draft number 2:

Oh, oh. A handwritten letter from Solon. Something MUST be going on if he actually took the time to write, as bad as his handwriting is. :-)

I know that is probably what you are thinking. I usually DON'T write for that same reason, my bad handwriting. But this letter may be, no, it is the most important letter I will ever write. So I'm taking the time to write this letter to you.

Rhonda, I am not going to go into a long diatribe about my love for you. I will always cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children. And for the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away. During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. We did everything together. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening; just you and I. I fully regret that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw every where I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish. Treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you; you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved. I will never forgive myself for that.

As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have now, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me at all.

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.

I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I know our marriage can work; with God ALL things are still possible. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life.

With all my sincere love,

MUCH BETTER LETTER!!

As far as Christmas goes, I would wait a bit to figure that out. After Thanksgiving you can let her know through Mr. Jones what you would like the plan to be, i.e. you can have the children on Christmas Eve, and I will have them on Christmas Day or whatever you want. Then wait for her reply through Mr. Jones.

whippit is right ... she needs to see what life would be like without you and children.

Stay strong and positive!

I added this to it right after the part of Randy.

Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger, and believe me I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

solon:

I wouldn't add that last part. Also:

"Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy"

Change this to "Until you end all contact..." No "unless". make it clear that there really is only one sensible choice here, it's just a matter of "when" she comes around and recognizes that.

-2long

<strong>I am not going to go into a long diatribe about my love for you.</strong>
delete this

<strong>I will always cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of my dear children.</strong>
again, don't say always. you might not cherish her at some point if you divorce. also, as mentioned earlier, change 'mother of my dear children' to 'mother of our dear children.' the kids are yours and hers.

<strong>And for the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away.</strong>
good. accepts responsibility for your role in the breakdown of your marriage.

<strong>During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. We did everything together. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening; just you and I.</strong>
this was nice. just one change (and it's only because i'm a writer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) ... change 'just you and i' to 'just you and me.'

<strong>I fully regret that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you. you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved.</strong>
change 'i fully regret' to 'i now see clearly' -- not that you don't feel regret, but it's apretty strong word and may imply that you're not capable of overcoming it. she needs to see you as a strong person who is capable of overcoming this struggle. i also recommend that you delete '; you were bound to turn to someone else for love, because you weren't getting the kind of love that a queen like you deserved.' end this part with 'As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you.'

<strong>I will never forgive myself for that.</strong>
no? never is a long time and you're going to have to at some point. delete this sentence.

<strong>As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have now, I must remove myself totally from your life.</strong>
very nice.

<strong>You have chosen to give your love to another. Unless and until you end all contact forever with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you.</strong>
i agree with 2long ... change 'unless' to 'until' -- it's a matter of when.

<strong>Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on this marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me at all.</strong>
also very nice. change 'this marriage' to 'our marriage' -- saying 'our marriage' gives it life and bolsters your belief that it can be saved.

<strong>If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough to where he can give you the information himself.</strong>
again, very nicely done. change 'old enough to where he' to 'old enough that he' -- again, the writer in me. plus, it's fewer words for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<strong>I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I know our marriage can work; with God ALL things are still possible. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue to live my life.

With all my sincere love, </strong>
also quite well done. i'm a litle iffy with 'i will continue to live my life' but i don't know why or what i would change.

you're getting there. keep it coming.

great feedback!!

Here is version #3.

Oh, oh. A handwritten letter from Solon. Something MUST be going on if he actually took the time to write, as bad as his handwriting is. :-)

I know that is probably what you are thinking. I usually DON'T write for that reason, my bad handwriting, but this letter may be, no, it is the most important letter I will ever write. So I'm taking the time to write this letter to you.

Rhonda, I cherish you. You are my first love, my wife and the mother of our dear children. For the life of me I cannot understand how or why I allowed you to slip away. During this past week, I relived much of our marriage. I relived the times in Alabama when we were inseparable. I remembered people saying that we even started looking like each other. I remembered giving you a card each month as a celebration of us being together and culminating with a much bigger celebration after the first year of us. I was CRAZY about every part of you. I still cherish those times of walking and talking and listening.

Now, I can see clearly that I was not the husband I should have been and that I neglected you so often and too often. As I laid in my bed this week, I literally saw everywhere I went wrong and I cannot believe that I could have been so cold and so foolish, treating the most important person in my life the way I treated you. How could I? Why would I? Precious as you were, as innocent as you were...forgiving myself is extremely difficult.

As much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please know that I am doing this out of love for you. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve those special times we shared, I want to preserve the love I still have for you. Please, unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on our marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy do not contact me. Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger, and believe me I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

If you need to let me know something regarding the children, call Mr. Jones and have him give me the message. If there is anything that you should know regarding the children i.e. their performances, games, etc., Adonis is old enough that he can give you the information himself.

I have learned what committment entails and I am committed in my love for you and believe in our marriage. I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days loving you and devoting every part of me to you in reaching your happiness. I want more than ever to be a family again and for us to grow old together watching our children grow into young men and women. You are my wife. Your home is still here. I am still here. I will continue loving you as a husband as long as I possibly can.

With all my sincere love,

i think this version is awesome! before sending it, i recommend you get a stamp of approval from others, though.

a couple of other verrrrry small changes:

<strong>As I laid in my bed this week</strong>
change to 'our bed' -- again, a subtle but important distinction.

<strong>Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you.</strong>
call it what it is. it's not a relationship. it's an affair. period.

I'll give it the gold stamp of approval!

Do some hand exercises between paragraphs so you don't get too crampy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am very sad and depressed right now.

I just got off the phone with Mr. Jones. He is a guy from our church that has been speaking to the two of us all year. I told him of the letter and he said he did not approve. He said I was trying to manipulate her into doing what I want her to do. I told him that it is not for her to do anything, but for me, for me to heal without wondering if every time she contacts me is it because she wants to work it out. He could not see that. He told me if I give her that letter to not include his name in it. :-(
He is the only person who knows the two of us that we both speak with.

I'm depressed. I dont' want to drive her away and miss all chances of us getting back together. I don't know. I just don't know.

I need to go cry right now...

Mr Jones is wrong, wrong, wrong (Did I say he was wrong?) and if he doesn't want to be your intermediary then so be it. If you don't have another person to take Mr Jones place then you may want to just ask your W to please only communicate specific and very important child related matters and nothing else (except of course her desire to end her affair and rebuild the marriage) via e-mail (the least personal of all ways of communicating).

As far is this 3rd version of your Plan B letter is concerned, I think it is outstanding but you will have to once again modify it because of the recent development with Mr Jones.

I think I am still going to send it.

Pray for me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by solon:
<strong> I think I am still going to send it.

Pray for me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you think that Mr Jones may accept his role as intermediary afterall?

okay...wew! things are happening fast here. I just spoke with a woman at my church. This past month this lady has come into me and my children's life and has been a HUGE help. I have a daughter and I could never do her hair. This woman does her hair for me, she picks them up when I have to stay late, she really is nice and the kids LOVE her. She just said I could put her name instead of Jones'. the only thing is, my wife really does not know her. I told her to call her because her daughter is over there all the time and as her mother she should know who is keeping her kids sometimes. She did not want to though. But she knows this woman because she tells the children story at our church. Now she may be very uncomfortable in calling her though.

i'm sorry you are hurting right now. let it out. embrace it. let it go. because you have more work ahead of you. but first ...

of course you're trying to manipulate her -- any attempt to influence another person's behavior is a form of manipulation. therefore, manipulation, like persuasion (to use another, similar, word), isn't necessarily a bad thing.


the how and the why that drives the attempt at influence determines it's relative value good or bad. if you're trying to influence her to rob a bank for you -- that's bad. if you're trying to influence her to give up her affair and saving your marriage -- that's good.

Manipulate: to change by artful or unfair(emphasis added) means so as to serve one's purpose. (the definition states either artful OR unfair ... not artful AND unfair.)

you have given clear and enormously fair terms to your wife. without them she will waffle and continue to hurt you and your family as long as she's allowed to do so. with plan B you are telling her she doesn't have permission to do that.

i'm curious: in what ways WILL mr jones approve of you trying to save your marriage? i'm guessing that he's never walked in our shoes. if so, he's quite lucky.

now ... on to the business at hand. in finding your intermediary, please be sure they know what you're doing before volunteering them for the job.

think of others who might be an impartial ally for both you and you wife -- someone who wants to see both of you recover your marriage. tell them at what point you are and ask for help. let them know about this site and help them learn about plan B. this may take you a few more days.

plus, this helps expose the affair even more. more exposure, more pressure on it.

we who have helped you to this point kind of put the cart before the horse a little and assumed you had done a little more due diligence. i'm sorry that i made such an assumption.

hang in there ... lots of people here are in your corner and we believe you're doing the right thing.

solon:

Just in case 2MCM may have forgotten 2 mention it, Mr Jones is WRONG. DUBYA ARE OH EN GEE!!!

You are not manipulating her (can you guys believe *I* am saying that? ol' "no plan B!" 2long? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). You are protecting yourself.

The only way this might be construed as manipulation is that you are refusing 2 play along with the fence-sitting. You are pointing out 2 your W, lovingly, that she has a choice 2 make. She does NOT have the option of NOT making that choice. Time is of the essence, 2, becuase YOU have a choice as well.

All my best, I know how this feels.
-2long

I've refined one paragraph...tell me what you think. In listening to him I want it CLEAR that I am not trying to manipulate her into doing anything, but rather I am just doing this for myself. Tell me what you think.

Rhonda, as much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please, please, PLEASE, I cannot stress this enough, know that I am doing this out of love for you and not as an attempt to separate myself or manipulate you in any way. Please know this. Your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve that love and those special times we shared. I want to preserve the love I still have for you even now. When we talk, the fact that you are with someone angers me and I attack you and I push you further away from me and I slowly lose that love. Unless you are contacting me to tell me you want to work on our marriage and you have totally removed yourself from Randy, please do not contact me. Don't think that I am distancing myself from you out of anger. I know it is not often that we do communicate. But everytime we do, I am reminded of the reality of this whole situation. It kills me to know that you are with another and not at home with me and the children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong> If you don't have another person to take Mr Jones place then you may want to just ask your W to please only communicate specific and very important child related matters and nothing else (except of course her desire to end her affair and rebuild the marriage) via e-mail (the least personal of all ways of communicating).

As far is this 3rd version of your Plan B letter is concerned, I think it is outstanding but you will have to once again modify it because of the recent development with Mr Jones. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the one problem I have with Plan B and contibuted to its failing in my case. It takes a very special person to be an intermediary. Think about it. Most people have enough problems managing their own lives. To ask a friend to be a go between for an extended length of time has multiple possibilites for problems. Especially when you have kids whose needs can pop up without notice. I don't care whom you pick, that person cannot always be there when there may have to be verbal communication with the WS.

In this case you have to follow TMCM's advice as close as you can. But you have to be willing to accept that there may be times, depending on your children's needs, where you may have to verbally communicate with your wife. Just make it short and to the point.

thanks everyone (sorry to see you all divorced Hopeful. I hope that we don't, but I am aware that it my be enivitable).

Quick question. Would it be too much if I tell Rhonda that "when you moved out, I was angry and took that as the marriage being over. I am still your husband and I do not have anyone or anything to hide. I am giving you my email and voicemail passwords again"

I don't know, once she moved out, she changed all of her information so I changed mine as well. I want her to be able to trust me. Is this too much?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by solon:
<strong>Quick question. Would it be too much if I tell Rhonda that "when you moved out, I was angry and took that as the marriage being over. I am still your husband and I do not have anyone or anything to hide. I am giving you my email and voicemail passwords again"

I don't know, once she moved out, she changed all of her information so I changed mine as well. I want her to be able to trust me. Is this too much? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The mentioning of anger has no place in a love letter like Plan B. Please don't add it.

The issue of trust is something that can only be addressed AFTER she ends her affair with the OM and expresses to you a desire to rebuild the marriage. It is premature IMNSHO.

Instead try to think of another happy experience both of you had and included in your Plan B letter.

Okay, I have one addition that I have made. In thinking about her, I imagine that even though she is with this guy she is going through some discomfort. She must. She's separated from her family, her children and her God. She must need comforting. So I added this:

Rhonda, as much as I love the little conversations we sometimes have, I must remove myself totally from your life. You have chosen to give your love to another. Until you end all contact with Randy, I must end all conversation and contact with you. Please, please please know that I am doing this out of love for you and not as an attempt to separate myself or manipulate you in any way. I want to be close to you. I want to be there for you. I want to talk with you, laugh with you, plan with you. I want to be able to comfort you. But your relationship with Randy is a detriment to my love for you. I want to preserve that love and the special times we shared. I want to preserve the love I still have for you. When we talk, the fact that you are with someone hurts me and I attack you and I push you further away from me and I slowly lose that love.

I want her to know that I want to comfort her. I want her to remember how I comforted so many times before without directly saying, "remember when you...and I had to comfort you"