OK. Three days into second Plan B (blew the first one), WS emails me that he has ended A with OW. D-day was 6 months ago and WH moved into his own apartment soon after. Plan A for first 5 months. Started Plan B early/mid June and blew it first time with contact and endless unkept promises (on his end). Restarted new Plan b 3 days ago.

Here's message: I am ending all contact with her and will not see her anymore. I talked to her Monday night and told her I needed to go home. I spent some time with her last night but did not say I was not going home. I have given her back her key and she has given back my spare key. She is going out of town for the holiday this evening and I left her a note at her house this morning saying that it is over and I need to fix what I have broken at home and to please not call or see me anymore. That is the truth. I do not plan on taking any of her calls or seeing her anymore. I am excited about seeing you and my family. This is the truth – it’s where I’m at, and I’m 100% sure that I am going to focus 100% on you.

So now what? WS has his own apartment until end of July. We are both thinking (my IC too) that we should start slow and have WS stay at own apartment initially? (We haven't been together in 6 months, and it would feel horrible to have him stay on couch) I'm not really ready for SF right now, given all that has happened I don't think this will take long, but I don't want to feel pressured.

Does his letter to OW constitute a NC letter? I think is does. I never even suggested it, but he did it all on his own. He says that she will probably call in the next day or two, but he will tell her what he wrote in letter (since she will not have had chance to see it). I suggested that he not answer at all, but he said "I'll do it my way. I have to be strong enought to do that much. Then she won't call again." They work at the same office, so may need to see each other. He will be looking for another job in the meantime.

I'll just enjoy these next few hours, as I have heard/read that "in recovery" is no picnic.

Any suggestions for first days in recovery?

FE

Sure.

First, Congratualtions on the good news! This is what so many of us want to hear. Let's make sure this good start sticks:

Take it slow. Understand that H may want to 'put it all behind' him and not want to talk about the A. In fact he may act like he deserves a medal for coming back, when you deserve one for standing strong.

Get a great counselor! One that will help you find solutions and help each other fill your Emotional Needs. My W and I had a false recovery and the counselors didn't help. They merely reopened wounds. Contact the Harleys on this site they are very good at reconnecting couples. Perhaps you can go to one of their retreats/seminars

Don't be surprised if you feel apathy or even anger now that the A is over. You'll have to work thru that, but again, try not to live there. Your H is looking for any reason to jump ship.

Let him know about the pangs of WITHDRAWAL and seek the appropriate help and support to get thru it

Don't punish him and don't blame you. Each of you take apprpriate responsibilty for what caused the A, address it and MOVE ON.

Have fun. Don't spend every waking moment thinking and Talking about your R or the A make the reconnection worthwhile.

Get and read "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. It's the best book on the subject I've seen (and I have 20 pls books on the subject)

These are some things I wish I knew about last year when my W first ended her A. She gave in to Withdrawl and has started it again and has filed for D. I'm hopeful though. Hopefully we can help you avoid a false recovery. You can do this!

Good luck to you both.

You say this is 2nd time for Plan B for you and WH. Did you send him a Plan B letter stating what needs to be done for reconciliation....
1. NO CONTACT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM WITH OW
2. TOTAL HONESTY
3. COUNSELING etc....
He says he is going to call her in a few days, NOT GOOD....they work together NOT GOOD!
What is so different this time about it being over with OW and committing to you?
No, he did not write a NO CONTACT LETTER because he has told you that HE WILL TALK TO HER when she calls, "because she hasn't seen the letter"! That is not NO CONTACT, that is opening the doors for continuation of the affair. He is still protecting HER and not you. JMO

dleightonc, thanks for the suggestions. I can see how it's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of the A ending only to be caught off guard witht the issues that need to be addressed.

Trying: I did send a PBL and only included the part of "no contact" as a way to come back. I have every intention of addressing radical honesty and counseling when we talk tonight. I'll also address the NO CONTACT stuff. He keeps telling me that it was him and not her who would come begging for more in the past when he tried to end the A (oh brother, they never see the manipulation behind it all!). He has the ability to listen to me without actually hearing me. But this is my time to stand strong.

I was thinking of signing us up for the upcoming MB seminar? WH does not read very much and I think it would be better for him to hear it from someone else (besides just me). Are the seminars that helpful? I already have the entire educational packet (the one you get if you go to the seminar), but I think a jump start would be helpful.

Can you afford a counseling call to the Harley's? I wish I had done that when WH first said he would have no contact with OW. It only lasted 2 days.

But your WH may really be trying, so I would get some counseling right away.

Haven't gone to seminar, but have signed up for counseling. They do a great job clarifying things. they will do it for the two of you as well. Think about it as a start.