Dearest Mimi ~~~

Seeing "the real her" (nutty-slutty OW) is actually the easy part.

Seeing "the real himself" (the lying cheating WS) is not gonna be so easy.

Hold onto yourself Mimi .... "the dawn" is not exactly what you might be expecting. The dawn actually begins a new a struggle with his own ego and pride.

He will be missing the parts of himself he shed in order to allow himself the A. It can be awful for awhile. But, it is really a joy to be there when he "gets himself back." But, he may not be "there" for you, because he's not "there" for himself.... yet.

I am saying this to encourage you (although it might not sound so encouraging right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

Recovery is tough .... remember? Well, he's not going to be a picnic when he starts to really look into that mirror. You're going to find yourself standing tall after discovering yourself during Plan A. .... and your H is behind you in as far as self examination goes. There might be only one healthy adult in the M for awhile.

Sometimes, it hits the WS like a ton of bricks. "Who the hell am I? I don't even like myself!"

You are shining like a STAR Mimi!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ September 02, 2003, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

((((((((((((((((BUMP)))))))))))))))))

You were on the 2nd page. So here is a bump for you mimi. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am following your post in hope that it maybe me one day being that close.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> A girl can dream. They can't take that!

Quick Update: Plan is for WS to pick me up at 8:30 in the morning with the letter and we are on our way. He wanted me to meet him at the gym tonight. I said No. He said: "I guess you have things to do to get ready." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My Question: He wants to do Husband/fatherly things this weekend such as take car to my college son-car got repaired after his wreck. He also wants to go to son's college football game on Saturday. What is the psychology behind this? Here I was planning a wild, romantic weekend. He's putting me in that mother/wifey role again which he resented. Is this a set-up? Is he trying to be the GOOD GUY again? Or should I not worry about it. He certainly wouldn't be doing such things with the OW this weekend.

What are your thoughts??

Mimi

I do not personally think you should be having a 'wild,romantic' time with him. I hope I'm not being too stereotypically male here, but to me that means ending up with sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The message that gives me is: I've been waiting for you to come back and its great to have you.

I know you have been waiting, but remember there are conditions associated with him coming back and the plan B letter is only one. I would be inclined to take things more slowly. What he is proposing sounds alright to me, and the 'clincher' is in your line about how he certainly wouldn't be doing it with the OW.

My advice: Go with what he has suggested, but try and put in something over the course of the weekend that you would like too. You have done most of the hard work in breaking up the A, but the reconciliation will be hard too and you need to take small carefully measured steps.

Good luck.

What I mean is that I want to have FUN for a change. I'm so tired of working. Working on the plan, working on moving, working on setting up the house.

Taking son the car, going to the football game, etc. seems like more of the WORK of motherhood which I had to do on my own while he was gone. It seems that everyone wants to keep me in that role and I want to be a WOMAN.

MIMI, I hear where your coming from, I kind of would be disappointed also .

I think he lead you to belive it was a "YOU & HIM" type of thing going down this week end .

If I read write didn't he send yo9u a voice mail a week ago saying tell S we can't make his game or is that something you assumed?

You know some times its not others that put US into that WIFE/MOTHER role , its what we may have portraying to others for so long . OUR family / H is the thing I live for .

I know I did I use to say I am happy being HIS WIFE and a mother.
But after the A I realized (while he was gone) I was wrong for that , I am a women , I want to be sexy, flirted with (by H) I want to be drooled over again , romantic, dance live laugh get drunk act stupid ect.

I to wanted HIM to stop looking at me and treating me LIKE JUST A WIFE / MOTHER .

He hated that pre-a that I did nothing but think of myself as that .

BUT weird is when he came home , the first thing he did was the all together FAMILY outings , kids all the time .

I had to stand up and say some thing and show it .

JMVHO - I know your dark until you leave tomorrow , but I would call him on this , you don't want this to be a sign of whats to come if its not what you want .

I would say it sounds nice US seeing Sons game , but I hope you have something else palned as well cause I am really looking forward to a FUN type of weekend with 2 adults .

Again sorry if I am off the mark , maybe you ment something else all together , just my 2 cents .

Have fun , and enjoy , with what ever happens , be thinking of ya .

3:
I mignt talk to him.

Both my sons play football. We will miss young son's game who lives in town. The older son plays college football out of town.

Thanks for understanding. We have the same POV.

Hey Mimi,

Expectations will bite you on the hiney every time.

If your husband really means this recovery, it means he is choosing you and his family - but it doesn't mean that he feels romantically inclined.

My recovery with my husband started with family stuff...getting used to each other again slowly. Part of the affair meant that he neglected the family, and thats the part he started fixing first.

I think it was probably 6-9 months into recovery before there was much in the way of romance or sex.

I'm not saying you cant go have fun or shouldn't ask for it....but your husband has some withdrawing and adjusting to do and he might not be in that spot yet.

Thanks so much, Bramblerose.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense.

He does seem sincere this time. Compared to last time, he is extremely remorseful, saying how sorry he is to have done this to me, etc. I need to at least be thankful for that.

thinking of you, mimi. Not checking in so much- but I see you are getting excellent advice from Pepper and others.

And by the way, you were masterful with your gas station story... I think that this is simply a "consequence" for WS- that they should be aware of. If they leave their spouse on their own, in order to go off with OP, said spouse may get hit on, and if they leave their spouse alone for too long, said spouse may meet someone else and date. Sorry, folks but that is reality.

I hope you are off with WS now for that weekend, NC letter sent... I agree with others that "family" time is OK right now. That is what he lost from going to OW. I read once in Wallerstein that men who divorce lose an important role in their life, that of "Head of Household". I think going to the football game is a small attempt on his part in reclaiming that role. I would enjoy that for the moment- you will have time for romance later. Frankly, he may be sick of romance right now- he went for that with OW and look where it got him. Friendship, caring, laughing, family and closeness may mean more to him now.

thinking of you and hoping all goes well.

Espoir:

Your post was helpful and meant loads to me as usual. Thanks!!!!

Last message from him tonight: "I look forward to seeing you tomorrow."

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Duh, I was going to post but forgot my promise.
So I won't say anything but have fun.
God bless, LouLou

Good luck Mimi. I'm happy for you!

NW

Mimi, we are here for you no matter what happens. Please keep us posted!

Mimi,

Hoping and praying this is a rewarding and productive weekend.

We await your recap...hopeful and believing this can and will work!

ISG

Guys:

I have so much to report. I don't even know where to begin. Will share the highlights.

There was lots of drama on Friday. WS did not change his cell no. after OW got NC letter. She did not comply with it and started calling him right away, leaving 11 voicemail messages which he listened to. I think he must have wanted to know what her response would be. He shared most of them with me. She failed his test. She said awful things like "I will be F%%^^% tonight; I will destroy you,etc." I did hear him call some of his business associates to warn them that she might call. He did finally change the number so that there's no way now for her to reach him. He has closed his old office and does not have voicemail. Now he will have to call her to make contact.

For me, life is 10 times better like this, with him, than it was in PLAN B. I feel more complete.

He seems like himself. Does not seem to be in withdrawal like he was last time. Says that he began to withdraw from her about a month ago. He does not know our lingo...Plan B, etc. Wants me to know that the key was getting to spend more time with her. He states he realized how she really is and it astounded him. Things like how she cursed at her mother, how she treated her daughter, how narcissistic she is, how she liked the abnormality of their relationship and on and on. This indicates the value and importance of PLAN B, guys. There was lots of this talk about her on Friday. No discussion of her on Saturday. That was good because I had a hard time holding back on making negative remarks about her. When I did yesterday, it was a mistake. I could tell he wanted to take up for her. Not because of caring for her but because of the bad reflection it is on him to have been with such a sleazy, awful person. That's been hard for me to come to terms with. The H that I knew to have a relationship with a person like her.

He described the R as being like an ADDICTION . He actually used this word. He states that's why he went back last time. He liked the feeling that the A gave him. When I tried to talk to him about how difficult withdrawal would be, he claims to have already begun work on the withdrawal and wants me to have confidence in him that he can do it. There's a real issue of wanting me to believe in him, that he has made a decision to be with his family, that he is committed to his marriage, etc. We will see...

He continues to be very much sexually attracted to me. That has definitely not been a problem. One of her messages to him though, little does she know, was "You'll be thinking about me when you are with her". I think it was probably the other way around. He liked the admiration that she provided. I have to work on being able to authentically meet that need. That's the main one that I will have problems with and the main one that I think she provided. I learned that she also recently goofed though by buying him a hair rejuvenation kit in response to his balding. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> He said that he was really insulted by that. He realizes now that much of her admiration of him was phony.

Yesterday he did fess up to how he felt that he was not "authentic" in trying to be such a GOOD GUY. I guess he wanted to experiment with being BAD and being around BAD people. In talking about our RECOVERY PLAN, one of his main goals is staying away from "BAD PEOPLE".

He wanted to do family stuff this weekend as indicated before. Be the good guy again? It went really well, though. We thoroughly enjoyed going to our son's football game and then took son out to dinner yesterday. H spent alot of time talking to son.

Now begins work on H adjusting to living in the new home with me. It's kind of awkward. I'm glad though that it is a house that he feels comfortable in living in. That was a good decision.

Will post more later.

Thanks for being there for me over the past months. I will continue to need you. I realize that a lot of important and essential work is just beginning.

<small>[ September 08, 2003, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Oh, Mimi, You don't know how happy I am for you!!
Keep up the good work, the road to recovery may have some bumps but you'll get through it!
I'm starting the D process today. WH not supporting us and anger is out of control. Check out my thread if you get a chance. Recovery time takes precedent though!!
I'll be watching!

Mimi, this is wonderful news! It sounds like he is really committed this time. I see no red flags here at all. Doubly nice is that he seems to understand the psychology of the affair and knows where he stands.

How hard it must be for you to sit there and say nothing about the OW. It is more than promising that he already sees her in a very negative light. That will probably get much worse the farther he gets from this.

Does she know how to get ahold of you?

great news!

well done Mimi for travelling this difficult road and getting so far. You still have hard work to do but you have reached a big milestone.

I feel proud of you if that doesn't sound crazy about someone you've never seen or met!

You are giving all of us in this awful position hope.

S.

Mimi, congratulations! I'm happy things are turning around and the light is coming through for your H.
As for Ow hurting him, if necessary, put a Restraining order against her and see if it can include calling his clients, trying to harm his work.
I'm sure this will fade with time though, and most people who transact business with your H couldn't care less as they already obviously know and like him. Other than they would hate her harrassing them.
Sounds like your H took great care in closing his office, and now changing cell number.
Glad you picked a home that you both will enjoy and feel comfortable in.
You did a great job on all this Mimi. You have much strength in you. I would only wish I could be as strong as you've been and able to follow all the successful rules.
I'd have a hard time not knocking OW. You truly are a great lady!
LouLou