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This weekend was rough. Wife moved out 7/30/03 (still cannot believe that she moved out). This weekend was my son's first bball game. She said she had other plans and could not go. My son was sad, I became angry, told her that he was hurt, she changed plans and came to the game.
Last night she spoke briefly with the kids on the phone I called her back to ask her if she wanted to spend more time with them. She obviously had company (OM) and brushed me off and let me go. She had mentioned once again that she does not want to be with me. It seems as though nothing has changed since 7/30. How much more of this? Four months is a loooong time. When will she realize she is a mother and a wife? I cannot take much more of this. I truly cannot. I know I will snap shortly.

Solon you may as well go into Plan B before your love bank becomes bankrupt which will happen if you continue talking to her.

Solon,

What can when say when you are going through such a traumatic experience. I see it with my own eyes and I can barely believe how a relationship built on love, respect and what I believe was honestly could just change, how could they, we, us, change from one day to another. I read somewhere in MB how the WS have time to get use to the feelings of being away from us, as they new it was coming all along. We had a moment, and afterwards what seems to be a lifetime trying to grasp what has occurred in our families. All I can say is "that is not your wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , but as they say an “alien", and I am living proof if you do not head right into a plan B and protect your heart, there won't be anything left.

God <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I know it's difficult, I wish I could have done a plan B from the beginning.

Wish you all the luck you so desperately deserve, as we all do!

Marilyn

(((((solon)))))

Okay, take a deep breath. Let it out. Just relax for a minute and think about all that you have read here.

TMCM is absolutely correct! Listen to him as he is an Expert on Plan B. Your love bank is dwindling now by the minute and it's time to do it. Get your letter ready. Post it here if you feel you want other people to critique it for you. I am not in Plan B yet, and I'm hoping I won't have to do it. From where I stand, though, I really feel that is your best bet right now.

Keep posting. There are wonderful people here that are ready, willing and able to support you! Hang in there. I'll pray for you!

Thanks Stung,

Please pray for me. That is the only thing that can keep me sane right now. Me and the children miss her. She is 29. I don't know how long she will take to come around, or if ever.

i agree with tmcm. plan B. i can't see another option at present.

but solon, what about Plan B? You didn't reply if you were thinking about it ... are you??

Plan B? It's hard because I have the children. In a way, I have done it since the time she has moved out. We really don't speak or see each other. So I guess, even against me knowing, a plan B has been in place. But there have been times when I did respond to her immediately after she emailed me. I guess I can try to distance myself more. But I love her and knowing that a man is with her is going to kill.

so you've had contact with her -- spoken on the phone and exchanged emails? and you haven't sent her a plan B letter (and sent a copy to the OM), establishing your boundaries? if this is the case, then you're not in plan B.

these things are important. seek tmcm's or mortarman's help with putting together a solid plan B.

but wouldn't a letter setting boundaries kind of me pointless? She has moved out. If I avoid her emails, she really does not call me and to be honest the emails are only about the children, then it is a plan B. The OM has changed his numbers and probably has changed his email too. I don't think I can contact him. I can try to push the children on her, but that will hurt them. They love me and spending time with me. I can NEVER force them to stay with her just to prove a point. Right now she has it easy; a man who takes good care of her children and another man who takes care of her. What more could a woman ask for?

Right now, everything is hinging on him. If he leaves, the fog lifts and she sees the mistake she made. If not, then she continues in this jackleg relationship for who knows how long. And all the while...I'm hurting. :-(

solon:

More 2uestions! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Number a: is the OM M'd? If so, does the OMW know about the A?
Letter 2: Does anyone else know about the A? Family, coworkers, that kind of thing? If not, TELL THEM.

After my D-day, I made the mistake of not telling the OMW. She found out about 5 months after I did. I could have saved myself 5 months, perhaps, by putting the death sentence on the fantasy from day one. Sure, my W would have been tweaked, maybe even left me then (she never did, though), but I believe now that it would have saved some time.

If you do plan B, rather than a remote plan A (via the emails, and stuff), try 2 get a third party that would be willing 2 handle all communication with your WW. It sounds like you're having a tough time being loving when you do talk 2 her right now, so plan B would be a sensible self-protection idea. But get feedback on the letter before you send it. But DEFINITELY send one. Your W needs 2 know the ground rules 2 rebuild your M, if you're going 2 go "dark." If you just stop talking 2 her, she may figure she has no way back even if she wanted one someday.

-ol' 2long

no ... it's not pointless. you establishing your boundaries with her and enforcing no contact are realities she faces if your marriage ends. right now she initiates contact with you as she pleases and on her terms. therefore, no reality.

if you want to protect what love you have for her then must stand up and tell her that, as long as om is in the picture and she is unwilling to abide by your terms for reconciliation, then she is not to contact you for any reason.

all matters involving the children and/or finances are to be handled through an intermediate party -- a relative or friend -- of your choosing (if they're agreeabel to it, of course).

during this time you make all efforts to move on with the rest of your life.

if she wants to come back, then that's awesome. what's more, she understands you have no uncertain terms about what it will take for that to happen. if she doesn't then you've placed yourself in a position to move forward clean.

plan B = no direct contact. plan B is setting your boundaries in clear terms. what you're doing isn't plan B. it's plan M for milquetoast.

[ November 18, 2003, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: whippit ]

solon, get the plan b letter ready today! Everyone here is right, IMHO.

She needs to know that until she ends the A with the other man, you will not have any contact with her. She needs to know that you love her and want her to come back. She needs to know that you are doing this to protect your love for her.

Check out toomuchcoffeeman's stuff. He's great at this. I know this is extremely difficult, but it may be the best shot at getting her to see what it would really be like to have only OM meeting her needs. My bet is he can't meet them all, or as many as you.

I think you also need to do more reading on this site and Surviving an Affair. Really let it sink in. It seems that you're too caught up in your grief and betrayal right now and that's all you're thinking about. If you want your W back, you need to think clearly and strategically. So take a deep breath and prepare your Plan B letter.

I also was totally caught up in the grief and betrayal for at least a month after I found out about A. I couldn't eat, sleep, care for children, go to grocery store, nothing, nothing, nothing. Are you on antidepressants? It may help you.

So ... what do you do?
1. Deep breath
2. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps
3. Read about Plan B
4. Write your Plan B letter
5. Post Plan B letter her if you want other people to check it out.
6. Send Plan B letter to your W, OMW. (If you don't know where OM lives, how 'bout sending to work?)
7. Get your intermediary figured out for contact regarding children, finances, etc.
8. Then you prepare to wait and be strong. No responding to her.

I'm certainly no expert, but I've spent many, many, many hours here reading. I think I've learned a lot. Sometimes it's easier said than done, but DO IT NOW!!!

Keep us posted. We care about you!

Solon,

I agree with all that have written. My W's affair started about the same time as yours. I'm not sure where's its going, but it is going. I'm doing a little better since being in plan B. Stung By a Bee had a good point on reading the book, Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. If you haven't read this book, you should get it now and read it. It explains so much. It will explain what plan A and plan B are and how they effect you and your WW. You can order the book from this site or go to your local bookstore. It is a very important book. It is probably the best written book on affairs. Keep posting. You have a great support group with all of us here....

Solon here's the Plan B letter that Jon (the BH) gave to Sue (the WW) in Harley's 'Surviving An Affair':

<blockquote>quote:<hr />"My Dear Sue.

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and creat a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your are seeing Greg.

With my love.

Jon<hr /></blockquote>Jon delivered the letter to Sue and he also sent a copy to Greg with a note at the bottom saying:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />"I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance."<hr /></blockquote>

Wow! Um...this is...a lot to soak in.

Writing her a letter telling her that she is NOT to contact me for any reason unless it's to let me know she wants to come home. Hmmmmmmm. Let her know that I love her and I will always love her, cherish her and adore her, but unless she separates herself from Randy Holloway, I can be in no way part of her life. (wow! that's deep) But what about the kids? I have them the majority of the time, how is she to know about what is going on with them? Bball games? Performances? (they sing in church occasionally) and stuff like that? Just leave her at not knowing? Right now she has them 3 days a week, MTW. This morning the thought did come to mind to not participate in this. The kids WANT to be at home with me ALL the time. I am participating in her adultrous lifestyle by allowing them to be there those three nights. We are NOT divorced. They have a home. WE have a home. She chose to leave the home. Why should I accomdate her by having them over there 3 days? She is free to see them, spend time with them, do all what she did before, I'll never stop her from doing that, but she has chosen to leave. Why should I accomodate her. Anyway, even if I allow that, I should not have to tell her if I pick up the kids early on a, say Tuesday. She will find out when she goes there to get them.

Hmmm. I have to really think this through.

Thanks much.

solon, I read Surviving An Affair in 1 day. It's a very quick read. Also check out Marriage Builders Concepts and Questions & Answers. Click at the top of the page. Tons of great information there also!

You're getting great advice here. Do you understand the Plan B concept and letter better now? I'm praying for you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

And one more thing. In Plan B, she DOES get to see the kids. The point is that you don't have face-to-face contact or verbal contact. That is all done through someone else. Again, back to the point that her OM will need to meet all of her emotional needs.

It's a scary thought...we will still have face-to-face if she decides to include herself in the children's activities. If I do that, should I include that she needs to take herself and one of the children off of my health insurance and get insurance for them herself? Should I make myself dead to her?

Solon Plan B does not guarantee that your WW will end all contact with the OM and want to rebuild the marriage. What Plan B does is it slows down the draining of your love bank so that if she does indeed want to reconcile with you, then you will have enough left for the hardest part which is the beginning of marital recovery. Don't kid yourself that marital recovery is a piece of cake, just go over and read all the stories of BS's and FWS's trying to rebuild their marriages. Plainly speaking, marital recovery is a lot harder than the ongoing affair. Without enough love units in your love bank, your heart will not be into rebuilding your marriage, and will eventually opt for divorce. And even if your marriage does end, you will have been better off having done Plan B because you will know that you did everything in your power to save your marriage. You will be able to move on with your life without being haunted with doubts or second thoughts. The same cannot be said for your WW.

Oh, and by the way, I did expose her affair. I told many at our church (which is why she does not attend the church anymore), I told her mother (who says that she does not know if she believes that because she told her that there is no other man), I told all of my family. This is why she has removed herself from everyone we know, save Randy and her single friend who can care less either way.

Toomuch, that was VERY deep. Plan B not being a means of winning her back, but moreso intended to protect me and if there is a chance of us being together protecting that chance. Hmmmmm. I must think on this even more now. The thought of it initially is comforting. I don't understand why I am hesitant or frightened to do it....(thinking)
I guess I am afraid that I would be pushing her away even further than she is now, but is that even possible. Just this weekend she reminded that she does not want to be with me (that hurt). She may get that letter and say, "Good! That is what I've been waiting to hear all along". That would hurt big time to hear that.
Hmmmm. I have to think about this...

solon ... everyone here will agree that this concept takes a lot of work to wrap your brain around it.

there's another way of thinking about it: 180 degree thinking, asserted by michell weiner-davis (author of divorce busting). she says that, as the betrayed spouse, your behavior should be the opposite of what your instinct is.

you've probably noticed that when you pursue, your wife pulls back. you beg/plead/cry/scream/reason/educate/guilt, she runs.

plan B, like 180 degree thinking, is counter to your instinct.

plan B is powerful.

it's the consequence of your wife's behavior (i suspect she hasn't had consequences yet). she's left to see what life without you is like. she and the om are left to deal with each other, warts and all.

plan B puts enormous pressure on the affair. and it relieves yours so that you can concentrate on becoming whole again. you need this either way.

Solon consider that without Plan B your WW assumes she can come back to you at any time she wants without any pre-conditions and on her own terms. But that is not the case with Plan B because it specifically states what the WS must do in order for the BS to accept him/her back. And like whippit correctly pointed out, Plan B puts a strain on the affair because it ends the cake eating of the WS and has to depend 100% on the OP for ALL of his/her EN's.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Solon consider that without Plan B your WW assumes she can come back to you at any time she wants without any pre-conditions and on her own terms. But that is not the case with Plan B because it specifically states what the WS must do in order for the BS to accept him/her back. And like whippit correctly pointed out, Plan B puts a strain on the affair because it ends the cake eating of the WS and has to depend 100% on the OP for ALL of his/her EN's.
<hr /></blockquote>TMCM is right. While I am still in Plan A, my WH knows that he needs to make sure that he is finished with OW before he is able to move back into our home and become my "husband" again. If he comes back home and becomes a WH again, I will divorce him.

Up until this point in time, I have pretty much let him "run" the relationship (I don't mean that in a bad way, I was just a follower). I have now decided that I know what I want and will not compromise my needs and wants. I have told him that I love him, I want to be married to him, but I will not, under ANY circumstances, be a part of a marriage that has an A ever again.

I believe that he knows how serious I am, accepts that this is the consequence of his actions, and is working toward getting out of the relationship with the OW. I hope and pray that this is what happens. I hope and pray that you, too, will find your M works out.

Thanks all.

I'm working on the email now. I will post it here in a little bit so I can get feedback on it.

Thanks again.

s--excellent! I'm back from getting beautified at the salon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and will be here for another 45 minutes. If you don't post before then, I'll check back tonight.

I'm working on the email now.
Plan B should be handwritten, not an email.
It's much more personal this way.
It's okay type it out and get feedback & make corrections though.

okay, here it is:

Rhonda,

I will always love you, I will always cherish you. I will always adore you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children. How can I ever stop loving you? I cannot. And I will not.

But you have chosen to walk away from the marriage. You have chosen to give your love to another. I cannot, in anyway, be associated with that. As much as I love the little conversation we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage AND you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not email me or call me. Please, do not even reply to this email. If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.

As it is now, the pairing of the bills regarding the children is grossly imbalanced. I am paying nearly twice what you are paying for the children. If possible, beginning next month, start paying for Adonis' after school care. I will continue to pay for all of their other extra curricular activities. I will also keep the family on my health insurance, so you won't have that money coming out of your check.

We are not divorced. You are still my wife. The only difference is you have someone else in your life. Home is still here. I am still here. If and when you divorce me, that is when I will participate in separating everything we have. Until then, I will continue to live my life, but only as though you have died.

I want you to know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. I am doing this because I NEED to distance myself from you due to the decision you have made to distance yourself from this marriage.

Take care. Here is Jone's number in case you don't have it. If you have any questions call him.

I will always love you, I will always cherish you. I will always adore you. 
will you? it's possible that you may not at some point.

How can I ever stop loving you? I cannot. And I will not.
you might. see above. this is important because right now you actually risk running out of love for her if her behavior continues. plan B seeks to preserve that love in the chance that your wife decides to come home and recover your marriage. she needs to know that you're protecting the little love for her you have left.

... do not email me or call me.
what about a face-to-face? what about a letter? a page? are those okay? re-phrase to read "do not contact me."

Please, do not even reply to this email.
DON'T do this via email. like chris said, hand write the letter before sending it. this is, after all, a love letter.

As it is now, the pairing of the bills regarding the children is grossly imbalanced. I am paying nearly twice what you are paying for the children. If possible, beginning next month, start paying for Adonis' after school care. I will continue to pay for all of their other extra curricular activities. I will also keep the family on my health insurance, so you won't have that money coming out of your check.
i would cut all of this. but others may have a different opinion.

We are not divorced. You are still my wife. The only difference is you have someone else in your life. Home is still here. I am still here. If and when you divorce me, that is when I will participate in separating everything we have. Until then, I will continue to live my life, but only as though you have died.
remember, this letter should help shape some lasting thoughts about you as a husband. do you really want to say this?

I want you to know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. I am doing this because I NEED to distance myself from you due to the decision you have made to distance yourself from this marriage.
re-cast this to read something like, 'I want you to know that I love you. But your choice to continue your affair with OM is hurting me and our family. I am willing to wait but I cannot wait forever. So to preserve the love I left for you I must ask that you not contact me." of course, use your words

Take care. Here is Jone's number in case you don't have it. If you have any questions call him. 

this is a reasonable first draft -- it's hard to write this sort of thing. you WILL need to refine this ... perhaps several times. like i said, this will shape some lasting thoughts about you as a husband. so it's important to be aware of not only what you say, but how you say it.

stick with the group. we'll get you there!

But you have chosen to walk away from the marriage. You have chosen to give your love to another. I cannot, in anyway, be associated with that.
It's not a blame game. You accept your responsibilities and let her accept hers but don't point out her "errors".

Please, do not even reply to this email
Remove this because it won't be an email It will be handwritten.

How can I ever stop loving you? I cannot. And I will not.
Leave out. If the affair continues you WILL stop loving her.

As it is now, the pairing of the bills regarding the children is grossly imbalanced. I am paying nearly twice what you are paying for the children.
Leave this out. It's a LB.

If possible, beginning next month, start paying for Adonis' after school care.
Put that ypu will pay for 1/2 of everything and specify exactly what you will be paying for. If you leave it like this, it will NOT be possible for her to pay for it.

If and when you divorce me, that is when I will participate in separating everything we have.
Don't mention divorce. Just that you want to stay marrie dand work it out.

Until then, I will continue to live my life, but only as though you have died.
Leave it out. You are just trying to get in a jab at her.

I want you to know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. I am doing this because I NEED to distance myself from you due to the decision you have made to distance yourself from this marriage.
Change this to WHY you need to distance yourself. Her affair hurts you and interaction with her hurts you therefore you will stop communications.

You need to put something in about you. You are learning that you messed up in some ways too (got an example?) and you are learning what it is to be a partner in a relationship.

You must be VERY CLEAR that you want the marriage to survive.
You must be VERY CLEAR that what you are doing is only ending communication with her, you are not "moving on".
This needs to be a love letter. No lovebusters, no fingerpointing, no condemning.

[ November 18, 2003, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by solon:
okay, here it is:

Rhonda,

I will always love you, I will always cherish you. I will always adore you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children. How can I ever stop loving you? I cannot. And I will not.<hr /></blockquote>A bit sappy but you ARE conveying your love for her.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />But you have chosen to walk away from the marriage. You have chosen to give your love to another. I cannot, in anyway, be associated with that.<hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Whoa! As much as you are totally right, this part full of disrespectfull judgements that nullifies your opening love statement. Please reconsider removing it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />As much as I love the little conversation we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage AND you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not email me or call me. Please, do not even reply to this email. If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.<hr /></blockquote>No problem here

<blockquote>quote:<hr />As it is now, the pairing of the bills regarding the children is grossly imbalanced. I am paying nearly twice what you are paying for the children. If possible, beginning next month, start paying for Adonis' after school care. I will continue to pay for all of their other extra curricular activities. I will also keep the family on my health insurance, so you won't have that money coming out of your check.<hr /></blockquote>The Plan B letter must not contain detailed financial arrangements. The only thing related to finances is that you will not be able to help her financially and that is it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />We are not divorced. You are still my wife. The only difference is you have someone else in your life. Home is still here. I am still here. If and when you divorce me, that is when I will participate in separating everything we have. Until then, I will continue to live my life, but only as though you have died.<hr /></blockquote>Not only is this paragraph full of disrespectful judgements, but angry outbursts as well. Again please reconsider deleting it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I want you to know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. I am doing this because I NEED to distance myself from you due to the decision you have made to distance yourself from this marriage.

Take care.<hr /></blockquote>You must convey to her the pain you feel by continuing to have contact with her while she is still involved with the OM, and THAT is the reason why you must distance yourself from her. This paragraph does not convey that pain.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Here is Jone's number in case you don't have it. If you have any questions call him.<hr /></blockquote>This paragraph is ok but it should end with a loving message like Jon's Plan B letter in which he said "I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as your are seeing Greg. With my love. (your name)"

Also this letter is lacking a few key things necessary in a Plan B letter:

1.Your admission to contributing to the bad marital environment that made her affair possible.

2.Your willingness to fulfill her most important EN's.

3.Your hope that the two of you can rebuild your marriage and a new lifestyle where the two of you can be happy.

Please reconsider not sending your Plan B letter the way you wrote it.

Okay, I'm getting the idea now. I have much work to do on it, mainly stop trying to press the issue that she is wrong and more of letting her know that I am as responsible for the breakdown of this marriage as she is, but I wish for nothing more than for it to be amended and for us to be together. Does that sound about right?
Also, here is a serious question; what if my wife, right now, is contemplating coming back, would this letter drive her away? I say that because before my wife left, well, way before she left, we were a spiritual couple. We weren't sinless, but we well knew right and wrong. Sunday night I called her simply to pray with me like we used to do when she was here (that's how I know someone was there because she just mummbled a quick prayer about the children). But today, what's today...Tuesday, okay, two days later she emails me a picture of my son's shoes that she just bought him and we exchanged a few emails. It may seem as though she is realizing she is wrong and is beginning to think about coming home. Would this plan b letter turn her away from that?

I'll wait to hear from you all while I refine the HANDWRITTEN letter. :-) Thank you all so much for your help in this. I do pray that it either assists me in healing or brings her home.

Bravo Solon ... now THAT'S what we've all been waiting to hear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Okay, I'm getting the idea now. I have much work to do on it, mainly stop trying to press the issue that she is wrong and more of letting her know that I am as responsible for the breakdown of this marriage as she is, but I wish for nothing more than for it to be amended and for us to be together. Does that sound about right?
<hr /></blockquote>Forgive my abruptness, but your wife sending a picture of your sons shoes doesn't sound to me like she's rethinking. What were your emails like? No, the Plan B letter isn't going to drive her away. It will let her know how much you love her and want her to end the A. It will show her that you respect yourself enough to back away from the situation to preserve your love for her.

Praying is good, always good. Keep up the good work! You've come a long way, baby. You've got a long way to go, too, but I can see that you can do it!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by solon:
Okay, I'm getting the idea now. I have much work to do on it, mainly stop trying to press the issue that she is wrong and more of letting her know that I am as responsible for the breakdown of this marriage as she is, but I wish for nothing more than for it to be amended and for us to be together. Does that sound about right?<hr /></blockquote>You want your letter to be full of love and hope for a happy marriage. The last thing you want your Plan B letter to be is spiteful and resentful.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Also, here is a serious question; what if my wife, right now, is contemplating coming back, would this letter drive her away? I say that because before my wife left, well, way before she left, we were a spiritual couple. We weren't sinless, but we well knew right and wrong. Sunday night I called her simply to pray with me like we used to do when she was here (that's how I know someone was there because she just mummbled a quick prayer about the children). But today, what's today...Tuesday, okay, two days later she emails me a picture of my son's shoes that she just bought him and we exchanged a few emails. It may seem as though she is realizing she is wrong and is beginning to think about coming home. Would this plan b letter turn her away from that?<hr /></blockquote>If your talking about your original Plan B letter then I would say that the answer is yes you will end up driving her away. That's why you need to change it to look as much as possible to Jon's Plan B letter to Sue in Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair'.

There was another BH last week who was also running by us his Plan B letter when some of the ladies here came up with the brilliant idea to include one or two shared experiences of happier times together. His final draft included two of said happier times experiences the two of them shared and was so good that I wish I could have saved it so that you could have seen the beauty of it.

Oh and Chris is right that you should give her the Plan B letter in person instead of e-mailing it. Why? because a handwritten letter has much more emotional feel to it than a typed electronic one. Not only that, most e-mail gets erased after it is read but with a letter there is a good chance that she'll keep it to read again and again when she starts questioning her bad choices.

I hope this was of some help to you.

Okay, here goes my first attempt ever at trying to edit a Plan B letter. I pretty much agree with all of the comments you've gotten so far, but I think they may all be from men. May I ever so humbly add a woman's point-of-view? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Rhonda,

I will always love you, I will always cherish you. I will always adore you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children. How can I ever stop loving you? I cannot. And I will not.

I agree with TMCM, a bit too sappy. How about "My Dearest Rhonda, You are my first love (was she your first love? if not say 'only love'), my wife and the mother of our (not 'my') dear children. I love you with all my heart. I will always cherish and adore you."

But you have chosen to walk away from the marriage. You have chosen to give your love to another. I cannot, in anyway, be associated with that.

Wait a minute...has she actually walked away from the marriage or is she just taking a step back right now? Say something like,
"But you have chosen to give your love to another. Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you and I want to preserve that love."

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.

"Mr. Jones has kindly agreed to give me any messages you may have for me. Please contact him at 555-555-5555. Adonis is old enough to give you any information that you should know regarding the children's performances, games, etc."

As much as I love the little conversation we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage AND you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not email me or call me. Please, do not even reply to this email.

"When you end all contact with Randy, I will be open to discussing our marriage and how we can repair it and improve upon it."

As it is now, the pairing of the bills regarding the children is grossly imbalanced. I am paying nearly twice what you are paying for the children. If possible, beginning next month, start paying for Adonis' after school care. I will continue to pay for all of their other extra curricular activities. I will also keep the family on my health insurance, so you won't have that money coming out of your check.

Omit this whole paragraph. You can send her a letter through Mr. Jones later regarding the financial issues. State that you want to split the children's expenses 50/50, but don't belittle her.

We are not divorced. You are still my wife. The only difference is you have someone else in your life. Home is still here. I am still here. If and when you divorce me, that is when I will participate in separating everything we have. Until then, I will continue to live my life, but only as though you have died.

"I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life."

I want you to know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. I am doing this because I NEED to distance myself from you due to the decision you have made to distance yourself from this marriage.

"Please know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. Rather, I am doing this because I am trying to preserve the love I have for you."

Take care. Here is Jone's number in case you don't have it. If you have any questions call him.

With all my love,
Solon

Again, after your first paragraph, don't forget to tell her how you have realized the mistakes you made to contribute to the problems in your marriage. You are working to improve yourself.

Whew, that was a rather big job with all the bold and italics and cut-and-paste and stuff. Kept me busy for 30 minutes. Thanks for helping me pass the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Okay, and the other thing I would do it read the letter that Jon wrote to Sue again. I know there was good stuff in there.

(spotlights, please)
And now, the great Stung by a Bee will attempt to recreate the entire Solon Plan B letter in its entirety right here before your very eyes.

Drum roll, please ...

"My Dearest Rhonda, You are my first love, my wife and the mother of our dear children. I love you with all my heart. I will always cherish and adore you. But you have chosen to give your love to another.

Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you and I want to preserve that love.

Mr. Jones has kindly agreed to give me any messages you may have for me. Please contact him at 555-555-5555. Adonis is old enough to give you any information that you should know regarding the children's performances, games, etc.

When you end all contact with Randy, I will be open to discussing our marriage and how we can repair it and improve upon it.

I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life.

Please know that I am not doing this because I want to distance myself from you. Rather, I am doing this because I am trying to preserve the love I have for you.

With all my love,
Solon

Again, after your first paragraph, don't forget to tell her how you have realized the mistakes you made to contribute to the problems in your marriage. You are working to improve yourself.

Oh yeah, you also need to let her know that you are sending a copy of the letter to Randy and Randy's wife, if he has one.

Ta da!!

Wow! That was good! And with me being so brain dead as it is, I may have to use all of what you all said verbatim :-) It does kind of read like me.

But I have two more questions>
1) Christmas is coming up. We have not worked out specific plans, but we are leaning towards her spending the night here Christmas eve and spending Christmas with us. How will that work out once I give her this letter?

2) I know where her apartment is, should I slip it on her windshield wiper, or, if I complete the letter by Sunday, give it to her when she comes to my son's bowling party (she said she may come to that)?

Thank you again for all your hard work. You know, it's something (here comes a little self disclosure), this Monday, after the painful weekend, I told myself I will buckle down and literally wrestle with God. This thing has been going on since February of this year. I have been in too much pain...and it was only getting worse! I made up my mind that I would fast all week from everything' food, tv, a person in my life who was there to help comfort me, but it was a relationship that I know was not acceptable. I cut it all off. Every morning, no, all throughout the day, I ask God, beg God, to do something, anything. I believe that he sends comfort to the brokenhearted. I believe, more than ever before that this week something was going to happen.
Well, you all happened. It kind of makes me think that what I am reading on this board is words coming directly from heavenly angels disguising themselves as people. I thank you all for helping me with this. You were sent here for a reason and you are fulfilling your purpose. This should make you all proud.

Thank you again.

no contact is no contact. even on christmas.

if she wants to spend time with your children, then make arrangements for that just like you would normally (but through mr. jones, of course).

let's assume for a moment that you and your wife do, in fact, divorce and five years from now you re-marry. will your now xw come and stay at the house for the holidays? new w will probably flip.

the reality of plan B is for her to see what it's like to live life without you and your children full time ... which includes christmas in the house.

her choices have consequences and this is one of them. it's tough, but so is being a bs and she's not bending over backward to make sure you can have a life without consequences.

i don't mean to sound hard hearted. the thing is, when you waffle on plan B it doesn't work.

solon, thanks for the kind words to all of us. It's nice to be appreciated.

As far as Christmas goes, whippit is entirely correct. You make arrangements through Mr. Jones. A holiday without you together as a family may just be that additional wake-up call that she needs!

Wow, fasting all week?! Last night while I wrote that stuff I had nachos with cheese, followed by a nice bowl of chocolate chip ice cream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kudos to you. God definitely answers prayers and glad we could help the Almighty One with your situation. Continue on your spiritual path and it will lead you to where you should be. But you're not gonna be able to fast much longer or you'll melt away.

Do I tell her that there will be no contact during Christmas in the letter? And what about the children? I guess this is the reality of it. But I am taking off the entire week of Christmas and I plan for them to be with me. Should I drop her a line saying that if she wants to spend time with the children see Jones, or should I just leave it up to her to ask him to talk to me about it?

Other thing. Each day the children are with her they call me in the morning and at night. Every morning and night we always have a devotion. It did not stop when I allowed them to be with her. When they are with me, she calls them in the morning and at night. Should I mention to her not to call? Sometimes, I don't know if it is her calling and I will hate to answer the phone when she calls. Or, should I just get my number changed and not give it to her? Doesn't that seem cold?

I will like to have this letter ready by Sunday.

draft number 2:

Oh, oh. A handwritten letter from Solon. Something MUST be going on if he actually took the time to write, as bad as his handwriting is. :-)

I know that is probably what you are thinking. I usually DON'T write for that same reason, my bad handwriting. But this letter may be, no, it is the most important letter I will ever write. So I'm taking the time to write this letter to you.

Rhonda, I am not going to go into a long diatribe about my love for you. I will always cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children. And for the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away. During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. We did everything together. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening; just you and I. I fully regret that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw every where I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish. Treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you; you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved. I will never forgive myself for that.

As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have now, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me at all.

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.

I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I know our marriage can work; with God ALL things are still possible. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life.

With all my sincere love,

MUCH BETTER LETTER!!

As far as Christmas goes, I would wait a bit to figure that out. After Thanksgiving you can let her know through Mr. Jones what you would like the plan to be, i.e. you can have the children on Christmas Eve, and I will have them on Christmas Day or whatever you want. Then wait for her reply through Mr. Jones.

whippit is right ... she needs to see what life would be like without you and children.

Stay strong and positive!

I added this to it right after the part of Randy.

Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger, and believe me I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

solon:

I wouldn't add that last part. Also:

"Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy"

Change this to "Until you end all contact..." No "unless". make it clear that there really is only one sensible choice here, it's just a matter of "when" she comes around and recognizes that.

-2long

I am not going to go into a long diatribe about my love for you.
delete this

I will always cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children.
again, don't say always. you might not cherish her at some point if you divorce. also, as mentioned earlier, change 'mother of my dear children' to 'mother of our dear children.' the kids are yours and hers.

And for the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away.
good. accepts responsibility for your role in the breakdown of your marriage.

During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. We did everything together. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening; just you and I.
this was nice. just one change (and it's only because i'm a writer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) ... change 'just you and i' to 'just you and me.'

I fully regret that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you. you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved.
change 'i fully regret' to 'i now see clearly' -- not that you don't feel regret, but it's apretty strong word and may imply that you're not capable of overcoming it. she needs to see you as a strong person who is capable of overcoming this struggle. i also recommend that you delete '; you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved.' end this part with 'As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you.'

I will never forgive myself for that.
no? never is a long time and you're going to have to at some point. delete this sentence.

As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have now, I must remove myself totally from your life.
very nice.

You have chosen to give your love to another. Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you.
i agree with 2long ... change 'unless' to 'until' -- it's a matter of when.

Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me at all.
also very nice. change 'this marriage' to 'our marriage' -- saying 'our marriage' gives it life and bolsters your belief that it can be saved.

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.
again, very nicely done. change 'old enough to where he' to 'old enough that he' -- again, the writer in me. plus, it's fewer words for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I know our marriage can work; with God ALL things are still possible. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life.

With all my sincere love, 
also quite well done. i'm a litle iffy with 'i will continue to live my life' but i don't know why or what i would change.

you're getting there. keep it coming.

great feedback!!

Here is version #3.

Oh, oh. A handwritten letter from Solon. Something MUST be going on if he actually took the time to write, as bad as his handwriting is. :-)

I know that is probably what you are thinking. I usually DON'T write for that reason, my bad handwriting, but this letter may be, no, it is the most important letter I will ever write. So I'm taking the time to write this letter to you.

Rhonda, I cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of our dear children. For the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away. During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening.

Now, I can see clearly that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you. How could I? Why would I? Precious as you were, as innocent as you were...forgiving myself is extremely difficult.

As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on our marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me. Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger, and believe me I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough that he can give you the information himself.

I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. I want more than ever to be a family again and for us to grow old together watching our children grow into young men and women. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue loving you as a husband as long as I possibly can.

With all my sincere love,

i think this version is awesome! before sending it, i recommend you get a stamp of approval from others, though.

a couple of other verrrrry small changes:

As I laid in my bed this week
change to 'our bed' -- again, a subtle but important distinction.

Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you.
call it what it is. it's not a relationship. it's an affair. period.

I'll give it the gold stamp of approval!

Do some hand exercises between paragraphs so you don't get too crampy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am very sad and depressed right now.

I just got off the phone with Mr. Jones. He is a guy from our church that has been speaking to the two of us all year. I told him of the letter and he said he did not approve. He said I was trying to manipulate her into doing what I want her to do. I told him that it is not for her to do anything, but for me, for me to heal without wondering if every time she contacts me is it because she wants to work it out. He could not see that. He told me if I give her that letter to not include his name in it. :-(
He is the only person who knows the two of us that we both speak with.

I'm depressed. I dont' want to drive her away and miss all chances of us getting back together. I don't know. I just don't know.

I need to go cry right now...

Mr Jones is wrong, wrong, wrong (Did I say he was wrong?) and if he doesn't want to be your intermediary then so be it. If you don't have another person to take Mr Jones place then you may want to just ask your W to please only communicate specific and very important child related matters and nothing else (except of course her desire to end her affair and rebuild the marriage) via e-mail (the least personal of all ways of communicating).

As far is this 3rd version of your Plan B letter is concerned, I think it is outstanding but you will have to once again modify it because of the recent development with Mr Jones.

I think I am still going to send it.

Pray for me.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by solon:
 I think I am still going to send it.

Pray for me. <hr /></blockquote>So you think that Mr Jones may accept his role as intermediary afterall?

okay...wew! things are happening fast here. I just spoke with a woman at my church. This past month this lady has come into me and my children's life and has been a HUGE help. I have a daughter and I could never do her hair. This woman does her hair for me, she picks them up when I have to stay late, she really is nice and the kids LOVE her. She just said I could put her name instead of Jones'. the only thing is, my wife really does not know her. I told her to call her because her daughter is over there all the time and as her mother she should know who is keeping her kids sometimes. She did not want to though. But she knows this woman because she tells the children story at our church. Now she may be very uncomfortable in calling her though.

i'm sorry you are hurting right now. let it out. embrace it. let it go. because you have more work ahead of you. but first ...

of course you're trying to manipulate her -- any attempt to influence another person's behavior is a form of manipulation. therefore, manipulation, like persuasion (to use another, similar, word), isn't necessarily a bad thing.

the how and the why that drives the attempt at influence determines it's relative value good or bad. if you're trying to influence her to rob a bank for you -- that's bad. if you're trying to influence her to give up her affair and saving your marriage -- that's good.

Manipulate: to change by artful or unfair(emphasis added) means so as to serve one's purpose. (the definition states either artful OR unfair ... not artful AND unfair.)

you have given clear and enormously fair terms to your wife. without them she will waffle and continue to hurt you and your family as long as she's allowed to do so. with plan B you are telling her she doesn't have permission to do that.

i'm curious: in what ways WILL mr jones approve of you trying to save your marriage? i'm guessing that he's never walked in our shoes. if so, he's quite lucky.

now ... on to the business at hand. in finding your intermediary, please be sure they know what you're doing before volunteering them for the job.

think of others who might be an impartial ally for both you and you wife -- someone who wants to see both of you recover your marriage. tell them at what point you are and ask for help. let them know about this site and help them learn about plan B. this may take you a few more days.

plus, this helps expose the affair even more. more exposure, more pressure on it.

we who have helped you to this point kind of put the cart before the horse a little and assumed you had done a little more due diligence. i'm sorry that i made such an assumption.

hang in there ... lots of people here are in your corner and we believe you're doing the right thing.

solon:

Just in case 2MCM may have forgotten 2 mention it, Mr Jones is WRONG. DUBYA ARE OH EN GEE!!!

You are not manipulating her (can you guys believe *I* am saying that? ol' "no plan B!" 2long? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). You are protecting yourself.

The only way this might be construed as manipulation is that you are refusing 2 play along with the fence-sitting. You are pointing out 2 your W, lovingly, that she has a choice 2 make. She does NOT have the option of NOT making that choice. Time is of the essence, 2, becuase YOU have a choice as well.

All my best, I know how this feels.
-2long

I've refined one paragraph...tell me what you think. In listening to him I want it CLEAR that I am not trying to manipulate her into doing anything, but rather I am just doing this for myself. Tell me what you think.

Rhonda, as much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please, please, PLEASE, I cannot stress this enough, know that I am doing this out of love for you and not as an attempt to separate myself or manipulate you in any way. Please know this. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve that love and those special times we shared. I want to preserve the love I still have for you even now. When we talk, the fact that you are with someone angers me and I attack you and I push you further away from me and I slowly lose that love. Unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on our marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy, please do not contact me. Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger. I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
 If you don't have another person to take Mr Jones place then you may want to just ask your W to please only communicate specific and very important child related matters and nothing else (except of course her desire to end her affair and rebuild the marriage) via e-mail (the least personal of all ways of communicating).

As far is this 3rd version of your Plan B letter is concerned, I think it is outstanding but you will have to once again modify it because of the recent development with Mr Jones. <hr /></blockquote>This is the one problem I have with Plan B and contibuted to its failing in my case. It takes a very special person to be an intermediary. Think about it. Most people have enough problems managing their own lives. To ask a friend to be a go between for an extended length of time has multiple possibilites for problems. Especially when you have kids whose needs can pop up without notice. I don't care whom you pick, that person cannot always be there when there may have to be verbal communication with the WS.

In this case you have to follow TMCM's advice as close as you can. But you have to be willing to accept that there may be times, depending on your children's needs, where you may have to verbally communicate with your wife. Just make it short and to the point.

thanks everyone (sorry to see you all divorced Hopeful. I hope that we don't, but I am aware that it my be enivitable).

Quick question. Would it be too much if I tell Rhonda that "when you moved out, I was angry and took that as the marriage being over. I am still your husband and I do not have anyone or anything to hide. I am giving you my email and voicemail passwords again"

I don't know, once she moved out, she changed all of her information so I changed mine as well. I want her to be able to trust me. Is this too much?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by solon:
Quick question. Would it be too much if I tell Rhonda that "when you moved out, I was angry and took that as the marriage being over. I am still your husband and I do not have anyone or anything to hide. I am giving you my email and voicemail passwords again"

I don't know, once she moved out, she changed all of her information so I changed mine as well. I want her to be able to trust me. Is this too much? <hr /></blockquote>The mentioning of anger has no place in a love letter like Plan B. Please don't add it.

The issue of trust is something that can only be addressed AFTER she ends her affair with the OM and expresses to you a desire to rebuild the marriage. It is premature IMNSHO.

Instead try to think of another happy experience both of you had and included in your Plan B letter.

Okay, I have one addition that I have made. In thinking about her, I imagine that even though she is with this guy she is going through some discomfort. She must. She's separated from her family, her children and her God. She must need comforting. So I added this:

Rhonda, as much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please, please please know that I am doing this out of love for you and not as an attempt to separate myself or manipulate you in any way. I want to be close to you. I want to be there for you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you, plan with you. I want to be able to comfort you. But your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve that love and the special times we shared. I want to preserve the love I still have for you. When we talk, the fact that you are with someone hurts me and I attack you and I push you further away from me and I slowly lose that love.

I want her to know that I want to comfort her. I want her to remember how I comforted so many times before without directly saying, "remember when you...and I had to comfort you"

Oh, oh. A handwritten letter from Solon. Something MUST be going on if he actually took the time to write, as bad as his handwriting is. :-)
Cute, but leave it out.

I know that is probably what you are thinking. I usually DON'T write for that reason, my bad handwriting, but this letter may be
No, you don’t know (you probably think you know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) Leave it out.

Rhonda, I cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of our dear children. For the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away. During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us.
Okay.

I was CRAZY about every part of you.
But you don’t anymore? Leave it out.

I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening.
Okay.

Now, I can see clearly that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often.
How did you neglect her? Got a specific example? Did you work 18 hour days or travel too much?

As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong
Uh, not literally EVERYWHERE! How about “I have looked back and I now see many of the things I have done wrong in our relationship.”

Now put something in about what you are doing to “fix” this.
Something like, “I have been reading and I am learning more about relationships and how to better focus on your needs and make our marriage better than it ever was.”

and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you. How could I? Why would I? Precious as you were, as innocent as you were...forgiving myself is extremely difficult.
Reword this. If forgiving yourself is extremely difficult, why would she believe you can forgive her? Just let her know that your marriage can be better if you both work at it.

You have chosen to give your love to another.
Leave this out.

Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you.
Okay.

Please, please please know that I am doing this out of love for you and not as an attempt to separate myself or manipulate you in any way. I want to be close to you. I want to be there for you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you, plan with you. I want to be able to comfort you. But your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve that love and the special times we shared. I want to preserve the love I still have for you. When we talk, the fact that you are with someone hurts me and I attack you and I push you further away from me and I slowly lose that love.

This is kind of jumping around from I love you, you hurt me, I love you, you hurt me.
How about something like,
“Your affair hurts me so much and any contact between us is very painful knowing you are still seeing Randy. Any contact between us further destroys the love I do have for you. I do not want this to happen, therefore I must limit any contact I have with you. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you.

Please know I am not doing this to punish you or hurt you. I want to preserve the love I still have for you.”

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough that he can give you the information himself.

I have learned what commitment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. I want more than ever to be a family again and for us to grow old together watching our children grow into young men and women. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue loving you as a husband as long as I possibly can.

With all my sincere love,

The letter should be “to the point” paragraphs.

I love you.
I apologize for the problems I helped create and I am working on changing these things.
I cannot have any contact with you because it hurts.
Any issues will be discussed through Mr. Jones.
I love you.

[ November 19, 2003, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

solon:

Why not tell her about specific instances where you comforted her?

Believe me, if you do this right, you will get VERY CONSTRUCTIVE TEARS out of her. You may not know about them, but she'll tell you sometime down the road, if you reconcile.

-ol' 2long

okay, I'm about to hand write the letter now and I will give it to her on Sunday.

I understand that she may never come back and I kind of feel that she will not, but at least she will know that I love her and I wanted our marriage to work.

Thanks everyone for all the work you put into this to make it just right.

another quick question...What if she replies to my letter telling me, "Solon, I am not seeing Rhonda. I just don't want to be with you"?

She has said this before. She fully denies that he is the reason he left, even though she has admitted throughout the year that she was seeing him, that they had sex several times at his house, in his jeep and in the part. In July when I went away for a few days I came back early and his name was on the ID, at one point at 3am in the morning. I really doubt that she would have moved out if he was not the reason and I REALLY doubt that he is not in the picture still. But what if she replies to me like that??

What if she replies to my letter telling me, "Solon, I am not seeing Rhonda.
Do you mean Randy?

I just don't want to be with you"?
She will PROBABLY say that. Almost every ws says/belives the OP is NOT the reason for the marriage being in the state it is.

She fully denies that he is the reason he left
Mine said the same thing. "I wouldn't leave you for any other man and I wouldn't move across the country and be apart from my kids". Two weeks later she did.

But what if she replies to me like that??
It's already addressed in your letter.
If she chooses to try reconcilaition then she should contact you if there is no contact.
Don't respond if she replies.

Chris, did she ever come back?

Only 3 times to visit the kids.
Once right after she left, wyhen she was working in teh next state over and at my oldest daughters graduation in May this year.
All three time it was only for two days. And then it was only for a few hours each day with the kids.