please give advice, I am new here. I have read the Divorce Busters, Dr Phil books and others.

Please read my story and give any advice you can.

I have been married for 14 years, we dated for 3 17 total very good years with each other. Here goes. My best fried of 20 years was having a very bad time in his marriage and needed to get out. He asked me if I minded if my wife went with him to pick out some stuff for his wife to help in his marriage.(clothes lingere etc.) This was 21/2 years ago. That ended and they started going dancing at some of the casinos. I was told over and over nothing was going on. this continued for another year or so. I told my wife and former best fried to stop going out. it didnt stop. Fast forward 2 years, my fried left his wife and needed a place to stay, of course it was at our house. this was in late Feb of 2003
after several weeks I noticed bickering between wife and I. Small arguments like why is the house a mess, she does not work, she was always going shopping or to babysit friends kids. All I asked was clean our place before going elsewhere.
Finally on June 30 or 14th Wedding Aniv. she told me she was tierd of me and left. Took both of our daughters and moved in with her parents.
Thisis also a blackeye on our marriage as her mother never cared for me. Her mothr was very sick. Wife moved in to take care of mother. When wife moved out I took credit cards from her but gave her money for the children, since she moved out in june my former friend has bought her a cell phone, she has money in a checking account being sent to his companies business address, he takes the wife out to eat.......she has Lasik eye surgery...most of the things I could not afford.
I have started checking my old cell phone records
and found where he was calling 8- 10 times per day. After she moved, I done all of the things you all advise not to cry, beg, I'll change etc.
we both were very mad her telling me she never loved me, shes been unhappy for years......I
called her a quitter, accused her of an affair
which she has denied, I confronted the old friend
and all he said was heck move on. he is the ONLY person to tell me that. My wife an I were out
with friends 1 night before she left. Sex life was great, 3 to 4 time a week, she always started it. great kids and friends, new swimming pool, everything she wanted... I just found out that she went and filed for the Big D on 11-25
she has not even told me, she also has one of the most expensive D lawyers in town.

Am I done for. I had no idea, neither did neighbors, friends, family, our friends told me us getting divorced was like all McDonalds shutting down at the same time. Her mother passed away in early Sept. wife tells my sister in law who she is close with she is happy, when I ask wife about us hse tells me there is no us were done, its over..what do I need to do to try and save this marriage, kids 9 and 6 tell me all the time they want to come home all the time.

Please help, also is there an example of a
plan A letter I could go by for ideas or am I doomed ?

Here's clue #1:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My best fried of 20 years was having a very bad time in his marriage and needed to get out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have any idea why his marriage collapsed? Have you talked to his ex?

Sounds like this has been going on a very long time.

I don't understand why you permitted him to stay in YOUR home.

Low

Welcome to MB - sorry you had to find this site under these circumstances.

I am the WW in my story, so I do not have too much advice for your side. Your W has the classic signs of someone in an affair - it clouds everything. She can't see how this is effecting you or the kids. She is heavily in the fog. What I would recommend is to read "Surviving an Affair" You can order it on this site. It will give you a lot of answers and were to start.

There are others on your side of the story that will probably respond and give you better input than I can.

(Like you, my H invited my OM - old single friend - to live next door in our rental - sealed his own doom. Luckily, mine had a happy ending.)

My friend left his marriage because he said he was unhappy, he and his wife argued all the time, I have since found out most of what he has told everyone about his ex is a lie. He has also told his mother I was abbusive to my wife, that
probably hurts more than anything. Why did he buy the cell phone for her, where did she get the 4k in her checking account.....I knkow, my question is how do I stop it and get her to
at least give me a 1st chance. She told me she was leaving on June 30. Moved out on July 3rd filed for D on Nov 25, why so fast? what can I do to slow things down. The past 3 weeks I have have very little to say to her, just I will pick up the kids from school, etc. She has tried to argue with me while the kids are in gymnastics
while all other parents are around at PTA meetings at school, she never cussed while we were married now its all the time, she like to tell me she has no money but is always buying the kids clothes, going out to eat with them.
Our kids tell me he is not there anymore, when I confronted him right after she left and asked him to stop calling her and seeing her he said no. I told him again and he said he was going to have a restraining order placed on me. he is still in the middle of a very bad divorce, he walked out on his wife like my wife did to me.

what is my best plan of action that will at least give me a chance, I have said the kids need me etc. everytime them see me they run to
me no matter if wife and I are both there,they have always been Daddy's girls. There is also the neighbor, who is one of her friends, she tells the wife every move I make, when I leave and come back, what I am doing in the yard,

Please help

Me 40
her 38
2 Daughters 9 and 6
Married 14
dated 3
She told me she was unhappy June 30
left July 3
filed for D on Nov 25

This doesn't sound hopeless at all to me. You have lots of opportunities here if you play your cards right.

First off, I would read everything you can about Plan A and Plan B and start working Plan A NOW. She will come out from under the fog eventually and its important that she can come back to you - under certain circumstances - when she does. You just don't want to cause any damage that will prevent that, ok?

And that means being civil and pleasant as possible and avoiding ALL lovebusters. Don't argue with her EVER, but don't give her any money. Giving her money, except for the girls, only enables her behavior and allows her to stay away longer.

It would also be helpful if you could get in touch with his W and get her here so she can start working MB principles and we can help her. That is, IF she wants to save her marriage. If she is lovebusting from the other end, she is just THROWING her H into your W's arms. If she uses Plan A then she can hopefully attract him back towards her.

In essence, Plan A is a program of ATTRACTION designed to attract your wife back to you and away from him. Think of all the reasons that caused her to fall in love with you and try to give her those same reasons again. [as best as she will let you anyway]

Lastly, I would strongly recommend ordering Surviving an Affair by Harley and getting into couseling with the Harleys if you can. They are top notch marriage counselors who can often do more in 2 sessions than most others can EVER DO. And keep coming back here every day for support. You will get lots of help. But, by no means give up hope! This is far from over.

Have you hired an attorney? If she has her own attorney, I would suggest getting one of your own so you can protect your interests.

How is she supporting herself if she doesn't work?

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

My wife works as a hair dresser(cuts hair) now she drives all over to each persons house or they come to her parents house and she does it there. She had a beauty shop custom built at our house. I have changed the locks on it.I have stopped giving her money and now she is telling me I dont support my kids and dont deserve to see them. The other night she had our oldest daughter ask how much stock I have at work and what my 401k was worth. She had her ask me why am I being wonder dad. I told our daughter i was working out again and the wife had her ask how much I was paying for that. (I workout at home in the custom shop that is in our back yard)when she takes them to the Dr. she tells me how much she had to spend on the med. Now she has to pay for her own cell phone and was telling me the
bill was overdue, she tells me her father is helping her and her father payed for her Lasik eye surgery of 1600.00 dollars. this was 2 weeks after her mothers funeral. My wife hates best friends wife because ex Best friend told us all she did was talk bad about us, I have found out this is all lies. best friend did not want my wife and his talking so he made up lies. I have asked if she was cheating on me and she tells me no I was/am just unhappy. Nobody saw this, I cannot express this enough. I found out my ex best friend was telling my wife when I complained about some of her shopping sprees.
when I asked him about that he said I only done it once, I dont want to get in the middle..
I now know he would come back to my house while I was at work and talk about how happy he was now that he has left his wife and did not have to hear about her complaining. I have stopped all arguing with her. The D papers have not been served, I have called the court house and found out she filed, she wants to have me served at work.
Court says I can pick them up in 2 weeks. There is such a back log it will be at least July before we will have a court date. I dont want this, I love her which I have told her a million time's. what do I do now at Christmas, do I get her any gifts or not ?

thanks for all your help these past months have been the worst of my life. I know the wife is on Anti Dep, since her mothers death.

blog, here are my suggestions:

1. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A

2. counseling with the Harleys if you can

3. get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley

4. recruit the OM's wife to help from her end if you can

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to get her a nice present for Christmas. Not anything too elaborate.

Don't tell her all the time that you love her or act too needy. It will just push her away. You want to ATTRACT her. Be polite, happy and civil around her.

Also, when your daughters ask you questions about your finances, etc, I would suggest telling them that it is private information between you and your wife. Don't let her drag them into it if you can help it.

Can you get on anti-depressants?

What do think led her to this affair? Are there emotional needs that weren't getting met in your marriage? What needs did the OM meet that lured her to him?

I think a large part was the going out on thursdays. I worked and would come home and spend time there, new pool, hottub, friends cooking out. she worked at home and guess liked getting away from home sometimes. I also think
he used what I was telling him about my wife against me. like if I complained about something he would tell her he didnt care about stuff like that. I am really doing fine now, just holding out hope but I also think of the worst. The
GBLOGBD stands for "get busy living or get busy dieing" quote from Shawshank Redemption.
I hold out hope and have never given up. should I tell my wife I know about the D papers or just have my attorney contact hers and act like no big deal. I really love her, I have always given her everything she wanted, boob job, pool, hottub
beauty shop.....I probably let her down emotionally, when she would cry about her mother
who also hated her, mother told her she was not welcome in her home as long as she was married to me. Her mother did ask to see me though before she passed away and wife and father in law asked me to be paul bearer at the funeral. I would get her to talk about the children, I thought if she talked about happy things she would feel better. I think the friend would listen when they went out on Thursdays. Maybe I couldnt see the forest because of the trees.
I have asked numerous times not very recent for her to meet me for lunch. She is always busy.
Crazy to think This could happen to me, wife and I were always together. what type of christmas gift are you talking about, I thought of getting her the canvas painting she wanted of the kids and getting it framed, that will be around 100 dollars. Do I get her to talk to me by not talking to her ?
I miss her but thinking of the gblogbd(Andy told Red before the breakout) keeps me
going forward, so does working out. Best Friends wife has told a mutual friend I could use any
thing she has in my case if it comes to that. X best friends mother is on the side of his wife.
x bestfriend and his wife have no chance he only talks to his kids once every 2 weeks, I call my children everynight and go eat lunch with them at school about every other week. Should I cut back on this ?

I think a large part was the going out on thursdays. I worked and would come home and spend time there, new pool, hottub, friends cooking out. she worked at home and guess liked getting away from home sometimes. I also think
he used what I was telling him about my wife against me. like if I complained about something he would tell her he didnt care about stuff like that. I am really doing fine now, just holding out hope but I also think of the worst. The
GBLOGBD stands for "get busy living or get busy dieing" quote from Shawshank Redemption.
I hold out hope and have never given up. should I tell my wife I know about the D papers or just have my attorney contact hers and act like no big deal. I really love her, I have always given her everything she wanted, boob job, pool, hottub
beauty shop.....I probably let her down emotionally, when she would cry about her mother
who also hated her, mother told her she was not welcome in her home as long as she was married to me. Her mother did ask to see me though before she passed away and wife and father in law asked me to be paul bearer at the funeral. I would get her to talk about the children, I thought if she talked about happy things she would feel better. I think the friend would listen when they went out on Thursdays. Maybe I couldnt see the forest because of the trees.
I have asked numerous times not very recent for her to meet me for lunch. She is always busy.
Crazy to think This could happen to me, wife and I were always together. what type of christmas gift are you talking about, I thought of getting her the canvas painting she wanted of the kids and getting it framed, that will be around 100 dollars. Do I get her to talk to me by not talking to her ?
I miss her but thinking of the gblogbd(Andy told Red before the breakout) keeps me
going forward, so does working out. Best Friends wife has told a mutual friend I could use any
thing she has in my case if it comes to that. X best friends mother is on the side of his wife.
x bestfriend and his wife have no chance he only talks to his kids once every 2 weeks, I call my children everynight and go eat lunch with them at school about every other week. Should I cut back on this ?

Anybody have ideas that my slow things down, do I tell her I know she filed, why is mine going so fast?

get:

Your story isn't unusual. That's the first thing I can tell you... ...although I know it doesn't helpt 2 hear that now, with time it will.

There are even people here that have been through speedier divorces than you're facing. You really do have a lot going for you, time being one of them. If the earliest court date is next July, you have between now and then 2 work on your plan A and make it the best you can. Also, if and when she does serve the DV papers, find out what your obligations are in returning them. Most places, you can stall a DV by waiting until the last minute, or protest it if you do have 2 respond.

I'm wondering. If you have a custom shop for her 2 work out of, why not let her have access 2 that so she can continue 2 work at home, even if she's not living there. It might be more convenient than the way she's doing things now, and it would be good plan A behavior, so long as it doesn't ADD 2 the friction, and she doesn't have access 2 other parts of the house you don't want her in.

Get her the painting of the kids if that's what you think she'd like. I think it's a great idea. Also, don't cut back on spending time with the kids. This is also good plan A behavior, and it goes a long way 2 help your kids through a tough time while giving you a distraction from worrying about what your WW is doing.

-ol' 2long

The shop is in the back yard and I have told her she can and should use it. she told me no. She told me i will get by, She is very angry, even in the past when people would talk about my ex best friend wife would be very defensive of him.
shoud i let her know I found out she filed or
just have an attorney contact hers, What do I do now that I cut off the money and she complains, what do I tell her without her getting mad and telling me how sorry I am again. Any plan A help is welcome.

get:

"The shop is in the back yard and I have told her she can and should use it. she told me no. She told me i will get by,"

Then don't bring it up anymore, but keep the option open. In other words, keep the shop just the way she left it, so that whenever she comes and sees it, she can be reminded of what she's giving up. IF you someday have 2 go 2 plan B or end up divorced, then you might consider packing up her stuff and converting it into a woodshop or machine shop with all kinds of cool guy 2ls! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm kidding, of course.

"She is very angry, even in the past when people would talk about my ex best friend wife would be very defensive of him. "

I would be very, very surprised if she's not having an EA and a PA with him. But it doesn't matter. These angry outbursts are "necessary" for her 2 justify her behavior and protect herself from facing the consequences of her choices. She's "blame-shifting." The best remedy for that is simply NOT 2 play along. Don't blame her, either. Once, last year, when my W tried 2 blame me for the umpteenth time for her A, I tried a different tack. I said "Tell you what. I will cheerfully accept full responsibility for everything that's wrong with our M. That way, you don't have 2 worry about who's fault anything was. It's all mine. Does that help?" And she ac2ally came 2 MY defense, saying "It wasn't all your fault." But you know what? That only helped for a few minutes. The fog never cleared up and we slogged on for many, many more months before real progress started 2 show. I think that, looking back on it now, it showed me just how important truly following the plan A plan is. You will struggle with thoughts of how 2 make sense of what's happening, when logic and reason have absolutely nothing 2 do with it, and so cannot be applied. Plan A is behavior modification. It's empirically developed by the Harleys through applying and fine-tuning it via working with thousands of couples over the years. Cases like yours are prime candidates for MB methods. You WILL make it!

"shoud i let her know I found out she filed or
just have an attorney contact hers,"

I wouldn't let her know anything until you get served, and only THEN have your attorney contact hers. You don't know yet whether she will even have you served. Many get cold feet before they serve you. Many others get cold feet AFTER they serve. And still others get cold feet when the DV becomes final.

"It ain't over until we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" - Animal House.

"What do I do now that I cut off the money and she complains, what do I tell her without her getting mad and telling me how sorry I am again."

If you have 2 cut off the money, tell her in an email or written letter. Be kind, not spiteful. If she gets angry, try 2 ignore her anger. Ignore her emails and phone messages, or deflect if you can if she confronts you in person. Let her OWN her own anger and deal with it somehow. Don't accept it. You didn't put her in the si2ation she's created.

best,
-ol' 2long

I know she has filed and was told by the court I could come pick the papers up without being served at work papers will be ready in 2 weeks. She told me several months ago she filed the papers then told her previous attorny not to file. Now out of the blue she has filed and has not told me, I have cutoff all conversation with her unless its about the children, should i ask her to lunch ? or what
I am in need of plan A advice, how often to wifes return ? I want my family back..

I know she has filed and was told by the court I could come pick the papers up without being served at work
Don't go pick them up. If you don't get served or sign a waiver, then you are not notified.

Thanks, I will not pick them up. If I am to be served it will be at work. Do I ask her out to lunch and let her tell me no, just ask how she has been doing, I really dont know where to start. Months ago I was asking what she doing all day, hwere she went etc. I have not asked in
in about 6-8 weeks, Should i continue to call the children every night. The wife gets mad when I tell them I miss them. please help.

Ask her 2 lunch if you want 2. If she says no, don't be upset (and if you anticipate it and feel you'd get upset, don't ask her). Do what you feel you can 2 stay in contact with her during plan A, so long as you aren't applying 2 much pressure on her. Now, it could be that ANY contact will feel like pressure 2 her. You'll have 2 play that by ear. In any case, read up on plan A and avoid ALL LBs while in it. Be religious about that, as it's by far the most important thing you need 2 do during plan A (or anytime between now and the rest of your life, for that matter).

She gets upset when you tell your kids you miss them? ...Sheez! ...well, DON'T say that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But by no means stop talking 2 your kids about how much you love them.

Why don't you have joint custody of your kids?

edit: By "don't say that" I meant don't say "sheez!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> By all means tell your kids you miss them if you do!

-2long

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

I can see the kids when I want, I see them o nthe weekends, everyother weekend now. Another question, do I stop going out with friends to eat
or watch a game at some of the local restraunts like TGI*, Is there any time frame I can expect to have her come clean ? I have heard that my Ex Best Friend admitted to his mother he had an affair on his wife, Should I talk to her whom I know well ?