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Why are you saying such a strict PLAN B from now on? I plan to do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Where have I heard THAT before, Mimi? A soft 2x4 for ya'... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> As I briefly hinted at in a previous reply, seems EVERYTHING you do (based on what you write here)is centered on your husband. He did this/that, he said this/that, he is going here/there,, etc. SO WHAT?Remember I asked you to write a few paragraphs that had in no way, ANYTHING to do with your h? Personally, it doesn't bother me what you write here. But the point (of Plan B)is to change your focus. Plan B is detaching and not centering your life on ANYTHING husband (but at the same time remembering you are still married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ) It's not an easy process but it will help you in the long run, whether you get back together or not. C'mon girl, get a plan and stick with it...
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I think my 20yo knows about the A but doesn't want to let on that he does.Of course he does. He probably knew before you did. But he gets stuck in the middle. Now is the time for you to be Mom. He HAS to be able to open up with problems. Who else better than a parent. Well, Dad isn't a good choice, so Mom to the rescue. He's been sitting on this for x years now and not having a clue what to do with it. He doesn't want you to get upset adn he can't talk to dad cause he's the big jerk who's doing it. Sit him down THIS WEEK and have a heart to heart talk. Let him know what's going on. Whatever you do (as much as you may want to), DO NOT slam your h! Your son knows he's an [censored]. You ned to show him that you can be the "good" one here. Show him how people should act and treat others with respect even when they are getting disrepected to the nth power. (that's a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Chris: Don't you think I've done tons. I got my house ready for sale, sold it, found a new house, just emptied this house today of furniture that I don't want. What makes you think I don't have a plan??? I'm sure like most people here, my WS, was my heart and soul for 30 years of my life. He was part of my identity. It's been hard to think of him as not being part of me. I was too dependent. Codependent... It's so surprising to me that he thought that I didn't love him. He still claims to think that. I just had a long talk with an old friend who stated that WH used to wonder with her whether or not I loved him. He has stated that OW fulfills his need for ego-stroking, admiration. She thinks that I need to show that one last indication that I will fight for him, that I really love him. That viewpoint doesn't fit with PLAN B. But he does seem to continue to check it out and has said that he doesn't FEEL like I love him as he has loved me. Remember me finding all the cards professing his love for me? I took him so much for granted. That really hurts. Maybe I'm just not a demonstrative person. She's gotten me really confused after sharing how he confided with her. She is an elderly lady who was our piano teacher. Yes, we took lessons. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What do you guys think ? Should I send him a red rose on our anniversary on July 31 as she suggests? Something to commemorate the day.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's so surprising to me that he thought that I didn't love him. He still claims to think that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Omigosh, Mimi. That's exactly what my H says too! When I tell him I love him, when I say, "do you realize how very much I love you?" he asks, "then why don't I feel it?" I certainly can't answer that. I have concentrated a LOT on his ENs during the 6 weeks we were working on recovery. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has stated that OW fulfills his need for ego-stroking, admiration. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ditto. Admiration is #2 on his EN list, and he has said that she was always so appreciative of things he did for her. Said I didn't appreciate things like when I worked real close to him, he would take me to lunch several times a week. He didn't feel I appreciated him for that. What was I supposed to do? It was obvious I was enjoying his company. Should I have thanked him for buying lunch each time? And I don't appreciate that he does the dry cleaning. Well, he has done the dry cleaning for the last three years, since he started working from home. For the previous 16 years, I did it all the time, with no expressions of appreciationg from him . I am sorry, it sounds to me like my H is looking for excuses to justify his actions. Sorry for hijacking! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Gee, my H said he has always known I love him. I feel taken for granted!
Mimi, about the red rose? Why not send it so he gets it at work? Making sure OW can't sabotage it.
Put a card or note stating that you do still love him! And always have.
That shouldn't change your Plans at all. You just keep moving forward after you do this.
Some men have to make up some excuse for their behavior. OW probably doesn't love him half as much as you do. She's got stars in her eyes about the financial situation so she's being taken care of! I'd bet it's money more than him that attracts her!
I imagine some whinny little bimbo pouting to get her way most times!
I'm not so sure about plan B and no contact whatsoever.
What do others think about you having dates with him? Dinner, dancing or whatever you like to do. Make it very romantic, be doting on him, but no SEX!
You can certainly make him feel like the king of the world without jumping in bed. Rein him in with wanting you! When it gets to that point, just tell him you aren't comfortable with being in line. That you save yourself for a one on one relationship totally. And if and when he ever decides he wants you back, it will be you and you only with NC with OW! It is possible to show someone you love them, but keep your independence!
LouLou
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P.S, Why not deliver the flower and card in person? Along with a big hug, kiss and I still love you with all my heart. Then walk out.
There is a difference between making him take you for granted and showing you do love him! The point I believe in is showing him you do love him, want him, but only under your terms! That way you don't appear to have just given up totally and letting him walk for good!
LouLou
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JMO, but if he doesn't know by now that she loves him after all this, then he will never know. I think the downside of delivering him a rose is that it reassures him that she is still standing by the sidelines waiting for him so he is free to play longer. He has looked for that reassurance in the past. It gives him no motivation to change the status quo.
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I agree with Melody. You have stood by him for a long time while he chose the A over your M. You were there for him and haven't moved to divorce. You aren't on Marriage Builders for any other purpose other than to get support to save your marriage. What other message does all that send other than the fact that you love him?
Plus, remember that Plan B means no contact.
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I think some sort of intervention from me might be in line. There is trouble in paradise. He has tried to reach me Friday night and this morning. I REALLY have not been available. At gym on Friday. At church today. Which is good. He is wondering probably why I'm not available. I have not called him back. The thing is, trying to reach me on the weekend? During their special time? Come to think of it when I saw OW on Friday she looked troubled, unkempt and overweight. She is letting herself go. Remember too that he saw me on Friday and I was looking good as usual which is my natural way of being, not done for him. Also, rode on by and did not speak to him. He was spotted at the gym Friday which was our special place. I know Chris is saying that this is all about him but that is what I want to talk about right now-the independent, assertive lady that I am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Just reporting that I feel good. I feel pursued. I still don't feel like he's ready though. When he called, he asked me to call him back. He could have left a message that he was ready for NO CONTACT. About admiration, I really feel that I failed on this. I really feel like I did take him for granted and he may not have felt loved by me. I really regret this. I've been continually finding the cards that he sent me over the years. His words of love to me are so beautiful and it seems like it didn't mean anything to me then. I can't figure out why I didn't show him the love back. Can it really be true that I want him now because he doesn't want me. I don't think so. I think that I've loved him through it all. I have failed to be demonstrative. Sometimes I think with a little more PLAN A I can win him back from her. I've heard love for me in his voice the last two times that we have talked. It's like he wants me to help him establish NO CONTACT. Does that make sense? His love for me was rekindled during the PLAN A. He couldn't make it through the withdrawal and during that time he still was not convinced of my love for him. These are just by honest feelings. Please no 2x4s.
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The piano teacher friend who was my WS' confidante for several months says that I should do the exact same thing that LouLou says. I'm wondering if I should listen to her since she knows him so well. She apologizes for not telling me what my WH was telling her. I think he started his A soon after he abruptly quit his piano lessons and his contact with the piano teacher. I thought that was strange!
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Mimi,
I don't get it. Plan B is working exactly as it is supposed to work and you are on here talking about gumming it up! The train is slowly, but surely, traveling to Duluth and you are proposing DERAILING the train because it is not moving fast enough. Get away from the train!
His affair is now in the DEATH THROES because of Plan B. He is now trying to get ALL of his needs met by the woefully inept OW and it is not working. You are seeing signs of this. HOWEVER, if you step in and start meeting these needs again, it will simply prolong the inevitable. [and prolong your misery]
He will be able to carry on longer with the OW if he is assured of your devotion and if you meet some of his needs.
In Plan B, he doesn't have the benefits of you BOTH, only one. And she is failing. As long as you are in Plan B, he knows he can't have both. You have given him a choice. Let him make that choice.
Please let her continue to FAIL. Stay out of the way, Mimi.
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Melody,
I just needed to hear you say it!!
You are right, I am impatient. I will stand firm with the PLAN B.
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Mimi: I have 2 agree with Mel on this one. You're sitch has seemed 2 be following the plan B script pretty closely, and I think you do need 2 be careful about ending it 2 quickly. Maybe Orchid could offer some suggestions. When her H wanted 2 come home, he called her from the OW's, with the OW in the background begging her 2 take him home... ...apparently, she told him 2 stay there a little longer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seems he needed 2 be sure he knew what he wanted, and Orchid certainly did. I wish you all the best in this hard time. -ol' 2long
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mimi, mimi, mimi..
What are we going to do with you?
Your Plan B is working! Your NC is working! If it ain't broke don't fix it!
If you give him any indication that you are ready to catch him whenever he falls, you are enabling his A. As I have said before: As long as he believes that there is a net, he is going to continue to dance upon the wire.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long: <strong> When her H wanted 2 come home, he called her from the OW's, with the OW in the background begging her 2 take him home... ...apparently, she told him 2 stay there a little longer! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAA! I just love Orchid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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mimi,
Just one more person telling you to stick with Plan B. If your H comes back prematurely, it will just be more heartache. He has to understand how STUPID he was first! LOL. It really sounds like your Plan B is making an impact....and when you break NC you dilute the effectiveness of it.
"Stick to the road mon! Keep away from the moors!" (told to me by a drunken scotsman...concerning life"
Be strong. Be encouraged. You are doing just fine.
<small>[ July 20, 2003, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>
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OK! OK! I'M LISTENING!! I was just testing to see if you guys were paying attention to me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm back on the saddle. I've had a fun-filled afternoon. Are you listening, Chris? Went to my new house to think about furniture placement, went browsing at Barnes and Noble, bought some cookingmagazines there, got my favorite, a cinnamon scone.... THE CHASE CONTINUES..... Will keep you posted. Thanks for being there for me, you wonderful MBs. I am a perfect example of how much this forum is needed. I would make big mistakes without you guys. Just like I did several months ago.
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More News:
20 year old son is happy because "My father called me today; he said he hopes I'm alright and will be in touch with me later". This was on son's voicemail.
Well, well, well....
What's going on this weekend????
<small>[ July 20, 2003, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>
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Hello Mimi LOL LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm very happy plan B is working! Isn't it amazing how things may turn out? He is TRYING to contact you even with your son! hahaha he is getting desperate! Keep at it!!! Good luck
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Mmimi, I will say this. Only you, and you alone, can decide what you feel like doing!
I wasn't suggesting you throw yourself to his mercy screaming for him to come back.
You said your piano teacher who knows you both well told you he felt you didn't love him.
Perhaps he feels that way even more now? Who knows?
What I was suggesting was that you make a small gesture as a reminder you didn't forget the anniversary!
Plan B may be working it seems, but which direction will it take him? Will he finally give up entirely believing you have absolutely no interest at all in him anymore? Or will it bring him to his knees in repentance?
Nobody can predict what will eventually occur.
And if OW and he are at odds, what would it prove to him to see you smiling, calm, happy and showing him you do love him still? That you thought of that special day you wed?
A gesture is just that. On you way continuing as you have been, but leaving him with something to think about!
Follow your heart! Talk to those who know you both well and have for years. There may be much wisdom in the older people surrounding you and your family!
BTW. have you sought any counseling for this Plan B and inquired of a professional( really qualified one I mean) as to how long you should go with it? Or what they think is best for your situation now?
I agree you cannot work on the marriage as long as he's with OW and not giving up. But does he really know you are willing to save the marriage and love him enough to work on it if he does give her up?
I've read you for a long time here, but have not really read all the thread here lately.
God bless, LouLou
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