I just turned in my letter to the OW, I feel horrible, I let her down we were so good together. I need help getting through the first weeks, I just want to pick up the phone and call her. She was my emotional life line for 2 months and now what? Yes my wife and family are happy but I have yet to reconnect and don't know if I will. What if I get to feeling like I made a huge mistake and now she is not there anymore.

Keep repeating the name you are using on this board and hopefully that will help you stay focused.

A good answwer, Renee.

Dad - if you'd like to hear what it's like to not be 100% involved with those boys - to have them gone - I'll try to explain it.

We understand that you are in pain, but reread also what you wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I let her down we were so good together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet you were good with your boys, too, huh?

Key word in my question is "were".

If you let OW down, what have you done to your family?

You owe OW nothing. She preyed on your family. Focus on your boys and your wife and you will come to despise her for attempting to take you away from them.

Hey dadto3boys

Welcome to MB!

Dad I know it must not be easy. I saw the things you are describing in my H, and I know it was not easy for him.

Something I told him, and he keeps telling me. There are no guaranties that our M will work.

But hey! congrats! you have made the first 2 steps towards recovery, you send the letter and you are here!.

My H read's and he doesn't post. But the important thing is that he is here also.

Dad... You don't know if this will work or not, as much as ANY of us, but we are all here struggling to make it work! Maybe it seems senseless now, but if you read what people post with an open mind, and good will, maybe.... you ALL can make it worth <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

That is on what we are betting on, on make this work, not like before but better, and I can tell you with all the knowledge that MB is giving us, and if we abide to it, I'm having a hard time not believing this can work!

Keep the faith! and again congratulations on those steps!

Dadto3boys,

Are you married to Momto3boys? Just checking.

Dad,

She was your emotional life line for 2 months. How long have you been married to your W? Have you noticed that she is happy to have you back? Does that suggest that her feelings for you may be stronger than you realized? I hope it does, because it is likely to be the case.

It will take time to reconnect, but I would offer you something to consider. Love is a verb, it not really a "feeling". I realize you don't "feel" in love with your W. But, consider loving your W anyway. You might be surprised how you feel in a few months time. Your "feelings" will take awhile to come back, but I suspect they will.

Finally, I will be frank with you. You have a W that loves you. You managed to find a woman to mess up your marriage with. What makes you think that there are not other women out there for you if your marriage does not make it? You don't need to be in a hurry with this. There are lots of fish in the sea. Your main concern is regaining your equilibrium and seeing if you can rebuild your marriage into something both of you like and enjoy, while being a father to your boys.

There are a lot of peoples lives riding on this, you owe it your best shot. So no fair second guessing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , don't need to do the "what if's..." just move ahead and you will learn what you need to know.

Hang in there.

JL

Welcome.
The person you should be most concerned about letting down is the person to whom you vowed your fidelity - your Wife. You owe OW nothing.

Your Wife and children matter the most.

My own H felt very much in love with the XOW and it was a long journey to restore his love for me.
We are now a better couple than ever before which is not a result of his A but is partially a result of learning from his A.
It took us two years to get to the place where are are now, but it was so worth it. Our kids have a solid foundation.

You will make it. Get the counselling you need.
Read read read. Look to your W for support and understand that SHE needs support as well. She will have moments of despair and downright anger at what has happened. She had no choice in this affair and she has been betrayed. Her self esteem, sense of trust and truth have been shattered and it takes a long time to rebuild from that.

Surviving an Affair is a wonderful book as is "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring. Start with those two.

God Bless.

Dont give up on your family, something was and is there, thats why you married her X years ago and had 3 kids.

Think about this, say you had 3 daughters all were married and all of their husbands cheated on them and you had to look all them in the face.
would you want to tell them " no big deal this is what I done to Mommy"

Simple, Dont quit on your wife, kids, family and friends. If she is willing to forgive
be grateful, yo umade a mistake. Admit it, dont do it again. The only person you lie to is yourself.

Hey Dad..welcome to MB...we've all been keeping our fingers crossed that you'd make it here.

We know what you are going through is hard...it may even get harder...but then if you do all the hard recovery work..your M will be better then ever.

I know you feel bad about letting the OW down..my H chose me and our kids on dday...he didn't continue the A but he did miss OW..mostly her friendship. He was afraid to give me up and afraid to give her up..for awhile he was hoping he could keep me as his wife and her as his friend.

His withdrawal wasn't too bad..over completely in a couple weeks. He didn't have much time to dwell on his missing her because we both threw ourselves into recovery...we weren't sure whether we could recover but we are fighters we weren't giving up until we had tried everything.

So, we counseled with the Steve Harley, went to IC and MC, read the infidelity books, read and posted her. We concentrated on meeting each others EN's (hard at first but then it became a fun challenge and that lead to us getting good feelings in return for meeting each others needs).

We also read the MB principles decided they made sense and devoted our selves to living by those. We spend our recreation time together, rejuventated our sex life, started working out together, take walks, go to movies, go out of town just the two of us, talk to each other about everything, POJA on all decisions, etc.

We learned to not just be truthful with each other but to be Open and Honest...this was tough for my H but now he's an expert.

Our MC also taught us the "mirroring technique" for learning to communicate with each other. We had to learn to listen to what our spouse was saying without making it about us...had to learn to really "listen" to each other...now that was tough but we even mastered that.

My FWH posts under "tellthetruth" if you want to ask him any questions.

He like you is a good guy who made a terrible mistake!

I too made mistakes (not an A but mistakes nontheless)...mistakes don't make a person...it's how they handle the mistake.

Turn to your wife...we've learned alot about her since she's been posting here...she's a smart lady who loves you very much and is willing to make the personal changes in herself that will allow her to better person and wife.

She just wants the same from you.

Hang in there...we'll help you through this!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Dadto3boys,

Are you married to Momto3boys? Just checking.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I want to thank all of you for helping my H thru this pain he is feeling. He is very depressed right now. I will be here to support him but I do not know what he is feeling. I can only see the pain in his eyes and his heart and it hurts me badly to see my H hurting so much. I will love him and care for him even if that is not what he wants, but he needs you guys to help him thru this very tough time in his life. Please help my H make it thru this as painless as possible and keep giving him great advice! He know how much this board has helped me since DDay an dI know you can help him.

Thank you!

Welcome Dad!!! I've been following your story through your wife's posts but have never posted directly to her. It is a HUGE step for you to be here right now and I know you are probably very confused and afraid. There is no judgement here...know that you are truly welcome here with open arms. Best of luck to both of you.

Dear Dad,

Just want to say that I am impressed that you found the courage to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. I know it was not easy for you to do. We realize that you are in pain and have many people here who been through the same thing. You did the right thing.

I just want to assure you that there is great hope for your marriage with a little work. Many people who follow the Marriage Builders program end up in love again with their spouses when their needs are met. Your W is learning that in order to maintain love and passion in your marriage, she must meet your needs.

So please hang in there and let us help you through this. There really is a rainbow at the end!

welcome and glad you're here. your feelings are very normal and your W along with the MB concepts will get you through this. i don't really have a lot more to advise. i think my WH is far from where you are and i know i am envious. seek all the help you can get and prayers to you.

Dad wtg you've took the first steps, just realize that you don't have to do this by yourself your W will be there for you just remember that. I wish you and mom the best.

dear dadto3boys, it is natural to feel the way you are feeling, as time goes on those feelings will fade. You need to open up and let your wife meet all those emotional needs the ow was, once you let her in you will see you have made the right decision. All the other posters have another good point too - you should look at your beautiful boys, that should be enough incentive to turn away from the ow and focus on what is important to you, your family. You owe it to your children to try and make your marriage work. From your wife's posts she certainly wants you to be happy at home - best of luck,
Sandy

Dadto3 I know how you feel. I am in the same position you are right now. Everything you said is how I feel exactly. Keep on posting and I will keep reading. I hope everything I am reading in MB is true. Like I am sure you feel, my head keeps spinning with thoughts and different feelings. Your W was nice enough to reply on my post. We are both lucky 2 have W's that care enough about us 2 hang in there. We just need 2 get our heads straight and figure our feelings out. It has been almost 3 weeks w/o face 2 face contact with the OW. A couple of days with no phone contact. Rough times.

Hang in there... Good luck buddy.
Me WH 30 y/o
BS 26 y/p
no kids
M 5+ years
Together 10+

Thankyou all for the replies. Yes the boys need me but I had rationalized that a bad unhappy husband was no better than an absent one. The OW kept saying that going back would be even worse than before. It made sense for a while but yes my wife showed me what she is made of. She was at first shattered and almost not able to function. I backed off my divorce blitzkrieg afraid she was going to breakdown and be unable to care for the kids (afterall I needed that to continue my A) Then I started to realize after she got up and dusted herself off and started fighting for me tooth and nail despite everything I had underestimated her. Would OW do that? She may but I donot think so. I have already gained a huge measure of repect for my BS. I am emotionally numb and worn out since I revealed the A 3 weeks ago. The whole thing wore me down not to mention my schedule and not sleeping much entertaining self with OW. I am not the better person in the marriage and I hate that. I donot see us as equals and the guilt is hard to bear. I have a terrible streak in me that when I see myself as the bad guy I make things 10X worse on purpose to those I love to punish myself. I fear in a fight dowm the line this will happen, I forever have a criminal record in the court of matrimony, a convicted felon the moral highground is gone. The A started a slow death when I revealed it, the excitement level dropped off for me. I was looking for a place to stay as my friend had put the house I was using for sale since his divorce became final, I looked at a few extended stay hotels figuring to buy more time for a more permanent place and to continue the A. I saw the sterile room and pictured myself there alone and not with OW. My whole life just down the road and me in selfimposed exile there. I left and went home to collect some things, My wife came out to talk and I blasted her to push her away more. She left and came back an hour later saying I could not leave like that. This woman was so strong so determined and unwavering. The side of me that never stopped loving her saw that and that is why I am here. I still fear 2 years from now I will be back in my state of quiet desperation feeling unfullfilled and needing sex. The comforts of home will wear off and my misery will slowly return unless we change. I stayed in the grip of the A because I did not believe we could change permanently, it would slide back. I just tasted a small sample of my wife's pain when she mentioned she would eventually find new love and I would be replaced. The thought kills me, MY WIFE? MY KIDS? MY HOUSE, SOMEONE ELSE LIVING THERE? That did it, no OW is worth that. I will work on the marriage we deserve a second chance, all my divorced friends were in some nasty situations with not just infidelity but substance and physical abuse etc. This is not my situation, I fell out of romantic love with a good woman. I feel like we can make it but tommorow who knows I have moments of weakness. I feel so much better for the kids right now and that alone may get me by. I will have to face the OW since I work there 1/2 day a week, this will be hard I hope she quits but for now I will avoid her at all costs.

DAdto3boys,

I want to assure you that infidelity is NOT the unforgivable sin. There is no crime in seeing the error of your ways and making changes. That is what you are doing! The ones that have something to feel guilty about are the ones who NEVER change, NEVER feel remorse for those they hurt. Forgive me for sounding trite, but it takes a big man to admit he is wrong and take steps to correct it. It may be trite, but it is so very true.

I want to also explain something very important to you because I know you are scared about this. We know, and have explained to your wife, that affairs happen when a spouse's needs are not met. When a starving man is set out into the world he is absolutely vulnerable to the first buffet he encounters. One of the TOP NEEDS of most men is sex, so when a man or woman does not have this need met at home, they are very vulnerable to an affair. Your wife understands that it was this condition of deprivation that led to your affair and is committed to changing this. While you are 100% responsible for the affair, she contributed to the conditions that made you vulnerable for an affair.

And this is what Marriage Builders attempts to address and RESOLVE. They have found that when a spouse's needs are met at home, they fall in love and STAY IN LOVE. This is what happens when your needs are met. And this is the goal of MB. They teach the spouse to meet the needs of the other.

I can just tell you that there was also a time in my marriage when I felt NOTHING for my H. After identifying each top emotional needs and learning to fulfill them, we have fallen back in love again, passionately. Our marriage is better than it was even when we were dating.

Dad,

I don't have much time right now, but I thought I would say a few things. Weekends are sort of slow here, so I expect Mon you will receive even more advice.

First, you should read the articles here and the this discussion forum. You will find that some of the most respected posters here were at one time the wayward spouse (WS). You will also find the same in your marriage as time moves along.

I am not saying this will be easy. You will be on the rollercoaster as it is called here. Your feelings will go up and down,and so will your W's but gradually you will notice that the ups and downs are further spaced and then the downs are less and you are up more often. It is a process.

Now for something you may not realize yet. You don't need to change and neither does your W. What needs to change is your perception of your W and of yourself. You already know things about her that you did NOT know before the A. She is a strong woman, and she has a strong love for you.

Further as you talk to her you will see that she has been thinking about HER failings in the marriage. She has been considering and addressing her failings with regard to you. Just as you will have to do with regard to her.

As you both do this, and doing the needs survey will really help identify where you both missed the boat, your perspective will change.

Next, lose the guilt. You are not doing anything wrong now are you? You need to be remorseful but guilty, the time for that is over.

I strongly urge you to read Harley's Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. They will open your eyes about marriage and yes affairs. They will lead to some interesting conversations with your W.

You also mentioned that when you are in a hole you tend to want to make things worse. My advice: PUT THE SHOVEL DOWN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Quit digging when you find yourself in a hole and climb out of the darned thing before it gets too deep.

How long will all of this take to really rebuild the marriage? Harley quotes 2 years perhaps more. Not that things wont' get alot better much quicker. But what his goal is and what his plan is does not mean just staying married, but being married and enjoying it far more than before the A.

Please read his four rules for a marriage and read up on the concepts of "radical honesty" as well as the Policy of joint agreement, POJA. They are tools to keep your marriage from becoming what you felt it was before your A and what it is now.

The good news that alot of what needs to be accomplished to rebuild your marriage is not a random process or a question of luck. It can be worked on as a plan, with steps, progress charted, etc. Love is an action as I said to you before, therefore you control it just as assuredly as your W does. It is for you to choose, but if you do it you will see your "feelings" for her returning. In fact, you may feel things you have not really ever felt. It seems to happen that way around here.

One of the great failings of our society is the thought that love and yes even being in love is somehow random. It is NOT.

I see great hope for you and your W, but it won't be easy. The task before you is not for wimps. But, as you know, divorce is not a very attractive alternative is it? Your divorced friends are not that happy either. REcent studies have indicated that most people who are divorced wished that they had not done it, this includes the people that initiated the divorce.

hang in there, do some reading, talk with your W, and I think next week will be better as the withdrawal passes. It is a real process and is actually connected to brain chemistry. It takes awhile for the brain chemistry to settle down and things to be rewired but it happens alot.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

very well said melodylane and JL!

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 06:54 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Dad,

One other thing to consider. That is getting counseling. The people here will do their best to help you and your W, but a good Pro-marriage counselor can help both of you to address issues that may have existed before the A, and residual issues from the A. Really consider getting with a good professional. It will help both of you.

Have a good weekend.

JL