Celt, sometimes it does not REQUIRE widespread exposure to kill an affair, but when it does, it should be done. Sure, the WS' reputation should not be purposely trashed, but it should not be protected at the COST OF THE MARRIAGE. Nor should the affairee be protected from the consequences of his affair. That is not compassion. And often that is what it comes down to.

A WS' damaged reputation is the CONSEQUENCE of having an affair. A direct consequence of a chosen behavior. The affairee DID something about which to be GOSSIPED. That is a consequence of having an affair. Many people think it is the AFFAIR, rather than exposure, that ruins the affairees reputation, because that is the TRUTH. It is simple common sense. And to assert otherwise is to help the WS engage in blameshifting and encourage lack of accountability.

To clarify Dr. Harley's position about the above post, he ALWAYS advocates exposure to both spouses. He advocates WIDE SPREAD exposure in high risk cases where there was a long term affair or where the affairees live in the same community in order to keep them seperated.

Facing the consequences of one's behavior is not the most terrible thing in the world. Grown up boys and girls do this every day. It is an exercise in character building and maturity and is a sign of RECOVERY.

I think the important thing about exposure is that it be an act of love, not of revenge. The WS will no doubt see it as revenge, because it helps support their rationalization that the BS doesn't love them and the marriage is a bad one. So I do think that the WAY exposure is carried out is important - if for no other reason than for the BS to know that there is nothing to regret in their own actions, and to maintain or gain the respect and support of those closest to the WS. In my opinion, based a lot on what I have read on this site, exposure should be a staged process, enlightening first those closest, and most loving, to the WS, and then to expand the circle as necessary (allowing plenty of time between circles). The idea is not to bully the WS into breaking off the A, because this will not work - rather it will drive them further into their trenches. The idea is to support the real person, not the position they have taken, and through this support combined with the clear stance taken on the A, the WS will have to see the A through a different perspective. Similar to the carrot and stick of plan A.

MT, agreed it should not be an act of revenge, that goes without saying. The purpose is to use maximum PRESSURE to force the affair to an end.

Celt06-
You're right it is hindsight and I never said it would have saved my marriage but I do in my heart - especially after reading about exposure here- believe that it would have ended the affair and my marriage would have stood a much better chance. Especially if I would have exposed at work.
And I must disagree with you on this "Some think the affair ruins a person's reputation but actually it is exposure that ruins it." Sorry - the affair ruins the reputation - even if you are the only one that knows. And you may think you are the only one that knows but I would bet that there are more out there than you think that know.

Pressure - yes, but in my experience, external pressure is something for the WS to work against, to pit all self esteem against - even a way to measure their power. I think the benefit of exposing to people who are a significant source of emotional support and are respected by a WS is that the pressure is internalized - because one can only reject so many people and their opinions and redirect guilt at them, especially when they still respect them. I think gossip will only yield shame, which is not the greatest motivator, but to have people you respect give you both love and express their dissapointment in your choices adds significant weight to one's internal scales. The choice has to be made by the WS (or the S) - if it is made for them (as clearly seems to be the desire of my WW) they will never accept that it is/was wrong, but they and the OP become martyrs in a sense, and personal growth will be stunted.

MT, affairs collapse under pressure, which is why it is important to apply the greatest amount. That is the goal of Plan A and is why exposure is so effective. Exposure is effective because the affairees are naturally ashamed of their behavior and want to keep it a secret.

The internal pressure of that shame causes the affair to crumble when the affairee is forced to see how sleazy he looks through the eyes of others. It ruins the fantasy that supports the affair. Therefore, the GOAL of Plan A is to apply as MUCH PRESSURE as possible, via exposure and not enabling the affair in any way.

Affairs should be exposed to those who are closest to the situation who have the most impact on the WS. Not for the PURPOSE of gossip, but for ending the affair. However, gossip is a job hazard of having an affair and no one has control over that. If you have an affair, you are probably going to be gossiped about, that is simply a consequence.

And of course, only the WS can make the decision to end the affair, that goes without saying. No one is suggesting holding a gun to their head! But it is up to the BS to make that affair as unpleasant as possible in order to disrupt the fantasy.

An affair is a DECLARATION OF WAR on a marriage and you don't come to war unarmed, lest the marriage gets killed on the field of battle.

SmartCookie, I believe that the manner of exposure does matter. I do believe that if my H had exposed to more people (such as employer, extended family, etc.) than the immediate parties involved, I would have not been as willing to work on the M. I think widespread exposure works in some cases,and not in others. Take the opinions here and contemplate what is best for your individual situation.

Obviously, there is disagreement between people on this. Equally obvious, there are a couple of people on here with strong opinions that I should expose to the OM's wife.

I am not as sure. If the EA is really over, then I think exposure to OM's wife is a terrible idea from my perspective. No doubt my W would be very upset. Would she get over it - I don't know, but it would not make things any easier. It would help with total NC in my situation.

On the other hand, if the EA is not over, then I would not be writing this, I would be on the phone with the OM's wife. If I find out it's still going on at all, I will call her.

That certainly does not address whatever moral obligations I may have to OM's W (especially since I know her). I do feel bad that I have not already told her, but there are 2 considerations here that would go against it:

1. If it is over, does she really need to know? I know the answer to this from my perspective would be "yes" - but it's not 100%. Some people might not want to know - especially since it was not PA and it is over.

2. While I do have a moral obligation to OM's W, my primary responsibility and obligation in life has to be to my family - and specifically my 3 kids (not my W, but my kids). I have to do what I can to save my marriage for their sake. If the EA is over (which I don't know for sure) then I am not sure it helps my marriage at this point to tell OM's W and it may, in fact, harm it.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice and I am sorry if I don't agree with everyone. I know you have nothing but the best intentions. I am not being stubborn and I am not stupid, I just think this is one of those decisions that could be good or bad either way and, unfortunately, I won't know that until after the decision is made.

Thanks.

Go with your gut feeling for your situation...

It might.

But not as much impact as the residual resentment of the betrayed spouse.

Harley says that after the affair ends, the person most at risk for ending the marriage during recovery is the BETRAYED spouse. Because of all the resentment that the AFFAIR causes. Let's face it, infidel resentment from whatever form of exposure is not remotely justified compared to resentment for emotional or sexual infidelity.

There is a hierarchy of problems in the aftermath of adultery. Resentment about the method of exposure does not stand out amongst some of the more pressing issues.

Not to mention that the betrayed spouse has emotional needs as well. And some of those betrayed spousal needs get met by wide exposure.

safety <<< the more family/friends/co-workers who are aware of the affair, the more pressure to end the affair


support and counsel <<< often the betrayed feels he/she has no one to speak to and seek advice from

The marriage house is on fire .... if the firefighters need to douse everything in order to save the structure .... who is going to argue with them that they ought not to have used so much water because now the carpets are ruined ????

Does that make sense?

An affair is your house on fire. Put out the fire by any means available, then talk about what got wet fighting the fire.

Pep

Don't make ethical/moral decisions based on feelings, gut or otherwise. Use your moral compass and your life experiences. Gut feelings pick out lottery tickets. Moral and ethical choices require more mature consideration.

I disagree...Certainly, there is resentment about the A. There should be anger, etc. about the A, but it does not help to heap more resentment upon the situation using widespread exposure IF that causes the WS to flee

I don't think a tactical maneuver needs an emotional characterization.

EXPOSURE is a tactical strategy used for fighting a very cunning enemy. Infidelity is an ugly monster and requires planning and resourcefulness.

I don't understand why someone would want a spouse back who is bent upon continuing the A??

19 - I thought my ex's EA was over too - as a matter of fact both he and the OW told me it was. So I didn't expose - didn't make him have no contact and it continued. Am I saying this is what is happening with your W - no - but it is possible. They sure get pretty inventive when they are trying to continue contact.

I do wish you well and I hope that things continue to work out for you.

An A can still continue with widespread exposure

I just thought this needed to be said again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Lori

I agree there also, at peace...I do not think it is morally correct to try to repair a M using humiliation and embarrassment as strategic techniques

Exposure rarely causes the adulterous spouse to flee. And when it does, it is usually a dramatic short term exit a'la "SEE what you've done. This marriage is OVER.", with an equally dramatic return very soon afterwards. Years on this message board has shown us that the average infidel is an unstable emotional mess.... and they spin themselves in circles no matter what form exposure takes ... they ALWAYS are angry after exposure. What they'd like is NO exposure at all.

Like ripping off a bandaid, exposure hurts, causes yelling, then afterwards, other more pressing issues in the marriage take precedence.

I guess we must agree to disagree...what works for one doesn't work for others