A Victory For Me!!!!!

Mortarman was Right!!!

WS CRACKED FIRST!! He left Voice Mail Message this morning. I'm not answering my office phone. He was trying to sound nice and helpful, indicating his plan to watch my son march as a Jr. Marshal and to take him to his camp. He thinks the way to me is through my son. Of course, assisting with him is his responsibility. Also, I know there's the plan to try to get with me while my son is gone. I am not going to fall for it., especially after last night.

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

well done Mimi

Keep strong, it sounds like your plan is working

mimi, you sound much better today! Pat yourself on the back for not caving into your panic and taking any actions that would undo your progress. You are right, this is a MAJOR TRAUMA. It is as bad as the death of a child. But you do LIVE OVER IT. Really.

I think yesterday was another BRIDGE I had to cross, remembering that last D-Day.

Also I feel empowered by my WS' phone call. Just like when I was in PLAN A, he does not seem to have a clue whereas I understand what is going on. I know that he's going to try to make his move when he comes to take my son to camp. Little does he know that I'm not going be at home. I'm recalling how he ended the call by saying, "I'll be talking to you later." He thinks he has me wrapped around his finger. Not this time. I'm not getting into that triangle again. I'm thinking about not going to the graduation ceremony when my son escorts the Seniors. I've not decided about that. I know my son wants me to go. I'll have to figure out a way to hide from my WS.

I have to admit to needing SF. Is there any way I can slip that in with him? I guess not in PLAN B. Plus that will set me back won't it? Just asking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
I think yesterday was another BRIDGE I had to cross, remembering that last D-Day.

Also I feel empowered by my WS' phone call. Just like when I was in PLAN A, he does not seem to have a clue whereas I understand what is going on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is one of the best features of Plan A and Plan B, they bring *some* sanity and order to an insane, chaotic situation. Just think how horrible it would be if you had no plan, no direction?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Little does he know that I'm not going be at home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">GREAT IDEA! I like it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to admit to needing SF. Is there any way I can slip that in with him? I guess not in PLAN B. Plus that will set me back won't it? Just asking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go take a cold shower, Mimi! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ June 06, 2003, 08:41 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

mimi,

Remember that one of the reasons for Plan B as discussed by Harley is:

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

It is to protect you and protect the love that is left for both spouses. Don't cave in....no matter the outcome, no contact will help the process for your marriage (if you reconcile) or for you ( if you don't) Stay strong.

Regardless of my SUFFERING today, I am still going forward in the right direction. I went riding around looking at houses that I might like to live in. I'm planning on putting this house, OUR house ,on the market soon.

The fear, though, is the increased uninterrupted time they have together. I find it difficult to take my focus off of what they might be doing. I can't fill my life up with enough distractions or the distractions can't maintain my attention.
I will continue to try to stay busy. I guess this will pass. However, I feel a strong need for male companionship. I know, my WS was not REALLY here for me before he left. However, what hurts is that we had the best time we've had in years over the past few months since D-Day. He was more like himself than he had been in years. He was responding to my PLAN A but still could not break away from her.

Oh Well. Back to staying busy....

Mimi,Don't skip your sons activities! Why should he suffer for the WS?
So, you run into UH! So what?
As for falling into bed with him, have plans for afterward, busy, won't be going right home. And same for when he picks son up.
You are trying to hide to avoid H. Don't. just be busy and have plans and if he ask why, say "Well, I am getting on with my life! since you have yours separate now my UH.
Done.
LouLou

mimi,

Plan B is risky....you already know that. But to prolong Plan A allows he WS to enjoy the selfishness of having his needs met by two women instead of one. Plan A....while you can feel the highs of intimacy....also contains the humiliation for some of filling needs while a spouse eats cake. With Plan B, along with risk...comes a return to self....pride, commitment, desire for closure and real change that Plan A does not offer. All of us understand the pain of the pitures....the imaginings of their time spent together. But remember that you cannot know how much of that has been ruined for your spouse by the tender care of your Plan A. How many times is he with her....that he thinks of you? We do not know. Take heart. Even if this fails...you are better off than a perpetual Plan A.

Mimi

I think starfish makes some very good points there.

Just one more thought. Looking at MortarMans advice on another thread, he advised a BS NOT to sell the house. Everytime your WS looks at it, it will be a reminder of what he left and COULD CHOOSE to come back to.
Of course, you may have other good reasons for considering selling, but worth bearing in mind.

S.

Harley says time for PLAN B when WS is trying to decide between BS and the OW.

That's what really hurts. It feels like BS has chosen the OW over me.

I realized today that she is the total opposite of me in almost every way. What does that mean? It seems like a total rejection of me and everything that I am and stand for. I'm religious, she is not; I have a graduate degree , she has not gone to college; I have a professional job, she is a secretary; I like designer clothes, she buys shoes from PAYLESS; I can't cook well, she cooks him special meals; I am known for being a "nice" person, she curses him out; I can go on and on with the differences... One of my friends said that he will try to make her into me. I don't think so. I think he is rejecting me totally, angry at me. There are alot of these things about me that I can't change. I can't be less intelligent, less knowledgeable or younger. This is not a good sign is it????

I'm still hurting alot today. I thought that he wouldn't last through this PLAN B. My lonely life here sucks.

<small>[ June 08, 2003, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi

you have only been in plan B a short time I think. There are positive signs there. I don't believe he has chosen you over her. If she was exactly the same as you he would hardly have been interested - he would have had that at home. Different doesn't equal better either. Put the focus on you, become better at what you are good at, and good at what you are weak at.

Remember that he is probably full of doubts now - it just needs time to build critical mass before he is knocking your door down!

Keep up the good work

I realized today that she is the total opposite of me in almost every way. What does that mean? It seems like a total rejection of me and everything that I am and stand for. I'm religious, she is not; I have a graduate degree , she has not gone to college; I have a professional job, she is a secretary; I like designer clothes, she buys shoes from PAYLESS; I can't cook well, she cooks him special meals; I am known for being a "nice" person, she curses him out; I can go on and on with the differences... One of my friends said that he will try to make her into me. I don't think so. I think he is rejecting me totally, angry at me. There are alot of these things about me that I can't change. I can't be less intelligent, less knowledgeable or younger. This is not a good sign is it????

Mimi

I've been following your situation & posts for awhile. I do very much feel the pain & sadness you are in. My situation is so familiar.

I started plant B a week ago. WW left me for an old boyfriend of 30 years ago. He is the opposite of me. I am quiet and reserved, he is talkative and outgoing. I am not wealthy, he is rich. I don't confront or initiate, he is in your face and confident. WW has walked away from home, 3 dogs, 2 cats, a business and friends. I also feel that it is a total rejection of me. She says I have no life and goes off fly fishing with OM. WW said a month ago the only way she would stay in the relationship was if I "changed". I can see the need for some changes yes, but I am still me. I think that is what hurts most after so many years is the rejection of "me". Plan B is good for me and my self respect. I can now at least know that one way or another she'll have to make a decision instead hanging around home eating her cake. I am so impressed with the way you handle your crisis. You have your integrity intact. My greatest hope is for your H to see the light and see what a gem he is missing out on.
-------------------------------------------------
Me BS 51
WS 47
married 24 years
D-Day #1 1980
D-Day #2 1981
D-Day #3 1987
D-Day #4 April 2003
Plan B 6/1/03
Asked WS to move out

Mimi,

I hear you. I am 2 months into Plan B and I feel the same way - like the OW has won and I have lost. My H has received good advice from the MB boards and yet isn't making the first effort at ending the A, even though he tells people that he loves me and wants our M to survive. The words and the deeds certainly are opposite. If he really feels that way, then why doesn't he show me and the world?

IMHO, I think your H ran as far from you as he could (figuratively) - thus the "opposite" traits in the OW. What he is trying, sub-consciously, is to convince himself that your "type" is wrong, wrong, wrong, and to rationalize the selection he has made...when, in fact, you are probably exactly what he wants and needs.

I guess we have to not be too hasty to judge where our WS's are when they are fog-bound, but I admit it is hard! Thank heavens we have this place to come and share. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Salerio, I am taking comfort from your words. I guess that even though it seems like forever, my time in Plan B - 2 months - is not that long, at least from what I read here. Yes it is a lonely, lonely place to be. I only hope I can hold out and hold on to the love I have until (if) he decides he wants to work on our life together.

Mortarman:

Are you lurking around here?

I'd love to learn your thoughts/advice about my recent events: WS' call about coming to son's events and plan to take him to camp. What about the graduation ceremony? Do I go? I think he's wanting to see me.

Mimi,

I was headed to your thread right after I posted with Learnin. Obviously you read what I wrote to her in regards to Plan B.

Hang in there. My Plan B roughly took 6-7 weeks before there was a noticable crack. Now that my wife is home, I found out that during those 6-7 weeks, things were indeed reaching "critical mass." This is why once you go to Plan B...DO NOT BACK DOWN! It will hurt you and cause you to have to go back through withdrawal. And it will make your husband think that you are not serious the next time. He sounds like there may be cracks in is armor. Dont think about them together alone right now (easier said than done!). Understand that now that you have done Plan A, and have forced him into Plan B, you have put him in a no win situation. He has an "either/or" scenario now. Either you or her. And since you said she is an exact opposite of you, the contrast will be readily apparent (my wife's OM was exact opposite of me).

Look, you have been married a long time. Your husband is used to certain things. He will expect her to do them also, and do them the way he likes them done. But guess what? She cant! up until now, they had a common "enemy"...that being you. So they laid down the differences that they dont like about each other to confront the assault on their relationship by you. But now that you are in Plan B, there is no enemy to their relationship. So, for the next few weeks/months, they will begin to be truly alone with each other...warts and all. And the last thing that your WH remembers of you is your Plan A.

Just like I told Learnin, the cycle will begin. OW will begin to LB. He will not be able to come to you to make up for what she is not giving him. So, he will begin to try to "change" her...or worse yet...to LB her because he is angry that she cant do it the way he likes. Of course, this LBing will cause her to back up and get angry and LB him. And her new LBs will only make him want to change things more...or pull back from her. And all of the time in this cycle, he has the memory of YOU. You are no longer around so he can invent his view of you. He is left with the reality of your Plan A, as he sits alone in Plan B fog.

So, he will begin to try to call, or stop by for some stupid reason. He will try to get near you, and if he does, he will try to get you to LB, so he cna justify and feel better about the mess that is now his relationship with the OW. But guess what? You are not even in the cycle. You dont respond to him, talk to him nor meet ANY of his needs. He is now alone in a relationship that is increasingly becoming worse than anything he thought the two of you had. My wife said at one point right before I went to Plan B, that she would prefer to go back in time and go back to the worse years of our marriage than to go through what she was going through. Why do you think that over 97% of these relationships do not work out?

But Mimi, now is the time to stay out of it. I disagree somewhat with what was stated above about not "hiding" from your WH. Now, while I agree that you shouldnt go to undue lengths to stay away from him, since you have a child together, I also believe that it is better for you if you have very little contact, even visual. It will only cause you to get upset and go into withdrawal again. And it will give him the opportunity to have new memories where he might get the good Mimi of the Plan A out of his head.

I think that if you have to not go to something that he is attending, then dont go. When I went to Plan B, my wife and I did not attend the school functions atthe same time. We did nothing associated with Christmas together. Several times, she wanted to come by or catch up with us when we went out to eat...and I ALWAYS denied her.

Plan B has to be air tight. Since you have a child, you still must have some contact. Make it ONLY about the kids, and only things that you HAVE to do together right now. There will be plenty of time in the future, if you are to divorce, to find a comfortable way to deal with each other. Right now, he needsto continue to be as uncomfortable as possible. And you have to get as comfortable as possible. The only way to do that is stay on course, stay away from him...and let the plan do its work.

The cracks you see are real. This is not the time to give in. Stay the course. I think you are beginning to see the beginning of the end.

In His arms.

Mimi,

Of course there are events that you cannot miss because of your son. The graduation being one of them. So, on those, you must go but protect yourself. Come close to start time so there is no time for him to come sit next to you or talk to you. As soon as it is over, find the exit. If there is to be a graduation party, put on your own for your son. Let your husband put on his own. If that is not practical, make sure you have a friend there that will keep you busy and away from WH. Tell him/her (your friend) that if husband starts coming anywhere near you, they are to run interference, coming up and asking you to do something or go look at something. Get help with this from a good friend. You must try to stay away from him at all costs.

You will have to take each event as it comes. Tailor it with your own nees and desires (your desire to be at your son's graduation for example) with the probablity of contact. find away to either avoid it altogether, or a plan to avoid your husband. You will have to think out every event in advance.

And be prepared with some pat answers if he does get to you. Know in advance on how you will slither away if he does make contact. Stay on plan. He is in a tight spot now. You have to make EVERY second count!

In His arms

Mimi

thinking of you. Hoping things are going okay for you in plan B.

Good luck

S.

WS called last week (message on VoiceMail) stating that he would come to pick up my son for camp tomorrow morning.

I am guilty of being an obsessive micro-manager. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. ANYWAYS!!!

I sent an E-Mail to WS yesterday reminding him of this and asked for him to get in touch with me if taking son will be a problem. There has been no response.

Should I call him or E-Mail again to ask for confirmation? I'm anxious about getting son to camp. I haven't made other arrangements. Of course, this is indicating my lack of trust in the reliability of WS. It probably is some kind of a test that he has not confirmed. He knows that I would feel less anxious if he got back with me. I wouldn't think he would stand my son up but WHO KNOWS ABOUT HIM these days. I know he's probably angry because his funds are low at this point.

What do you guys think????

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Yes it could be a test of no response so that you will have to respond in another way. DON'T, if he doesn't respond then make other arrangements as PLAN B! If he doesn't show up in time then use your alternative to get your son there. WS in Plan B will do things that you wouldn't think they would do, so ALWAYS HAVE AN ALTERNATIVE PLAN!