I'M BACK ON THE SADDLE!!

No need for previous panic over camp tomorrow.

WS calls answering machine at work a few minutes ago, sounding as if it's just another day in our lives. He sounds just like we're living together and he didn't leave me last month for the OW. So much for sarcasm.

He says "I'll see you tonight at the graduation". My plan is for him not to see me. Hopefully, I'll see him first and will be able to duck him. Probably not. He'll probably try to sit with me. I'll let you know how this goes.

Plus, he gives the time when he will pick up my son tomorrow morning. Precise. Just like he knows that I like it. How compliant of him!!!

So why does he wait so long to call?? Such a busy single life??

Thanks for being there, you guys. I will fill you in later.

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 02:34 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Agree with trying2_4give! Set up alternative plans and if your H shows up, then so be it. But don't contact him anymore about it.

Melody,
See my post before yours.

I didn't see WS at the graduation ceremony. I don't know if he saw me since it was in a portion of a coliseum.

He probably was surprised that I did not try to arrange a way to meet him which would have been my typical style after he calls. He probably thinks that I am worried about appearances since it was one of those community/social events where I used to play the dutiful,trophy wife. I did the hobnobing alone today,going up and speaking to the people that I usually speak to, both friends and acquaintances. One of the school board members even waved to me in the stands. No one mentioned seeing him so I'm not sure if he was there. People usually ask me about him when I've been going out alone. We are well-known in our community and, as I've been saying, I've "come out of the closet".

If he was there, he must have been proud of our son who looked so handsome as a JUNIOR MARSHAL, dressed in a white tuxedo. I was thinking, how could he abandon this child at this time in his life? I guess that's what made me so bold.

Tomorrow morning he picks him up for the camp. I plan on leaving very early for work.

Any thoughts???

<small>[ June 11, 2003, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Keep it up! Keep a strict Plan B. The heat will begin to rise for your WH.

You are doing great!

In His arms

Ditto, MM! Sounds like you are doing great, Mimi!

I'm watchin and "learnin"!
You can do this, I can too!
Good job!

Made a mistake and went through my WS' stuff that he left at the house.

I found all this silk underwear that he had altered--I'll leave that to your imagination and their MATCHING HOUSE SLIPPERS . Well, he had saved one of his and one of hers.

I almost threw up.

I threw the stuff in the garbage. I do not want their love nest crap in my house.

Continues to be a living nightmare.

I don't know how the trip to camp went. I guess no news is good news given that my son was threatening to "punch him out" when he came to pick him up. You see, WS had not called my son since he left. I have not heard a word from either of them.

WS is probably mad because I left his bills on the doorstep for him to begin paying on his own.

YUCK!!!

WS just called on office Voice Mail, asking me about some financial issues. Then stated, CALL ME BACK AT THE OFFICE.

I sent him an E-MAIL, answering his questions and reiterating terms of the PLAN B letter. That I am not going to see him or talk to him UNTIL!!!!! This was a MAJOR TEST by him being so bold as to ask me to call. Remember, he came to the house yesterday to pick up my son. My son said that he came inside for "a couple of minutes". Everything was beautiful in the house since I'm "Creating a Beautiful Life". I also have my flowers planted in the yard which is a new thing for me.

I guess my response to him was OK.

Any thoughts about this would be greatly appreciated.

I just always need the support of you guys.

I think now that it's PLAY by PLAY ACTION .

<small>[ June 13, 2003, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I probably goofed.

I talked to WS. He responded to my E-Mail, insisting on wanting to clarify terms of reconciliation.

WS: I have been depressed since leaving... remembering our good times together prior to leaving... really depressed after taking son to camp...wanted to call you but afraid...gave son a card saying how proud I am of him but he was not responsive, etc.

Me: It would only take about 5 minutes of you making it clear to me that you will never have contact with her again for me to consider talking to you in more detail about reconciliation. I certainly am not ready for you to come home.

WS: I need to feel that you really love me...that what you are saying is not just words.

Me: You have the last few months to remember. You have not given us a real chance...only three weeks of withdrawal when it takes months.

WS: I know I have to admit that the past few months have been good and I can't get you off of my mind. I have been reading a lot of books about Reconciliation and Forgiveness in relationships.

Me: Read Surviving an Affair, the book I gave you. Also, you can go onto the Marriagebuilders website to read about couples who have recovered.

(He seemed interested in MB Website. Is that a good idea?)

WS: I'm going to think about what you have said and will get back to you later. What time are you going to pick up son tomorrow?

Me: 6:30 AM. Bye. I've got to go.

So Now What?? Hit me over the head with a 2x4. I have not started the longing for him yet but I know it's coming.

Well, he certainly is not expressing his undying love for her but he did get his FIX of me. YUK!!

I want to hear from you guys ASAP. I think this is not over with and I'm not strong.

He sounded like himself--not as foggish!!!

BUMP!! I'm anxious!!!!

quote:
WS: I have been depressed since leaving... remembering our good times together prior to leaving... really depressed after taking son to camp...wanted to call you but afraid...gave son a card saying how proud I am of him but he was not responsive, etc.

Me: It would only take about 5 minutes of you making it clear to me that you will never have contact with her again for me to consider talking to you in more detail about reconciliation. I certainly am not ready for you to come home.

WS: I need to feel that you really love me...that what you are saying is not just words.

Me: You have the last few months to remember. You have not given us a real chance...only three weeks of withdrawal when it takes months.

WS: I know I have to admit that the past few months have been good and I can't get you off of my mind. I have been reading a lot of books about Reconciliation and Forgiveness in relationships.
_________________________________________________

Excellent job Mimi!!!! Stay strong.. Men RESPOND to women who hold their head high with self respect and dignity. Do not let him back easily.
Let him wonder..

One thing I do not agree with is telling him it takes months for withdrawal... This is NOT true when you make them EARN their way back into the realtionship SLOWLY. He needs to feel that MAYBE he has made a BIG mistake. He is starting to wonder, but you have to hold strong. The stronger you appear to him, the more he will pursue you. Let him hurt for awhile.. It will be good for him... If you hold strong he will have no withdrawal.

What you are doing is WORKING... It was great that you hung up the phone first. Remember you want him to WONDER what in the world is going on with you. Do not show all your cards..(DOBSON)

**CRACK**

No, Mimi...that is NOT the 2x4. That sound is the fog breaking. You have done WELL!

Look, you said that there was to be no contact unless certain conditions were to be met. Then you went dark. As I said before, he would begin to squirm, especially with the Plan A you did. Well, he has. And he was the first to break.

Look, he could have continued to try to play games, and hook you back in by calling concerning your son, or something else. Which is what he HAS been doing. But this conversation was different. He called to find out if YOU were still there, and what would it take for HIM to find reconciliation and love. Plan B has had its desired effect look, when my wife came by in January, and saw the kids, she tried to engage me but I was not talking and left the room (told her that she came to see the kids, and if she was done, she could leave). Well, she came into the room 10 minutes later and wanted to talk about what it would take to revive our relationship. Then, and only then, did I sit down and talk with her (for about 4 hours).

In that conversation, I didnt plead or whine. I didnt throw a bunch of "I love yous" at her. My wife, just as your WH, was looking for hope because all had gone dark. They were afraid to jump and we not be there. So, I reiterated basically my position...that I thought reconciliation was possible, but only if OM was gone and we sought counseling...and THEN we would see what we had. Well, she did both over the next few weeks. As she got rid of OM, and went to counseling with me, I switched my plan from B to A. And two months later she was home.

So, you had to talk to him to clarify things. You did not allow it to get off subject, or digress into a relationship talk. This is good. Now, go dark and stay dark. Until he calls and says she is gone and he wants to talk reconciliation. Then you can lower the boom with the MB principles of recovery.

Hopefully, as my wife did, he will read SAA. Actually, that is the first thing she read after she inquired of my about possible reconciliation. And it helped immensely.

Anyway, good job! You are right on par for recovery. I know you will feel anxious now..but let things progress. It still might take somemore time. But, the good thing is...there is now a crack. And for the first time during this, you AND YOUR HUSBAND both know that you are now in control.

In His arms

Yes I am in control. I talked to him one more time and SLAMMED THE DOOR back. I wanted to really make my position clear to him.

He must have seen her at lunch. He was sounding foggish again, clearly wanting to cake-eat, wanting me to help him make some business decisions. I didn't fall for it. Also, he goes so far as to say "I mignt have to act business-like with you and arrange getting the rest of my things but I don't want you to take this to mean that I'm not thinking about reconciliation". It was like he was going to have a show conversation with me in front of her. YUK!!.
Alien Language!!!

My response: I'm stepping back out of your world. I will not be having any further contact with you UNTIL or UNLESS. I told him that I'm going back into my life of learning to live without him. He says "I UNDERSTAND". I hate it when he says that. I did not help him figure out a way to arrange getting the furniture without seeing or talking to me.

He wanted to get my cell phone number again. I gave it to him. He will only get the voicemail.

Positively, he reported that he is really getting to know how she really is now. However, it is not bothering him enough to not want to get the furniture and stuff to try and please her.

DOOR CLOSED! DARKNESS PREVAILS!

Mimi,

U r doing good and appears to be a 'crack' in the fog. His senses appear to be coming back. Let him know when you appreciate his sensible comments.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This time may start to arose some anger with you. Know that this will happen and be prepared. But it does not excuse or minimize what your H needs to do to be 'worthy' of coming back to to his family.

I am proud of you, mimi.

take care,
L.

Orchid:
You are so right about the anger. You may have noticed it in my last post.

Why does the anger come now? I have been waiting for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

WS: I need to feel that you really love me...that what you are saying is not just words.

!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this about? I am wondering if he is testing to waters to make sure you still love him while he eats his cake and has it too. Some reassurance? Does he want to make sure that you will be waiting by the phone for him while he has some fun?

I guess, I would want him to know that you won't be sitting by the fireside waiting for him forever and are moving on with your life. You might not be available when he is done with his dalliance. As far as love goes, his actions hardly demonstrate "love" by abandoning his wife and family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

My response: I'm stepping back out of your world. I will not be having any further contact with you UNTIL or UNLESS. !</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good, good good!!

Melody:

YES!! That's what my second conversation was all about. Making it clear to him that I would not be sitting around waiting for him.

I also made reference to how he abandoned us when he was mentioning how much it hurt him that my son was nonresponsive. I was able to say, "you left us" and he did not try to justify himself as he has done in the past.

However, actions speak louder than words.

It angers me that he wanted me to be understanding about his need to get the furniture despite all this reconciliation talk. He was testing to see if the old me was there, the one that would allow him to disrespect me. I was able to say, getting the furniture would indicate to me that you want to continue what you are doing (or something to that effect). He keeps trying to want me to be understanding of his need to do this. It's bizarre. I guess that's a need that I have fulfilled in his life, being understanding. I've been trying to put my finger on what he needs from me that he is not getting now. I'm afraid he got some it today. I want to make sure that I don't meet these needs in any way at this point.

Mimi,
Stay strong! I can see that it would be so easy to cave at the slightest sign of cracking, to shift to early.
Stay the course...and live your life!