Mimi,

I am glad you found a house you like and are moving forward! I predict it won't be much longer until your DH breaks things off and starts planning to come home.

I hope your boy is doing well. It is so hard on teenagers!

New Branch,

Please see my thread "Plan B x 2..." and you'll see more info on the planned trip.

BTW, I won't have any opportunity to interfere with the trip. H doesn't live here, only works here. OW has made all the plans, has all the tix, etc.

But pop on over to the other thread and read more. He's going to meet her family!!!!!!!!!!!11

mimi...

I agree with you NOT assisting with writing the no contact letter..

Too many times it just feeds in to continued contact between the WS and OP as they hash out the BS's input in too the letter ..

Often spun in to riduculous musings of how controlling and short leashed the BS is...AS IF

And you don't need a no contact letter between you and the OW>..you already are in no contact with her... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

No contact with the OP is not some out-there unrealistic demand...it is the most reasonable thing with a WS that WANTS to reconcile...

stay out of that part...be above it...
you have said you point on it..continue to reinforce and move on..

ARK

Mimi,

Doesn't WS have a copy of SAA? Can't you refer him to SAA for an example of a no contact letter?

I do think it is good for WS to have the Harley example. On their own they don't have much of a clue how to write a no contact letter. We never ended up sending my WS's, but he did write one and showing him the SAA example was helpful.

hope the move is going well...

One thing I wanted to say-

I know that you don't want to date. I also know that MB is against the idea of dating while separated and there are valid ideas for that.

I think your WS is very comfortable with you sitting tight and waiting for him. Maybe the new house will jolt him out of his complacency and he will break off with OW to join you there and mark his turf. Or maybe not.

I could be wrong, and I don't advise dating per se, but I think that your WS needs to feel a little worried that while he is off with OW, you are after all, an attractive female who may be subject to male attention. If he feels very secure that you are waiting for him, he will take his sweet time.

When my H was thinking about leaving, I made it clear that if he left, I would not be sitting at home on Saturday nights twiddling my thumbs. I told him that he was the man I wanted to be with, but if he wanted to be with someone else, I would try to carry on (despite the heartbreak). After all, isn't that a consequence? If he did divorce me, he would have to contend with the fact that I might meet another man, and his kids might have a step father at some point.

A girlfriend invited me to go out to a disco with her (this was when the A was in full swing)- I got all dolled up and went out. It freaked my H out! He had it planned that he would spend his summer "exploring OW" and figured I would twiddle my thumbs until he got back. A big motivator (among many) for him in breaking things off with OW was he was terrified another man would move in on his turf while he was away and he didn't want to risk that happening.

That was my experience. I never dated, but I made it clear that if WS was off with OW, I would be out and about. I should add that my WS is a very jealous man. His ego could not have handled me having an affair- it's lucky that I was not the WS, I think he would have been destroyed by it.

The key is to stimulate a little jealousy without making your WS think that you are actively looking for someone. In the beginning of the A, they can use that to justify their behavior "She doesn't care about me, she'll easily find another guy, so I should follow my love to OW".

However, after a long period of time of fence sitting, the BS can commmunicate "I am waiting for you, and I believe in our marriage, but it is lonely so I need to go out and keep busy while you are with OW. And gee, I met a bunch of nice people the other day..." Let your WS's mind fill in the blanks.

I would try to shake up your WSs world a bit without necessarily dating. For example, if you meet a man at an event somewhere mention it to WS. Let him worry that you might date the guy, or that the guy might hit on you. He might even say "Is this guy hitting on you?" and you innocently say, "no, he was just being friendly, knowing I was on my own... I wouldn't be interested in him, after all I am married..."

This may not work for you as a concept Mimi and if so I completely understand it. I am just sharing my own experience... others may find that my personal tactic does not work for them, and I do believe each one of us needs to customize our tactics to our own personality and situation.

Hey guys,

Come by and say hello even though I don't have much drama right now. I still need to hear from you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Are you doing ok? How is the packing going?

Hey, my DH has come up with a new cute Man trick that I thought I would share. He HATES capri pants on women. So, when I asked him if my "butt looks fat" in these pants, to my shock, he said YES! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I figured out that he is telling me I look fat so I won't wear them! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> MEN!

Hola Mimi .... don't be lonely, we're here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And Mel, yanno, I love those capri pants. I have several pairs. And *I KNOW* your butt does NOT look big in them.

Hey, a thought ... are you supposed to NOT wear them in that you would then be meeting your DH's EN of "NO CAPRI PANTS"? Hmmmm, I wonder ....

Steve Harley???? What say you?

Lv,
Jo

Hi, Not much drama here either.
Just had all my kids here for dinner, a rare treat for me. 16 yr. old S treated us to Lobsters! 18 yr. old S came for it, Of course! WH called while they were all here! I answered, he just asked for 12 yr.old S to ask about thursdays Yankee Game and to get a phone # of friend taking him to Red Sox tomorrow. I guess he wants to try to hook up outside Fenway to give him some $. He talked to each of the boys but did not ask for 4 yr. old D.
I wish I knew what goes on in that man's head!
I wonder if he is really happy?

I'm very busy packing and unpacking. But I am nesting. I love it. Plus, I love my house. It is so beautiful and so fun to decorate. It has really given me a needed lift.

I had a long talk today with a FWH, husband of a friend of mine. I had not been aware that they had had that problem. It was very interesting. He talked about mid-life crisis, seemed to have my WH down to a tee. Laughed when I showed him the clothes still in the closet. FWH said: "He always planned on coming back home; you got out there too far when you sold the house and he had to reel you back in." This is the same Steve Harley theory. FWH also said that WS is probably trying to get OW to break up with him to lessen the drama of him doing the breakup. FWH predicts the OW is being very demanding now; thus, it's no longer any "fun" for WH. She wants to go out,bring her daughter over to the condo, him to make a commitment, etc. So what WS is probably doing now is saying No to her demands and she is pouting.

So, I confess. I checked it out and did a driveby. She does seem to be home tonight. All lights on, her car in the driveway. It was just curiosity, guys. I'm not obsessing about it. I promise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Onward with packing/unpacking.

By the way, Mel, I wore capris on the day of my office encounter. WS is a butt man and it is one of my best body features. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 09, 2003, 09:18 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Well, Mimi, if he wants her to do the breakup, why not give her a reason? Gee, couldn't he be seen loving on you, hugging, kissing, having a nice romantic dinner for two at his condo?
Of course, this doesnt' fit with the no contact theory of plan B?
I'd think all he has to do is allow her to see him two timing her and it would hit the fan!
Or he could have a bouquet of flowers ready to deliver personally, with the card attached and let her see them standing in his home?
Oops, he could turn red faced and say, sorry you saw those. I'm sure she'd think they were for her and rush to see the card? LOL I'm so dirty minded!
there must be a zillion ways for him to turn her off by allowing her to find him coming on to you!
Too bad Steve won't allow this. You could certainly put the bug in H ear?
Heck, even if you snuck over and knew she'd drive by, you could act like you were just leaving from an overnight stay? Do you know here schedule? When she drives by or is out? your hair must be mussed and all dreamy look on face too. LOL wear something very sexy also! Gosh, I'm daydreaming here on revenge!
LouLou

Hi Mimi - Seems you got your computer unpacked real quick, LOL! Is this your first night in your new house? Just curious, what did you do with WH's condo furniture, move it or leave it? Is your youngest son with you, or still away? How's he doing? And the older one?

It's interesting what the FWH friend of yours said. Your WH left his clothes because he always knew he'd be back. Then you rocked his world by selling the house, so he had to re-connect with you before you got too far away. One of the WS's that posts here said the same thing, leaving stuff at the house keeps the connection, a safety net for returning, and panic sets in when the BS seems to be moving on. My WH left a lot of his stuff here, too. He took his golf clubs, though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Mimi, it seems that your WH is close to ending his A. Have you thought about what your conditions for his return are? Obviously NC with OW, but, for example, will you suggest that he live separately from you until you and he have a chance to work out some of your issues? My IC suggested that, I think it would be a good idea in my case. It's good to read others' posts about their recoveries, things to watch for, awkward moments, etc. I hope you get there, Mimi. Just be sure to keep writing here, OK?

Well, good night, sweet dreams in you new home.

Lablady

Hi Mimi

Any news or developments?

S.

I'm more than 90% sure that something is going to happen within the next couple of weeks.

WS is making very significant baby steps like leaving stuff for me from his condo such as plants/cleaning supplies at the back door of my new house. Wants me to go look at the "perfect diamond" at the jewelry store (Colby Bryant syndrome <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )"for our new beginning, it will mean a lot", he says. I haven't done that; I say he has to "get rid of her first" before thinking about the jewelry. He says that "sh%#^$& is going to hit the fan" real soon; son and I need to be on our guard. Says he's "resolved" this time to "end it for good"; that he had to really be "out there" to learn. Wants me to "believe" him. I say, "I'll believe it when I see it" and that's how I really feel at this point.

When and if he ends it, I predict that she will be very upset. She thought she had it made. Big-time man in the community with financial stability; thought she would be the new "wifey".

I mostly "listen" in very minimal phone conversations, trying to make sure not to meet ENs but continuing to provide the "olive branch". He does seem different, more repentant than last time. However, I'll believe it when I see it.

To those who have asked, he will need to come live with me once there is NC. He cannot be provided with the temptation to return to the condo to meet with her. It's their love nest, cave shutting them off from the rest of the world. I predict some sick stuff went on in there. He calls it his "albatross". I am insisting that the condo be rented. He supposedly has gotten a rental agreement form and is trying to lease the condo. That's why he is clearing it out.

I'm proceeding with my unpacking. What a job! I'm exhausted!

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

You are about to be another MB success story. You are doing great!!

Good job on balancing not meeting ENs while at the same time giving the olive branch (what I call the transition period).

Stick to your guns. I see probably three weeks, if he gets the condo rented. If he does, then the end of the month, he will be out of there.

Be ready though. Start gearing up for the recovery. This recovery stuff is harder than Plan A & B. Start learning about that process.
Remember, it isnt JUST NC with OW. It is also WH agreeing to working on the relationship, doing the 4 things the Harleys talk about, seeing a counselor, etc. The will be a lot of hard work, and it will be much easier if both of you are working at it together.

Like I said...hang tough. He is starting to surrender, it appears. But until he does, as you put it, then nothing has changed. But I think for you, this nightmare is now coming to an end.

In His arms.

A major point to consider prior to begining recovery ... HE gets a complete as possible STD check.

Otherwise, no go.

I strongly urge you to make this one of your cement-firm not gonna return until this is complete boundaries.

The humiliation of doing this be damned.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Mimi, glad things are moving right along. I thought deadline was Aug. 15th? So I've been reading and watching here.
Is he trying to lease or rent out condo himself? Or couldn't the property manager do it there for him?
That way he could walk sooner!
Makes no difference where he is, he can answer phone and show it by appt?
And you got good advice about the STD testing. for both of you right away!
God bless and keep on keeping on. LouLOu

Of course, he's changed the date until after Thursday. Says he has to do a sales presentation to a group that OW supposedly knows about and supposedly does not want a scene.

Also, wants to be seen in public together at son's first football game tonight. He says for son's sake,of course. Son has been clear and direct about wanting and needing to see parents together in the stands rooting for him. Haven't made up my mind about this.

<small>[ August 15, 2003, 11:58 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I thinking of you Mimi, things are looking good for you. NW

I was invited to the CONDO!!!!

I went.

I don't care. Go ahead and beat me over the head. I could not pass this up. This was a big move. I had to see the scene of action for myself. It was VERY INTERESTING!!!! WS knows me well. This was a piece of the puzzle that I was dying to get filled it. There was always so much mystique about this CONDO!!! I did not want this to end without having the chance to visit. It was like he wanted to make it real for me. Or, was he trying to put me in the place where she has been in order to make it real for him?? Very interesting. I have not figured this all out. What do you guys think? This is WS' desperation at trying to convince me that he is sincere this time although he has not "gotten rid of her" COMPLETELY.

I can certainly see why PLAN B worked--while it lasted. (I'm such a failure at it.) There are no feminine touches, no hominess. The only furniture is the bedroom suite. Appropriate, I guess. So OW did not put her mark on the place? There's no sign of her whatsoever. No clothes in the drawers, in the closets, nothing. Maybe he cleared her stuff out before I came. It's a depressing place to me with just the bare necessities of life. No wonder he became panicked when he lost his HOME.

Mimi, you went, you saw. Now drop contact with him completely until he does this with OW.
He's had time, more than enough. There is not a big deal or secret in getting rid of people. It's simply a matter of saying, "You are history to me and I never want to see or hear from you again"!
I am happy for your move and your new home.
Your plan has done well, but it's not over until it's over. And he seems to be procrastinating in the worst way!
It sure didn't take him weeks or months to move out of his home with you did it?
he has already gone beyond is promise of Aug 15th!
I am somewhat concerned at his lagging and stalling this process. In fact, it gives me a very bad gut feeling to say the least.
How you and others endure the waiting is beyond me. I commend you all for that.
But enough is enough, and are you doing this on his terms? The ending it should be on your terms now!
Others are going to flame me, I know. But I'm just speaking for myself.
He'd have 48 hours now and his choice would be final. If he's too afraid to face her, then go with him and hear him tell her she's done with!
BTW, vacant properties sell everyday so if he's done with OW, why stay in condo now? Absence of her things is not proof of anything. There is always her home to visit!
Sorry, but I guess I'm on a tangent tonight. I just hate the wishy washy unfaithful who keep everything hanging in mid air and can't make a move to finalize it.
He gives you a date and hope things are going to be over with, then he goes past the due date and still has not written her off?
LouLou