Good luck Mimi! You have worked hard. A few more days, and you will see which way your life is to go.

You are a different woman because of all of this. Keep your hard fought and hard won positive changes that you have made.

When he does send NC, it is time for a recovery agreement (what my wife and I didnt do...that is why we are starting with Steve Harley this week...it was a major mistake to have her home and not have a roadmap to recovery). And make him stick to it.

It will be too easy to let him home, and then just try to make things "normal" again. And then the counseling will stop. And then normal will lead right back where you were.

When he first comes home is the GREATEST opportunity to start things off right. You sent a PBL to him. It said NC. It also said that if he came home, that there would have to be counseling and a plan...right? Well, just because he came home and issued a NC to the OW...do not use that as an excuse to let off your other conditions. That was my biggest mistake and is why primarily that we have floundered the last couple of months. I think Steve wil get us going again later this week (me on Wed, my wife on Friday).

Good luck and keep it up.

In His arms.

Mimi, I am anxious for you.This week will be one of anticipation.
The OW in his life is a mental case,just as the FOW from my H's life was and he expects trouble. He has gotten himself in a mess,along with the addiction to her.
You are doing things right and there are many who are telling you good things.Mortarman....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it was a major mistake to have her home and not have a roadmap to recovery). And make him stick to it.

It will be too easy to let him home, and then just try to make things "normal" again. And then the counseling will stop. And then normal will lead right back where you were.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish for you a M that is wonderful and blessed!
I am hoping for the best for you,Mimi.kk

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Nothing new to report this morning but I want to stay on the first page!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm trying to stay calm, cool and collected.

Voice Mail Info:

WS rented his condo today. He says: "I finally got everything taken care of at the condo this morning."

WS asked me to request second Friday in September off from my boss. I guess I can ask for the day off even if I don't take it. WS doesn't have to know that I went ahead and put in the request.

Mimi, I'll have you in prayers, definitely!
I hope you are going to get to see the NC letter and also proof it's delivered. I would certainly want that much.
His attitude about the ultimatum was normal, but it's his way of trying to keep total control which he no longer can and salvage marriage with you.
The positive changes you've made in you? KEEP THEM!
I know if we go back to our old selves, it starts all over again.
You like how you feel now, how you are and know that you have some control which is a good feeling.
The new you will more likely keep him on his toes and in line better than before.
We have to show some independence or get taken for granted.You've come along way and done very well.
When we appear so co-dependent, they tend to take too much for granted and walk all over us.
Big difference between showing someone you want them in your life, and letting them know you desperately need them in life!
Show the want, hide the need part!
Blessings, LouLou

Mimi,

My heart is going pitter-patter. The anxiety is killing me. Can't imagine what you are going thru.

Now, question. I just posted something on my thread about this. Are you going to let your WH come right back immediately to your home or are you going to force him into some "time out" to really, really think about things?

I am thinking mine won't come right back if/when he thinks he is ready. Did that last time and it failed. I somehow think that there is a problem with allowing a WH to leave the comfort of the OW and come right back to the comfort of his W and home. Where is the cooling off period? Where is the introspection? Where is there time to really decide that is a commitment, not just a choice between two persons, two lifestyles?

I know you said your H has no where else to go, and believe me, I am the last one to give advice here, but have you considered just having him rent a room at a motel for some to-be-defined period of time, to read, to collect his thoughts, to be totally alone? Think about it. Our WHs haven't been alone. First they had us, then they had the cake period when they had BOTH of us. Now they give up OW and expect to have us again. I think they need time to ponder on this and decide not only that they want us, but that they want MARRIAGE and FIDELITY.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts. Rank amateur that I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

P.S. Keeping your thread on Page 1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

After fuming yesterday about ultimatums, he gave me a date of September 12th. Well, I know that is a ways off from the promise of the end of this week but it is a date. He respected me!!! He realized he could not get me to back down!!

For many different reasons, I need to let him come live with me, IS GIRL and LABLADY. It's a new house, a new beginning. It's a house he had some part in choosing. Domestic tranquility is a high need of his. Plus I have to stand my the PBL. That was not one of the conditions. Plus, he is highly addicted, wants to spend as much time as possible with me after NC. Many different reasons....

I'm probably rationalizing but we really had, at least, 20 plus wonderful years together before all of this. I think my WS is having a midlife crisis. Just like me, he has never really lived alone. Straight from the college dorm to marriage. I'm not sure he is able to do that now at age 50 along with the struggle of going through withdrawal.

He's not even back yet. He's still involved with her. He's still under the influence. Anything can change. All of this may be talking too soon. Going back to PLAN B MODE........

Nothing new to report this morning but I want to stay on the first page!!!
It's ALWAYS gotta be about you, doesn't it Mimi??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

He bought himself another 2 weeks?

Stringing you along some more.

And then when Sept 12 gets close maybe he can toss out another date.

This is why you need to be STRICTLY PLAN B. Don't let him toy with you like this.

LEX;
I'm still going completely dark if it's not by this Sunday.

The date of September 12th continues to be his agenda. I'm not exactly happy about it. I know what his game is.

Chris:

I acknowledged being a SPOILED BRAT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Here's a wicked little thought .... (hee-hee-hee)

Sept 11th (a date that will live in infamy) call him...

.... tell him YOU need 1 more week. You're "not ready".

Just see what happends....

Pep

PS .... I don't mean to harp on you .... but STD testing should NOT be an option, but a FIRM boundary. He was with a "wild woman" ... believe me, there are so many viruses and bacteria around, and many do not have symptoms right away.

Actually PEP, you are so brilliant! I'm not really sure that I am ready. I know it's going to be a long, hard struggle. I'm kind of enjoying my time alone. I don't want it to be indefinite, though.

Yes, checking for STDs for sure. August is time for my annual. Actually, now that I think of it, last year I had some weird infection thing requiring meds. Dr. did not tell me it was a STD. Now I know why and that it probably was. YUK!!!!

Mimi,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LEX;
I'm still going completely dark if it's not by this Sunday.

The date of September 12th continues to be his agenda. I'm not exactly happy about it. I know what his game is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, what are you going to DO about it? Go dark and wait until the 12th? Stay the way you are going, and wait until the 12th?

Mimi, you drew the line in the sand. Now, you will be prepared to draw a different line, as you have done so many times before (I am not jumping on you...I did many of the same things!). You told him, yourself, and us that this weekend was it. So make it be it!

If he has not sent NC letter and done the other things you have asked, then come Monday, you should completely shut down. BASOLUTELY NO CONTACT FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! Dont tell him what you are doing or going to do. You have already told him that Sunday is the deadline. Well, that is the deadline! He does not get to set it.

Your husband is close to getting his act together. But you will hurt that effort if you allow him to push you around on this. He will lose respect for you!

Hold the line! He is the one surrendering, not you. He doesnt get to negotiate the terms of surrender. Negotiation happens after the OW is gone and he is back in the marriage. Until then, you set the terms.

So, the 12th is a non-starter. And between now and this Sunday, since you already have limited contact with him, I would tell him so. Maybe send him a revised PBL re-stating that this Sunday is the final date. There wil be no more future dates for Mimi to wait for. Tell him or write to him. Talk to him, even...as long as you are just talking about the terms of surrender. Once you reach Sunday, then it is COMPLETELY dark for you. No mailing PBLs. No more explanations to him. No more listening to his excuses.

He is an addict trying to make his way back. You cant help him until he gets back. He is right at the end...dont let him down and stop his progress. You hold that man to his word! And you keep yours!

In His arms.

Mimi,
Just want you to know that I've been following and I'm pulling for you. This can't be easy, knowing it's probably right around the corner but still...
Take care, S

I'm getting depressed now. I'm sorry I told you about the date. I had to give a date to my boss to get off. I'm getting fed up with this crap and want to give up. It seems like I can't do anything right. I feel like meeting with my WS and saying forget it. HELP ME!!!! I'm confused and losing it now.

You seem to feel like he is playing me and to me he seems sincere. Who do I believe? You guys who I don't know or a man I have loved for 30 years?

I'm struggling and doing the best that I can. I feel like you guys are ganging up against me. What's wrong with wanting to believe in him some?

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Mimi,

Settle down. You are okay. Really! look at what you just wrote. Is that what you told Now What on his thread? Or others you have posted to?

You KNOW this is an addiction. it will take a LONG time for him to fully get over it. Of course you want to believe him, to believe in him again. And you will! But, you must understand that he has not entered rehab yet. He is still addicted, and still with OW. He is close to doing the right thing. And you are excited about that because everything you have dreamt and worked for is right there for the taking.

But it isnt. You will have to wait on him. You cannot speed it up, nor can you love him into it. He is where he is at PRECISELY because you stood up for yourself, got a life, and moved forward. Oh, and went dark!

We are NOT ganging up on you. We are trying to support you, to help stiffen your resolve to finish this. I give a lot of advise here. But sometimes, it takes people like JL, Coffeeman, and a host of others to help me DO what I already know I should do. It is hard when it is right in front of you.

You do want to believe in him! Mimi, he IS sincere. but you just read my post on addictions on another thread. He may be sincere, but that still doesnt help him move anywhere. Just like that addict is sincere about not being an addict.

Of course you dont know us. And you dont know the Harleys or James Dobson...or any of the other experts. But, understand this...that husband of yours of 30 years is no different than my wife of 10 years. They got into an affair. They got hooked. And it took a full Plan B to get them out of it. Your husband has followed the WS script to a tee.

It is like I said on another post I had...each person is different. But there are some things that are the same. We might all react differently to our hands touching something hot (yell, cry, cuss, say nothing, etc) but we all pull our hands away from the flame. Your husband is no different than most WSs. You sometimes have trouble seeing that...as I did with my wife. My wife came home in April and I thought that she didnt need a withdrawal period from the OM. Well, guess what? She did. All WSs do.

So Mimi, this advice is all tempered by what the experts say. We are all trying to follow the MB script, which has been proven to work. And we try to keep you focused on your goal. Before you let your husband down by not keeping your word.

There is no problem telling us the date. You should have. It is how we can help you keep what you KNOW you must do. You are the closest on this board to getting to recovery. But, if you dont finish Plan B, if you dont keep your word...your husband will lose respect for you...and he will have even more trouble doing the right thing.

We are here for you...he is not right now. He will be if you will just trust the experts, lean on your friends...and wait on God.

In His arms.

So do I meet with him and look him straight in the face and ask him if he is playing me and tell him that I will not tolerate this anymore? That's what I am wanting to do. I don't know why I'm feeling that way right this minute. It's because I was happy about the date and now I feel like I was fooled. I feel so stupid.

I want to talk to him. What exactly do I say???

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Hi MIMI , I only posted to you a couple of times , but follow everyday . I think you have done a great job and I can relate to your confusion right now , as can others .

Everyone may have a different take on what should come at this point . I agree you know him best . No date is really going to matter JMVHO .

When he feels he did it his way to a degree is when he will come home , not before then no matter what .

I know what everyone here is saying is great advice and so do you ,,, But theres that part that lingers that YOU know this man . Your not nieve to the game if you want to call it that you just understand him .

For most its a no brainer , tell the B!TCH good bye , see ya , ect.

But your WH is choosing to end this his way on his time line .

MINE did the same exact thing .

can't write bye

Don't call Mimi!!!!

Your silence says it louder.

Pep