Kimmy, try to notice the good ones.

I think lots of times, people are so caught up in their own universe that the intrusion of a voice or eye contact from someone who isn't part of that universe is just more than they're prepared to deal with.

It hit me again today - the sparrow's affair and divorce are so uncalled for, so outside the bounds of what's healthy and good and kind, that it seems impossible that she could do it. And yet she can. Sometimes it boggles the mind. Like she dealt with a minor, temporary distance between us by destroying everything.

Analogy: junking your car because it needs an oil change.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> that it seems impossible that she could do it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Till almost 2 years ago it was impossible that this could happen to anyone except characters in novellas.

Who told these people that "novellas" are real - that's the way grown ups are supposed to act? Are we few here the only ones that didn't get the memo?

I had several boxes of the sparrow's stuff piled in the garage. I told her we could arrange times for her to come and get it.

Last night, knowing I'd probably be at band rehearsal, she came came slinking by without warning and got a bunch of stuff.

Least I think it was last night. I haven't been keeping real close tabs on the pile of boxes.

Fun...

GC

Hi GC,

I don't think I have ever posted to you directly, but I have followed your thread, and for what it is worth, I really admire you. You stay strong no matter what, and still manage to keep involved with others on this board. I'm in a different situation than you (you can read more of the gory details if you'd like; I've posted on the recovery section) in that my H isn't leaving, but I am having trouble keeping it together, and am now wallowing in self-pity.

And then I read your thread, and feel ashamed of myself. Thanks for your posts, GC, and I hope your "sparrow" someday realizes what she is losing!

CC

ps I'm a scientist type too ( I think you posted this before?)...although I'm the biologist type. Maybe it's time for me to go back and hide in my lab!

CC... thank you for those kind words.

You may have your H around, but that doesn't make recovery easier than being alone. The hope that you can get a better marriage one day is real for you, and that is something, isn't it?

I've said before, I don't know any more if I want to go through that process. I guess that's one small step forward, but it feels like a tragedy to be thinking that way.

From most indications, my wife is so far gone that nothing will save her.

I don't feel sorry for myself tonight, but god, I am so sad.

GC

Gray -

Please don't despair. I went through so much h*ll, I can't believe it. But I am over it now, and life is good again.

Now after twenty-two months, I can't even remember how awful it was at first.

WH has broken up with OW and still calls me. He is now very sad for what he has done, but I don't care anymore.

GC--this is CC here ( I have two login names because I can never find the password for one of them! Absentminded..well, you get the picture). Hope...funny word. I have held on but mine is a recovery(?) that is more like a broken record of promises; promises of NC (which are broken), promises of reengaging in our relationship (broken too). We have two kids under the age of 4, and that may be the glue now that holds us. Hard to tell.

I'm clinging to hope now; it seems to be my only companion here. And I am so sorry you are so sad; from what I have read here, it will get better. I'm sure those seem like empty words, but someone who is giving as much as you do to these boards, and these people, should get something good in return.

At least I hope so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GC,

I haven't posted to you very often, but from what I've read of your posts, you seem to be a pretty "together" guy. You've held yourself together well through all this.

I understand the sadness. I have better days and worse days, but there are few days as of yet where my ex doesn't cross my mind. For me it's sort of an emptyness, or an ache in the pit of my stomach, a longing for what what should have, could have been but is now gone.

And although there were a lot of issues in my marriage that probably weren't in yours, I feel like it all blew up and he walked out because of very minor things. His reasoning at the beginning: The kids didn't respect me and the house was a mess. So instead of working with me on what bothered him, he insisted we did not have problems when I sensed we did, and then he found her.

In his case, I don't think the car needed an oil change. I think it was perhaps not quite the model he wanted and it didn't run quite as fast as he wanted. Instead of tuning it up, he traded it in.

Hang in there.

LL

Thanks, lordslady.

I've seen you put yourself down, esp. your looks, but now you have another photo on the photo page... you're a beautiful woman. You just can't see it. I hope your DD is doing okay.

Anyway... my nightly report.

I must be a little stubborn, or off my rocker. I still half expect my W to wake up one day and think, This is insane; what am I doing?

Then I remember when she was in college, the first time around. She'd skip a class. Then she'd feel embarrassed and skip it the next day. After a few days of that, she'd be too ashamed to go back. She'd give up on the course altogether, resign herself to flunking the thing, and when she saw the professor coming her way on the sidewalk, she'd turn and run the other way.

I thought she'd grown out of all that.

But she's made no attempt to reach out to me, not even to make excuses and try to rationalize her way out. Nothing. I've brought this up before. It's a little stupid, because if she left me a letter or something, knowing what was likely to be inside, I'd try to be tough and mail it back unopened. Plus, I told her I'd have nothing to do with her, that I would not see her or talk to her. So what's the point of wondering, right?

I'm five weeks into plan B, and darn it, I'm still halfway expecting to see her car parked by the house when I come over the hill on my way home after work.

I'm listening to the Jayhawks, and it's making me a little touchy-feely. Tomorrow the Green Grass is the greatest record...

I'm okay, I just have a hard time giving up on something I believe in.

GC

Well gray we all believe things. i firmly believe that if it hadn't been for all the thoughts and prayers for me i would not be where i am which right now is a very good place and a place where i didn't expect myself to be at this point. please know that so many people are thinking and praying for you and time can be a real friend.

God Bless, RR

Well, of course it happened.

Tonight I went to a political event, a party at the house of a friend in the neighborhood. There were about 20 people there. Expecting the usual sort of crowd (everybody about 20 years older than me), I grabbed a glass of wine and found a seat on a bench in front of the fireplace. Across from me, on the couch, sat a very nice looking girl about my age. I'd never seen her at one of these.

When the meeting divided up into small groups, we were put in the same one. She talked about what was on her mind, and of course it was exactly the same thing that's bothering me. When I spoke, I saw her nodding enthusiastically in agreement. We made eye contact a few times. Yadda yadda...

When the full group got back together, she moved across the room and sat on the floor in front of me.

Everybody took a break to get more snacks, and afterward she climbed up on the bench and sat next to me. There was a third person on the bench, so we were pretty close together. Felt that attraction...

There was a conference call with the leaders of our outfit, and we muttered a few remarks to each other during all that. Yeah yeah, I flirted a bit. Barely. So little. But yeah, a little.

As the party started to break up, we chatted each other up a little more. Nothing big. She talked about her job (about which my friend, when I told her about it later, said, "Your kinda girl"). She mentioned her upcoming birthday, and how she was going to have a party, and that she was glad she wound up at this particular event.

Yadda yadda yadda.

We left at the same time. Shook hands, said it was real nice to meet you, all that, and went our separate ways.

Yep.

GC

By the way, I know this is not MB behavior. But I'm not a freakin' robot!

Two years my butt.

GC

Yes, GC, your butt is going to need TWO YEARS!

Heehee.

Okaaaayyyy...little note to self. When I very, very, very first separated from my exH I not only did not have my eye on anyone, I had NO DESIRE to have my eye on anyone!! I really pretty much wanted to be left alone until I felt like looking for someone.

Lo and behold, like you I am only human, and every now and then my head would be turned by someone gorgeous or handsome. Ahhh! That was a little fun! I had forgotten that there are men EVERYWHERE and you don't even have to look for them!


Well whaddya know...I MET a few of these nice-looking men at work, or at a class, or at bowling even! And as I got to know them just on a surface level and got to know a little bit about them, I found that I actually LIKED a few of them and discovered that I had a couple little, mini-crushes! Can you imagine that??? CRUSHES!! Like I'm a high-schooler!!!

But I didn't act on the crushes very much. I realized that mostly these little crushes were my heart's way of flexing it's muscle and practicing. I really wasn't ready to be in a healthy relationship yet, but I was ready to see if I could FEEL anything anymore. (BTW, I was!) I was also ready to see if I still felt sexual attraction or had any desire left in me. (BTW, I did!)

HOWEVER, I could have very easily acted on those little crushes. I was close enough to a few of the guys that I actually did tell them that I had a crush but that I also told them that I did recognize that it was more practice than real feelings. Thankfully the vast majority understood and laughed with me like a friend who knew what I was talking about.

GC, you are still a human, and you are not dead...but I think your heart is practicing. It's sending you a little "zing" that means, "I'm not dead yet!" "I can still feel something!" You are a smart man, GC--I trust ya--and I suspect that deep within yourself, you know that you really aren't ready to be in a healthy relationship with someone.

But by God, it sure is fun to feel that fluttery, blood-rush again...isn't it???


CJ

You bet it's fun, CJ. I guess that's my point. It was nice to feel it... to feel a mutual attraction with someone, to have someone maneuver herself closer to me, and just feel that New Thing.

I won't do anything about it, but it made for a very pleasant and interesting evening.

Two years though? Not a chance. I'll be lucky to make it to my deadline.

GC

Well, GC, you are still quite a young whipper-snapper; however, you would be surprised how long it can go sometimes!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

In brief summary, it's been almost 6 years since my ex's big PA, 3 years physically separated, and creeping up on 2 years divorced...and I have just NOW decided that I'm ready to actually be in a healthy relationship. Well...I'm gonna TRY anyway! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I never once dated while I was still married--even when it was only a legal technicality--and to be honest, that is something I'm proud of that brings me a lot of comfort. After the divorce was final, I did go on a few dates but didn't really try very hard to look or be attractive. I don't think my heart was quite in it yet. And then this year...well my divorce is final; my kids are on the right track; my career is on the right track; we have the basics taken care of (home, food, bills); and my heart is starting to feel released from my ex.

If I could be so bold...I suspect you could easily find someone to sleep with. No sweat! Probably tonight if you went to the right parts of town (haha)!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> But to really be ready--to really have gone through your own issues with the divorce--to really feel released--to really have a grip on your NEW life and feel good about it--to really be ready to be a good, equal life partner--

TWO YEARS or so!


CJ

P.S. HI! What are you doing up so late!

well gray, i guess all i can say at this point is that is exactly why i have been so "agreeable" to the divorce. because i have met someone and it's wonderful. i'll just leave it at that.

continued prayers to you, RR

gc:

I thought you were dead! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey, don't feel bad. I fell in love with a gal in an eHarmony ad on the 2be last night! ...but I'll get over it, I 'spect.

I don't see anything wrong with a healthy, above-board friendship. You're a good man, and wouldn't ever let anyone go through what you're going through by doing anything un2ward.

That's my vote.

-ol' 2long

Maintaining positive and healthy contact with the opposite sex is what will keep (all of us) from being universally bitter. Wise words from my father after my first D many years ago...

Well, I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. Sparrow has done nothing toward pursuing this divorce in over a month, aside from grabbing some of her stuff from the garage. Nothing new from her lawyer.

Who'd have thought I'd be daydreaming about some other girl (but never mind, I'll be good) and having these lets-get-it-over-with-already-then thoughts?

I couldn't have dreamed of it two months ago. I guess that's good. I think I'm starting to let go.

GC

Believe it - I'm starting to get anxious for this D to happen.

Some of it is financial. I need to get a roommate, because I'm not going to be able to keep up with my house payments much longer. For complicated reasons, it will be tough for me get a roomie while this divorce agreement is incomplete and unsigned.

I also want to work on my house, and until a buy-out value is decided, I can't do anything to increase the property's value unless I want to pay the sparrow for my own sweat.

But some of it is personal. I want to be free. If there is no way on this blue planet that my W is going to return, why should I twist in the wind? I'm not talking about dating, but I do want to start thinking about that too. I would like to at least be able to think about it.

Now I know what people meant when they told me getting served was just another step, not the end. I was served four months ago. I thought I'd be divorced by Thanksgiving. My attorney told me I probably would be. And here I sit, nothing coming from sparrow-world. Car4love told me that the first pre-trial hearing for her and OM's divorce is not until next May. So now I'm worried that with OM's divorce so far off, the sparrow might be content to do nothing for a while and force me to do it.

Is my eagerness to be finished an effect of plan B, or is it because I waited too long?

I don't want my marriage to be over, but if it's going to end... the sooner the better.

I can hardly believe I just wrote that.

I'm thinking of filing myself if things go too much longer with no action from the sparrow.

The last time I saw her, two months ago, I told my wife, "If this marriage ends, you alone are the cause of that. I won't accept any responsibility for it."

If I wind up having to file to get free, will I still continue to feel that I did everything I could?

Getting confused now... I'm probably just being impatient.

GC