Back in September 2002, my wife was involved in an EA that turned into a one time PA. I found out about the affair when I contracted HSV about two to three weeks later. She initially tried to tell me that she had not had sex with the OM until I explained to her that genital herpes is not something that one catches from casual contact. Faced with this she finally admitted that she had had unprotected sex with the OM, but claimed that it was a one time thing and that she broke off the relationship after it happened. She tells me that she does not have any way to contact the OM and that he paged her whenever he wanted to see her. She also tells me that she has not seen the OM and that he has not paged her since the day that she broke off the affair. I have the pager now and no one has called it since she gave it to me. I monitor her cell phone records and do not see anything that would raise a red flag at this time. I have tried and tried to find this person without success.

I have not been able to fully trust her since that time. I dwell on whether or not there have been other affairs and am sad and withdrawn a great deal of the time. I feel like a burned out shell of what I once was and cannot seem to feel happy or at ease anymore. I zone out and daydream and often feel like I am going crazy. It is as if my heart and soul have been cut out. I have been taking an anti-d medication since I found out about the affair, but it only helps to a degree. She swears up and down that she has been 100% honest with me since I found out about the affair, but it is hard to believe someone who has lied to your face in the past. She tells me that she loves me and and is incredibly sorry for what has happened. She seems sincere, but she seemed sincere while lying to me in the past as well.

We have two wonderful children and I do not want to hurt them by breaking up the family. I also do not see the situation getting better and it has been almost two years now. It doesn't seem fair to my children to to move forward with a seperation, but I don't know what else to do. My wife thinks that we should go to MC, but I don't think that it would erase all of my pain and return me to my former self. I have always had a difficult time letting go of things that bother me and, as you can imagine, this is a big issue to put behind me. Is it better to throw in the towel and move on with my life? Would MC solve anything? Is there something else that I can do? I have read SAA and HNHN already. Has anyone else felt this way and been able to make a positive change for the better? I appreciate your help.

Hi Amafish2,

It sounds like you and your W have never really dealt with the issues of your W's A...

MC really helped keep my W and I focused on rebuilding our M... MC won't make the pain go away. It won't make rebuilding your M any "easier"... but in MHO, it's the best thing that you and your W can do.

Also, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... this book will explain many of the feelings that you are experiencing now. See if your W would be willing to read it with you as well...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I feel sorry about the pain you are going through. It seems like your wife was not fully forthcoming with information, despite having brought home an STD. Have you attended counseling? Has your WW explained the circumstances under which she met the other man? I can see where you are going nuts, her story that the man paged her when he needed to talk seems implausible. I think the background to the affair would explain whether or not there's a chance it's still ongoing. Do you know the OM's name and where he lives? Is there a chance there are communicating through untraceable 800# and phone cards.

I wish you a healing peace

Dear Amafish,

Yes this is a big issue to put behind you. So you'll need to do the right things to accomplish this. Your wife has done the right things so far: she ended the A, there is NC and she makes it easy for you to check up on her. She is with you and shows deep remorse over what she has done.

Of course it's hard to believe that she is not lying now, and it's hard to take in that she could have lied to you before. That was the hardest part for me too, that the one person I would have trusted with my life would lie to me about something so important as having sex with another person.

We can go on and on with the blaming, the fear, the movies inside our heads, the paranoia. It's really up to us, the BS (betrayed spouse) to decide to let go and to trust again. Not blindly and naively like we did before, but simply because that is the only way to have a loving relationship. Your wife, you and your children all have a right to be in a loving, caring, nurturing environment.

Why is it you feel there has been no progress? Have you talked to your wife (in a non-blaming way) about why she had the A, what were her needs that you weren't meeting at that time? And are you meeting them now? Is she meeting your needs?

Yes, letting go takes a lot of courage. And a lot of love. But it's the only way to find your way back to a loving relationship. Even if you decide to have a divorce because this thing keeps eating you up, will you ever be able to trust another woman either? I don't think so. I think it would be better to try and work this through now, for your peace of mind, for the sake of the children and for the sake of your wife who obviously still loves you and feels terrible about what happened.

So what if MC will not take away all of your pain? Maybe it will, you don't know till you try. And if only part is taken away - will you not feel better? You should try to find a counselor that you both feel comfortable with, though. Like doctors they're not all the same. The MC should at least be pro-M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
And no, you will never return to your old self. If you allow yourself to grow through this you will not want to, anyway. You will be a bigger person, with more understanding of your wife's needs and of yourself. It's unfortunate but we humans only seem able to learn from painful experiences. So that's the one thing we can be grateful for - that such experiences gives us the opportunity to grow if we'll take it and not wallow in our pain.

Opening up to others (your wife, a counselor, people on this site) is a way to start letting go of your pain. Keeping it all inside will by definition not allow you to let go.. I know, I have been there.. So please, for your own sanity, read up on the stuff here on this site, read it again and again till it really sinks in and you can put it into practice in your relationship. Go to MC. Many BS here on this site would thank God on their bare knees if only their WS would go into counseling ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I know all about keeping it all inside, trying to solve things myself without bothering others, helping others, and being deeply hurt when these others don't take care of me like I did of them. I had to take a hard look at my "values" and realise it is rather harsh to not accept a good person can do stupid and hurtful things, and can feel deep remorse and change their ways. My partner deserved a second chance and so does yours.

Best of luck dear Amafish. Please keep posting, it has been very helpful for me too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Springmom:
<strong>It seems like your wife was not fully forthcoming with information, despite having brought home an STD.... her story that the man paged her when he needed to talk seems implausible.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Springmom, dear Amafish,

if OM was married it is not unlikely that he only wanted contact via a pager so he could never be contacted at home etc. That doesn't sound so implausible. It sounds like this OM has done this before and likes to take advantage of women.

Why was she not fully forthcoming with information? She was found out, she didn't confess, ok, but she has told what happened, didn't she? What more can she do? Many WS think they have to protect the BS by not telling them what happened to spare them the pain. (Don't get me wrong, I'm a BS myself.) Only if the BS makes them feel safe enough they can tell the truth because WS have a way of getting completely caught up in lies to cover lies to cover lies etc. Not because they are bad, deceiving people, but because they are scared to hurt the BS even more.