Steve,

I have been following your deal but unable to weigh in due to my hectic situation. I will try to do so tomorrowthough. The legal battle is something I am well aware of...and I believe that many of the things I did to "pen her in" helped lead her out of the fog.

More tomorrow.

In His arms.

Hey Steve, I'm definitely no expert but in my opinion I think it may be time for you to start thinking about moving on. You can't hang out in limbo forever. I would go for everything you can get in court but don't let them find out about your intentions. In my case in Florida, which is a "no fault" state the court doesn't care about who did what. They just divide assets based on purely financial reasons. But Alabama is a little more old-fashioned and conservative so they can find fault on one side or the other which may result in more gain for you. You really need evidence, especially if you can get photographic evidence of them together. Since you've already got the D papers you should get ready for this. And don't give them any ammo against you (don't go out on any dates) because they can twist that to say you were the one having the affair. You may be able to get custody claiming she is unfit due to her affairs and I'd also sue the OM for breaking up your marriage.

I have thought about this, I am moving on even though I really love my wife and would like her back in my life. Everyone tells me I'm crazy but it is my decision only!!!

Right now I am in the circle of life, I have reduced my circle so that the down time is small.

I have started moving on an up So I am going to increase my circle so that I will be ontop longer. Think about it!!

Make no mistake, I will NEVER give up. when someone gives up EVERY chance they have of
getting to the top is gone. Thats not my cup of tea.

I'm not going on any dates, been out with friends, just to hang out. 40 year young guys
dont really want to do the bar thing all over.

I still hold out hope, but not getting my hopes up.

read above post as well, do you ned to send plan b letter after rec'ing Divorce papers ?

Wife never calls, just talks in the background when I am talking to kids, only time She even hears my voice is when she answers the phone
and I ask to speak with the kids.

Looks like there is no stopping this Train I'm on
consider your self lucky if you wife talks or anything. I never got a chance from the day she left.

I don't know Steve. I went through my A 3 years ago and didn't know about this web site until recently. However I'm still feeling the after-effects and I never got anything other than denials from my wife that anything was going on. I'm not sure what the rules are and I didn't do any Plan A/B thing. But from reading your story it appears this has been going on for a LONG time and personally I think it's time for you to let go. I think you can come out on top in court if you have evidence. Don't worry about the bar scene, start checking out some of the online dating sites, there are a lot of women out there. The best way to get over an old relationship is to start a new one but don't do it until after the divorce is final.

Layer, he is using Marriage Builders principles in his marriage right now in the hope of eventually restoring his marriage. We have all seen worse cases than his result in happy endings. It's way to early for him to give up hope. He's not even to Plan B yet.

The worst thing in the world he could do right now is date other women. First off, he is married and secondly, that would only complicate and impede ANY CHANCE of reconciliation. He has a long way to go before he is recovered enough from this trauma to be available to date others.

I know Melody but in his case divorce papers have already been filed. He probably has a court date and he needs to think about protecting his self financially. Do you still continue MB principles after the divorce is final?? At this point he needs to counter file within a certain number of days (I think like 15, depends on the state) or else if he doesn't respond to the court then the terms by which she filed are accepted by default. So she could have asked for the house, all property, sole custody, everything and unless he counter files that's what is going to happen.

I did not suggest that he go out and date other women. He seemed kind of depressed about being 40 and not into the "bar scene" anymore and not confident about meeting someone else. I just suggested the dating web sites for AFTER the divorce is final as a way to meet women. You can hold out hope until the very end and that's great but right now he has to protect himself legally.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: Layer3 ]</small>

Layer, absolutely he needs to protect himself legally and he is doing that. There is nothing in Plan A or B that precludes him from doing that or counterfiling. She filed for divorce but that changes nothing as far as his plan goes.

ok, Im 40 NO BIG DEAL, I will have no problem meeting anyone. This is not what I want.

I Just found out the OM admitted he had an affair with my wife in his deposition today.
His Divorce is final.

My wife did have an affiar with my ex best friend of 20 years, I have been with my wife 17years.

I dont know how long it has been going on.

What do I say to my wife now!!!

Steve, I wonder why he did that? Did his XW tell you he did? I would certainly bring it up to her. Tell her that you know about her affair and that OM admitted it in his divorce proceedings. Just don't let her bait you into a fight, but let her know that you do know the truth and can now understand her behavior.

Yes Om's wife told me he admitted to the affair in Mediation today. He was very mad but had to admit to it with all of the evidence she had. The OM admitted to it to keep my wife out of a deposition that was scheduled for next week.

Do I tell my wife I love her and want to try and work this out.

OM's wife said OM did not want everyone to know.

Please give me some advice, I think its now or never.

I also now am at the point is this marriage workable, it looks doomed if she filed for D or could she have been pushed by OM during this past time. When do I ask how long this has been going on etc

Wow! Do you have a court date Steve? You are definitely in a good position legally if he admitted to the affair!! File a counter suit, tell them you want everything, house, kids, dog, all property, etc. Claim that your wife is an unfit mother because of the affair and demand full custody of your kids and child support payments from her.

File a separate lawsuit against the other man seeking damages for emotional pain and distress and for breaking up your marriage. Sue for all the associated legal fees as well so he has to pay the court costs. If like you say in your story he paid for your wife to get lasik eye surgery and that other expensive stuff he's probably got money and assets.

So if the OM's divorce is final, then your wife may feel additional pressure and incentive to finalize your divorce. She may see the "light at the end of the tunnel" now that the OM is divorced and it may be even harder for her to go back.

Keep holding out hope that your wife will change her mind if you want but after all this time you need to face the possible reality that she isn't coming back. Maybe you taking strong legal actions will snap her out of the "fog". Good luck..keep us posted.

<small>[ January 24, 2004, 12:25 AM: Message edited by: Layer3 ]</small>

My wife said her father paid for the surgery, I really dont think that is the case, I realy think it was the OM. I have and do think about it being over. The OMs ex wife has said she will testify for me and give me all of her evidence,
cell records credit card stuff etc. The OM works for himself and hides a lot of money.
Construction jobs for cash etc.

what do I say to the wife, I want to try and make it work.

Do you have a court date for your divorce? I don't know what you should say. Call her up, ask her if she's happy about the way things are turning out. Tell her you heard that the OM admitted, IN COURT, that he had an affair.

Ask her if she wants to meet somewhere and ask her if she can say face-to-face that this is what she wants to do and let her know that she could still come back and it's not too late. "Has this gone far enough yet? Are we going to make this divorce final?". Those are the kind of questions I would ask...

yes the court date is set for April 14th, Attorney said it will delayed about 6months.

She still has not gotten the inorogitories?

Should i wait to try and speak with her?

I don't know Steve. My A was 3 years ago and I did not know about this web site. My situation was a lot different than yours. I did not do any plan A/B thing and I'm not an expert on them. She did not acutally leave me she just kept sneaking around and denying anything was going on. It went on for months, I don't think the guy had any intention of trying to steal her away, they were just enjoying themselves at my expense. My marriage survived, basically by me telling her she had to get out because I was getting transferred out of state (I'm military) and I didn't want her coming with me. At first I was a wimpering, crying fool begging her to stop and come back but when the time came for me to leave I was ready to throw her out. A few weeks before the movers were scheduled to come she came and said she would "stay with me" and I just said ok. Things are good now, we survived and she says she wants to "forget the past" but when I ask for details of what past we're supposed to forget she just shuts up. So I've just let it go and things are going well but she knows if anything like that ever happens again she'll find her stuff on the street. So I didn't really follow the plans and advice they are giving here but my situation was different than yours. I don't really know what to tell you at this point. I think my wife came back to me when she saw I had the strength to go on without her and I could start over and didn't need her anymore. I really was ready and somewhat looking forward to being single again but I did hold out hope that she would change her mind at the last minute and she did. But this is different in your case since she has already left and filed the papers.

I guess Im dealing with when to tell her I know he admitted it. His ex said she would testify if/when we go to court. I dont think she has told her father either. but damn he has to have some idea with all the money that has been pouring in. Another thing the neighbor is very good friends with my wife, she wont speak to me, I tried talking to her just to let her know i
hold no hard feelings towards her, she stood in the yard and listened to conversations I had then told my wife about them.

At this late stage I would tell her now. If you can get her to talk to you and ask her if she's happy at the way things are turning out and just mention, matter of factly, that you heard the OM admitted in his divorce case that he had an affair with her.

If you want to be bold and follow my example, also say that even though you're sad and this isn't what you wanted, you are looking forward to getting this over with since she appears to have made up her mind. But just leave the hint that the door is still open and she can change her mind but you just don't feel like she will. This is just me talking and I don't know if it agrees with the MB principles here or not.

What do you all think of me talking to OM's mother. I have been told by his Ex the mother knows everything? would this kill all chances of
wife and I talking ?

Or do I keep quite and wait till court date and tell her, OM and wife had to sign papers not to talk about each other.

This is after he has told everyone lies about his ex and myself. I know he told his mom I was abusive etc.
Big fat lie.

Steve, I would tell as many as possible but right now I wouldn't tell the OM's mother. I would leave that up to the OMW. And the reason WHY is because your W may view it as an attack on HIM, which would push them together. It doesn't necessarily serve your purpose.

On the other hand, I would absolutely call her father and let him know. Tell him that you know your W is telling lies about abuse. Anyone else in her family you can tell?

I would then call her up and just let her know that you know about the affair and that OM has admitted it in court. Don't challenge, don't let her bait you into a fight. Just let her know that you know and your attorney knows and leave it at that.

I hope Mortarman comes over and gives you some tips on how to squeeze her in the divorce issue.