Something about this thread is bothering me and making me want to stop PLAN B. I know it is what I need to do. However, the finality of it all is scary. It seems too real now.

I think I'm getting in touch with my dependency and weakness. I feel that this is a real personality flaw of mine. I remain emotionally connected to him despite his emotional abuse. You see, you guys keep telling me that I HAVE to do stuff and I'm not sure that I can. I haven't backed down now but I'm losing confidence because you make it seem easier than it really is for me. Maybe PLAN B is not for me. However, I would like to do it and know that I need to do it. I'm SCARED!!!!

I feel inadequate. I need my husband. I am alone. I do not have him anymore. That makes me real sad.

HELP!!!!!

Oh my God Mimi, I've just started following your thread and I'm exactly where you are on going to Plan B.
I'm just to scared to take that next step. But I know I can't living like this. It's like if I give up the "conflict" I won't have "anything" left.
But that' crazy, I deserve more too.
Maybe sometime my WH will return to the H I remembered and loved. But for now it's clear that it is just much too painful to keep dealing with this person.
We need to find the strenght to go on, without them for now...
I see my WH as a man with little courage right now, I need to find that courage too, to do what I need to do.
I'll be thinking of you.

Ok Mimi, ask yourself this. What exactly did you have before you went into Plan B? A spouse who slept with you and OW, made no commitment to you, risked your life (unless you used protection during sex). Not including how awful you felt always having to look over your shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop for more pain. I think this is what you need to ask yourself: What did you gain that was so great by continuing the way you had been before Plan B?

I need my husband.
Why?

quote: You see, you guys keep telling me that I HAVE to do stuff and I'm not sure that I can. I haven't backed down now but I'm losing confidence because you make it seem easier than it really is for me. Maybe PLAN B is not for me. However, I would like to do it and know that I need to do it. I'm SCARED!!!!

Just remember that you do not HAVE to do anything that I say or anyone else says. It is your choice.

I have been studying this issue of how to get a person back for over 20 years. What I have learned is that they usually do not come back when we pursue them and keep telling them we love them. When we keep "hanging" in there and hoping and praying they will somehow suddenly come to their senses. I very seldom see that happen.

Now, what I have seen work the best to get them to come around is this:

Do not pursue in ANY way. None. Nada.
When you do talk to them, act like everything is just perfectly fine in your life. Do not ask any questions about the relationship or getting back together or ANYTHING slightly hinting that you would take them back.(small talk is ok, but always hang up first.Tell them nice talking to you, but I have to go.)

Do not reveal every thought that comes to your mind. Be mysterious.

It is ok to call them if you have some business to take care of. Do small talk for a few minutes, get to the matter at hand, then politely end the call FIRST. (Don't think of excuses to call everyday)

Do not be so available when they call.Wait awhile to return calls. When you return it, do small talk, get to the matter at hand, then hang up FIRST.

When THEY bring up the relationship, agree with their view of things.(for example; yes, maybe this separation is good, or yes maybe WE do need some time apart.When you agree with them, they suddenly want to change their view of things. It really works to get them back.

You do not need a plan B letter or a plan B to do all of this Mimi. This also gives you the freedom to call, to have contact, and to get them to do the same thing plan b does. Harley has some great ideas, but plan B puts the BS in a tight spot if they start to feel like you are feeling.

The final thing is this. When you show him you can and will move on with or without him, and stop ALL pursuit and allow him to WONDER if he has lost you, is when he will start to slowly test you to see if you will still take him back.
DO NOT VEER off of your course. You have to be consistent with this day in and day out.

Be strong. It IS the way to get him back. It is ok to have insecure feelings. Just do not let him see, sense, or think that you want him back.

This is what I have concluded that works by far the best to get a person back. Strength. Confidence. Acting perfectly happy just the way things are in your life. No pressure or pursuit.

Let them wonder if you have met someone and are suddenly interested in another person.( I call it the phantom OP) Why? Because jealousy is very, very powerful and if they love you even the slightest, this causes them to re-think things.
They even do drive by's(ever do that yourself?)
Do not underestimate the power of jealousy. In my study, I have been very surprised by how many times I have seen this work. When they think they have some competition, it turns into a whole new ballgame....

If you do these things, you will probably get him back. If not, it will most likely slowly die.

Men RESPOND to a strong woman who will not share him. They respond to a woman who walks away with her dignity and shows self respect. They respond when you show them that you would rather be alone than to let him have his cake and eat it.

Let him see you moving on. Let him see that you are enjoying your freedom. That you enjoy learning how to take care of yourself. No matter what others tell you, this is your best shot to get him back.

Mimi,

Please calm yourself down and don't react to these emotions. You are just fine. You are a capable, thinking, independent woman who doesn't have to panic. You have not lost your husband. Plan B is NOT the forfeiture of your marriage, it is a PROTECTIVE STEP in a long process that will hopefully change the status of the relationship. This is all part of a PROCESS. Plan A was part of a PROCESS.

It makes no sense to continue contact at this point because it enables your DH to CAKEWALK. As long as he is allowed to cakewalk, he won't be motivated to move forward. And as long as you have executed a good plan A, which you have, Plan B can be very effective in 2 ways: protecting your feelings towards him and motivating him towards the marriage.

You are just fine as long as you stick with the PROCESS and don't respond to this panic. You are just fine, Mimi.

Originally posted by mimi1254:
Something about this thread is bothering me and making me want to stop PLAN B. I know it is what I need to do. However, the finality of it all is scary. It seems too real now.

I think I'm getting in touch with my dependency and weakness. I feel that this is a real personality flaw of mine. I remain emotionally connected to him despite his emotional abuse. You see, you guys keep telling me that I HAVE to do stuff and I'm not sure that I can. I haven't backed down now but I'm losing confidence because you make it seem easier than it really is for me. Maybe PLAN B is not for me. However, I would like to do it and know that I need to do it. I'm SCARED!!!!

Orchid: You are afraid of the unknown. Should you be? Well yes and no. Why? Because since you have never done this before, it should scare you a bit but on the other hand, read about the relief plan B gives the BS. Know that an LB statement or action in plan a is NOT an LB in plan B. Know that you will have a great weight taken off your shoulders. More than you realize. ....there is more.

I feel inadequate.

Orchid: But U R NOT inadequate. Refocus. You are just going to have to trust us and others who know you on this point....at least for now. Until you get your balance back.

I need my husband. I am alone. I do not have him anymore. That makes me real sad.

Orchid: U do need your H but you have been alone longer than you realize. Just because he was home physically, his character has been flawed and he has emotionally been gone for a while. U have been sad for a long time also.

Realize this, what you are feeling is hard, yes it is but it is temporary. I am not saying you will get over him in a day or 2, but you will be able to move forward in your progress. This feeling of abandonment will subside. Watch out for your anger..... it is right around the corner.

take care,
L.

<small>[ May 28, 2003, 08:38 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

THANKS so much to ALL of you who responded so brilliantly to my PANIC yesterday. That was some bridge that I had to cross. Today I am a new person, renewed in my decision to enjoy my freedom and not be caught again in my WS'web.

I figured out what happened. The problem was talking to him. Not only that. There was something in his voice. He has this little boy part of him that reaches out to me to take care of him. It was going on with him yesterday now that I piece it all together. He must have been in a fight or something with the OW. He ended up calling me ,leaving a cellphone message, last night at 8:00PM. Interesting time for him to be able to call. He sounded confused about how to proceed in his call. He actually had no real good reason to call me, asking me to cancel a hotel reservation that we had made for July and gabbing about other nonconsequential matters. I did not jump at the chance to call him back as he probably expected. Also, he probably thinks he is setting one of his plans in place. My call to him yesterday involved asking him to drive my son to a camp. I did not ask him to pick my son up yet he asked me HOW LONG IS THE CAMP? Probably plans to visit while my son is gone. So predictable when you think of it.

However, I feel strong and able to proceed as planned. No contact from me unless absolutely necessary. No begging or pleading. No relationship talk. No managing his life. Once I start cutting the strings, let's see how he does. He is going to realize how much he also DEPENDED on me. When he starts falling apart as I suspect, I plan to be strong enough to proceed with our recovery if that is what I choose and if that is GOD's will. It's not my way, it's HIS way. I'm living by the phrase, LET GO AND LET GOD. I have faith that HE will work it all out for me one way or another.

I'm making plans to keep myself busy. Dinner with a friend tonight. Church tomorrow night. Bookclubs which meet at Barnes and Noble next week. Photography classes, etc. This will give WS the illusion of the mystery man when I am SO BUSY. He will hear about me being out there, out and about. In the meantime, I will be getting stronger and stronger, making myself into a better person, not so needy and wimpy.

I know I will have my weak, sad moments because this is such a NEW WORLD for me. However, you guys, are right. It has to be better than that ALIEN WORLD that I was living in. I really can't imagine ever doing that again, sharing him with the OW. I was finding myself envious of her, worried about her thinking that she had WON. However, now that I think of it,I am the one that is victorious. I am free from the web. I don't have to live in fear, waiting for the next shoe to drop. She must be paranoid about him leaving again; in comparison, I do not plan to reconcile without a solid plan in place. Also, Lord knows, what lie he is telling her about his furniture and clothes which he is keeping at home in order to keep his foot in the door. That's almost laughable to me. My therapist predicts that he will never come get these things.

I will keep you guys posted.

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

This will give WS the illusion of the mystery man when I am SO BUSY. He will hear about me being out there, out and about.
Don‘t worry about what he is thinking about what you do. This is part of Plan B. You don’t go out because he would expect you to sit at home. Just go on & do it because it is what you want to do.

Also, remember that you are STILL married and do not act like you are single.

<small>[ May 29, 2003, 10:15 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris:

My reference to MYSTERY MAN ILLUSION was in response to KEEPMVFORWARD'S excellent and extremely helpful post regarding my situation.

I'm only doing things that I really want to do and enjoy doing such as book clubs and going to church. It does "kill two birds with one stone". My WS does want to think of me as sitting around the house waiting and pining for him. He has admitted this. I think he does need to get the message that I am not doing that.

I am a devout Christian and would not think of acting single. I don't believe in sex outside of marriage. I don't even believe in divorce as Christ hated divorce. My WS counts on this too, having said to me "I know you won't be dating because you are a Christian woman".

Thanks for continuing to check on me.

You have a blunt style. It's kind of intimidating for someone like me who is AFRAID of confrontation-another characteristic of mind that WS counts on and uses. You're helping me to grow!!

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 07:47 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I am a devout Christian and would not think of acting single.
Don't get me wrong. I was not suggesting you would act single. Just make sure you do not get too involved with male friends. As you have probably seen here many times, it is FAR too easy to get to a point where it is truly innocent enough but there is enough "pull" to get side-tracked on what Plan B really is.

You have a blunt style.
Get out!? I do NOT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess I'm just tired of having to dance around with people who won't/don't listen to MB advice and want to make excuses about why they should/shouldn't do something (lefty for example.)

Dear Mimi,
Sorry I'm not on the boards as much. Just wanted to respond to a question you asked me about why would you WH's turning off his voicemail be retaliation?

Answer: Your WH wants you to go along with his crazy behavior. Your Plan B letter challenged that and in effect removed you from his control. YOU set conditions- 1) no contact. 2) we'll communicate by voice mail.

So He's reeling at YOU setting the conditions and he's not happy about what you're doing. His instinct is to get back at you- retaliate- and also to rebel. He thinks, well if she's cutting off contact with me, I'll cut it off with her. I'll show her who's boss. I'll make sure she can't reach me the one way she specified we were to communicate.

His hope is of course he will panic you into going back on your decision.

Your panic, fear and sorrow is understandable. I know the fear of feeling alone. But in the year that he was cheating on you with OW, you were alone. You did not have a true partner at your side. So remember Mimi you have been alone and although it is not fun, you have stood on your own two feet and survived!

I agree with your therapist that he has left his stuff because he is not sure what he is doing. My feeling is don't push him to get the stuff. Let OW be annoyed about the lack of furniture. Unless you think he would purchase more stuff to replace what he's missing which would be a waste of money??? Can you see what he is spending his money on?

Be polite, civil but unavailable. Make him meet financial obligations and obligations to his children.

thinking of you and good luck!

I made what I call a brave step today.

WS didn't want to get a separate bank account for himself but I opened one for myself a couple of weeks ago. He stated that he wanted to "take things slow, leave things as they are until I make up my mind what I am going to do."

I went into the joint account and withdrew my alimony/child support money, not waiting for him to write me a check.

I sent him an E-mail, since I can't reach him by Voicemail (as planned), informing him of what I did.

There is not much money left in the account.

I haven't heard a word from him.

We'll see what happens.

I just figured that he would try to make me have to contact him, begging him for the money.

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I suggest you call (and then write) ALL your credit card companies & remove YOUR name from them. This will prevent any future debt incurred being held against you.

Here is a good practice exercise at being assertive.
When you call the credit card companies, get one in your own name. When they tell you what the interest rate is, TELL them you want a lower rate. This will work 75% of the time, simply by asking/telling them you want a lower rate.

GOOD FOR YOU MIMI! Now, expect to reap the whirlwind!

Seriously, he is going to be angry. Count on it. Do not succomb to his anger though. keep going dark on him. The door is closing on him. His wife is not waiting on him to decide. As I said to marathonman, you cannot love someone you dont respect. Now, you cannot earn respect by words. It is only earned by actions.

He now knows you mean business. Keep it up. I did the same thing with my wife. I slowly, over several weeks, started to close down accounts, foward her mail to her, etc. I didnt say anything about it after I told her that I had done it.

At first, she was VERY angry. But as each thing I did mounted, she saw that it was like she was swimming against the tide. One way or the other, your husband will now begin to get the message.

And for you? You begin to get control back of your life. The seige will begin to lift. It is this process that will help you leave, if he never comes back. It is also this process that makes you a beter Mimi, if he "pulls his head out"

Good job! Keep it up. Expect the worse out of him for awhile. Ignore it. Go dark on him. Begin to turn out the lights. It is quiet in the fog...and now, it is getting dark. His anger will soon turn to fear. And it is that fear that will lead him to seek out the person who can rescue him from the darkness. And if it doesnt? Oh well. You dont want to hang out in the dark with him anyway for the rest of your life, do you?

In His arms.

Mimi, keep up the good work. Staying busy is the key and you sound like you've got that pinned down.
It was my assumption you had set up the amount of monies you would receive and a generous amount at that?
Try separating the bills now. He is responsible for his own car payments,etc.
You should be receiving enough to make house payments, utilities and any other payments directly related to your living expense.
If he were to leave permanently, wouldn't you have to make all arrangements for your son yourself? Taking him where he needs to go, etc.?
Quit asking him to take son anywhere. If he ask for visitations or to be involved then send him a schedule.
Time to prepare yourself as though H doesn't exist!
If you email him, send info only about son, his schedule and needs. Short and to point.
No chit chat in between.
You can do this! make sure your alimony and child support is set so if you do work it's not deducted according to your income!
They can do that you know by court order!
So you would be self defeating by working without this agreement.
LEN

LADY LOU:

Why did you say, time to prepare yourself as if your husband did not exist?

I have an agreement for an ample amount for bills.

I just did not want to wait around for my WS to send me a check when I had access to the funds.

I guess I just consider him irresponsible right now and I felt I needed to take care of myself.

MM:
It's been quiet in the fog! I haven't heard anything at all from him since getting the money on Friday. I thought he would express his anger or something. However, he has a style of quietly 'getting even" so I 'll probably find out something devious that he has done. He still has not arranged to get his clothes or furniture from the house.

TO YOU ALL:
Is it typical for me to want my WS to try to get in touch with me during PLAN B although I requested NC? I wouldn't call him back. I can't help but hope that he is beginning to miss me. I'm hoping that all is not great in the alien world.

I'm not pining away for him as much. I'm getting more in touch with how bad he treated me. It's making me feel more hopeless about reconciliation. That isn't a good thing is it? I thought that PLAN B was supposed to safeguard the marriage. At least when I had contact with him, which I probably can easily resume if I choose to do so, I had some good feelings about him. Now I'm mainly remembering the bad parts of our relationship over the past few months. I'm thinking maybe she deserves him. YUK!!!

<small>[ June 02, 2003, 11:55 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Wow, Mimi, thanks for his forum, and
Great job Keepmvfwd.

I copied your advice and will be using it.

I am in the same boat, except after i asked my WH to move out he initiated contact again (before that he was only thinking about her). She said no and now he wants to come back, but keep her as a friend. A firm Plan B doesn't seem to work, because the situation changes so much. And I still enjoy contact with him. He wants to come back, but doesn'twant to work hard at it.

I will be using your advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>LADY LOU:

I'm not pining away for him as much. I'm getting more in touch with how bad he treated me. It's making me feel more hopeless about reconciliation. That isn't a good thing is it? I thought that PLAN B was supposed to safeguard the marriage. At least when I had contact with him, which I probably can easily resume if I choose to do so, I had some good feelings about him. Now I'm mainly remembering the bad parts of our relationship over the past few months. I'm thinking maybe she deserves him. YUK!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a good thing to distance yourself from him so you can see the REALITY of the situation. The situation is not good, Mimi. His behavior is not good, so you shouldn't have good feelings about it. That is normal.

What is NOT NORMAL is to be so needy and scared to be alone that you gloss over all those bad points and overlook the fact that if/when you reconcile you will be signing on for a difficult venture. When I accepted my H back, I had to accept that I was "settling" for a tough package and a hard road. It doesn't mean the relationship is hopeless, but that you are seeing it in a clearer, more realistic light. Its not good, Mimi, but it can be.

MELODY:

The only thing I can say right now is that you are so right about what you are saying. I guess I have to face reality but all of this seems so UNREAL .