Mimi

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You go, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good for you. You found your strength. I knew you would.

I understand. I did the same thing with cigarettes in the '80's.

Congratulations and remember to keep your spirit strong and remember that everyone is here for you. Feeling weak? Post here and let us give you strength!

Good girl, Mimi!

Respect is the centerpiece to real marriage recovery. Without that .... you'll have emotional chaos.

Say what you mean, and don't make yourself into a liar by backing down.

Pep

Go Mimi!

I know how hard it is to stay away from the one you most want to be with!

Hugs and Hope, Honey

Hi to You ALL:

I am not backing down! I've decided that this crap can't continue.

Thanks for your continued support.

Keep checking in on me. I might be calling URGENT HELP NEEDED! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks

Mimi,

We will be here for you. Don't worry.

Hugs to you. I know how you feel today. Expect highs and lows...anger, loneliness, sadness, you name it.

Been there. It will get better.

The absolute worse so far was seeing couples together at Super Walmart yesterday. I had to shop but hated it, felt weepy the entire time. However, I did buy some flowers and potted them in a pretty container to go in my driveway. I also lighted candles throughout my house. That's always been one of my things. Domestic Tranquility is one of the ENs I know that WS is missing. I decided to return to "Living a Beautiful Life".

I also got up with a couple of more friends, calling in the troops. Plan to go out to dinner with one of them on Thursday. I had really been isolating myself. Even though he is still hiding out with the OW, I've decided to come out of the closet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Nothing for me to be ashamed about.

No response from WS to the PLAN B letter although he has to figure out a way to get his condo furniture without talking to me. That's his problem. I like the furniture.

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

I love what you are doing. You now see the end in sight. Of course, you are not quite sure what that end is going to look like. It was my church family, as well as getting my second wind, that helped push me into a position of strength. Once that happened, my wife also began to understand that I was serious.

It was at that point this last December, that I went straight to Plan B. I was ready. I think your WH is about to feel like his life is passing him by. Be ready. If I were to make a bet, I would say your husband may be closer than we all think to showing up, ready for reconciliation.

Stick to your guns. Trust God.

In His arms.

Hi Mimi,

WOW! Do I understand what you are going thru! But good for you. Yes, we seem to focus on the "happy couples" but remember, that is our perception. We have no idea what their lives are really like, do we?

Good for you with the candles. It is one of my "things" too. Sunday was my wedding anniversary - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> - but I decided to treat myself right...candles throughout the house, a glass of wine, bubble bath, wonderful smelling lotion afterward, soft music. My time. It was still a lonely day, but pampering myself felt good - really good.

Glad you are moving forward with friends. I did the same thing, and it really helped. Not all will be equally supportive, but remember this board. We are the only ones who truly (sadly) understand.

Take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>The absolute worse so far was seeing couples together at Super Walmart yesterday. .</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't it funny how you suddenly notice little things like for the first time? I used to NEVER go anywhere with my last H and when he left all of a sudden I was surprised to notice all the couples out and about! What a strange phenomenom it was!

Anyway, I think its great that you are trying to occupy your mind. Are you still working out? I think that was my GREATEST escape. I bought the toughest video tapes I could find and equipped my computer room with dumbbells and barbells and lost myself in workouts every night. It was a blissful escape where I didn't have to think for an hour.

I have felt good all day today. The biggest bummer was learning that he may have cancelled the gym membership for BOTH OF US without telling me That was a mean thing to do if he did. For some reason, I didn't get very upset. I just calmly told them to re-open the membership. Remember that's what we always used to do together. I'm still working out every day though although that time brings back memories of our time together.

Logistics question:

WS has closed off all communications today -turned his voicemail off so that I can't leave him a message. Reminds me of before D-Day when he would be AWOL. There are some financial matters I need to settle with him and need to tell him about some events regarding our son.

I wonder if this is a test to see if I will make great efforts to talk to him? There has been absolutely no response to the PLAN B letter except that. In the letter, I asked to communicate via the voicemail. It could have something to do with OW too. She is really controlling and paranoid about his voicemail messages. I really need to settle these matters with him ASAP. Should I E-Mail him? If I do, should I mention my concern about him shutting off his voicemail or should I just discuss the information.

Whew! It's always something.

I forgot to tell you guys this. Along with the condo furniture, 90% of my WS' clothes are still here. His drawers and closet are full. Did he buy a whole new wardrobe? What is it with him?

<small>[ May 27, 2003, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

It's a test and possibly retaliation. If you can put off contacting him re these matters, do so. Let him be the one to crack.

Otherwise e-mail him and only mention the matters you need to discuss. Don't mention the voice mail. However best would be not to contact him. Can you let it go a week before discussing these issues?

Should I E-Mail him? If I do, should I mention my concern about him shutting off his voicemail or should I just discuss the information.
???

What’s wrong with this picture?

You send a letter saying you want no contact. He doesn’t contact you and you want to contact him to see why he isn’t contacting you.

Chris:

Even though I said No Contact, we have to communicate. We have a son together who has an awards ceremony on Monday and needs a ride to a college camp. Also there are important financial matters that have to be completed. I need some money to pay some bills. I will E-Mail.

Thanks Espoir. Why retaliation? He's the one that made this choice.

I realize what is going on. Any suggestions?

WS is realizing how much he depended on me to manage our finances and business matters. I wrote all the checks during our marriage.

He is putting off/avoiding/resisting taking care of these matters on his own. He wants to continue to rely on me although he chose to separate. If I don't take care of things, though, important things won't be done. For example, car payments are through online banking which I set up on our joint checking account. He asked could the online banking continue for his car payment, he says, "Until I decide what I'm going to do". I did not want to have a lot of discussion with him about what this meant. Just wanted to focus on specific issues rather than his general avoidance of actually doing a financial separation. He has not gotten a separate checking account.

He did immediately respond to my E-Mail, answering each item.

OW can't fulfill this need. He just wants her for PLAY. He still is trying to get me to do the WORK of marriage. These things need to be done but I can't make him step up to the plate or can I? It's like I'm still managing everything , including getting my son to camp.

I'm confused.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

From your 3rd post on this topic.

My concern about PLAN B is not being able to stick with it.
Exactly what I see happening.

Don't find/make excuses to have contact. When there is contact, KEEP IT TO THE SHORT & TO THE POINT!

These things need to be done but I can't make him step up to the plate or can I? It's like I'm still managing everything , including getting my son to camp.
He will let you do it as long as you continue to do it.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 10:21 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

It's hard to stop doing something that you've done for most of your life. That's what sucks about all of this. I don't know the answer. I'm trying!!!!!

I have made the conversations short and abrupt. However, I'm real anxious about my finances. I'm scared that he will let things go. He'll probably manage things better than I think he will. Yes, a codependent, enabler. I'm working on it.

I'm mad at myself that I did not have all these loose ends tied up before moving to PLAN B.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

That is why they stress to know the REAL CONCEPTS of Plan B before going into it. It is not a tool to be used when you are upset, thinking well "PLAN B WILL SHOW HIM THAT I MEAN BUSINESS"!
Plan B is hard, but if you were not ready or aware of some the responsibilities that you would have to figure out for yourself without your WS's help or If you were not aware that your WS would react in some way (by cutting off vm) then maybe you are not ready to do a real Plan B and you should rethink it.
There is no room for fear when it comes to a TRUE PLAN B. You either do it or you don't. The WS will never take anything you say seriously again that is why PLAN must be adherred to.

It's hard to stop doing something that you've done for most of your life. That's what sucks about all of this. I don't know the answer. I'm trying!!!!!
Keep on trying and then do it! If you have contact, stop & think what it was about and consider if it was really necessary.

However, I'm real anxious about my finances. I'm scared that he will let things go.
Assume he will. Time to get a job & start your own finances. Keep a log of all the bills you pay with what money (yours/his/both.)

I'm mad at myself that I did not have all these loose ends tied up before moving to PLAN B.
So now you are here (Plan B) it's time to tie up them loose ends (no, not around his neck either <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 12:24 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Mimi,

Let's look at the other side of this. It might be GOOD that you have these loose ends to tie up. Why do I say this? Let's look at this.

You are in Plan B now. He may think you are not serious, but may wonder what you are up to. look at my post with ALost Soul today. I think that Plan B is for getting you ready for either your husband's return or a new life without him. So...start getting on with your life. Start tying up the loose ends. do it on your own. Dont tell him...just do it. Start a new account at a new bank. Move your electronic payments to the new account. Anything that is his, begin to shut that down. tell him before hand in an email or letter. "H, I have made the car payment on your car this month. That account is now being closed. You will need to find other arrangements for next month for payment of your car. Mimi."

Begin to start separating things Now, what will this do? several things actually. As you know, this is not a game. But there are rules. You are in Plan B and finally getting on with your life. If your husband is never going to return, it is time you start getting things ready for your new life. If he is, it is time you stop enabling him. I started doing this to my wife when I got in Plan B. I shut off the car insurance on our cars, and got new insurance just on my car. She was forced to go get her own insurance.

Now, besides the pain of having to do all ofthis to them, what else will be done here? They will begin to see that you are moving on with your life. You are serious about NC. You are serious about moving forward. This will force them off the fence. If he still loves you, he will begin to panic that he is losing you. He wont hear from you because you are in Plan B. He will only see your actions. And they will be slowly turning out the lights on the marriage. If it is still in him, he will come looking for you before it is too late.

So, I see these loose ends as good. Take your time. Begin to shut things down a little every week. As each tie is broken, you will begin to feel stronger. If he comes back, you will feel more in control of yourself in the reconciliation. If he doesnt, then Plan B will lead you to the eventuality of no love for him...and then you can begin your new life.

I still bet that your hubby will be like my wife. When Plan B is fully NC, and he sees you beginning to turn out the lights, I believe it will cause the fog to begin to dissipate. tne we will see what kind of man he is.

In His arms.