I know. I requested NC from him and he is being compliant. However, I have to admit to being anxious about him not trying to contact me especially since I got the alimony/child support money.

I'm trying to put this all in God's hands. However, I'm wanting to hear my WS' voice so badly even if it's on my voicemail. I'm tempted to call him and do a hangup if he answers. It's so hard to LET GO.

His condo furniture and closet full of clothes are triggers. I keep wondering if he's never going to get them, if he's going to call to arrange a pickup or if that's his entry for coming home.

I'm praying that all is not going well with him and the OW. However, I can't help being afraid that they are getting closer. This is the first time period that they have had all their time together.

Despite the feelings above, I have been working on building my new life. I went to a Book Club and met some new women last night. I enjoyed this but felt weird like this was not me even like I was in a fog, a dream world.

Another nagging question. My WS is attracted by the OW's Need for him. He has mentioned seeing me as being independent, not needing his assistance. My going ahead with my life without asking for his assistance is reinforcing this belief during Plan B isn't it? Of course, I need him badly to help me with all the household and parenting responsibilities that are all falling on me.

I need to hear from you guys today if possible.

<small>[ June 03, 2003, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I want to hear from you!! Need support!!!

Thanks.

Hi Mimi,

I'm where you're at. It's painful. It's difficult but you have to maintain resolve.

My H just called me on my cell. I thought it was a consultant (comes up as private), answered and it was my H.

So I hung up. There is no room for negotiation anymore. He wants out so push them in that direction.

It's called protection and self preservation.

Prayers

Mimi,

Let me respond to your questions in your last post. Then I will hopefuly give you some helpful advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know. I requested NC from him and he is being compliant. However, I have to admit to being anxious about him not trying to contact me especially since I got the alimony/child support money.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is all natural Mimi. But as yiu have said, the longer you are apart, the more you see the "bad" side. This is good. Plan B is to save your love for him, and to get your life prepared for the future...with or without him. what these feelings do is lock up your love for you husband in a vault to protect that love. That's why you need no contact (or as little as possible). At first, those feelins dont want to be locked up. But eventually, with the help of the bad memories, your love for him is pushed into that vault and the door locked. Now, if you have contact with him the door flings open and you have to confront your feelings again.

Your husband KNOWS he has the key to that vault door. He is counting on you not being able to close and lock it. That is why he is silent right now. But be patient. it is like a two year old that says he is running away. He then runs out in the back yard and hides in the shed. You know where he is at. So, you just leave him there to think. After he is done being upset, he realizes that no one is coming for him. He then eventually comes back in the house hungry and tired. Same goes for your husband now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm trying to put this all in God's hands. However, I'm wanting to hear my WS' voice so badly even if it's on my voicemail. I'm tempted to call him and do a hangup if he answers. It's so hard to LET GO.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See above. More contact, even to hear his voice, only hurts YOU. It is like WS withdrawal from the OP. You are having withdrawal from your husband. Remember this feeling when/if he comes home. That way, you will be more understanding of what he will be going through. But, the same principle exists here as with the WS. Your withdrawal will end in a couple of weeks, if you maintain no contact. I KNOW! It took about 3-4 weeks in a full Plan B (only contact was about the kids), and then I no longer had that urge to talk to her or see her. But, remember, she was going through withdrawal from me also. so is your husband from you. Who will crack first? You know the truth of all this...he does not. thus, there is no game plan on his side. So, this withdrawal will continue to increase the pain. If you stay the course, I am betting he cracks first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His condo furniture and closet full of clothes are triggers. I keep wondering if he's never going to get them, if he's going to call to arrange a pickup or if that's his entry for coming home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For now, can you hide this stuff in the basement or something. Somewhere you cant see them. Eventually, this may be helpful in Plan B, because should this go on for awhile, you will be able to increase the heat on him by sending his stuff to him. And he will see you starting to pull away. I did this with my wife. I was done. I was 5 weeks into Plan B. I was processing the divorce paperwork. So, I began to give to her when she came to see the kids, some of the things she had left behind. A little at a time. She began to see this with everything else I was doing as I was done with her. Two weeks after this, she was at my door talking reconciliation. So, hide the stuff from your view if you can. If you have the money, put it all into short term storage somewhere. Then in a couple of weeks...start sending it back by mauybe a mutual friend driving a truck you rent to his new place with all of his stuff in the back. That will be one helluva message!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm praying that all is not going well with him and the OW. However, I can't help being afraid that they are getting closer. This is the first time period that they have had all their time together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly what happened with me. Read my threads from November/December/January. I pulled back completely, and they both threw themselves into their relationship full bore. For the first time, it was just the two of them. From the start of Plan B, to my wife showing up at my door, it was about 8 weeks. Right from the start, the OM began to LB. He was thinking that he had it made, and it was now time that he could let his guard down. Your husband hasnt seen all that the OW has to "offer." Now he will. And the things you have always been in his life, he will have to get from her now. Count on her failing miserably at that. And when he turns around...no Mimi to give him his fork for his cake!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Despite the feelings above, I have been working on building my new life. I went to a Book Club and met some new women last night. I enjoyed this but felt weird like this was not me even like I was in a fog, a dream world.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know how you feel. For awhile, just tell yourself that you are on a vacation. Reality...your future...will come into play in a few weeks/months.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another nagging question. My WS is attracted by the OW's Need for him. He has mentioned seeing me as being independent, not needing his assistance. My going ahead with my life without asking for his assistance is reinforcing this belief during Plan B isn't it? Of course, I need him badly to help me with all the household and parenting responsibilities that are all falling on me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, has you needing him worked so far? seriously, he knows you need him. and up until now, even with his fog talk, he has seen that. What he will now see is that maybe he was wrong. And he will become scared that you might be getting independent, that you wont need him. Meanwhile, OW is still not meeting all his needs and is increasingly LBing. This is why most affairs do not work out in the end. Once the light of day is shed on them, and then the spouse pulls back (after a good Plan A), they finally get to see the real person they have hooked up with. And the grass aint any greener. As a matter of fact, they now look on the other side of the fence and see the changes and realize they had it better at home.

Trust this Mimi. I know how you are feeling. But if you give in now, you will just have to go through all of this again. And next time, he will not believe you are serious. And it will take much longer. Let the withdrawal phase finish. Once that is done, we will see where your husband is. And then, you can make some decisions.

In His arms.

I was victorious and did not make that call to my WS. It was helpful to think of this as being a withdrawal phase. I'm remembering when I quit smoking and am applying the same coping strategies. I keep telling myself that it will eventually get better, taking it one hour at a time, and keeping myself busy. I also like the idea of thinking of this as being a vacation. It surely seems WEIRD!! I have NEVER lived alone before, went straight from my parents house into marriage. It's good that I am finally having this opportunity.

Do I have this correct in regards to the process that is going on? I'm locking the love for my WS away so that it is not openly expressed? It's still there but not being shared with him?

It's still very quiet in the fog. I had to communicate with my WS' office staff regarding financial matters and he had them to comply with my requests. They initially did not want to and I asked them to check with him. That was a good sign that he was not in a fight with me.

Why do you guys think that he is not getting his clothes and condo furniture? I still wonder about this. Did he get new furniture? I can't help but wonder what the OW thinks about this. I know I should not be concerned with this BUT....

I'm feeling a lot better as time goes by. I'm believing in the benefits of PLAN B. Overall, it's better than the crumbs that I was getting from him before.

Anybody there? I'd love to hear from some of you. Starting to feel some of that PLAN B Blahs tonight.

I planted a flower bed until the sun went down. Now I have to think of something else to do.

Mimi,

I read the last page of your thread and you what you are feeling is very normal when dealing with this abnormal situation. NOw you will be looking for his calls and even wanting them but you know how unhealthy it is to get them when he is NOT ready to treat you like royalty.

So keep in mind that he is NOT in the right frame of mind to treat you right so you really don't want that kind of H now. Right???

Also know that these feelings of despair and even desparation of temporary..... it will soon pass.

Now about keeping yourself busy.... good job. Since you have already done your planting for tongiht and I am still at work.... howz about you make dinner for my family!??!?! LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Just kidding!

Need to run home and go be a mom. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

Mimi, you GO girl!

I think the last few posters have made some good points!

Remember, what your H may say he needs is not actually what he really wants or needs. Yes, he likes the fact that the OW is needy. It means she has to put up with his bulls#it. She is so needy she will tolerate boinking a married man who has not even bothered to get his furniture out of the house! And he would like YOU to be needy too- so he could boink OW and come over for a warm reception from you. What will give him a cold wakeup call is when he begins to truly fear that he is losing you. So for now, let him stew in his own juices- GOOD for not calling him.

During the A, my H claimed he liked OW's "freedom and spontaneity" unlike me, who "managed or administrated" our house and children. In fact, when it was all over, he told me he "counts on me to handle everything" and he now saw OW's "spontaneity" as selfishness and irresponsibility.

Why did you say, time to prepare yourself as if your husband did not exist?

I have an agreement for an ample amount for bills.

Okay, there's an agreement. Now what if he doesn't give you any money? What if he quits his job?

What are ya' gonna do?

CHRIS:
Actually THINKING that he doesn't exist has been a good coping technique for me from time to time.

I have the financial situation nailed down I think. Most of the bills that won't get paid are in his name. Would mess up his credit rating. I think that's important to him. I have a good-paying job that would pay for the basics and a couple of lines of credit, one of them still in both names. Also, I would just have to take him to court.

Also as ESPOIR knows, I am a micromanager. That's what my WS has counted on and wants me to continue to do for him. That's why he does not want to separate everything out. He still has the joint bank account that I have access to. That's how I withdrew the support money.

I'm continuing to struggle with all of this, trying to decide what is best for me. This independent thinking is a learning experience but not familiar to me at all.

I have a good-paying job that would pay for the basics and a couple of lines of credit, one of them still in both names.
You WILL get that corrected very soon, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good luck Mimi

I think you are doing well.

S.

Actually I'm having a hard time this evening. I think I'm remembering the Thursday that he most recently got back with the OW. I had a flashback of the feeling of knowing that "HE IS WITH HER RIGHT NOW". He's probably with her most of his free time these days. That makes me very sad. I feel lonely and blue.

I'm going to exercise. I feel like I need to but that's going to be a downer because that's what we used to do together most recently. OH WELL! That's just the way it is. I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about it. I keep thinking at least I have the clothes and furniture. Hope she's anxious about that but maybe they bought all new furniture and clothes while I sit here all alone.

Having a pity party and a VENT!!!

I will check back here when I get back from the gym. I hope you guys can help me with some encouraging thoughts.

I'm wanting to make that call or do a driveby. I know it won't do any good. I just want to do something. The best I can do right now is the treadmill.

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I'm continuing to feel rotten.

I almost can understand how women in European countries tolerate their husbands' mistresses.

I want to call him or write him to let him know how much this is hurting me. I know it wouldn't make any difference but it seems like it would help me feel better.

I know that this does not fit with what has been recommended to me here so I am not going to do anything.

However, I do feel really bad. This is so awful. I just can't imagine how I'm ever going to get over this. To have your whole life turned upside down at my age is truly traumatic. I just want to say that!!! I keep thinking that I've probably already lived most of my life. I had no idea that it would turn out like this.

HELP!!!!

Mimi, I know this is tough. It is not fair. It is the toughest thing one can go through. But just know that it won't be like this forever. You WILL live over this and come to a place where you have peace and sanity in your life. You are not alone in this at all. You have us and you have God in your corner. Hang in there, ok?

Thanks for being there Melody. I'm struggling tonight for some reason.

How is your boy doing?

Mimi, I didn't mean that comment about preparing yourself as though H didn't exist to be hurtful or an omen.
I think you're doing well under the situation, but what i meant was not to let him think you are dependent on him in other ways.
Live with son, do things as though it was just the two of you!
I know H had a responsibility to do things for his child, but having to ask and then H makes excuses it no good. Better to let him know you can manage without I'd think.
But, that's just the independence in me coming out probably.
God bless, LouLou

What I've realized is that what we are experiencing is a MAJOR TRAUMA . What happened yesterday was that I actually had a flashback. I parked in the same parking place at the same time of day that I realized that my WS was getting back with the OW. He clicked his cell phone off as I was parking in the space and I recalled that yesterday. It all came back to me, the awfulness and shock of it. That caused my major setback last night.

This is incredible! I think that it's a miracle for those that go into recovery. Of course, I would wish that for my situation but right now that almost seems hopeless because I feel so incredibly WOUNDED by this. I can understand what causes folks to suicide or to commit crimes because I was feeling at moments that I could do either last night. You need some relief from the EMOTIONAL PAIN .

I also understand now how affairs begin. I think I am extremely vulnerable at this time. Not getting any of my ENs met by my WS, I am extremely needy and lonely, needing MALE companionship. However, I also know how one must use self-control and am aware how such self-control and discipline are possible.

I wonder if any of you have had such experiences. It's called POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER , a syndrome experienced by victims of trauma. I almost actually had a panic attack. Will this ever end? Yes, I know it will somehow, someday, some way.

I can certainly relate to the loneliness Mimi. I have often felt like ringing up some female friends to meet for lunch or for a coffee. I know I shouldn't though as I am not in a healthy state of mind right now - and recognising that makes me strong. I only have to think of how bad I feel to warn me off doing this to anybody, even/especially WW.