Steve, no, it is NOT the final straw AT ALL! Plan B is almost always used as part of this process. There are no guarantees, of course, but the idea is that once you take control here and end contact, that she will miss you. It also sends the message to her that you are not going to tolerate her disrespect anymore and will be removing yourself from the situation.

I don't know if this will cause her to miss you, but it seems that any contact with you only emboldens her to demonize you even more. Plan A has not helped much in your case, except to stop giving her more ammunition to demonize you.

So, I am hoping that by ending contact, the demonization will cease to an extent that she starts thinking clearly again. And by showing her that you are no longer sitting on the sidelines hoping for crumb, you might wake her up a bit and make her realize that she no longer has you as a fallback.

If she comes out to car to talk to you, smile at her and tell her to please contact you through your intermediary. Just be a broken record until she gets the message.

Steve, see, right now she is in charge and you are sitting on the sidelines waiting for her mandates. You essentially are at the mercy of a crazy woman. With a Plan B letter, you take back control of the situation. You tell her how contact will be but you do it in a loving manner that gives her a PATH BACK to you.

Her affair with the OM is very likely to NOT LAST. What they have done to you and OMW, they will do to each other eventually. We just need to remove you from the scene so you are no longer the demon in the story. Let them start scrutinizing each other. We just want you to be ready to take her back when it all falls apart.

give me sample letter, I will try it.
I will post it here and let you read it first.
will she be able to use the letter against me in the divorce.
I am filling out all the questions as we speak.

Steve, do a search on this forum for some other letters. Here is an outline that ChrisCA-123 wrote that I liked:

1 – I love you.
2 – I apologize for the part I played in getting our marriage where it is now. (give one or two examples – ignoring her on anniversaries/birthdays or whatever.)
3 – You continued affair is causing me intense pain. I cannot have any contact with you until you end it.
4 – If you must contact me about kids, or your decision to end affair, then call (friend) and friend will get message to me.
5 - I love you and know we can work everything out if we both put forth the effort.

You could pattern your letter around that outline without being too mushy. But do a search for Plan B letters and you can read some of the others on this forum. Then when you are done, please post it so we can help you tweak it.

Update, I was talking to the kids tonight and asked about a field trip they were going on, My wife had our daughter ask if I would pay for the next trip. I heard her say" ask daddy if he has enough money to pay for the next trip". I told my daughter to tell me about her day and did not acknowledge the comment by my wife. I heard her ask several more time. I finally told my daughter this was adu;t talk and we were not going to talk about it.
I am going to do my best to write a letter in the am. I am getting together al of the info requested by the wifes attorney.

Good, I am glad you are going to work on the letter. And good job with your daughter.

Maybe you could tell her also that she needs to tell her mother to ask you DIRECTLY, that this is a subject for adults and NOT KIDS. Tell her that her mother should not be asking kids to ask you questions like this and train her to say to her mom: "dad says to ask him yourself." If you could train them to say that, she might get the message and stop using your kids to get to you. grrrrrrr

Do I need to give her a letter or just cut off all talks with her. I have stopped leaving voice
messages for the kids when I call. If its ok I will not speak to her at all. will this work or do I need to do the letter.

Steve:

if you're going 2 do plan B, you need 2 do it by the book, and that means read the sample plan B letters, post one of your own here, and get editorial comments before you give it 2 your W.

Do NOT try 2 do plan B without a plan B letter.

best,
-ol' 2long

I will post a letter tonight, how do I know if she will read it? most everything else she tears up?

Steve, the LETTER is the ENTIRE point! Please don't consider doing Plan B without sending the letter. It gives your reasons, explains your feelings and gives her a path back. Without that, it is destructive.

OK how is this for Plan B letter

Dear ******
First let me start by telling you I Love You.
I would also like to tell you I am truly sorry for my part in allowing our marrige to get to get to this point.
I now know how hurt you must have been the day you fell and hurt yourself and I came to the hospital to see you. I turned and walked away
without offering any support to my wife. This was not the way I should have acted.
The affair you have had during our marriage has caused me unbelivable pain. It is for this reason, I must end all contact with you until the affair ends. I am doing this so I can remain in love with you and hope to rebuild our family.

Should you ever need to contact me about our 2 beautiful daughters ****** and ******* or about your decision to end the affair please contact ******, ****** or ******* and have them to give me any messages you may have. Please do not send messages thru the kids, any messages sent thru
the kids will not be responded to.

Please call me for ANY emergency at ********
or ********* or ***********.

I still love you with all my heart and know you and I can overcome this regardless of what others say.

Love or what here?
S****

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:
OK how is this for Plan B letter

Dear ******
First let me start by telling you I Love You.
I would also like to tell you I am truly sorry for my part in allowing our marrige to get to get to this point.

I now know how hurt you must have been the day you fell and hurt yourself and I came to the hospital to see you. I turned and walked away
without offering any support to my wife. This was not the way I should have acted.

The affair you are having has caused me unbelievable pain and is eroding what remaining love I have for you. It is for this reason, I must end all contact with you until the affair ends. I am doing this so[b] I can protect any remaining feelings I have for you.

Should you ever need to contact me about our 2 beautiful daughters ****** and ******* or about your decision to end the affair please contact ******, ****** or ******* and have them to give me any messages you may have. Please do not send messages thru the kids, any messages sent thru
the kids will not be responded to.

Please call me for ANY emergency at ********
or ********* or ***********.

I still love you with all my heart and know we can overcome this if we tried. With hard work, we can recapture the intense love we once had for another. Until then, I must remove myself from this situation.

All my love,
S**** </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really like it! I made some minor changes, use them if you want. I like that you kept it short and didn't ruin it with too much sentimentality. I think that would sour her on the letter because she is so hostile and detached. Best keep it short and sweet without pouring too much heart into it since she may initially mock it.

I am not experienced in Plan B letters, so would you Plan B pro's please give Steve some feedback here?

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Hi
In regards to you calling your children when they are at their mum's (and you are in plan B) If it is financially affordable could you not get a cell phone for your 9 year old & explain to her that this will only be used to comunicate with you etc. I don't know if she is responsible enough but just something for you to think about. May God bless your efforts.

Good luck Steve.

So a botched hospital visit caused the whole affair? I wouldn't mention any specific incident unless it was really significant. I would just say I'm sorry for all the mistakes I have recently made in our marriage that contributed to your unhappiness.

No the hospital thing is what she keeps bringing up.
Any one have Ideas on the letter.
My attorney is getting a statement from the OM's
ex wife's attorney that he admitted to the affair.
The wife had the kids ask last night if I was going to take them away from Mommy, I told them that was adult talk. They also said Mommy said were were getting a big house with lots of land and said we can get a horse. I told her that was nice and we would talk about that later.
I found out she just had a prescription filled for pain pills and sinus stuff.

Hi Steve,

Well, I just spent an hour and a half(with a few breaks) reading ALL the posts from day one of your story and what a story.

Your wife sounds like a particularly vindictive woman who has SERIOUS self esteem and self worth issues("boob job" and temper tantrums,LASIK eye surgery,manipulation,anger,shopping sprees,etc) not to mention my heart breaks for your children.It is so disgusting how she has manipulated them in this whole mess and they are definitely going to be scarred by all this.It is just awful.It sounds like everyone could use some counseling,especially your W.

All I would offer at this point is that which was already mentioned,Plan B.
This Plan helps you to detach from the drama and pain that this whole process has inflicted upon you.You become more like business partners for the sake of your sanity and also by cutting off the air supply to your W's repeated attempts to demoralize you.

Even if you still end up divorced,you will have begun to heal *yourself by not being around your W.And,your children need you and a stable life more than ever after this terrible trauma they have been part of.Your W sounds UNSTABLE to me and she should not have custody of them in my opinion.

Plan B has helped me break free from the source of my pain(WH) and begin to focus on myself and children more instead of the selfish ongoing saga of my WH A.It is a worthwhile plan.Hang in there.

Lastly,you should keep a journal and start documenting her irrational/dysfunctional behavior just for future reference.If and when in court,you will want to have a record of her instability and treatment of you and specifically her children when and if it comes down to D day.

O

Thanks Oct..I have kept a record of the things she says to the kids and places they go. In
Alabama I dont know if it will help any at all.
Maybe when the kids get older I will let them read it? any thoughts? When I listen to her talk I can hear her wanting to suck the wind out of me and have me die right before her. With Valentines day around the corner, I am going to get the girls something and forget her. This did
not go well at Christmas as you have read.
I am in the middle of the Divorce now, I have had to answer all the questions from her attorney. now its hers. How long have you been in plan B and has it helped.

Hi again,

Personally, I would not let my children read my journal of pain(if I kept one).It is only for the sole purpose of helping you in court such as showing a person's "conduct" which applies in my state.Each state may be different.

As for Plan B,I have been in it now for "only" 5 weeks.I wanted to start it sooner,around December of last year,but it was hard with all the holidays and family get together's.I did not see WH the first 3 weeks of December though so I'm not sure you could count that because technically,I broke the Plan B for Christmas.I had no choice at the time.

My WH is working in another state right now so that makes it easier for me to actually be in the plan.And it has been so much better for me to not have him around knowing he has not stopped his long distance A(homewrecker lives in Canada) and it has also helped not talking to him.We only send eachother brief,business like e-mails regarding finances and childrens issues.

WH has attempted many times to draw me into to talking to him but I cannot.It is too painful.I feel SAFE being in Plan B.Thank you Dr.Harley! So,there you go.I am a proud supporter of Plan B.It is working for me if only to help me get stronger and be strong for my daughters.

I don't know if my WH will ever decide to not be his selfish self and come back to his family but I can honestly say that it doesn't matter to me as much any more.I can see clearly being in Plan B and it has helped me to get to a point where I can be ok with whatever the outcome is.It will still be hard either way but I am stronger now.I don't have to make any decisions regarding D,I will leave that up to WH.Right now,I am just focusing on my daughter's, myself and my beloved home.And I continue to get support from my family,friends and my I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> n-laws and SIL which has been so wonderful.

Good luck to you.I will keep reading and hoping for you.

O

I dont know if the plan b is going to work, My wife has made no contact to call or contact me in any way at all the last 3 weeks. I have not even given her the plan B letter. I really think she does not care the least. the kids have told me Mommy said we are going to get a big house and lots of land so we can get a horse. I have slips from the insurance company, looks like wife is Dr shopping.....anyway.
Since she makes no effort at all to contact me in any form, Whats the use ?

gb,

Plan B is for you to heal. NC with your W will allow you to protect what love you have left. While she is out there supposedly making 'big' plans, reality will hit. Now you can also use this time to secure your future and NOT give her any $$ (for the WS to use for the A) or meet her ENs. As long as she can string you into enabling her A, then you are not in plan B, instead you c/b in a bad plan A and being used by the Ws which invalidates the purpose of plan A.

Remember, plan B is for YOUR protection. Whether the WS contacts you or not is a side benefit. Many find that plan B brings relief to the BS and family. No longer are they being sucked into the daily pain of the A being thrown in their face along with the hurtful babbling from the WS.

L.

<small>[ February 07, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>