My WW took her niece to dinner with OM and his daughter tonight. According to car4love, OM said, "All the family is together now."

OM wants to hire a private custody evaluator, whatever that is. Apparently it's very expensive. Car4love says she's finished, does not want OM back any more.

Now, I'm emotional at the moment, so take this all with a grain of salt. But this latest development - it's beyond hurtful. It's almost scary. My intuition tells me these are people I should not let within a mile of me. There's something wicked in all of this, something disturbing, unsettling. I've made no secret that my belief in the world of the supernatural is shaky at best, but do I dare say it feels like something particularly evil is afoot. It almost feels like OM and my WW are being influenced by something outside themselves. It feels, well, creepy. There's something deeply, fundamentally nasty that's happened in the hearts of these people.

I may be agnostic, but I'm going to pray for these people. I'm in a peculiar way afraid for them.

I'm going to plan B immediately, and I expect to be divorced soon.

Bummer, huh?

GC

Graycloud,

I have a mother who is untreated bipolar. She says the most horrendous things to me when she is active in her illness that they would make a soldier curl in fear. She lashes out, blames, hurls righteous indignation (and fire and brimstone), threatens, and retaliates. She is very scary because she has followed through on some of her threats and messed up my life and the kids' lives.

Why am I telling you this, you wonder??

Well, I love my mom. I see that she is a woman who is human just like the rest of us, and that she is acting out of a mental illness. I see that she could choose to go to treatment and refuses. I see that she is still valuable and loveable, even if she scares me!

HOWEVER...

...her choices harm me and my family. Her refusal to admit she has a problem place me and my own sanity in jeopardy. Thus, although I love her and see her value, I have to protect myself from the damage that her own denial causes.

It is very much the same with you and sparrow. She is not "evil" or "demon possessed" in that Exorcist kind of way, but she does continue to do what she knows is wrong. She does continue to choose options that put your in harm's way and continue to refuse to see the damage that her own denial is causing. Thus, although you love her and see her value, you do have to protect yourself.

Dear brother, you are also valuable. You are rare and precious, and to allow yourself to be harmed is painful to all of us here. Guard your heart, graycloud, for out of your heart flows the spring of life which will save, recover, and renew so many, many people who read what you write here. You have no idea how many people read here on MB and never register--and from your heart springs a well of life to them!

You are not rejecting your delicate sparrow. You are not saying you do not love her. You are just establishing some safety so she can no longer damage the heart that is so valuable and important. You are guarding yourself and claiming your own worth.

Plan B, my brother. It sounds so isolating and abandoning--but in reality it is a life raft. You asked and hoped and (maybe even) prayed that your sparrow would jump on the raft with you and save herself from drowning, and she refuses. Now, before you also go under, you need to let go of her hand and jump on that raft--and pray that she finds a raft of her own one day.


CJ

Gray,

I know you are hurting and I have no words.

My heart goes out to Car4love too.

Yes there is something evil about people who can sit down to dinner and act like they are a family when the little girls mother who is with them is home and shattered. When the little girl's world is being forever altered through her own dad's selfish actions. When the woman sitting at the table has a husband who is home shattered. And this woman is going to step in and take on the role of mother to the little girl and possibly a newborn. Yes there is something very dark and disturbing here.

As WAT would say, WHAT HYPOCRISY!!!

{{{{{{{{{GC}}}}}}}}}}}

i haven't said it in awhile but my motto throughout all this has been do what you can, when you can, for as long as you can. that's what you have been doing and continue to do. you don't do anything in haste and that's excellent.this is a sad development but one that maybe needs to happen in order for these alien-abducted, fog-brained WS to wake up. we never know when they will wake up but someday they will realize. now will it be in this life or will it be when they stand before God? only God knows that.

it continues to be all about them (in their minds that is) and everything is "worth" what they are doing to other people in order for them to start their lives together. i think we (generally speaking here) really thought that the OM would have woke up by now, it seemed he was teetering at one point and that the emotions that sparrow seem to display may have solidified that but alas. maybe they were just crocodile tears, that's just about what i think my H's tears are-just fake. he can make himself cry for all the plays he's in why should i be any different. he even told me that "this" was giving him practice at crying. of course it didn't really sink in at the time but now i'm thinking "wow, you are actually admitting that you could be faking crying!" my sympathy well has run dry. i still care for H deeply and don't want any physical harm to come to him. but as you said in one of your other threads that these WS need to hurt emotionally/mentally in order for them to realize what they are doing or have done. imagine the sparrow waking up not too far down the road and realizing what she has done, being an absolute monster in this situation w/what's she's doing to those kids.

they best thing we can do for them is to pray, that's the best thing we can do for anyone. hope you have a Bible but if not get one and read Luke 6: 27,28 okay, since you twisted my arm i'll type it here:
Luke 6:26 But I say unto you which hear, love your enemies, do good to them which hate you. 27. Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

as always, continued prayers to you (and car4love), RR

I'm so sorry GC. It IS evil. It's insidious and ugly and horrific....and it'll eat at both of them.....then the evil will spiral out to the kids and the kids will accept/reject the evil, but even if they reject it, they will still be infinitly hurt and confused by it. It will affect their adult lives whether or not they turn out "right." The evil just spirals like a huge rock thrown into a placid lake....the ripples go out and out and out and disturb the reflection till it's no longer a mirror-like surface.

I know. My life, my kids lives are forever marred by this evil. Damage control is all I can do now. Damage control and prayer.

(GC)

Dear Sparrow,

In all our years together, I never imagined us reaching the point where we are today. I love you more than anything else in this world, and I want to remain married to you. I am sorry for the things I did - and did not do - that helped make your infidelity possible. I look forward to a future where the parts of me that made it easier for you to turn away are gone forever.

I have told you I will always be there for you, and that I mean to forgive you. But your affair continues to inflict great pain on me. This pain challenges my ability to forgive you, and will eventually destroy my love for you. I know that you are also hurting and I would give anything to help ease your pain. I truly believe in forgiveness, healing, and redemption for both of us. But to preserve my love, I cannot see or talk to you any longer. If you end your affair and you choose to discuss returning to a life with me, I will welcome the discussion. Until that time, it will not be possible for me to have any contact with you.

Please respect my decision. If you need to communicate with me, please find someone in your family to pass your messages along. If there is anything you still need from the house, have this person contact me, and I will leave the items in the garage for you to pick up. I will continue to cover my part in our shared expenses as I have throughout the summer, and I trust you will do the same.

Sparrow, my wish is for us to create a new relationship, to build a new life where each thing we do, every day of our lives, makes us both happy as it once did. My willingness to do this in the worst of times is part of the promise I made to you ten years ago. And I do still believe in you. But right now, letting you go and distancing myself from your actions is the only way I can protect my heart. I don't do this in anger. I need to restore some normalcy to my life so that I can remain healthy, find some measure of peace, and continue to grow as a human being.

Remember me, I'm the one who loves you.

GC

(edited to change "relationship with OM" to "affair")

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

GC,
My heart is literally in my throat as I think of car4love...you speak of something evil being afoot...there is NOTHING more evil than a man who would leave his wife for selfish reasons and then try to TAKE AWAY her children. This is beyond evil. As a mother myself, I hurt deeply for car4love and what she must be feeling right now.
Please pass on to her the message that there is someone who will be thinking of her and praying for her and her dear little ones.

gray,

The Plan B letter looks really good to me.


((((graycloud))))


Weaver

Wow, GC is all i can say and if you don't mind i will be keeping this letter handy to possibly use it for myself.

right now i can't close the lines of communication due to the houseclosing and our household goods stuff. i'm not in the house or even in the same state, so it's not possible to say (generalizing here) "don't speak or see me but i need you to sign this paper saying that you agree to who will take what." it definitely is some control that i'm still trying to have because in all actuality i could do this by mail but it would just be an agreeement between the 2 of us and i don't want him rushing to the house and grabbing all this stuff and i'm not there to witness it. although who knows what if anything he has taken already. does that make sense?

i don't know, it's hard to know what to say or do when nothing "official" has been done.

i have some more questions for you (really to get your opinion) but i won't continue to threadjack and will post those separately.

the letter is perfect.

would you be mailing this letter or giving it to her to read?

oops

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: roughroad ]</small>

Everybody, thanks so much. I'm at peace with this decision. I'm prepared for it to be a catalyst for the end of my marriage, and I won't ever let myself take any blame for that.

I have great compassion for these people, but when somebody you've treated with love and kindness refuses to treat you like a human being, or even give you a second's thought while she does you damage, there comes a point where you have to say damn the consequences, back away from her, and surround yourself with the people who love you.

Is there any reason I should run this letter by my lawyer?

GC

RR, I hadn't thought about giving her the letter in person. I don't especially want to wait around for her to gather enough courage to call again and say she wants to come get her dresser.

All this aggressive we're-a-family-now behavior is probably going to continue this weekend, when OM has his daughter for an overnight. I want to cut the rope tying me to this car that's draggin' me, and I want to do it now.

Do you think delivering it in person is better?

I would let my lawyer know what I was doing and give him a copy of the letter. if nothing else just FYI.

my thoughts are that if you give it to her in person you would be assured that she received the letter. if you mailed it then how do you know if she got it or read it? at least that was a concern of mine with correspondence w/my H and why i asked him to get a PO Box. i couldn't send anything to the house because it's getting forwarded to me and he still has not told me where he is living. if he's not living by himself then who's to say the OW or anybody else would intercept anything he received? i guess ultimately he could give the OW a key to check the PO Box but i'm hoping that he would at least have the dignity not to do that.

so again, my question would be how can you be assured that she receives the letter and reads it if you don't give it to her in person? but then again, do you just stand there and let her read it in front of you, don't know, just some thoughts.....

Well well, another complication!

This morning I was on my way to work, and my cell rang. There is was, the sparrow's number.

She wanted to know when she could come by the house to get things.

I hemmed and hawed a bit, then said why don't you read the letter that's coming to you and then figure out what to do.

She was naturally confused, and so she said, "Can't you just tell me?" So I did.

I plan Bed her over the phone.

She started to cry right away.

She didn't understand. She said, "Who am I supposed to use to communicate with you?"

I said, "I don't know sparrow, isn't it something that you can't think of a single person who will help you?"

She said, "Nobody in my family wants to get in the middle of this."

I said, "I'm sorry, but that's your problem. Find someone."

She said, "Gray, this is really weird."

I said, "Yes, it is weird."

She said, "Can I email you?" I said no.

She said, "Can I just get my things first?" I said no.

She said, "I don't want to have to take you to court to get my things."

I said, "You can have your things. I'll leave them in the garage."

She said, "You need to face reality."

I said, "I am. And I have to remove myself from your chaos."

She said, "What chaos?"

Let me repeat that.

She said, "What chaos?"

Oh my god, I thought. She doesn't understand a thing.

There was of course more to the conversation, but that was the gist of it. At the end, I said, "You find someone." She was crying too much to talk any more and hung up.

GC

Wow.

That had some effect on her! I wish my plan B had that effect on my H! This is really going to get her to think.

I don't know, I could be wrong, but maybe you still have a chance.

Good luck.

That was fantastic Gray - the fact that you could do it in person, over the phone, is just amazing! At this point you just need to focus on your inner peace - and let go of where she's at in her process.

You did WONDERFUL Gray! Really well!

Now go do something nice for yourself! Go pick up a new book or something!

- Kimmy

I remember when my FWH and his FOW were planning a wonderful future as a happy blended family with 3 kids each.

The OW was buying both my H and my children. She'd have my then 12 yr old D babysit and pay much more that the going rate. She'd take her to the mall and buy her clothes. She evan let my D to shave her legs for the first time. She was such a cool mom. My son was friends with her son and she'd do similar stuff with him. I felt my family being stolen away. My FWH thought she was a perfect angel whose H didn't appreciate her. She claimed her H was controlling. My H started to tell my I was controlling too. I didn't even understand what that meant. He was obviously making all his own choices in his life.

What a delusion. Reality eventually set it.

I hope that somehow, at some point the Sparrow will see how you can't base future happiness on a shaky foundations of evil actions and other peoples unhappiness.

It is so hard to understand how she can possibly not see how wrong it is that she's been having an A with a man that has a young D and with one the way as well.

It is a shame that she can't see what kind of a man he is that he would do this to his wife. Why can't she see that he is capable of doing the same thing to her down the road. They must think they live in la la land.

Maybe this stuff does work for some people...I don't know. I don't think I could justify all this and live with myself. The guilt would eat me up.

To think he even wants to try to get custody of his D and probably the new born so they can be one happy family.....with a substitute W and mother???
How evil.

Do you know if Sparrow conceive?...if she can't, could that be the possible reason she'd see this as a good thing?

I feel so sorry for car4love.

What do you think it means that Sparrow would cry so much at this point? Isn't this what she'd like...I guess, she just needs her Graycloud fixes.

Be strong. Prayer does work.

All I can say is WOW. These WS's do really notice everything and still have feelings. We just assume otherwise. Obviously, even though she in effect Plan B'ed you, in her mind you were always there when she needed you. Now you have changed this and she is scared. Now you can just sit back and wait for the next thing to happen. Stay strong!