Dont worry guys...Dad will be back! He posted in many other threads last night. A very good one over in "addicted"...I think the post just took him by surprise last night, but he will be back here. He knows that the embarrassment and all that stuff go hand in hand with the A and he is dealing with that...but to him he came here for support to bear his soul anonymously. I am the one who sent MY friends here as it was so much easier for me to have them all read here instead of me repeating myself over and over again when people would email me. That was my choice not his. I never thought in a million years someone would post to him...No disrespect tto the person who did. And I would not have minded a post in my own thread, but this is Dad's choice and we have to respect his wishes. Dad is doing great and he looks forward to coming here and posting. It helps him tremendously. As it does me too. This board along witht he MB concepts and SH will SAVE our marriage.

Dad will be back this afternoon refreshed and ready to post again. And dont worry if 2boys is there lurking, Dad is not mad at you, just a bit embarrassed...he will come around. Just give him some time. Much love!

Dadto, Yesterday I told the OW that it is done. It was very very tough and today is tough as well. I did not write the letter but told her in person. I felt it was how I should do it. I read alot of things here and it does keep me going. I hope u keep going. We both miss the same things about the OW and are TRYN to look at the positive things others have done that post in here. I think we both want and hope all the feelings about our BS will come back. I understand how u feel about people who know you reading ur personal feelings. Having to deal with the OW where u conduct business is tough. I do not have that same issue but the OW is very close to where I work and I need to take extra measures to avoid contact as hard as it may be for me. I keep feeling like I should let my BS go though so she can find some1 that would not put her through this hell. Some1 told me that their parents went through an A and stayed together and are today many years later miserable because of it. I want u and I to be like the happy recovering couples in here. We have both taken big steps in TRYN to work this out as hard as it is. We both have BS that are standing by us, that's huge.

There has to be a way around your work thing. I hope you find it. And being in a legal related field, I agree. Protect yourself regarding the sexual harassment stuff. I have seen a couple of attempts at Bull#$%& Sexual Harassment Suits.

Good luck.

Momto, read the Trueheart letter. Thanks for the link. It helps. Hang in there.

Welcome to MB!

I rarely, if ever post here anymore. The support I recieved in the beginning was wonderful but, I now can "fly" on my own.

I just wanted to let you and some of the other "new" WS's know that recovery is possible. If both you and your spouse are ready and willing to do whatever it takes, give 100% all the time then yes it's possible. Is it hard work? Oh yes! Do you have to face some ugly truths about yourself and your spouse? Absolutely! Can your marriage be better? Very much so. Except it will be different, you can never go back to the way it was (and why would you want to??...didn't work before, right?). The new marriage will be based in reality and maturity and not in idealistic fantasies of what your spouse should be or should do.

I strongly recommend MC for couples who experience this sort of trauma to their marriages. An unbiased, objective ear is what is needed to help both of you see the "big picture".

I wanted to post to tell you to keep the faith. Rough times are ahead but, it is possible to overcome and be better from the experience.

Good deal Mom.

Mrsx- wasn't flaming you but at least for me when people said 'well you chose to do this so consequences are to be expected - if ya didn't want..." and think back - it just makes the WS who is trying to put it together think "Yeah, no sh1t, fine it is my fault but what do I do now?"

Make sense?

The consequences, as you and I know and he's learning SUCK. Once the Ws has come around and is doing the right things sans excuses (ie, trying to put his life back together and repair the damage) even mean old me manages to refrain from pointing out the obvious "You made yer bed' stuff.

no harm done I was workin, I need to post,and enjoy it. It does help me tremendously, I went to lunch with my wife and two of my boys today....oh god I looked at them eating and smiling I had to get up and leave or I might have cried. I came back after finding an excuse to make a call about some car parts. One week ago I was spending all my time and energy with the OW, I had blocked my wife and kids out. One thing that helped me alot was spending time with the OW 12 year old son, nice boy, we went to buy him catchers equipment for baseball, I told him I can still play and would pitch to him, he was happy and excited, I took him for rides in my race cars he loved them. Then I thought wait a minute what about my boys who are bombing at school, crying at night and miserable. This OW kid dad and mom are divorced and he sees dad regularly but I could tell it was not the same closeness as I am used to. He called his mom to come pick him up after 1 hour with dad. When I would pick up the OW at home he would stand and watch us leave at the door as we pulled away with sad eyes. These things added up little occurences little subtle messages that you are wrong so wrong. I gave the kid stuff cause I like him, but fortunately we just started being friends and I pray he not upset, he is yet another casualty albeit small. OW is there I am still vulnerable she knows alot about me, I want to reestablish control of the situation and show her I will not let her get to me, I want to treat her like any other nurse there to prove to all DR WS is back. I cannot afford to quit this gig it is huge and I should have thought of that before but now I will cross my fingers and treat her just the same as the rest. My wife is terrified she will entice me somehow but I know the day will come and I will have to face it. She can work a double shift and catch me after hours, she can work late and catch me coming in or out there is no way around this. I feel she will not and this will pass for her as it will for me. We will see. For tryn I can only say we are in the same life boat out in rough open water. We need to paddle like hell, the big storm cloud behind us will swamp us if we don't and we will drown. She may come at us directly or more subtly, we may let our weakness get the better of us too, just paddle and try not to think, we did it for the OW so we can do it for our wives. There is no future with OW just keep thinking that NO FUTURE. I am not religous but this whole deal may change that. We are the path we take, we are our actions when I am in the nursing home myself close to death I will have nothing but memories, no cars no toys no money just you in that bed. A couple of old pictures on the wall, maybe a teddy bear from some great grand kid on your nightstand. You must not live a lie, you must be true to your heart that is all that matters, did you do the right thing? did you leave something positive behind? That is all there is I see it everyday. A dying man with end stage alzheimers lay in bed, no expression just blank, close to death, I thought geez poor guy his brain is gone. His son walks in and his eyes lit up and through that failing body came a smile. No words nothing that was all he had to give to his son, he died the next day. That is what we are talking about here.

Wow. Powerful post, dad.

You are doing tremendously well. Even if you don't feel like it, it looks to me like your fog has lifted and you see your life as it truly is: wonderful. You have a wonderfully caring and thoughtful wife who will obviously stand by you through thick and thin, and 3 boys who need you now more than ever. Congratulations on your road to recovery.

Keep it up, and wish me luck with my WH - I need it!

he is yet another casualty albeit small...

Children of divorce live with this reality. They see their parents beginning to date again, and each new partner their parents have is a potential parent to them. They evaluate, they watch, they hope... and they are repeatedly and often disappointed.

Divorce is not a single loss for children. Divorce is a loss that happens and happens over and over again.

This isn't to fault you, Dr. Dad, on how you're handling things. This is to say that you should see your own kids with those sad eyes, ever time you think of that poor boy.

...I want to treat her like any other nurse there to prove to all DR WS is back.

Easy there, sparky. She's not "any other nurse" and I sincerely hope that you're NOT back the way you were before. Take a step back and look at the situation realistically. There are a LOT of potential mines here, and a LOT of alternatives you have. You cannot regain "control" of this situation in any meaningful way... except to exit it entirely.

...and treat her just the same as the rest...

That's an extremely bad idea. Do not have contact with her. Please.

.... and what's more important? Making everyone at work think you're "in control," or having a family to come home to?

You said it yourself. The son who lit his father's face at the very end of his life. That's what's worth it. The people in your nursing home aren't going to do that for you, Dr. Dad. Focus on the ones who matter, and do what you have to do to protect them.

True enough I am not ready to face her. Today i had a yearning to go see her since we are 4 days out and I bet she would. It still grips me a few times a day. Intellectually I know what to think and say but my feelings are still there and they lead me into that world again. I sometimes wish I had not revealed it, but I could not function that way for long. I don't know how people do it for years it takes so much energy out of you. I am ambivalent still about everything.Wife,kids,wife, kids, right...OW,sex,pleasure,wrong...OW loves me, wrong, lies, deceit losing everything, wife giving up on me, OW says she loves me ,needs me and cannot live without me, No way right? Intellect knows this is BS, heart is stupid. I had a rough night.

Dad - Man I wish you could read my posts from 15 months ago.

If you get bored search the recovery board - jan/feb of last year.

Buddy - not sure if anything i have written to you made any sense. I'm writing because I hope some of it did.

Been there, done that - the humiliation, the professional issues, all of it.

I promise you this - nothing, and i mean NOTHING in the world one year from now could possibly feel better than looking in the mirror and knowing that whatever mistakes you made YOU saw them and YOU fixed them and YOU made the choice to be a good man, Husband and father.

Listen to me - when all is said and done that is all that matters and I gaurantee you this - nothing is more painful than knowing you have set a poor example as a father.

...and nothing is better than knowing you were man enough to change.

My money is on you, you are too damned smart to repeat the mistake.

How cool would it be to come bacj here in a year or two and tell someone " I was there too, today my wife and I are more in love than ever and I am the best father I have ever been".

..It's up to you buddy, sure hope my prayers for ya hit home.

You mentioned that just maybe this would change your thoughts on God. FWIW, right about the time I gave up all the lies and said "I need help" the answers came. He's pretty bright, chatting with him can't hurt now can it?

Dad, you're doing well.

Let's talk environmental changes. If you're in an environment that makes you sick, you don't stay in that environment, right? (I live in the DC area; I've seen lots of evacuations in the last few years...)

Any place where you might run into the OW is A BAD ENVIRONMENT FOR YOU.

If this were anthrax, you wouldn't argue with me on that point. If it were crack cocaine, you wouldn't argue with me on that point. So.... will you please think of OW as anthrax-laced crack? She is that dangerous to you.

It's not your heart that's trying to hijack you right now. It's a biochemical withdrawal reaction to the dopamines and other hormones that were coursing through your system.

You're an ER doc. Because of that, I suspect you see addicts and overdose cases with some regularity. You can't very well be your own patient, but you can surely take the actions that you would recommend to any addict you talked to.

And your best substitute? Your wife. Honest-to-god. Spend every single minute that you can with her, even the ones where all you want to do is lie down and die. Take her hand and walk with her, in silence if need be, while the shakes and the crazy notions pass. You will be okay.

(Second-best substitute: Your kids. Third? Your parents. Fourth? Ice cream. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Still rough, OW anb answers phone EVERYTIME I return a page, faxes are pouring in all with her name clearly written and" Dr WS notified " Notified alright, she is making her pesence or lack of it felt. Spoke to Harley he does not seem that concerned he says that's to be expected, wants me to develop a what if she corners me plan, ok that helps?

oops dad post

Still rough, OW anb answers phone EVERYTIME I return a page, faxes are pouring in all with her name clearly written and" Dr WS notified " Notified alright, she is making her pesence or lack of it felt. Spoke to Harley he does not seem that concerned he says that's to be expected, wants me to develop a what if she corners me plan, ok that helps?

Dr. Dad,

Not sure what is happening, but everytime I try to post something to you I do something wrong and end up deleting my message.

I think someone upstairs is telling me to keep those thoughts to myself. So I will. I'll just tell you that tonight I am thinking of you and Momto3boys and I'll say a prayer for you guys.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

Snow...what were you going to say??? I'm curious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, Mom, it wasn't all that interesting!!! LOL! I'm sure someone else will come along and make a similar comment. Just be patient. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">by dad: sex,pleasure,wrong </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I dont know what snowbell was going to say, but this comment really stuck out to me..

Mom... Dad knows sex & pleasure are good, right? He's got the good stuff at home, right? You're working on meeting his EN's, right?

Dad, keep up the good work. You're going to be so happy you did. I think you already are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Everyone take care and hang in there!!! - Dru

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, Mom, it wasn't all that interesting!!! LOL! I'm sure someone else will come along and make a similar comment. Just be patient. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, Snow, your killin me here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Dru...I am doing my best to meet all his emotional needs. We have to get to know each other again and I have left the sex part in his court. When he is ready, I am. My love for him NOW if so strong, I almost want to cry...It just makes me sick that we lost all those years of love in our lives when we could have been making it so much better. That is why i want to cry, cuz I realize how much I DO Love this man and I always have, it was just buried some place waiting to come out.

We havne't gone over our EN's yet with SH, so I am not sure what all of his are...I know Sex is the top one, but we are not rushing into that just yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> When he is ready, I am.

OH NO, I just realized I am posting on HIS thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WHOOPS!

Hi Honey! I love you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The OW is like a drug...very addictive, enticing drug. Like any addict you can rationalize away that you can "handle" just a little of it. You can drink just one beer, be at a party where crack is...but you succumbed to the temptation before...and would again unless you take extra precautions.

I'm glad to see you on here...it helps to feel accountable to people. There is a STRONG pull to be in contact with her...like wanting a drink or a pill...you want that feeling and are dealing with the fact you will never get that from her again. Take one day at a time...you are doing well!!! Spending time with Mom and boys...get away from the job...it speaks volumes to coworkers and her that you are really gone this time.

Cruise? Disney has a great family friendly cruise with LOTS Of activities for the boys to do so you and mom can have alone time....

not a good day. Went to the nursing home and it was alot tougher than I thought it would be. Spoke to her about the A and she said I belonged at home and she would move on eventhough she loves me dearly and thinks of me every minute. She said nobody could be happy in this situation and she wanted what was best for me. she said to keep busy with my interests and too occupy my time like she has tried to do. I will be OK she said and so will she. She said no one had ever made her feel the love she had for me but she will get over it cause life goes on. I gave her a hug and kiss and told her we had a great thing but it was not workable. She wanted to leave the door open for us to talk but I thought about what? Hi how was your day? we can't be together but talk to you later. I explained to her I was worn out by the whole thing and had decided to give my marriage a second chance and that by getting to know her son I felt worse about missing my kids. Hopefully this is it. I really messed up by talking to her, I hope I can resist these urges to go back.

Dad - listen to me here

Dont try, do it.

You and 'mom' are going to have rough spots over the next few months, when you hit those rough spots OW patting you on the back and saying "i understand, poor you' is a REALLY F--ING BAD IDEA.

No more, you absolutely can't do what you did today and DO NOT try the let's be friends crap because it does not work.

Worry about the wife's feelings and not OW's - get used to this - she is NOT part of you future for a simple reason - even if 'nothing happens' talking to her will absolutely rip your wife's guts out until she doesn't care.

Think about this - the fact that she still cares is what is saving yer [censored] right now my friend. You are fortunate - so be grateful, be appreciative and be thankful and DO NOT spit in her face by remaining close to OW.

Your wife and kids will one day be the ones to pick YOUR nursing home... how pissed off do ya want'm?