Now he calls back and says that whether or not we get back together or not, whether I will take him back or not, he wants me to have a better house more in line with my standards. Says he's embarassed to have put me in this position. He says he knows that he created this situation.

He is in a begging mode.

He wants to give me more money for the downpayment and for me to go out and get the house that I REALLY LIKE without worrying so much about the budget.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

"I will purchase a home that I can afford myself without financial worry."

KISS (keep it simple stupid)

The mortgage payment would be the same. I would make a larger downpayment.

This isn't about a house ... it's about a marriage and self respect and respect for boundaries.

Is he honoring your Plan B?

WS' style is consistent: showing his love through buying things for me. Wanting me to show appreciation/admiration, his major EN.

I will have no more contact with him until NC letter which he states he will write but has not done it yet.

He did agree to counseling in the last phone conversation. He stated an awareness that "we have a lot of work to do after going through all of this that I put you through".

I have an appt. with Steve Harley on Thursday.

We'll see. I'm still moving forward but there does seem to be a real crack.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Please don't take this for a slam (I could do a LOT better in that dept <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). Just some constructive criticism...

I will have no more contact with him until NC letter which he states he will write but has not done it yet.

He did agree to counseling in the last phone conversation. He stated an awareness that "we have a lot of work to do after going through all of this that I put you through".

I don't understand where you are today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Is it;
No contact?
Some contact?
A lot of contact?
Only some contact on odd days?
A lot of contact on every other Monday and no contact on Tuesday-Thursday, followed by medium contact every other full moon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

ad nauseum...

Has he ended the affair and agreed to no contact? This is what he should agree BEFORE you start talking about what is needed for reconciliation.

I have an appt. with Steve Harley on Thursday.

Excellent. Much better than all of us "wanna be counselors" anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Is this your first call with him?

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I have no idea where I am today. I am totally confused !! My WS really is saying all the right things. Chris, I wish I could be as strong as you seem to feel like I can be. I've always had a hard time with PLAN B. You guys know how I struggle with it. Just keep pushing me. I keep getting back on the horse. I'm trying to hang in here on the forum and not run away like I did last time.

I'm really frigntened now.

I think the key now is to do what I think is really best for myself. I really have to think on that today.

I really didn't want that house. I was really settling for it. I was trying to convince myself of it yesterday when I went by. He maybe stringing me along with the money. However, do I need to live in a place where I really won't be happy? My WS has got a point.

I have had several sessions with Steve Harley. My WS had one session with him.

Steve has never been as "stick with the plan" as you guys. However, he does know all of the special issues in my case.

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

"I'm really frightened now."

see..... you let him into your head. You weren't frightened until you allowed him into your thinking process.

Pep

Mimi-

You asked for it so here it comes...

Ws is trying to establish himself in YOUR new life by BUYING you. He's dangling money in front tof you like a carrot. Why?

Well here's what I see.

Mimi has decided to move on. She's no longer participating in the triangle - (hiccup that we'll ignore here) and she's settling for something that will work for her. It may not be her number one dream, but it was hers. She found it and felt comfortable with a future there.

All alond WS has been trying to get little snippets about Mimi's new plans. Mimi has been very vague and for a greart reason. Now all of a sudden, WH panics and throws out any thing he possibly can to influence Mimi's life. Why?

Two reasons. He's loosing control of his fantasy life and his fall back position is being altered because you aren't playing the game his way any longer.

Mimi - why do you think he wants a better house for (you?) He wants you to buy the house that HE will feel most comfortabl in IF he decides to grace your doorstep with his cheating a$$. He makes himself out to be such a generous guy - Oh I'll give her a little extra cash so she will think I'm thinking of HER interests. Nope. He's playing fishing again and trying to bait you onto that hook!

No contact - unless a commitment is made!

I hope I shook you up a little...it's done with love.

Chris, I wish I could be as strong as you seem to feel like I can be.
One step at a time. When ANY contact is made or even think it may occur, STOP & think, “why is it happening and what will it get me?”

I've always had a hard time with PLAN B.
You’re not alone. It’s NOT easy by any means.

Just keep pushing me. I keep getting back on the horse.
You have to set your mind to DO IT and to stay on the horse or the horse will keep on moving as soon as you try to get back on without changing your tactics.

I think the key now is to do what I think is really best for myself.
And that is the idea behind Plan B. It’s not fun to do it either. But which would you rather do? Eat broken glass (hurts in the long run) or hit your leg with a 2x4 (hurts for w little while)? Neither one is fun but you have to choose.

I really didn't want that house. I was really settling for it. I was trying to convince myself of it yesterday when I went by. He maybe stringing me along with the money. However, do I need to live in a place where I really won't be happy?
Don’t get any old place just to be free from him.

Mimi

be careful now. Expect your emotions to be giving you conflicting messages. Remember how you chose this house - why did YOU choose it? It was right for you then, what makes it wrong for you now?

I agree with pepper and kily (glad to be on her side again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) - don't let him get control or introduce dependency here. My suggestion is this:

Get a piece of paper. Write out on one side your financial restrictions etc. On the other write out your desired features in a house. Now reconcile the two, i.e. what can you afford. Get some brochures, visit some estate agents. Convince yourself as to whether this house represents a good match to your list or not. Do this in isolation of your WH and forget about his offer of money. If you're not sure then, fair enough, look at other places. Otherwise you've found your new home.

Remember the big prize. Getting your marriage back better than ever. If you get that, what does it matter if you have to sell again, or your house isn't wuite perfect. It can be dealt with then. Your marriage (and specifically you now that you are in plan B) is the main priority. Get yourself sorted out and watch your WH come running after you.

You are doing a good job, but you are finding plan B hard. Of course you are - all roads out of this hell are hard. But you have a road that DOES lead out, and is straight and has room for your WH if he decides to follow it.

Be strong now. We are all here for you.

S.

From Kily: :
She found it and felt comfortable with a future there.

To be honest, this is really not true. I don't REALLY want to live anywhere without him. I'm only playacting. I can't really imagine being happy without him. I don't like the independence that has been forced upon me. I hate it! I want somebody to take care of me. Just being honest!

He wants the house he will be most comfortable in IF he decides to come back.
What if I choose the house that we could feel comfortable living in if I decide to take him back?

No contact until commitment is made.
I have not really reestablished contact. I am aware that he is working on getting me to do this. I'm not as dumb and naive as I was last time.

Chris was right for a change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I was getting any old house to be free of him. I really did not love the house. I liked it alright. I really tried to make myself love it yesterday. I really was just settling. My visit yesterday was before the contact with WS today. I will choose the house that I love, if I can find it-not the one that he wants. In fact, he even wants the house to also be in his name. I have refused.

So you guys don't buy the stuff about him being afraid of the OW? Because what he really wants is for me to get a house in a gated community for my protection and safety) . No one can get in without the owner's permission. However, I don't like any of the houses there.

Remember I have not agreed to see him at all. I'm buying the house I like with my own home loan. I have not agreed to let him move in the house with me. I've continued to insist on the NC letter as a condition to discuss reconciliation although he has pressured me to agree to reconciliation.

Kily,
Why are you sure he's not really planning on ending the A?

<small>[ July 21, 2003, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mimi1254:
<strong>

So you guys don't buy the stuff about him being afraid of the OW? Because what he really wants is for me to get a house in a gated community for my protection and safety) .

Kily,
Why are you sure he's not really planning on ending the A?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mimi, he has planned on ending it before. If he wanted to end it, he would end it.

And no, I don't buy the stuff about him being afraid of the OW. Sounds like an excuse to not formally end things. Maybe he is afraid to face her wrath, which he has to face when he ends the affair. Or maybe he is just pandering for some sympathy from you.

Melody,
I don't get it.

Hearing what you say makes me want to give up on the whole thing because I must not have any hold on reality.

He sounds as sincere as can be and is SAYING all the right things.

I get FRIGHTENED because I feel like my view of reality is distorted or maybe I'm not communicating things here clearly enough.

I checked with my mother and my sons and they all felt like I was settling on the house and I want me to look for another one. That's somehow comforting that I'm not completely loosing it.

Mimi, I don't think you should give up at all! Plan B is working! But it is FAR from over. He is talking. But thus far, that is all it is.

I am just suggesting that you don't go by his words, but by ACTIONS. *Only* ACTIONS. He has said all the right words before. Words that you wanted to hear desperately but words that he did not BACK UP with actions. He was very convincing before.

Maybe it is a good idea to get out of the house if you truly don't like it. But I would proceed as if you might not have him around just to cover yourself for eventualities. And then if and WHEN he really is ready to commit - via ACTIONS and not more empty words - then you can get a house together. But you can't count on that. You have to protect yourself above all things.

Plan B is coming along quite nicely, I just think it would be a huge mistake to make any premature moves.

I was getting confused yesterday, allowing him to infiltrate the system. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My goal is to recover today and not feel like such a failure. That makes me want to give up.

I will proceed as if he won't be there as you say Melody. I will work towards staying out of the triangle. I certainly don't want that nightmare again.

The goal will remain to find a house that I like.

I have to remember that all of this is a nightmare that he created. He needs to get out of his mess on his own and not get me involved in it. I know that in some sense that I had the upper hand and he tried to take it from me. I will not give up and will work to get my personal power back. At least, I definitely know now that he wants out of it to some extent. I don't think he has a good answer on how to get himself out of it. I certainly don't want to enable him by increasing his comfort level in his mess. Does this all make sense?

Thanks again for being there, you guys. Sometimes I feel like such a hopeless case. However, I will keep pushing.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He sounds as sincere as can be and is SAYING all the right things. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Didn't he SOUND sincere when he was seeing both you and the OW. Isn't that why you went into Plan B because his sincereness were nothing but lies?

About the expensive house in a GATED AND SECURITY COMMUNITY. Did you ever think that he wants to make sure that OW can't get in so she can't contact you and tell you that he is still seeing her after you took him back? Just a thought.

<small>[ July 22, 2003, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Trying To:

You are right about the questionable sincerity of my WS.

However, I am easily accessible and well-known in the community. There's security on force at my job. She's tried to call me at work before so she can reach me at least by phone. Safety could be a real factor.

I'm so disappointed that my WS got mixed up with such a criminal element. She does reside in a community where there are known drug dealers. I understand she had to visit her last BF in jail. She's a sleaze and a loser, for real. He's in the pig pen getting muddy, smelly and dirty. I'm trying to stay out of it.

Chris was right for a change
Hey now!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Gee, all this haggle of a house which can be resold, kept as rental investment, etc.
Actually, I'd have rented for a time to see how things go before buying a house. That way if your marriage works out, you could look for a new home together!
But that's my thinking and as Mortarman pointed out, it's not always on track. LOL
Reading his post and how his plan worked, i'd say he really knows how to work the plan.
The house is another issue altogether.
I'm very grateful we leased a home once where we were planning to buy because we found later that neither liked it there!
Why must you buy right away Mimi?
I fully understand the privilege of owning and no one can dictate rules. But it should only be for a short interim.
Give it some thought. But at the very least if you buy there, you can always make improvements and resell for a profit perhaps. Rentals are a pain in the A$$ to own!
There are options on how you move and where you live without buying so quickly.
LouLou