Learnin:

I've been doing a lot of arguing with my 16 year old, too. I've realized that he's been dealing with this all in his own teenage way. He's concerned about me a lot but in the narcissistic viewpoint of a teenager he also does not want this to rock his world.

The house thing really has made a difference with me. I was looking for such a distraction.

I think this was his next move.

WS and I went to our workout place almost daily, as some you may remember, from January until he left. We went at the same time each day, after I got off of work.

I've continued to go BUT I changed my schedule to going later in the evening in order to avoid the trigger and to make sure that I did not run into him. The staff kept asking me where he was until I finally told them that "he left me". They were, surprisingly to me, immediately sympathetic of me. I told you I get surprised by how much people like me. Anyways, I guess he hasn't been going.

Today he reportedly showed up at the same time that we usually went. Did he think that I would be that dumb as to keep going to the gym at the same time? In fact, I always circle around to make sure he's not there before I go in.

My girls said that they could not help but give him a cold reception. They felt that he could tell that they were not too happy with him. He usually tries to converse with them and did not try anymore after they did not act glad to see him.

It must have brought back memories for him! We had a great time there. Remember I used to wear my special outfits? One time we even played basketball. I had a hard time going there right after he left but I had to keep this bod in shape. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Couldn't get me on the phone so he thought he would search for me???

We actually haven't seen each other in about a month.

Mimi, just the word "cottage" gives me such warm, peaceful feelings. LOL
It sounds so beauitful already! And a cozy place you can make into your personality again.
And you're keeping at the workouts for the body shape, Great attitude girl!
You're doing a good job, just keep at it. Let H wonder all he wants, but keep moving on with your plans.
I would bet it won't take to long for him to miss all he had with you. And the bimbo will become bad baggage. He got himself into this fix, he can get himself out of it the same way!
If he can walk out and leave you hanging, how much easier it would be for him to just pack up and walk out on her! And never look back.
I hope that day comes soon, but do not give in until he's on your terms. He's had it all on his too long.
Lou

Mimi,

He is following the script. He cant reach you on the phone. So he shows up where he thinks you will be, but can also say to everyone that it was a meaningless thing that he ran into you. except, YOU WERENT THERE!! Good for you! This is the essence of Plan B. I am betting my bottom dollar that he is missing you. And if you had those feelings about being there and remembering being with him, you know he is having the same feelings.

He is also now wondering where you are, physically and emotionally. He cant even find you in your usual haunts. Fear will begin to take over for him, as he starts to realize that he may have made a huge mistake. My wife did the same thing.

My bet is that he is turning the corner. The heat is rising on him, and all it is going to take is a huge LB by the OW and he will move (and believe me...she WILL LB him!).

Hang in there. Stay one step ahead of him. It is almost fun to now have the power, isnt it? To sort of watch them squirm in their fog. Now, it isnt you wondering what is going on with him, or where your life is going. Now he is unsure and is losing control. The shoe is now on the other foot.

Keep us posted.

In His arms.

Dear Mimi:

I don't know if you have read my most recent post, but I will soon be starting Plan B. I hope I can be as strong as you. I am glad to hear that other people are giving him the cold shoulder. My WH is under the impression that nothing will really change after he leaves. He thinks our mutual friends will feel the same towards him, as well as other people in the community. I don't plan to tell everyone about his A-but I will let them know that the choice to leave was his and not mine. I am looking forward to moving on with my life, but I am also very scared. I am hoping that Plan B breaks through the fog, but I also know that there is a chance that it won't and he may in fact end up with her or with someone else altogether. This is so unbelieveably hard. My prayers are with you.
Pat

Next Move:

He's taken upon himself to arrange refinancing the house so that MY MORTGAGE PAYMENT will be $1000 lower. He calls to tell me this (VOICEMAIL) like he's done such a glorious thing. All I have to do now is go by the bank "TODAY" and sign the paperwork, he says. Of course, he probably did not tell the banker that we are separated. He was talking on my VOICEMAIL while he sat in her office. He seems to have forgotten that I'm putting the house on the market in the next couple of weeks. I've had to E-Mail him about this. I guess the goal is for me to try to reach him and of course to stay in the house. YUK!!!

He seems to be using all of these indirect strategies.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 10:03 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

He is "fishing." As you said, he cant find his "in" with you. Just continue on path. When you guys get to recovery, there will be plenty of time to refinance. Or sell, if that is what you want to do. Right now, just stay dark.

He is flopping around now like a fish out of water. The emotional pain for him is increasing everyday. You are doing great!

In His arms.

I did end up talking to him about the refinancing and I guess I will go along with it. It will be a huge financial savings for ME. No mortgage payment until August and of course the lower payments. Our house is high end and probably won't sell quickly. His thinking makes a lot of sense. I can still sell the house. I guess you're rignt, MM. He's trying to find an "in" with me because this does not benefit HIM at all UNLESS WE RECONCILE. What it does now is to increase MY net from the alimony/child support payment since I am responsible for paying the mortgage out of that. I guess he can now still live under the illusion of fulfilling some family responsibility. I'm not exactly sure what his purpose is other than to try to connect with me again today.

If we do reconcile, he can come live where I live or we can buy a new house. I don't want to live in my house anymore. Too many triggers, too many bad memories of him leaving out of there and going AWOL and of course the current ultimate abandonment. It will mean the world to me to move on out of there.

Let me hear from you guys. Any other thoughts?

Also, its the old cat and mouse game. He almost caught me at the bank. He said "Are going to go by and sign now?" I caught myself, didn't go, arranged to go this afternoon.

Hey Mimi,

Here is an exercise for you!

Write a reply in this topic around 3 paragraphs long about what you did in the last week.

Do not use any reference to your h or anything relating to him in any way.

Plan B is about you, not him.

I will do Chris' suggested exercise as soon as I get chance today.

I just want to say that I now realize that I may be enabling the A again today by allowing my WS to be relieved of guilt by his using his pull to help me financially. I kept wondering what the stake in this is for him. He probably got jumpstarted after losing out yesterday.

The contact with him starts the withdrawal process again for me. However, isn't that the same for him? Doesn't he start to miss me and LB with her? I know,I know, it's not about him. PLAN B is for me.

MM, the plan is to go dark again. Rignt this minute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm looking forward to meeting with a contractor this afternoon to give me an estimate on repairs needed at the house.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>
The contact with him starts the withdrawal process again for me. However, isn't that the same for him? Doesn't he start to miss me and LB with her?
.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Its not really the same because you are the one who is controlling the contact and the less contact you allow him the more he wants to see you. You, on the the other have an element of control that doesn't leave you wanting to that degree.

I agree that the refi deal probably makes him feel like a "hero." He provided for you, which was a great guilt alleviator. Oh well, if it earned you $1000 a month and no mortgage payment until August maybe it will be worth it. His guilt will probably set back in by the weekend and you can enjoy the extra money for months to come.

I think you did good by avoiding him at the bank and hope you continue to go dark. I think it is working wonderfully, especially for your sanity. BTW, did you get a good rate? I just refied my house for 5% and saved bookoo money!

Mortarman is right as usual.

Talked to my realtor. WH was cooking up a scheme to keep me stuck in this house, waiting for him.
It's too complicated and really not necessary to explain here. Let me just simply say that I will not be refinancing my house.

Onward into the darkness!!!

I just want to say that for me it's not getting better as time goes on in Plan B. Somehow I think it's probably not working out well for them. However, that is not helping me out with the loneliness and the sadness that starts to set in because it's the weekend. Weekends are supposed to be fun. Everybody looks forward to them at work. I just want to go to sleep.

I'm upset that my WS tried to keep me stuck in this house. I found out that he was going to combine another loan we had with the house mortgage loan so that the total loan balance due would be more than the house is worth. My monthly payments for the two loans would be lower but there goes the equity needed for me to buy a new house. Basically, he was keeping me stuck in this house while he is able to remain in his new condo. I would have a lot more money available per month but I would be stuck here with all the memories, without being able to start a new life.

I sent him an E-Mail saying NO to the refin. I haven't heard anything else from him.

I'm going to try to think of something fun to do or at least something that will hold my interest.

Keep in touch this weekend if any of you are out there.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hi Mimi,

Glad you figured out his refi scheme before it was too late. What a mess that would be.

Weekends are the hardest, aren't they? I will be around all weekend and will watch your thread. I hope you do find something to do this weekend. Do you like to read? I am reading an AWESOME murder mystery right now titled Cabinet of Curiosities.

I do love to read and I am reading a wonderful novel The Secret Life of Bees . Who is the author of your murder mystery, Melody?

The authors are Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, whom I have never heard of before. This is a very good fiction novel, one of the best I have read in years! Is your book fiction or non-fiction? I am a big history buff and don't usually read fiction, but every once and a while I'll dive into one.

Melody:
It's fiction novel, a Barnes and Noble paperback bestseller about a young girl in the South in the early 1960s. Nothing too romantic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . There are bits of history regarding the Civil Rights Movement.

I'm feeling less sad this morning than I did yesterday when it seemed that I was facing this long dark time called weekend. There's a lot of things around here that need to be done in order to get ready to sell. I can focus on that and making things look pretty.

However, I do have this question. My only hope is for them to LB each other, right? That will probably happen, right? I think it's important for coping for me not to give up hope. Reading BLAH's thread is really discouraging because he sounds just like my WH who left me last time during his three week withdrawal. The WSes sound so much IN LOVE with the OW. I have to stop myself from thinking that my WS and the OW are falling more and more IN LOVE,doing more and more special couple things during their extended amount of time together. I keep thinking back to when my WH and I were falling in love and spent all of our time together as college students. I keep wondering if he is doing those same things with her. In his mid-life, he is probably trying to redo that time. He has said that he feels that this is his LAST CHANCE.


So, there's nothing I can do about their relationship except DO NOTHING?

Ok. Back to work....into the darkness.

<small>[ June 21, 2003, 10:52 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi, glad you didn't go with the refi. For one, he may have been doing that so he could cut his mmonthly payments to you! and have more money for him and her!
If you're going to sell, get it on the market soon. Best time for selling is between April and August due to people relocating before children reenter school.
Interest rates keep coming down so a few months from now you can still refi if you change your mind.
The market is booming on resales and it's a sellers market right now.
Stick with your plan. you're doing great.
Lou

However, I do have this question. My only hope is for them to LB each other, right?
Don’t worry what happens with him...

That will probably happen, right? I think it's important for coping for me not to give up hope.
Yes, they will lovebust.

The WSes sound so much IN LOVE with the OW.
Weren’t you that way once? Meaning that he is not worried about how relationships work. You ARE and are learning all this stuff that HE is not.

I keep wondering if he is doing those same things with her. In his mid-life, he is probably trying to redo that time. He has said that he feels that this is his LAST CHANCE.
They all say that...

So, there's nothing I can do about their relationship except DO NOTHING?
Not too much. EVEN if you were in Plan A, there would be very, very little you could do. Except be in contact and get ulcers.

You ARE doing something about their relationship. Out of the frying pan & into the fire, so to speak.

Plan B. Do something for you. Don’t worry what he is doing. It is very likely he is sitting around watching televesion. Relationships CANNOT go on constantly on the run doing “fun“ things. Too much work, too much time, too much money.

If you keep worrying about him and what he is doing, when will he return, etc. it’ll drive you batty. Also, what if he doesn’t return? It is a possibility. You need to be able to detach. This is what Plan B is all about.

Do start to look at everything you do as something YOU want, not whether you would do it if your h was around or wonder if he is doing this with her.

The previous “exercise” I suggested is to help you start to focus on you. Only you, no one else.
Stop making every statement about him, even if all the thoughts are. Later the thought will not always be about him.