<small>[ July 16, 2003, 08:56 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi, hope you are doing well! Get back here soon and let us know how your move is going. Take care!

Mimi-

I know why you would want to send that card to her, but truthfully, I think you shouldn't. If I was the OW and I received that, it surely would pi$$ me off, but it would also make me feel like I had the upper hand.

Girl, you're better than that!

Don't lower yourself to WH's standards. In the end, OW will get what is coming to her. I know that for a fact.

Just trust in you. I'm on page 21 now!

More to come soon.

Mimi,

I would not do that for the reasons Kily gave you on your thread and because I think that it will cause touble but not in a positive way for you. It will give them both something negative to focus on, YOU, and you especially do not want WH feeling that way right now.

now what

Mimi,

I would not do that for the reasons Kily gave you and because I think that it will cause touble but not in a positive way for you. It will give them both something negative to focus on, YOU, and you especially do not want WH feeling that way right now.

now what

I know that you are both so right. They do not have me to be a topic of conversation any longer.

I've just been having lots of rageful feelings about her lately. I mean really rageful!! I want her to suffer pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Everybody that loves me and knows about this say the exact same things that you guys did. I even talked to my WS' best friend last night who was sad about WS not contacting him since April. He had some good news to share with him and was hoping that he was at home.

They all say that I do not want to sink to her level. That she is trash, I am a woman with class, etc....

Thanks for being there, you guys!!!!

Now What, I am going to be posting to you. I have been very busy over the past few days. I guess that's a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I understand those feelings and have them too. No doubt about that! You are doing the right thing by not lowering yourself. The momentary gratification will hurt you in your efforts to reach your goal.
now what

Dear Mimi-

I completely understand your rageful feelings. I still have them to my H's OW. She knew she was destroying a marriage with 3 kids, she could see that my H was not moving out to be with her, and basically she used every tactic in her arsenal to try to get my man. What can I say? In your case, it is even worse because your H has been suckered by your OW's tactics. And the worst part is when we have to admit to ourselves that our Hs went along with it. However, that OP gave them the opportunity. And did so knowing the WS was married. So they are complicit.

Well, I wish the worst on my H's OW and I will throw some of those bad feelings the way of your H's OW! Still, I don't let these feelings play much part in my life or it would mean those OW won. They are not worth devoting even one grey cell to thinking about.

I second the motion to take a cooking class. What a great idea.

There is one other thing that I would say. In previous posts you have made comments that your H knows you are very religious and would never date while you are still married. Even if you are not ready to date, I would not let him have the comfort of that feeling. My POV would be, you are living with another woman, I plan on keeping busy and seeking companionship- of both men and women- and it is none of your business to delve into the extent of my friendships.

Mimi, I know you are going through a very painful time. Keep busy and I wish you the best!

My 20yo son's car got hit in a wreck and was totalled. He called his F to get help with the insurance claim since WS is a businessman. 20 yo left word that the call was urgent. WS has not called him. 20yo says his F does not care about him. Wants me to handle the business.

I decided that's what I will do. However, the car is in WS' name and he will need to be involved to some extent.

His irresponsibility, inability to be reached and neglect of his sons is angering me immensely. I even road by him in the car today, didn't speak and my heart did not skip a beat as usual. He seemed to look at me as if he is mad at me. I don't even care. That used to bother me.

He's up to something weird. He withdrew a large amount of money out of his checking account, a cash withdrawal. It's the same amount of money that I get for my child support/alimony. It was as if he thought I was going to take it midmonth which I never had done. It's probably some paranoid idea that OW has put in his mind. He is so controlled by her thinking. It's pitiful that such an intelligent, upwardly mobile man has sunk down to his level.

I'm moving forward.

Sorry about S's car, he wasn't hurt was he?

I know how you feel about the kid's feeling abandoned. The funny thing is the WS's are so adamant about "loving" their kids! Yeah, funny way to show it.

You can take care of the car stuff for sure!! I'm doing stuff all the time that I never tackled before. Last night I put together a basketball hoop for S!! Almost complete, just need my 16 yr.old to help with the last "heavy" part! It felt good, I though, Hell, I don't need WH!

He called last night, check out my thread, I'm not doing a very good Plan B.
I'll just need to keep out of sight when he show up tomorrow for the kids.
I can do this, you can do this.
Talk later.

Mimi-

Actually, I thnk that your husband is now starting to "react" torwards you for the sale of the house and such. He's starting to get pi$$ed off at you because you are moving on and he has lost the upper hand over you.

You will see more of this erratic behavior.

As for the house things- take the furniture with you if you like it. Once it's in YOUR new home then technically - it's yours, unless a court says otherwise.

As far as his things go - don't do anything with them. Pack everything of yours and move. Notify him - through your lawyer that he can come and get his things on such and such a date. If he doesn't come withing - certain amount of time - then put a stipulation in that the belongings will be considered abandoned and that you will call some charity to come and cart them off!!!

Watch the sparks fly then!

Sorry sbout your Son. This is typical WS attitude. I was the same way - BOW my head in shame...

The good news - I think you've really got a shot but it HAS to be a firm plan-b from here on out. No access whatsoever. Take care of EVERYTHING from now on. Do not call X for any help at all. Rely on you.

You are doing wonderfully!

Kily:

Why that reaction to his son?

Why are you saying such a strict PLAN B from now on? I plan to do that but wondered if there was a special reason based on my WS' pattern.

Last week when he caught me on the phone, he knew about the house but didn't seem pissed. Has he had time to think about it or was it that weekend trip with OW that did it?

Just wonder what your thoughts are.

I see that your H is going through a mid-life crisis. He's facing his mortality and in doing so - trying to fight the hands of time by reliving youth through OW. It really has little to do with what you did or didn't do for him during the marriage.

His "A" was his way of shucking all responsibilities and being young again. You and your kids are a reminder of his mortality issues because you are a significant part of his "real" life. He's running from any reminder of his old life right now. Unfortunately, your son is a part of that life too.

The house thing is a BIG deal because he sounds like he is VERY attached to it (you). You have stated otherwise, but I sincerely feel that his attachment is deeper than he has ever let on. House = Wife and family. Several times he has tried to get you to stay there. Several times you have made the decision to move on. That's why I think this.

Why a strict plan-B? I sincerely believe that he will come around. Also, it will cause you less pain in the long run because the roller coaster. I think that if you let him have OW 100% woth NOTHING from you, he will start to see her for the CHILD that she is. He will see what you've done without him, and he will regret not being a part of it.

Sure there are highs and lows that are deeper for a while, but after a few months, and a severe depressive cycle - you get to a new place. It's not hate that is your objective, it's a detachment to the point of indifference. I am VERY near that point now.

It's a weird place because you start to wonder if the "R" with H was ever real, it feels more like a dream that you had. I think of X now, and he is really a stranger to me. I have a hard time remembering what drew me to him in the first place or what it was about him that made me want to work on it so desperately.

I do realize that if we spent time together in a sincere effort to recommit that this would change, but I'm no longer letting it rule any of my choices. I NEVER believed that I could get there.

You can if you have to.

Mimi

Our resident MB coach, Cerri, has said that there is no such thing as a modified Plan B (It is like pregnancy, you are either pregnant or you are not). Plan B is not just to bring reality to the WS but to lay the groundwork for a possible marital recovery as well. It does no good if your WH ends the A and expresses a willingness to rebuild the M, only to find out that you have lost all the love you have for him and no longer wish to save the M. Without implementation of a real Plan B, you run the risk of that scenario becoming reality.

What is the age difference between 20-year-old son and OW?

She's older than I thought she was-32 or 33. Yet, she's still a lot younger than him. He will turn 50 in August, only a few more weeks. He looks it. I don't, by the way. I look more like her age. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's can't be easy for the 20-year-old to assimilate a woman 10 years his senior as his dad's new babe.

Did you ever rent the film "An Unmarried Woman"?

It might just cheer you up about now.

Pep

I haven't talked to my 20yo about the OW. He's in college in another city. He usually has a bad temper. However, it's interesting, he's responding to the marital separation by becoming depressed. He was very upset today saying F doesn't care, he has to worry me, I'm going through too much, his family is breaking up and then he has to have a wreck, etc. I had to really work to reassure him. My other son knows all about the OW and insists that I don't tell his brother. He thinks that his brother will react badly. My younger son, who is at home, is full of anger. I think it's depression too but that's how he is showing it. It's difficult for all of us.

I will try to get the movie. Isn't it an old movie. I think I've seen it.

Thanks PEPPERBAND!!!!

By the way, I happened to see the OW's whole body today for the first time. She has developed some fat rolls around the stomach. I told you that they have been eating a lot. I don't think he's attracted to her looks. She's losing on PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS these days.

Well, off to the gym! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Dear Mimi, I've not had time to catch up on all but last two pages today. And it's time to cook dinner.
But do I understand you're 20 yr old isn't aware of A? Did I misunderstand?
Anyhow, have you considered counseling for your sons? I think they need it to vent and express their own feelings. Repressing them will do them no good. And they are old enough to know everything that is going on!
Keeping them protected, especially the 20 yr old could be more damaging.
I understand your concerns about son's grades also. That's why I think some counseling would be good for them in dealing with all this upheaval.
They should have counselors at your son's college.
As for F! It would be the last straw for me when he dumped my kids as responsibility to them.
He sounds like he's going to be one of those dads' who thinks the support money is the extent of his responsibility to them. NOT!
He's either part of their life or he's not. And I wouldn't have it any two ways in between.
Anger? You bet at him and OW.
You are doing great for you, BTW. Keep on keeping on and pretty soon perhaps you won't even care if UH comes to his senses.
If I'd gone this far, as you have, I wouldn't turn back one iota.
God bless, LouLou

I think my 20yo knows about the A but doesn't want to let on that he does. He was in anger management counseling in the past and purposefully uses avoidance to handle his anger. He stays away from situations that ignite him. Make sense? He tried to tell me that he thought his F was having an an A about 2 yrs. ago because WS' cell phone would always ring in the car when riding with him and he would not answer.

My 16 yo has refused to go back to counseling. It didn't help that I took him to see one right before my WS left and the counselor told him that we have a FAMILY PROBLEM and that he does not have a problem. That's the only thing he heard most clearly in the session.

WS has redeemed himself a tiny bit tonight. He tried to call me on my cellphone and at home but did not leave a message. Hopefully he's concerned about our son. Of course, he's supposed to call him and not me. Seems like he's using it as an excuse to make contact.

Where's the OW at 8:00 on Friday night? She was surely looking bad today. She has absolutely no class. She was dressed for work like she was going to a picnic. Not my style at all. I have to wonder about him wanting to be with such a woman. YUK!!

I got word that he's investing in a new business which explains the money withdrawal. That's a good thing for me.

Will keep you guys posted! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />