Hi all,

Haven't been here in awhile, and wanted to ask, how do you REALLY know if your spouse is cheating on you?

I've asked a zillion times (knowing he STILL may not just tell me), my antennae is up as to where he goes, and I'm able to see all he does online.

NOTHING!

He goes to work (mechanic, 1 married woman there), he either comes home or goes to his brother's house to work on cars (I've asked several times without warning, if I can meet him there and he has no problem with it), and he stops off at the store for me after work, if I ask him to, and goes to the store on week-ends for me.

Other than that, he's usually home. He did go to an all day snowmobile show a week ago, but that was it.

His computer is completely clear, and yes I do know how to check... he never visits porn, and there are no emails to him, ever. There's just nothing to really go on ... except that he does stop at a particular gas station to get coffee allot, and there are 2 women that work there, but that's about it.

How does one find out? How do you ever really know?

OK .. WHY I suspect anything at all:

All though we've had problems from day one, and the marriage has not been good for some time, and we've discussed separation for 2 years now, he recently told me he's out of love with me. He says he still cares about me (yeah right!), but is not "IN" love with me anymore, and not sure if he even loves me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

That's not easy to take ... of course, but as much as I try to fill up his love tank, and not do any busting, he is COLD and I do mean COLD towards me! He's withdrawn and looks at me terribly even when I say good-morning. He's irritable and touchy (understatement), I've NEVER refused him sex, as a matter of fact .. no matter HOW upset I am or tired or anything .. I offer him sex .. BUT .. he will hardly take it anymore!

That's another reason I guess, but then he IS 55, and says he just doesn't want or need it much anymore .. and I'm not sure if that's true. How can I know? I don't see how I really can.

There's more to us .. but I'd just like to know if there are any sure-fire ways to know? Anything you can ask that will reveal an affair, if even an emotional one?

Looking forward to the help ... thank you!

Hugs,
Dee

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 03:19 AM: Message edited by: dd50 ]</small>

Dee,

I am sorry you feel badly...I see you are up in the middle of the night as well.

I am going through the same ? in my marriage. How will I ever know? I found lipstick on his collar and so much emotional distance for so many years. He denies ever being with another woman.

People on this site have mentioned checking mileage, getting a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. If he has a cell phone, you can get his phone records. She will be the first number he calls when he leaves you and the last number he calls at the end of his day before coming home to you.

Have you gone to counseling? Have you point out asked him why he doesn't love you any more? Have you asked him when he fell out of love and is there another woman?

This is tormenting you, I know. I am so tormented myself. I have so much evidence but no hard proof...meanwhile he just wants me to just forget the past, when the past is always in the present...you know what I mean?

It's really hard, but try talking to him, asking all kinds of ?s. Does he want to divorce you? Maybe if you feel brave you could ask those ladies at the station if they are seeing your husband?

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I could help. Keep posting and you will get lots of feedback from good people here in the same situation as me.

Best regards to you.

Hi TrueLove,

Yup ... it's the pits!

So sorry you're going through it too!

He has no cell phone, and I'm sure if I put anything in his van, he'd know .. I just know he'd find it! As for mileage, I haven't done that yet ... but if he never goes anywhere besides his brothers .. how would that help? Each time he's at his brothers house, I call there and he's always there .. in the garage working on cars. Of course, I don't know for SURE there's not a women there .... except that whenever I ask if I can come over .. he's fine with it.

We have gone to counseling, but about a year ago, and didn't get too far. The counselor did say he didn't seem to want to 'bend' or change himself in anyway or work too hard on our marriage. He advised us to divorce.

I have asked why he doesn't love me anymore, and he says it's because of all the fighting, raging (from me, because I've been so hurt), and just the general all over fact that we're so different, that he doesn't think we'll ever be able to get along.

I've asked about aother woman and he's said NO, and when I ask again (maybe later at another time) he gets really mad each time .. cause he says he's tired of being accused of something he's not doing. He COULD be right, cause it WOULD annoy you to be accused of something you're not doing, and being asked over and over ... so it's really hard to tell. But he denies it everytime.

Yes, he does want a divorce ... all though I would rather just separate. He says it's useless, cause things will never change.

The more I question him about ANYTHING lately, the angier he gets .. he says he's tired of talking about things cause it gets nowhere, and that I never trust him or his word .. and I never will. It seems like he's gone beyond the place of return. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As for the women, I have called to ask them, that when my husband comes in ... and I've described him, to tell him to call me. When I described him, they said they didn't really know who he was. Of course .. whos to know .. right? But, they seem to be telling the truth.

Thanks so much for responding. I hope it works out for both of us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hugs,
Dee

dd50,

Do you want to stay married?

Maybe there's not anyone else; sure looks like there's no A going on to me. Regardless of whether there's an A or not, if you want to remain married to your H there are some things you could be doing.

First, it's clear your H feels accused and attacked. Quit pestering him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked why he doesn't love me anymore, and he says it's because of all the fighting, raging (from me, because I've been so hurt), </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read about Love Busters and eliminate them from your behavior.

What are you doing to fill up his love bank? What are his top ENs and why do you think they are the top ones?

dd50, I think its REAL IMPORTANT that you quit asking him if he is having an affair. If he is, he is not likely to bust himself, and if he isn't, he will be angry and insulted.

I would suggest doing some intensive detective work to find out for sure one way or the other. You can put a bug in his car, tap the phone, put spyware on his computer. There are lots of things you can do.

You need to know, but you are wasting youur time and harming your marriage by confronting him with NO evidence. Get the evidence and then go from there. And it may turn out that he is not having an affair at all and you will just have some peace of mind and know that your problems don't stem from an affair.

Your situation sounds like mine/with the exception - My husband picked up a local woman (known for her drinking and adultry) in a bar.
I was horrified to even think he would be with someone like that.
He has stayed at her house once since my daughter and I found out about her. He then said it was a mistake and that he had too much to drink, and she asked him to "stop by".
I don't ask him if he is still talking to her, unless someone says something to me about them.
He says he has'nt - but I know she still calls him. It is on his cell phone bill.
She has made it clear that she will do anything to come between us.
I am doing everything I know how to show him how important he is to me.
He is very cold and "standoffish".
Does this mean he is still seeing her? Or just afraid to open up.
When I first found out- I asked what he saw in her. He told me that she was a friend and he could talk to her. However, he then said that she was seldom sober and they didn't really talk about much. He said that she had been hurt so much - and I asked if he thought what he was doing wasn't hurting his family?
He just says that he doesn't care about anything anymore and wants someone that doesn't want anything from him.
She does want something from him - and it wouldn't be long before she was letting it be known.
I feel sick that we have come to this after 18 years and a beautiful daughter.
I am trying my best to take one step at a time and hope to get him some help. I feel that he is under so much stress that he is depressed.
He had a chance to get a divorce and did not take it.
I pray everyday that we will find our way back. Sorry to sound to hopeless.