I was not referring to anyone in particular- it just seems to be the current feeling that FWS are bashed, BS are bitter and exposure seems to get a different perspective every day.

Sure...in a perfect world...In the same world where the A itself isn't a barrier to recovery...

Of course, in a perfect world A's wouldn't happen...SO...Here it is, plain and simple...

AFFAIRS ARE UGLY...EVERYTHING that surrounds the A gets "THE UGLY" all over it...There is no sugar coating it...PERIOD!!! You choose the behavior...you choose ALL of the consequences of that behavior...pretty simple...Exposure IS the most effective tool to shine reality on an affair...and END it...Ending an affair is the ONLY chance a marriage has to recover...

smartcookie...I sincerely mean you no disrespect, but *I* think that whether you realize it or not...this is personal for you...the stuff you are saying reminds me of a time when I came on here and told everyone that "there's more than one way to skin a cat"...I was FOGGY...Days later after letting some of the posts sink in I began to see that...Hey, I continue to see things more clearly everyday...I am still learning...

Foggy, that is how you are coming off here...don't shoot the messenger-I'm just telling you how it looks to a lot of people-"hate" me if you must...I think that you should really do some reflection...a FWS completely out of the fog sees that any means necessary to end the affair should be taken...and are NOT offended by that at all...don't believe me...take a look at who you have on your bandwagon...that should give you a clue...

And what I said yesterday about casting doubt on MB principles and that being harmful to "newbies"...well, just look at 19 if you need an example of that...


Mrs. Wondering

From WAT's post soliciting input on this thread:


emphasis, mine.

To which I say...




Emphasis, mine...

As a freshman or "newbie" at a state college, when I signed up for a class, I knew what the subject was based solely upon it's title...In other words, when I signed up for European Lit 101...there was no doubt what was in store...No one came to class and argued that the class should be American Lit 101...Nope...Never...

The freshman/"newbie" here should be given the same courtesy...They come to Marriage Builders "College" and then choose the thread/course entitled Affair Exposure 101...*I* think that's what they should get...

Mrs. Wondering

Do YOU have suggestions in this regard your own self Cookie ?

How a foggy soulsick WS experiences exposure (to me ) seems impossible .... impossible to control/manage. Overall, they are royally pissed off about exposure, no matter what!

Are you still foggy or what? October 05 - shouldn't be. Are you serious? I have never seen a BS encouraged to use exposure for revenge or humiliation. It is ALWAYS advocated to help END an affair. And yes. Let the chips fall where they may. It is not the job of a BS to protect a WS from the consequences of their affair. It is the BS's job to do EVERYTHING to end the affair. And as tools go, exposure has no peer.

I'm glad to hear that exposure is not meant to humiliate or ridicule...that seems to be accepted as an important part of exposure...now we agree

look at this

Removing the secrecy of an affair by its exposure is often the only "upset" necessary to end it. Frequently, merely the threat of exposure causes an affair's end, even before a BS knows it's happening.
Just as frequently, a BS who has discovered an affair hesitates to expose it, fearing shame, backlashes from the affairees, or a tougher course to recovery.
After discovery and a refusal of the affairees to end an affair, its exposure is just about the only direct action a BS can take to end it and doing so is a staple of Plan A. Yes, a love buster, but a calculated one.


[b]

written on the first page of this thread .... by WAT

the WS who continues his/her affair after discovery is NOT allowed to vote or suggest when, or how the exposure will take place ... It is a unilateral decision made by the betrayed spouse desperate for the affair to end.

NO ONE brought up humiliation as a motive .... except some (former) waywards who obviously do not understand the exposure recommendation ...exposure is a part of Plan A ... which is VERY loving PRO marriage-anti-affair...

"Removing the secrecy of an affair by its exposure is often the only "upset" necessary to end it. Frequently, merely the threat of exposure causes an affair's end, even before a BS knows it's happening."

IMO, THREATENING TO EXPOSE should ALWAYS be tried FIRST before actual exposure.

Common sense would be not to use a bomb of exposure to stop the affair if all you needed was a threat.

BAD ADVICE.

You don't understand HOW exposure works. The goal of exposure is to kill the affair by REMOVING THE SECRECY. Making threats does not achieve this. Secrecy ENABLES the affair.

Making threats to expose is doing nothing more than forearming the AFFAIREE with your BATTLE PLAN. Before you go into battle do you GIVE YOUR OPPONENT YOUR BATTLE PLAN? Of course not! If you do, guess what? YOU LOSE.

Making threats not only defeats the purpose of exposure, but it takes away that weapon for any future use. When the affairee is forewarned, they simply get to the exposure target first and spin the story with the BS starring as the "insanely jealous nut who thinks I am having an affair with everyone." So when you do call they simply roll thier eyes at you. Then the truth never gets out.

If the threat doesn't work, which it LIKELY WON'T, you will not have that weapon for future use because you will have been NEUTRALIZED.

When an addict is pushed against the wall, he/she will fight with all their might to continue the addiction and will be p*ssed as all get-out because you are giving them a choice: either stop the addiction or you will lose your loved ones as support for the addiction.

It's the same with infidelity.

While the affair is going on, I'm a beliver in FULL disclosure: i.e. tell ANYONE and EVERYONE.

When my ex-H cheated (with several women in 1987 - two at the same time)... I was so embarrassed and told nobody. His parents got a clue on their own, and I did eventually tell them, with my (then)H sitting right there. They were a fantastic support to me and were very disappointed in their son. I wish I'd told more people... it wasn't until we moved 100 miles away that the affairs finally ended. I believe if I'd shared with our minister and other key friends we might not have had to move, though I do advocate moving to another state, if necessary to get away from the affair partner.

When I was a WS (years later)... I told my family (including my children and grandmother - and if you think that was comfy, think again), he told his family, and his friends, our friends, and anyone who would listen. Though we weren't able to save our marriage, I hold no anger toward him at ALL, for exposing me or anything else. I completely understand why he did. And let me say, it was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE to know that all those people knew my dirty little secret. Further, I'm still embarrassed when I see anyone he or I told. I'm embarrassed because of WHAT I DID, not because he told.

I believe that during the affair you tell whoever can help you ... after the affair is over... yes, even years later... I believe the spouse of the affair partner needs to know. I also believe in telling your children, if you hadn't before. They always know that *something* happened in the household and it's very unfair that they be left in the dark.

THIS is what true recovery looks like. A truly recovered WS will not resent having to face the consequences of thier actions, but will ACCEPT the consequences as they honestly take accountability for thier actions.

Resentment is a sign of fog and should not be encouraged because it is the antithesis to true recovery and taking accountability for one's own actions.

A true friend to a WS will help them RECOVER AND GROW, not aide them in validating destructive resentments that prevent them from building character.

Good post, newbeginning, good to see you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I don't believe that two people trying to recover a M are at war with one another...

Threatening exposure waters down the effect of exposure ... and that is NOT recommended.

I agree, drop the bomb without warning. It is the only way. Otherwise, the WS has the opportunity to prepare the other person to minimize the effects of the exposure. "My spouse has gone crazy. If they call, don't believe anything he/she says." etc.

A warning for newbies:

Exposure sometimes takes some time to work. Sometime radical change happens immedicately, sometimes it takes time before you see the effect. I waited 6 months, thought exposure hadn't worked, but it had. I just could see it working. Trust the people here - exposure works. It is the only thing that does.

PS - Hi, you guys - I don't post much any more, but I'm still around.

No one said they were. The affair is an act of war on the marriage and until the dragon is slayed there will be no recovery.

Like many other addictions, the threat of exposure (cancer for smokers, loss of family/job/vehicle/integrity for drinkers or drug addicts, for example) does almost nothing. Maybe in the short-term... maybe.

I seriously doubt the threat of exposure is frequently helpful in ending the affair.

As a struggling addictive personality myself, I know that the many times, the *only way* to stop the addiciton is by hitting rock bottom. It would be wonderful if one's own moral compass would kick in before hitting rock bottom, but unfortunately, that is not often the case.

It is worth trying the threat of exposure first...rather than exposing to those who have no business knowing the information

"who have no busness knowing" ... ahhhhh the wonderful secrecy treasured by infidels everywhere

Infidels don't think their spouse has any business knowing affair information ...

Not an excellent gauge of who "has no busness knowing"

Pepperband, I NEVER said the spouse shouldn't know...