D23B,
I've been following your story through your wife's posts from the beginning. I discovered my FWH A on the same week your wife found out, so I'm following this closely.

You and your W, hit what I thought was recovery before we did, and I read about your withdrawal, let me tell you, it scared the BEJESUS out of me. I was prepared... by reading your posts and your wife's posts, but it really scared me thinking...Holy Crap....I don't know if I can do what she is doing ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The more I read, the more frustrated I get with what you post.

I have posted to M23B previously, but am no longer of use to her, I can't believe she is still struggling so much with this. She's tried so hard to keep her family together, and I do nothing but admire her courage....it's a bottomless pit...she keeps going and going.

Fortunately we DID hit recovery, and fortunately there was NO withdrawal because the OW came after ME...and THAT was where my FWH saw the FOG lift completely.... she tried to hurt ME...and as a MAN, and my HUSBAND.... his instincts took immediate hold... he threatened HER should she ever try to do anything to ME again....point blank...whoever...her OR her friends....would have to get through HIM to get to me. The pain he endured that day was earth shattering. This proud man, on his knees, crying in shame over what he did to me, and what he let other people put me through when I did nothing to deserve it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I will NEVER hold this over his head. He made a horrible misjudgement, and there were many reasons...nothing condones an A, but if I was put in the same position I put HIM in...I'd have maybe done the same damn thing.

So reading what I posted above....I guess the question I have that sticks out most in my mind is being the Husband, the Father, the Protector of your family has seemed to be shoved someplace and is lost.

Where did it go ? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tthis will just take time and alot of patience and changes on my part </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This takes more than time and patience and changes at your personal whim. It takes alot of hard work, introspection, compromise and sacrifice (for you and your W)!! Work that should start now, if you're serious about being in the M, and not when you feel like you'll be ready. If you wait it may be too late. How long is your W supposed to wait?

No one said you were stupid. I, for one, said you've shown poor judgement. That's much different than stupidity, don't you think??!! I actually believe you are very bright but, are showing all the classic signs of someone in an A. Not even you are immune.

Again, the advice you have gotten has been excellent! Both BS and WS alike have replied to you. Instead of thinking that you are the exception...why not entertain that you are the rule and give those who've "been there and done that" the benefit of the doubt? Take advantage of their experiences. Ultimately, feedback is a gift you choose to use or not. Choose wisely. Trust that someone out here in "MB land" can support you and give you the clarity you are having trouble finding at this point in time.

Remember that love is a verb and not a noun. It's a choice, a decision. There are no guarentes (??sp), love, relationships and committment are a leap of faith. Quit looking for happiness outside yourself. Happiness is a state we create within ourselves to share with others; no one can give it to you...not your W, not the OW.

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> wow strong words, easy to type em. If all was well in the marriage I sure would not be here now would I? Ofcourse it is a crisis, the character issue? I have already crossed over that boundary when I knowingly and willingly had the A, I knew I was lowering myself then. Everyone wants me to do the right thing I KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS I AM NOT STUPID! The issue do I want to do it and for the right reason. I must WANT IT for it to work, yes my W wants it, yes she has done all she can do but if I do not learn to love her again it will not do anyone in the family any good period. I am trying and have made some progress with SH, I do see the flaw in the reasoning behind the A, I am distancing myself from it more and more. I do see the pain in my W eyes, the joy in my kids eyes, Tthis will just take time and alot of patience and changes on my part. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The difference between knowledge and wisdom is that knowledge is the ability to 'know' how to use what is right and wisdom is the ability to do it.

You have the knowledge. You need to apply the wisdom. Take that step, you won't regret it.

My H was in the same boat. Maybe one day you and he should have a chat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

hi dad...I have followed mom's posts here but just realized that you are her H. I'm a little slow <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Dad, you are still so deep in withdrawal from what I've read. I, too, am the FWS and know a little bit about that w/d and the symptoms. You have yet to realize what you have done! You are still very much in the "it's all about me" phase and to hell with everyone else who is suffering. That's a horrible to state to be in, I know!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

As the WS we are incredibly selfish and self-centered people. We are willing to lose it all for some person who happens to make US feel better about ourselves. Open your eyes Dad, you have been incredibly blessed. When we took our vows it was for better or worse, this is definetely the worse wouldn't you say. The fact that my H was even willing to try and rebuild our M was amazing to me and I have tried every since d-day to make it up to him. Yes, I struggle with feelings still at times and unfortunately I still work with the OM which sucks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This is the point in your marriage when you have to put forth some effort and not give into your feelings. Your feelings cannot be trusted right now.
I will tell you this, my feelings were a fantasy. I am 10 months into recovery, and yes it is recovery, like any other addiction.

Pull yourself out of your own little world and look around you dad, there are people who need you and still want to be a part of your life. Sometimes you have to make the effort even when you don't "feel" like it. That's kind of like walking by faith, believing something even when you can't yet see it.

Good luck.

I have been reading both your post as well as your wife's, all I can say is I hope you don't wait to long like another W/S spouse did it took him 2 yrs to pull his a** out of his head while he was living with his gf 2000 miles away from his wife... by the time he came to his senses and moved back to town to try to win back his wife, she had, had enough of being and limbo and divorced him, if you read the hurt and pain in his post because of whay he did to his family you would think twice of what you are doing....


This woman that you had an affaire with has no respect for marriage and not even for your sons' welfare and for their future... but she sure cares for her own, since she is getting her cowoarkers to guilt you into the affaire again is that the kind of person you want in your life...
you keep harping on the state of your marriage you are just as guitly as your wife f you let other things get to the top of the list.... instead of your spouse.

You need to look at her (the O/W) really look at her,not what she makes you feel because that will blind you to the stituation....

strength and prayers to you dad, you are capable of more than you ever dreamed.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dadto3boys:
[qb] wow strong words, easy to type em. If all was well in the marriage I sure would not be here now would I? I KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS I AM NOT STUPID!

No, not easy to type strong words, it hurts to think of what your family is being put through.

All was NOT well in the marriage and so you looked elsewhere to have your needs met. Now that you say you know the RIGHT THING to do, what ARE you doing to makes things well in your marriage?

Are you willing to commit to giving 100% as a husband and a father while trying to repair the damage? You have not yet committed to your family and until you do, I don't see much hope of recovery.

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

The comment about still being in the ME stage is accurate, I am normaly selfcentered already so this is the superbowl of sefishness I guess. Everything in my life is set up that way, I am a taker at home and a giver at work. Things revolve around me at work in every setting, I am used to that. I donot give of myself naturally as some can it takes an learned response on my part. I am trying and take it day by day.

You are right, this will take time and will take some new learning on your part. Just to let you know, change can be a little stressful and anxiety provoking. That's normal and it's ok...the unknown is always that way, right! (you have seen this numerous times with your patients)
Glad you've decided to keep coming back. Keep working at your M and keep the faith that things can work out.

Say 'hi' to your W from me and give her a hug from all of us!

dad...I think that just the admittance of being selfish is the beginning of healing. When you really get to the point when you realize what you have done to yourself and more importantly to mom, hold on. When the reality sets in this will be your turning point and the beginning of the end of the "ME" stage. Trust me, I've been there and it's more painful than you can know, but a very necessary step in healing yourself, your wife and your marriage.

Please don't think that my post was meant to criticize you because I've been where you are and I'm pulling for you!!