking 10 years ago and my weight loss. He knows I'm like that. Once he tests me and gets the message, he will know I'm serious.

I think getting the support of all the church members was the turning point. I am realizing how disrespectful to me he has been and how crazy his alien world is. We'll see what happens.