This weekend was rough. Wife moved out 7/30/03 (still cannot believe that she moved out). This weekend was my son's first bball game. She said she had other plans and could not go. My son was sad, I became angry, told her that he was hurt, she changed plans and came to the game.
Last night she spoke briefly with the kids on the phone I called her back to ask her if she wanted to spend more time with them. She obviously had company (OM) and brushed me off and let me go. She had mentioned once again that she does not want to be with me. It seems as though nothing has changed since 7/30. How much more of this? Four months is a loooong time. When will she realize she is a mother and a wife? I cannot take much more of this. I truly cannot. I know I will snap shortly.

Solon you may as well go into Plan B before your love bank becomes bankrupt which will happen if you continue talking to her.

Solon,

What can when say when you are going through such a traumatic experience. I see it with my own eyes and I can barely believe how a relationship built on love, respect and what I believe was honestly could just change, how could they, we, us, change from one day to another. I read somewhere in MB how the WS have time to get use to the feelings of being away from us, as they new it was coming all along. We had a moment, and afterwards what seems to be a lifetime trying to grasp what has occurred in our families. All I can say is "that is not your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , but as they say an “alien", and I am living proof if you do not head right into a plan B and protect your heart, there won't be anything left.

God <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know it's difficult, I wish I could have done a plan B from the beginning.

Wish you all the luck you so desperately deserve, as we all do!

Marilyn

(((((solon)))))

Okay, take a deep breath. Let it out. Just relax for a minute and think about all that you have read here.

TMCM is absolutely correct! Listen to him as he is an Expert on Plan B. Your love bank is dwindling now by the minute and it's time to do it. Get your letter ready. Post it here if you feel you want other people to critique it for you. I am not in Plan B yet, and I'm hoping I won't have to do it. From where I stand, though, I really feel that is your best bet right now.

Keep posting. There are wonderful people here that are ready, willing and able to support you! Hang in there. I'll pray for you!

Thanks Stung,

Please pray for me. That is the only thing that can keep me sane right now. Me and the children miss her. She is 29. I don't know how long she will take to come around, or if ever.

i agree with tmcm. plan B. i can't see another option at present.

but solon, what about Plan B? You didn't reply if you were thinking about it ... are you??

Plan B? It's hard because I have the children. In a way, I have done it since the time she has moved out. We really don't speak or see each other. So I guess, even against me knowing, a plan B has been in place. But there have been times when I did respond to her immediately after she emailed me. I guess I can try to distance myself more. But I love her and knowing that a man is with her is going to kill.

so you've had contact with her -- spoken on the phone and exchanged emails? and you haven't sent her a plan B letter (and sent a copy to the OM), establishing your boundaries? if this is the case, then you're not in plan B.

these things are important. seek tmcm's or mortarman's help with putting together a solid plan B.

but wouldn't a letter setting boundaries kind of me pointless? She has moved out. If I avoid her emails, she really does not call me and to be honest the emails are only about the children, then it is a plan B. The OM has changed his numbers and probably has changed his email too. I don't think I can contact him. I can try to push the children on her, but that will hurt them. They love me and spending time with me. I can NEVER force them to stay with her just to prove a point. Right now she has it easy; a man who takes good care of her children and another man who takes care of her. What more could a woman ask for?

Right now, everything is hinging on him. If he leaves, the fog lifts and she sees the mistake she made. If not, then she continues in this jackleg relationship for who knows how long. And all the while...I'm hurting. :-(

solon:

More 2uestions! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Number a: is the OM M'd? If so, does the OMW know about the A?
Letter 2: Does anyone else know about the A? Family, coworkers, that kind of thing? If not, TELL THEM.

After my D-day, I made the mistake of not telling the OMW. She found out about 5 months after I did. I could have saved myself 5 months, perhaps, by putting the death sentence on the fantasy from day one. Sure, my W would have been tweaked, maybe even left me then (she never did, though), but I believe now that it would have saved some time.

If you do plan B, rather than a remote plan A (via the emails, and stuff), try 2 get a third party that would be willing 2 handle all communication with your WW. It sounds like you're having a tough time being loving when you do talk 2 her right now, so plan B would be a sensible self-protection idea. But get feedback on the letter before you send it. But DEFINITELY send one. Your W needs 2 know the ground rules 2 rebuild your M, if you're going 2 go "dark." If you just stop talking 2 her, she may figure she has no way back even if she wanted one someday.

-ol' 2long

no ... it's not pointless. you establishing your boundaries with her and enforcing no contact are realities she faces if your marriage ends. right now she initiates contact with you as she pleases and on her terms. therefore, no reality.

if you want to protect what love you have for her then must stand up and tell her that, as long as om is in the picture and she is unwilling to abide by your terms for reconciliation, then she is not to contact you for any reason.

all matters involving the children and/or finances are to be handled through an intermediate party -- a relative or friend -- of your choosing (if they're agreeabel to it, of course).

during this time you make all efforts to move on with the rest of your life.

if she wants to come back, then that's awesome. what's more, she understands you have no uncertain terms about what it will take for that to happen. if she doesn't then you've placed yourself in a position to move forward clean.

plan B = no direct contact. plan B is setting your boundaries in clear terms. what you're doing isn't plan B. it's plan M for milquetoast.

<small>[ November 18, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]</small>

solon, get the plan b letter ready today! Everyone here is right, IMHO.

She needs to know that until she ends the A with the other man, you will not have any contact with her. She needs to know that you love her and want her to come back. She needs to know that you are doing this to protect your love for her.

Check out toomuchcoffeeman's stuff. He's great at this. I know this is extremely difficult, but it may be the best shot at getting her to see what it would really be like to have only OM meeting her needs. My bet is he can't meet them all, or as many as you.

I think you also need to do more reading on this site and Surviving an Affair. Really let it sink in. It seems that you're too caught up in your grief and betrayal right now and that's all you're thinking about. If you want your W back, you need to think clearly and strategically. So take a deep breath and prepare your Plan B letter.

I also was totally caught up in the grief and betrayal for at least a month after I found out about A. I couldn't eat, sleep, care for children, go to grocery store, nothing, nothing, nothing. Are you on antidepressants? It may help you.

So ... what do you do?
1. Deep breath
2. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps
3. Read about Plan B
4. Write your Plan B letter
5. Post Plan B letter her if you want other people to check it out.
6. Send Plan B letter to your W, OMW. (If you don't know where OM lives, how 'bout sending to work?)
7. Get your intermediary figured out for contact regarding children, finances, etc.
8. Then you prepare to wait and be strong. No responding to her.

I'm certainly no expert, but I've spent many, many, many hours here reading. I think I've learned a lot. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but DO IT NOW!!!

Keep us posted. We care about you!

Solon,

I agree with all that have written. My W's affair started about the same time as yours. I'm not sure where's its going, but it is going. I'm doing a little better since being in plan B. Stung By a Bee had a good point on reading the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. If you haven't read this book, you should get it now and read it. It explains so much. It will explain what plan A and plan B are and how they effect you and your WW. You can order the book from this site or go to your local bookstore. It is a very important book. It is probably the best written book on affairs. Keep posting. You have a great support group with all of us here....

Solon here's the Plan B letter that Jon (the BH) gave to Sue (the WW) in Harley's 'Surviving An Affair':

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"My Dear Sue.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and creat a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your are seeing Greg.

With my love.

Jon</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jon delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a copy to Greg with a note at the bottom saying:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Wow! Um...this is...a lot to soak in.

Writing her a letter telling her that she is NOT to contact me for any reason unless it's to let me know she wants to come home. Hmmmmmmm. Let her know that I love her and I will always love her, cherish her and adore her, but unless she separates herself from Randy Holloway, I can be in no way part of her life. (wow! that's deep) But what about the kids? I have them the majority of the time, how is she to know about what is going on with them? Bball games? Performances? (they sing in church occasionally) and stuff like that? Just leave her at not knowing? Right now she has them 3 days a week, MTW. This morning the thought did come to mind to not participate in this. The kids WANT to be at home with me ALL the time. I am participating in her adultrous lifestyle by allowing them to be there those three nights. We are NOT divorced. They have a home. WE have a home. She chose to leave the home. Why should I accomdate her by having them over there 3 days? She is free to see them, spend time with them, do all what she did before, I'll never stop her from doing that, but she has chosen to leave. Why should I accomodate her. Anyway, even if I allow that, I should not have to tell her if I pick up the kids early on a, say Tuesday. She will find out when she goes there to get them.

Hmmm. I have to really think this through.

Thanks much.

solon, I read Surviving An Affair in 1 day. It's a very quick read. Also check out Marriage Builders Concepts and Questions & Answers. Click at the top of the page. Tons of great information there also!

You're getting great advice here. Do you understand the Plan B concept and letter better now? I'm praying for you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

And one more thing. In Plan B, she DOES get to see the kids. The point is that you don't have face-to-face contact or verbal contact. That is all done through someone else. Again, back to the point that her OM will need to meet all of her emotional needs.

It's a scary thought...we will still have face-to-face if she decides to include herself in the children's activities. If I do that, should I include that she needs to take herself and one of the children off of my health insurance and get insurance for them herself? Should I make myself dead to her?

Solon Plan B does not guarantee that your WW will end all contact with the OM and want to rebuild the marriage. What Plan B does is it slows down the draining of your love bank so that if she does indeed want to reconcile with you, then you will have enough left for the hardest part which is the beginning of marital recovery. Don't kid yourself that marital recovery is a piece of cake, just go over and read all the stories of BS's and FWS's trying to rebuild their marriages. Plainly speaking, marital recovery is a lot harder than the ongoing affair. Without enough love units in your love bank, your heart will not be into rebuilding your marriage, and will eventually opt for divorce. And even if your marriage does end, you will have been better off having done Plan B because you will know that you did everything in your power to save your marriage. You will be able to move on with your life without being haunted with doubts or second thoughts. The same cannot be said for your WW.

Oh, and by the way, I did expose her affair. I told many at our church (which is why she does not attend the church anymore), I told her mother (who says that she does not know if she believes that because she told her that there is no other man), I told all of my family. This is why she has removed herself from everyone we know, save Randy and her single friend who can care less either way.