Dad - this one will take a while to sink in.

OW's feelings/actions etcetera? Irrelevant.

She's sonn to become a distant memory and a very painful one. She was part of the time when you hurt the people you love and almost lost them.

Hear me: She is not part of the equation now.

Mom? You asked someone to explain no contact? Read my sig line :-)

Dad - let me spell it out for you - tried to end it nicely a dozen times, be friends and keep it a secret (yeah, so why 12 times?... because each time we tried that we ended up back to it).

Tried it once with no contact 15 months ago.

Ya get it?

Hang in there. Ow did not give birth to your sons. Think about this - your sons will grow up to be like their father. So tell me, what kind of fathers/husbands do you want them to be?

I know that is a bit of a manipulative and rough thing to toss at you - but damn, it sure is true ain't it????

Here for ya, been where you are at now, a much happier guy today.

make sure you are telling mom about these things are happening (the track reminders, the hotel reminders, etc.) so that she can help and support you. she can only do so much when you don't let her know.

yes, changing jobs might be a consideration. i'm sure it's not what you want but the situation that is happening is not what anyone wanted either. who knows maybe a better job is out there. i've done some battling w/this myself. the pursuit of my "dream" job led me to another state and now my M is in a "state." i would give it up in a second and become a housewife if i thought that is what is needed. unfortunately we have A LOT of bills and i do need to keep my job right now. besides that if (and i pray all the time for this) that my H does give me another chance I think the best thing would be to do is move. i'm already living in another state so this would make his move a lot more seamless.

does that make sense? in other words, i don't want to quit my job and come back to where we live (when/if he decides to give me another chance) and him be forced to relive the memories he had w/her which is sure to come. so i'm going to sit tight for now and see what S. harley has to say. maybe that's what you should do, is talk about that in counseling w/the harleys.

hang in there, i can even say i envy the "state" you are in because at least you have decided to try and give your M another shot. prayers to you.

yes I agree there has to be a way to NC, but as the director ofthe Nursing home I feel I need to reestablish my credibility with all her coworkers who probably are having a field day with this. I want to show her she cannot and will not affect my professional demeanor, that is what I do that is who I am. My identity as a physcian is as deep a part of who I am as my family, it is one and the same feeling and I will let no one ruin that. It actually makes me mad at the OW if she were to persist in that strategy. She promised me once it was over that was it. I believed her then and still do. I think the first day she was just in shock and making sure since I just told her we had to stop with no warning at all. She was saying she was deeply in love at that point and I can empathsize if someone made a couple of gestures the first day. But if it continues yes it will make things harder. She would thrive on knowing she got to me and I feel I need to prove to her and my family and her coworkers that it is over and things will get back to normal. I am there 1/2 day a week I do 3 other homes, I have a clinic and I do 2 nights in the ER, she used to be a very small part of my week and was out of sight out of mind until this happened. I know I am not in love with her, I can tell as the A wound down I felt like I was seeing her too much but if I spurned her one visit she would freak out about it. So I was now lying to her. I needed to keep her fantasy alive to keep my options open so I could continue eating my cake both ways. The A for most I now believe is just that, an easy painless way to have your cake and eat it too rather than facing your responsibilities to those you love and working on your marriage. The mindset of giving up is so easy, so convenient when someone else is there to validate your feelings and then give you that intoxicating sex you crave. It is so not worth it, but man it felt good then.

Hi dad - good to see you still posting and trying to work this out.

You may be taking care of too many people. My IC had me draw a circle with arrows pointing to the people in my life that I was taking care of, then another cicle of who was taking care of me.

It was really surprising to me how many people I was taking care of and how few were taking care of me. So I sought out some more nurturing (to me) relationships.

It might help you. And also, research shows that most people who end up divorced look back with regret that they did not try harder. So give it all you've got.

Dad,
I'm not sure I understand what your position is at the nursing home. If you are only there 1/2 day per week then I would assume that there is a manager or someone who is responsible for day to day running of the home. Her calling you was not professional, just an excuse to continue contact.

If you have 3 other homes, a clinic and ER duty, you must not be the "call" man 24/7 for the one home that the OW works at. She does not need to talk to you about work, she wants to continue personal contact and it is tearing you up.

You are going to need to see this, make some changes in your availability or find a way to let this one home go. Is that possible?

You have 3 boys who will learn life lessons from your ability to handle this situation and put your priorities in order.

I "feel" pain in your posts, but it seems to be mostly from the ending of the affair. As a BS, I can't relate to that but I do know from reading that it is withdrawal, right or wrong.

Keep focusing on your family, go out with your wife and boys and make new memories as a family. If you intend to save your marriage and be a father to your boys, you are going to have to be strong and treat the OW as what she is. Not a pitiful, suffering woman in love with you, but a woman who is willing to take a man from his children. Any contact from her at this point is selfish and cruel. Hang in there!

As a director yes I must be available 24/7 I am the doctor in charge they need to contact when patients have a change in condition. I have 75% of the patients there and I make rounds 1/2 day per week at the facility the rest of the time I am on beeper. She works 5 days a week on a rotating schedule from 6A-2PM. After that I am safe, I think I will just round After 2PM and that is it. The pages I will have to deal with, I cannot let a pesonal problem interfere with the medical side of the job. I also have a responsibility to these patients and thier families who put thier trust in me. Fortunately for me the A only went 2 months I am gaining so much insight here and strength from my family that going back is unthinkable. But yes she lurks and may try again, I do miss her but that is all, there is no future there just fantasy.

OK, now I understand the situation a little better, thanks for clarifying.

I would suggest again that you tell her (in writing) that you want someone else at the home to make contact with you if there is a change in a patient's condition. If that is not possible and she must call you, keep it professional and do not discuss ANYTHING personal with her.

This is not going to be easy. Keep posting, there are a lot of caring people here who can help!

Dr. Dad, what is her position at this nursing home? Does she have a supervisor you can talk to?

Yes, this is going to be hard because you've messed up your professional relationships, but let's not hide from that, okay? Instead, let's face it head on:

- You are a professional with a demanding job.
- You need to be available for emergencies.
- You do not want to endanger patients by having an emotional reaction to the person who is providing you with information about those patients.

You need the support of her supervisor and the other staff members of the nursing home. You screwed up, you're trying to make it right. You don't want it to be hard on OW, but YOU cannot be the one who supports her.

That's the conversation you have with the supervisor. It's not about OW being a bad person. It's not about the gossip that may run rampant. It's about making sure your patients have the best care possible, and about making sure that OW has a chance at her own recovery in a supportive environment WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

she is the LVN (nurse) on the her hall, she must call if they are her patients because she is caring for them and the other nurses are busy caring for thier halls. I will mention to Angie her supervisor and see but this is very touchy and a sexual harrasment type deal could ensue that I have changed her work environment and made her uncomfortable there etc, this could blow up sky high, Darn why did'nt I think of all this stuff first, it sucks.

OK, yes, it sucks. You are thinking NOW and that is the important thing. Keep thinking, be strong, you will make it!

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: 2boysandaGirl ]</small>

2boysandagirl,
I am concerned about you posting to Dad on a personal level. Did Mom tell you about the site?

Dad has come here in a very vulnerable state and is able to bare his soul in an anonymous venue. I really hope you don't scare him off here by posting to him and telling him that you know who he is.

I may be out of line here, but I would hate to see the place someone comes for help be a place that they have to retreat from.

Dad, are you out there? How do you feel about it? Now I will butt out!

Dr. Dad, Perhaps it's time to resign as the director of that particular nursing home. That will allow you to avoid contact entirely AND (hopefully) avoid any possibility of a sexual harassment complaint.

I dunno what your financial situation is like... but now is a great time to figure out how to refocus on your family. It sounds like you have a very busy professional career, and perhaps it's time to slow down and spend a little more time on your wife and kids.

Has anyone mentioned the 15 hours a week thing to you yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 12:38 PM: Message edited by: 2boysandaGirl ]</small>

2boysandagirl, I think it was very sweet of you to come here and post to him! It sounds like he has great friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

2boys, I know who you are and I appreciate your concern and advice. I am not comfortable with people I have known reading my story. This is why I chose not to go on the Dr Phil show. You could have watched it all from your living room. Yes I use this site to bear my soul and yes it helps alot to be anonymous but now I am not, so if you know it all now so be it. I will eventually be able to face people but right now I cannot even face my neighbors let alone old friends. 2boys I am not mad or upset at you just give me time to collect myself, I have a long journey to travel I will get there. I will continue to post but please respect my privacy.

Unfortunately D23B, embarrassment and humiliation is part of the deal when you cheat. Imagine how embarrassed and humiliated your wife is. You signed up for this when you had an affair and this is part of the consequenses that you have to deal with, unfortunately.
I am not trying to attack you but just wanted you to know that this is part of the REALITY of the affair and the consequenses you must face now. It totally sucks but it's the deal, and you have tremendous support here from your wife, your friends and the folks here. You are one lucky man, your wife loves you so much.
I understand because I have a husband who loves me even though I cheated on him. I am so grateful and thank God every day that my H didn't boot me out on my A$$.

mrsx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> 2boys, I know who you are and I appreciate your concern and advice. I am not comfortable with people I have known reading my story. This is why I chose not to go on the Dr Phil show. You could have watched it all from your living room. Yes I use this site to bear my soul and yes it helps alot to be anonymous but now I am not, so if you know it all now so be it. I will eventually be able to face people but right now I cannot even face my neighbors let alone old friends. 2boys I am not mad or upset at you just give me time to collect myself, I have a long journey to travel I will get there. I will continue to post but please respect my privacy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Let's give him a little bit of a break, he knows the consequences are due to his screwup but nobody - WS or Bs deserves what he and his wife are going through or what some of us went through.

Dad, I can understand having someone who knows you making this uncomfortable but what's done is done in that regard - the resource you found here is still easily worth it and trust me - the Sh1t you are going through is pretty similar for all of us.

There is still a lot of work ahead of you and I know how you'd like everything to get cleaned up overnight. It won't but consider this.

Your wife - Jeeeeez man, you are a lucky SOB. Mine almost killed me :-) Hey, you haven't lost her. Things don't suck, they are just a little uncomfortable.

The OW being a semi-subordinate member of the staff is a serious issue. While finding a different gig would certainly be the best solution I understand that might take a little time. Meanwhile, the rule HAS TO BE that contact is for professional reasons only. You're talking to experts in cheating and being cheated on but in this instance chat with an employment attorney to find out how to handle this. Switching jobs might be tough, getting the boot due to sexual harassment could kill your career. You are getting hit left and right with the consequences right now and I know how tough that it - beats hell out of hiding and lying though.

Here's what you can do TODAY:
1. Have a chat with the wife about how to handle who knows and keeping it private from here on out. You have some work to do rebuilding things with the wife and if the affair is over then putting it in the paper just complicates things. Screwing around with a co-worker is not a great resume bullet.

2. Chat with an employment attorney about what you can and can't do legally if you continue to work with her. Yeah, i want to tell you to quit tomorrow and find a new job but i don't have to write your mortgage check or buy 3 pairs of cleats and braces either. Understand that longterm you and your wife have a better chance with NO contact. Again, check with an attorney but if your boss is someone you can trust then being honest there may be a wise investment - sexual harassment works two ways and if SHE makes unwarranted calls and refuses to respect your wishes then guess what? She can get canned for it too. Talk to an atty on this but I would bet that there is a way to handle it legally where if she pages you at 3am to chat with an excuse like "Mrs Hughes farted and it stank" you don't have to be harassed. ...and if there IS a Mrs. Hughes on her floor that was a wild [censored] guess and i don't know you.

3. Remember those three boys - one of them will pick YOUR nursing home - ya better work this out because if they are pissed off when you are 80 your nursing home might really suck, Bubba (I deal with stress by hiding behind humor, not making fun)

Ok, you ended it, you have woken up to the reality that you f'd up and you are trying to figure out how to fix things. That's a good start.

Guess what? Today you stood up and acted like a husband and father. Beats the sh1t out of last week now doesn't it?

In a week you'll be able to say "I spent the week taking steps to rebuild my life with my family and we made a lot of progress".

All ya gotta do this week to make that true is:
NO CONTACT with OW aside from notifications on an ACTUAL change in patient condition ...we'll beat you about getting away from her entirely soon.

Second - no lies to the wife - if she asks you whether a skirt makes her [censored] looks fat and it does then you are allowed a tiny fib to avoid instant death, otherwise 100% honesty. (From what I hear she lost 60 pounds and the butt is kickin but that's just a rumor).

Third - don't bullsh1t yourself. This won't get fixed in a week. The good news is that now you are unscrewing things instead of digging a hole.

Until it is fixed be a dad, be a husband and hold your head up - if you think it through, any mistake can be forgiven when the person making it owns up to it and takes responsibility for it... it's the "I did not have sex with that woman who has my little swimmers on her dress" comments that people won't forgive.

Proud of you, yeah, the mess tinks but you are in the process of scraping it off your shoe and doing the right thing. I respect anyone who can admit a mistake and work to correct it... can't you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ofaKind:
<strong> Let's give him a little bit of a break, he knows the consequences are due to his screwup but nobody - WS or Bs deserves what he and his wife are going through or what some of us went through.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait a minute, I never said he DESERVES it. I am just saying that when you choose to have an A, this is the deal and to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and humiliated is to be expected. If I could turn back the clock, I would never have had an A primarily b/c of how I hurt my H and destroyed my M. But also because of the fact that I ruined my credibility, my reputation and the trust of so many people. But again, I chose to have an A and in doing so, I now have to face some very uncomfortable situations which are at times embarrassing and painful as heck. Hope I made my point a little clearer this time.

I noticed that Dad was responding to helpful posts and now is not responding. C'mon, the consequences are in his personal and professional relationships. This needs to be a safe place.

Dad, why don't you close this thread and try again when it feels right to you.