For those who don't know what happened in the past 2 days, read my thread- If you want to LAUGH OUT LOUD Read this!

FOr those who do....PLEASE tell me what you think about this. I need advice in how to respond.

I got this email from WH today.......

My Dearest Love,

I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you and love you. You have been my best friend for these 12 years now and I know that in those 12 years I have made you laugh and to my shame and own heart break, I have made you cry, You are a wonderful woman and to be honest I feel you could have done better than me for a husband, lover and friend. I sit here in Baghdad and my mind wonders to you at least twice an hour when I am working and literally every ten minutes when I am not at work.
I look back at our lives together and see where I have hurt you. As much as I try I can never take those actions back. I regret the times I made you cry and can see how they have molded you into someone you didn't used to be. I remember how when we first met you were clean and innocent. You were free of the troubling cares of life and had a young glow about you. Even though I love you with all my heart and to me you look the same as you did when I used to spend nights with you at your apartment, I feel like I have done things to take your purity away. I have polluted you needlessly and I am sorry. You know that when you cry, the tears that touch me seem like acid on my skin, this is why. I hate that I make you cry and hurt you so bad, someone who is so gentle and kind.
I know I am not worthy of your love. I don't think that I can ever become the man you so righteously deserve. My heart is an evil caldron of lust and impure sexual desires by common standards. You deserve better than that. I don't know why you love me, to be honest I don't see that I have changed much throughout the years; maybe your love for me had blinded you to those foul traits that seem to haunt me. It would end my life to lose you but if it occurred I would only have myself to blame. I guess this is another part of my self destructive behaviors. I am so angry with my actions in the past years that while writing you this letter, I can't think of any reasons for you to continue being my wife and lover. As I write this I know you are there in a house that holds bad memories for you. I have made it a house that I feel the need to be burn to the ground in hopes of purging its history, but even then, I can't change history. (I would never literally do that)
I remember our wedding and how your sorority sisters sang to us. It was then I knew you were better than me and I didn't and still don't deserve someone as beautiful and kind as you. I know that if I were out of the picture you would be fine. There are men out there who can be better to you than I have been. I couldn't blame you one bit if you left me.
I remember touching your body in those first few days at your apartment. I remember how fresh and clean you were. I say "were" but know that I feel that I have made you into someone you don't want to be and really never were made by God to be. I am sure that God had better plans for you and I interrupted His plan for you. I feel like I did that through deceit and may be guilty of the "Bait and switch" maneuver I see in a lot of people. For this I am truly sorry. My dearest love I am truly sorry. I picture you living a tremendous life with all the happiness one woman could handle. I can't give you what you clearly deserve out of life, and I can't change what I have done.
I sit here in the belly of the beast and I think; I have so much time to think. I can't think long with out feeling regret. I see what I have done to you. I have turned you into a woman who has to work much too hard to stay who you were. The changes to your personality from who you were to who you are now, I have done. You are the best thing that has happened to me and I would not live a month with out you. I know this to be true. Although you can't see the tears falling down my face but know they are there.
I want to come clean with you now. I except that I have done things to you, that which no woman should have to put up with. I have slowly killed off your joy and used you for my own lust. As I write this I can here your mind's thoughts, "Why don't you change?" and I ask myself that question every day. I went to the men's retreat to change. Ever day and night I went to church, I went to change. I went to Baghdad to change and I am even writing this letter to you in an effort to change. I have disrespected you and have been mean to you. I know that we had trouble with sex in the past. My verbalization as we were intimate in the past before we went to the last marriage counselor, were never meant to demean you or hurt you. There are two things I want to say about this issue. These answers in no way transfer the responsibility to you as this was my fault. There were times when you told me, "I want to hear you." And other times when you would say, "Talk dirty to me." I really do like to talk dirty to you when we are romantic and thought that was a "Green light" to be free in my talk. Still you will tell me to be verbal and make noises. I so want to let go and do those things but now I am so fearful that I will cross an unknown line you have drawn in the relationship. The second thing is that when I got verbal, I felt free to act "Like a man" and to enjoy you as a woman giving her body in whole to me for my enjoyment and satisfaction. I do feel like we should be able to enjoy each other's body but I seem to have crossed the line and I am sorry. The feeling of me on top of you as you surrender yourself to me awoke an animal like beast and it freed some of the pent up sexual frustration I harbor. Things now are different between us and I am so fearful of hurting you again. I am so afraid of that that now I hold back when we unite. I have trouble knowing when it is ok to talk dirty to you and when it is too much. I know that you don't like being called "*****." I thought that was a context issue. I would never call you a ***** in a derogatory context but didn't know that saying something like "You are such a hot and sexy *****." was hurtful; I didn't mean it to hurt you. I am so afraid when we are together that it affects the event. I know that you probably see it as I am not into it and to be honest a lot of the time I am not. I am not relaxed and don't feel free. Sometimes I feel more frustrated after we are together than before we started. My sexual frustration is not your fault, it is my sexual preference. I like to be verbal and to get animalistic at times, now I can't do that. I like seeing you in deferent views. I like seeing you under me and on top of me. I like seeing you kneeling before me with you butt against my body but it tears at me while we are together. My mind races with thoughts of, "Does she think I am treating her like a whore?" and "Is this romantic enough for her?" A lot of time I come quickly so as to shorten the contact so I don't do something wrong and hurt you again. I love it when you give me oral sex, I always have. This is tremendously valued in my desires for you. Yet, I know you don't care for it. All these things eat at me.
I know, because you tell me, that I am not smooth enough or romantic enough when I want to be with you. I swore that I'd never ask you to be with me again, partly because of your refusals and partly because if I do it the way you want every time, I feel like I am begging for sex and not asking my lover to join me in the most incredible relation I can have with her. When I feel like I am begging for sex, it makes me feel like I am some 300 pound little dicked pervert who lives with his parents and cant get a woman to desire him so I
He has to beg for it like some cheesy [censored]. Even as I write this I am getting upset. You have told me that your desires are not as strong as mine and you noticed a drop in your desire. I have mentioned it to you over and over to see Bonnie as she said she would prescribe something for you. You won't go to her and I can only take it personally. When we are together, this adds to the problem of my mind racing with, "Does she really want to be here, does she really desire my inside her?" If I'm not sure you want to be with me that lends to the thoughts that I am using you and you feel whorish.
I'm going to stop here for now because this email is already too long. I will write more later, and hope we can get through this. I love you with all my heart and am committed to our marriage. I am lost in confusion but I do know I love you.


So, my first reaction is-
1. In his mind, he almost got caught by sending that stupid "Love Is..." email to both of us. When I asked about it, it got him scared, so he's trying to do damage control.
2. Even though he says he is coming clean, he does NOT admit to the A and he really does not tell me anything I did not already know, except that whole first part about him soiling is new. He's never said that before.

I need to respond, but I am at a loss. Do I open up to this deceptive ploy? He's still hiding the A and still trying to get away with it. He's still trying to save his M but not coming all the way clean. Is it time for me to tell him I know? Or do I brush all this off and reply with a sweet email saying I love him to and we will work on things when he gets home?

I think I REALLY rocked his world asking why he sent the email to me and OW and he realized (came out of his fog?) that he could lose me. Or is this all just backpedaling, covering his tracks?

I just don't know. Help!!

Trina

bump

Trina,

There's a lot of revelation in his e-mail. Pay attention. He appears to be spilling his heart out. You know that what part of the R he is referring to. For a man to write with such depth, takes guts.

Don't write it up so quickly. Let it sink in for a few days. He will be awaiting your reply. In that reply be gentle yet show if you still want your M, there are respectful issues to discuss at a later date along with coming to terms and meeting each others needs in a healthy way.

Sounds like he is ready for some good counseling. Think about hooking up with Steve Harley. Also the pressure out there is intense. Be understanding on that matter.

Now is the time to get acquainted with His Needs/Her Needs.

L.

When will he be home? How much longer does he have?

Edited to add: It's so hard to deal with anything like this while he is so far away on this type mission.

<small>[ July 01, 2004, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

Do you think now is the time to confront, or should I stick with my plan to confront when he's home?

He will be home March 1 of 05 for good

Saved,

While reading this I had several reactions. At times I felt as if he was justifying his actions while at others I felt as if he was confessing his sins without being specific.

He's gone down the wrong path and he knows it and now he's afraid you know it too. It's obvious that you are very precious to him.

He adores you but he is troubled about his behavior during sexual intercourse or should I say troubled about your reactions to his behavior during intercourse. It's the Madonna/whore factor-wife/mother to be pure and undefiled. He's conflicted between the two.

I'm sure communication has been addressed in your previous counseling sessions and it seems to still be the problem. Is it possible to go back to that counselor with this e-mail, explain the situation and get their advice. Take your time in thought and prayer before you respond. With him in Baghdad and the other woman in the mix, it's a very delicate and complicated issue. I think you need advice that goes beyond what could be found here.

Bless you SandS. This man dearly loves you. Whomever he's involved with or if he is involved with doesn't have his heart. If I were you I would be very encouraged and handle the situation with kid gloves.

Oh, woman, I have no idea. I don't think I'd confront yet. I would do what Orchid said.

Additionally, I think it sounds like he is feeling VERY guilty and it also sounds like he's crying out to have your sexual relationship with him to change. Sex is one of my H's top EN's and I do whatever I can to make him happy there. Sex between married people is not dirty or whorish. I think you only make yourself feel that way, or maybe its an excuse because you're not that sexually attracted to him anymore (he's not meeting your EN's) and that gives you an excuse to not really get into it. I, of course, could be way of the mark. I'm just thinking about my own sexual history.

If any of that even makes sense, great. If not, just ignore me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

write soon
michelle

I have to agree with all of the above. He sounds like he loves you very much, and I assume you feel the same about him.

Get the book Orchid spoke of. Seems you could have a great love and great sex together, what more could you want!

I would not confront him until he is home and definately with the help of a trained counselor. I am assuming that the OW is not in Baghdad, of course.

This has got to be very, very hard on you and my thoughts are with you.

Weaver

Trina, your thread has really touched me. With all that is going on overseas right now, I can't imagine how you deal with the day to day of living. Add to that your recent discovery, girl you are my hero.

The email that he sent to both of you, someday you will both crack up about that mistake. Right now, I know it is just sort of an insult, but don't let it get you down. At least you are able to piece this together and not jump on the man until you have your proof. Good for you! And the OW is in an 'open marriage' (did I read that on this thread?)? How sad for them. Can your H see that he probably isn't her first conquest, considering her H has given her the green light to cheat?

Anyways, off my soapbox, the email he sent you was enlightening. Yeah, he's probably figured out that you are on to him, and of course he is going to try to cover his tracks, but I don't think it is primarily to continue the A. Currently, he has no physical control over you, and I bet that scares him to death.

All the talk about his sexual nature is a beginning for him. He needs to explain why all this happened in the first place, and you need to know in order to heal your relationship. He has definitely put you on some sort of pedastal, kind of a 'Madonna' complex, and he doesn't feel worthy of you. It's a control thing, my husband has similar feelings and he has learned that they aren't always appropriate. There is so much media exposure to what sex is 'suppose to be', can you see how he might be influenced?

Sorry this got so long. I just feel for where you are, and I hope that you are getting the support that you need. I will keep your husband in my prayers, Iraq is a sucky place to be!

First, thanks to all of you who took the time to read his email to me and to lend your advice. I think I've read all of the posts here 3 times through, trying to get it to all sink in.

I feel like I can keep going knowing you all are here for me and cheering me on. This deep dark secret sometimes threatens to swallow me up. If I can get a meager- "God help me today" prayer out, I'm OK.

I did reply to him. I said

I need some time to think about this. Please send the rest.


Your faithful and adoring wife,
Trina

OK, so I'm not EXACTLY adoring him, but the faithful part better get him. I've been praying for God's conviction to just rain down on him. The best scenario is he confesses and we recover. If he keeps trying to have his secret life, too, I think I may need to cut my losses. I think he's right. I've "accepted" him far too many years, and "accepted" his sin for too long. Time for tough love. Time for radical honesty. No more porn, ever in my home. I will block the internet access to it and anything else I have to do. What it has done is snowballed and spiraled out of control. Ten years ago it was Hustler. Now it's having a 3some with another couple.

I covet your prayers and your advice and I will continue to post, if not just to get advice, to vent so that I don't explode.

I have my 2 amazing daughters that I am pouring my energy into right now and they have such infectious laughter. It's like healing oil on my soul. And tonight I went to see The Notebook with my best friend, and I was in a TERRIBLE funk after seeing it. Then, as she was unlocking the door to her house, a bug went down her throat that was buzzing around the light. I almost peed in my pants I laughed so hard. She was throwing up in the bushes and laughing, too, and was trying to get the keys out of her hand so I could go in and pee. I really needed a belly laugh like that.

Anyway, time for bed. Thank you again to all the typing angels out there who hover over this board and support us all.

Love,
Trina

Hi Trina,

I havent read your other posts...just this one but will try to find your others and read them as well.. I just wanted to add my thoughts as a FWW who finaly found the strength to 'quit' my addictive affair:

Your husband has a sex addiction, it is obvious from his email and from what you said about porn and even getting involved in an affair. The guilt is hitting him hard now that he fears losing you and his fear is probably worse than ever for him being away from you. He cant know how you feel he cant talk to you he can only write.. He is pouring his heart out to you and it sounds as if he truly loves you. His affair is an addiction and so is the sex and so he is dealing wih 2 different addictions one feeding off the other.. I hope he gets counseling so he can get a handle on this.. It takes alot of strength to do it alone. I hope you can read between the lines he does truly love you, and is quite remorseful and fearful of losing you. The next step is up to you. Do you love him?

I wish you luck
Lmh

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WH confessed to his A which was my heart's desire!

We now enter recovery.....

Long story short, I prayed and prayed for conviction. And that tiny little mess up when he sent us noth the same email and I asked him about it...well, that was the start of it all. He got scared (convicted) and it just kept snowballing. We talked over 4 hours on the phone today in 3 separate conversations, and at 11:45 pm tonight he confesed to his A without my having to tell him I knew or having to confront. I just kept asking for complete honesty. I was actually in the middle of reading to him and article about Reestablishing Trust in Your Relationship

http://www.covenantkeepers.org/articles/re-establishing_trust.htm

and he told me. After about another hour of crying and talking, I fnially feel the hope that Dr. Harley talks about. I never would have beleived that I would again love him after the hurt he has caused, but now...now I have an amazing fountain of love. He asked why in the world would I take him back and how could I ever love him again. I told him that Satan had tried to steal our marriage and he failed. God's word says he will restore 7 fold what has been stolen, so I told FWH (NOTICE THE F!!!) that as far down as we have sunk, we will rise to 7 times higher, and that is the hope that renews my faith.

OK...I could just preach right now (maybe I did?) but what I want to say is my God has always been faithful. He has never let me down, and even when I think he's left me to steer through the pits of hell alone, He has been there the whole way, guiding me.

I love my husband again.
I love him again.

I can't believe it.

A joyful
Trina

Trina, Oh my goodness!! God is truly good to us, isn't he?!? What a miraculous thing to happen, I am so happy for you! I worried that your husband was in such a dangerous country without being in right standing with the Lord. That was and continues to be my prayer for him, that he fully surrenders this to God and that God will cover him with His protection for the duration of his stay in Iraq. If you would pass along to him that meditation on Psalm 91 could be especially helpful in this present time, I would appreciate it. The wolf is always at the door, so the song says. Has he established 'No Contact' with the OW yet? He really needs to if he hasn't. Does he have access to the MB site? There are so many people here who could support him.

Today is going to be the BEST day for me because of you! Let us know how we can get you through these next few months. Teresa

Well what good news. Now stay in close contact with him, and be sure to give him lots of admiration for the things he is doing.

Saved -

I am very happy with this turn of events. I will warn you though that I had the same feelings of complete happiness after my H's A was disclosed. I felt like I could get through this and rebuild our marriage on my love for him alone.

I didn't realize how much I needed him to support me. At first he did not. It was like, he was mad at me for some reason. After he came out of the fog he because the H I needed and he has since then supported me through our recovery.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fog and his actions related to it. I think you also need to prepare yourself for the anger you will soon feel. I know this will be compounded by your H being deployed.

Stay on these boards and come up with a plan. Let the people on this board help you.