Who indeed, 2long. Who's heard of Marla Ruzicka?

http://www.civicworldwide.org/index.html

GC

gc:

I saw that news story last night. Very sad.

...but what amazing courage! I have 2 think that she made a difference that will live in people's memories for decades hence.

-ol' 2long

Gray,

How much pain is there to have loved one and only one and be rejected?

It is tremendous. To be so dedicated to one and realize that the one to whom we were dedicated was less so.

Unimaginable.

Unthinkable.

As a creature of light, it is inconceivable to think that there is a creature of darkness. That would CHOOSE it. And vis-a-vis.

But travelling through time, the distance is marked by wisdom, not footsteps. And as we make this journey, it is wisdom that we gain.

And we realize that not everyone is like us. That there are things that don't make sense, nor is there a requirement that they do.

What does that really change?

It only changes our perception. The Bible, above almost all else, extols the value of wisdom. But what is it really?

We enter this world knowing nothing. And quickly piece together a mindset. A Tower of Babylon erected on the nuances of what we consider just and right. A monument of our understanding of what makes the world go around. We desparately try and build our Tower and CONVINCE ourselves that it is good and beuatiful and impregnable.

But it is only OUR tower. And perhaps, in our haste and the folly of our youth, we erect it a little too fast. For in our youth, the brick and mortar of wisdom is lacking. Thus our tower is a spindly, spidery, beautiful thing.

A wonder to behold.

Yet it cannot weather the first storm.

And it gets damaged. But now, through wisdom, we can mix a little concrete. And we sacrifice some of that beauty for some stability. And our tower is a little stronger, but perhaps, at least to us, somewhat less aesthetically pleasing.

And with each passing storm, we make the exchange. Beauty for stability. And we become afraid. That the beauty of our tower will soon be replaced. The spires and minarets and machicolations that were so splendid will be replaced by blocks and shoring and functional pieces.

And where will our tower be? The dream of youth? The golden path? What sacrifices will we make to replace the dream with what works?

An interesting picture.

I mean, why struggle? Let's leave our Tower of Babylon on the drawing board. Where it can be a flight of fancy to be admired and never realized.

Oh to know what those who have finished the journey know. For the real beauty is not the tower. The real beauty is the magic of the dance, the orchestration of the effort, the flexibility of change in progress.

The fun of the game is in the playing, not the outcome.

To chance and lose against being afraid to take the chance. On losing day, your choice between the two will be much more different than in retrospect.

What do you want?

Which do you choose?

To throw yourself against the storm to see if you can survive or head for the shelter and confine yourself?

To dream of soaring and try and soar or join the masses and say it cannot be done?

The state of excellence is merely the state of giving your all. It is not measured by accomplishments, but by effort.

How can you judge a prisoner of war on his accomplishments when he is confined? How can you judge an athelete on his accomplishements if he is drafted by a team who has no will to win? How can you judge the musician on his accomplishments if he is given poorly made instruments? How can you judge the scientist on his accomplishments if his basic theories are untrue?

What is the definition of the finish line if there is no definition of the starting line? What does a finish line mean, without a start?

It is not where you end up, but how far you travel. And how well you travel. And what hearts you touch along the way.

Our towers have taken some hits. And to what end? Certainly not the end of me. In the face of the unforseen, in the face of the plague, the cataclysm, I say start anew and rebuild. And the NEXT time, I'll weather that storm. I will overcome.

And those around us? Well. Some will mock, but some will join the fight. And were I to choose? I would pick those who would join. And what better way to cull the chaff than with a little wind. Winnowing the wheat involves throwing it to the winds. Some stand, some are blown away. None escape the discrimination of the experience.

You know more now. About yourself. About those around you. You can be more discriminating in the materials you select to build your tower. A tower erected out of whimsy and fantasy will only stand in good times. But the knowledgable builder, the wise builder, can still construct beauty. And it will stand.

And THAT is the builder who will be remembered.

NCWalker

So...

This week, I've regained the ability to cry over almost nothing. And I've had plenty of sleep. First, today at my desk, I cried as I read about Marla Ruzicka.

Then I was listening to the radio on the way home, and a man was talking about his experience finding his faith and becoming a pastor. He told stories of damaged people who he'd helped to find peace. Tears rolled.

As I drew closer to home, I imagined something I've imagined often, for many months. I imagined seeing the sparrow face to face, with nobody else around. Imagined her coming to my house, sorry. But not really sorry. That's where the fantasy always goes sour. She says, more or less, forgive me, but only wants to feel better. Doesn't have any interest in me or in what it's like for me. Just wants to feel better, then go away. Even with that bad ending, I told myself what I usually do: that it's a stupid, narcissistic fantasy. A ridiculous indulgence. Wished that it would go away, that I could stop stroking myself with that dumb thing I keep imagining. And tears rolled.

I can say this much for sparrow. I don't think she would ever come to me asking for forgiveness and offering nothing. She'll just stick to the "offering nothing" part and stay away.

I heard the man on the radio talking about how your pain, the hurt that comes to you, is all "recyclable", how it can be turned into courage, honesty, and compassion, all those good things. More tears.

I got home to find a bag on the porch. Things I packed with the sparrow's stuff, and she's decided that these things belong to me. A photo of my brothers and me when I was a baby. A recent picture of my father. A little reflection my mother wrote a few years ago when she took a walk through her hometown. Some mugs given to us by one of my aunts. A tile with an owl on it (I like owls). A few other things.

On top, a note from the sparrow, what do you say we hook up and discuss divorce stuff?

How does she know I didn't mean to give her those things?

I haven't cried like this in months. The floodgates have broken wide open.

She was everything to me, and in a way, she still is. I cannot find a way to not love her. Today, I feel exactly the way I felt a year ago. D-day anniv. is a few days away.

I'm okay, but I'm soliciting advice. If you get bored tonight, email me at [email]gcloud@earthlink.net.[/email] Messages from interlopers will be deleted, unread.

GC

"Reading about your troubles, tqt... we've seen many of the same things, haven't we?"

And here I was thinking that Spidey and I had our own little self-contained, micro-environment here... and waiting for the invoice from MB and their web hosting service...

I feel sorry for the people who actually weed through my drivel just to get to Spidey's words of wisdom.

Yep, Gray, we have seen many of the same things.

I've become a lurker in recent days for some reason... only thing I can think of is because I'm numb. I was thinking today that maybe I've become "immobilized by disbelief" -- I still can't believe this "has happened to me."

Your email offer-- appreciated, and I'll take you up on it.


"Or if you want to talk about the future instead."

That's a must, isn't it? One thing I'm really ticked off about is that, contrary to human nature, the past is something I can't think about -- or rather, choose not to, as best I can. Like I'm training myself to eliminate almost 25 years from my memory. It only works some of the time, of course, and doing my damndest to concentrate on the future is the only way out, as hard as that is in itself right now.


"Spidey has been so good to you, tqt. You must be grateful."

Grateful beyond words. Literally. Even at this moment, I can't come up with anything that comes close to describing how appreciative I am, and humbled... and amazed...

(((((((((Graycloud)))))))))))))

Two things: 1) You've got mail 2) As long as you are alive you won't learn to not love her. Chances are good that despite all she has done to you and all the pain you have felt, there will be some love for her in your heart, even when the D is final and you move on with someone new. In your instance (and in some instances) the WS blows on past with their new lives and new loves and the BS's left behind grapple with it and struggle and eventually recover but continue for a long time to feel some love in their heart for their WS. Well DUH--the BS wasn't the one who stopped loving and left!

You, Gray, are a lovely, sensitive, caring man and I have no doubt you will one day find new love in your life (hey if I can, you sure can!)--but it's a little like having another child: it's now TWO loves, one doesn't replace the other. Does that make sense? On some levels I will probably always have some love for my exH and care for his well-being and at least not wish him ill--and I'll bet you'll do the same.

So stop trying to NOT love her. Accept that you will probably always love her TO SOME DEGREE and move on knowing that it's okay to not hate her. Oh...and buddy, let this day end too. ((GC))

Your true and faithful friend and older sis,



FNCJ

Today is the one-year anniversary of d-day.

Next year, I do not want to wake up thinking, today is the two-year anniversary of d-day.

It was sort of a weak d-day. She downplayed the EA and lied. She basically said, "I'm having a little EA and it's because you're a bad H and drove me to it."

The real horror show started on 4/24, when I snooped on sparrow's email and saw the gooey stuff she emailed the tin man from Italy the previous week, along with the truth about the EA.

She pretends now that we gave it "one last try" and that it didn't work out. The truth? She checked out and did not try, just moped and watched me, looking for excuses to have her A.

Even so, during the first days after d-day, there were a few occasions where she actually said things like, "I can feel myself coming back to you," and "I want our life back."

But thanks to the tin man's continuing emails, she quickly forgot all that and started contact again, lying about it, then became cruel and secretive, then despite knowing his wife had just found she was pregnant, began aggressive efforts to destroy his family.

(Tin man reads, says to self, Nuh uh, it was already destroyed because car4love is too controlling. Tin man and sparrow tell selves whatever they need to get through the day.)

End of d-day anniversary post. Yes, feeling a little shaky, but managing okay. It's a marked date, but things are not any different today than they were yesterday.

Still love sparrow (but not IN LOVE with her, nyeah, nyeah), still married, still have no hope.

And looking forward to the weekend at least.

GC

That's B.S., I do have hope for my M. I actually do. I'd rather not, and I know it's stupid, and the math does not work out, but... it won't go away. Not entirely.

I accept that sparrow is not the kind of person who, even if she wanted to, could ever make amends. Yet I still have hope that she could be.

And I obviously don't mean a thing to her. Yet I still have hope that I do.

So there it is. Intellectually, I know the score. But my heart isn't there. My heart is still in my M, even if I don't want it to be.

And the d-day anniversary is...

Over.

GC

Gray -- your D-day is just about a year after mine. I'd been living with the horror of my ex's relationship with OM, but on D-day, she decided to try to sever my relationship with our daughter. Horror beyond horror.

It's been two years since then for me. Two years of a whole lot of work and grieving and learning and growing. You're halfway there (dare I say you're half baked? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

I remember how I was last year. I nearly walked away from my marriage at that point, but then some serendipitous things happened, or maybe I just went insane and stuck with something that was long since dead.

I chose to have a summer instead. Told my attorneys to go pound sand, that I was done spending money on them. Told my ex that I wasn't playing anymore, too. SPent the entire summer walking around the neighborhood with DD, soaking in the sun and getting a double dose of fun and laughter to make up for the previous spring and summer of tears.

There were still some really difficult things to go through. My ex's engagement, primarily, the absolutely rotten e-mail she sent me right before she got engaged, the threats she made to my relationship with DD, the financial separation and its aftermath.

But you know, a lot of the stuff that's happened is like the dying aftershocks of a powerful earthquake. Everything -- EVERYTHING -- is different now. But my rebuilt house? Man, it is SO much more earthquake proof than it was. Yours will be, too. Trust me on this.

GC,

My first D-Day was Feb. 3, 1999--the day he moved out of state to live with his lover. I had NO IDEA it was coming, but mainly that was because I didn't want to see it coming. AAAAAAAnyway, since that first D-Day there have been several more discoveries and many days that rocked me, but that day was "The D-Day"--know what I mean?

My D-Day anniversary, I felt all that insecurity and instability again at first--talk about TRIGGERS!! At first, I was sick to my stomach, and my nerves were on edge, and my heart was heavy...I bet you can identify, huh? Parts of you relive it--and other parts of you remind yourself that you're not back there anymore. By the end of the day, I pulled it back together, took myself out to dinner, and ended the day (you know what I mean <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) and from that point on, I vowed to not let my ex's affairs have ONE MORE MINUTE of my life.

GC, one year ago yesterday (or the day before) your sparrow tore down what you thought was your life. You didn't see it coming--OR--you didn't want to see it coming. After having your entire life foundation crumbled, parts of you returned and you decided (yes, it's a DECISION) that you'd like to try to save your marriage to sparrow...that you still loved her even though she had demolished your world and you thought maybe you two could reconstruct. Only trouble is, she didn't want to rebuild. Good, bad, or otherwise, the demolition was complete for her and she was gone never to return. You kept doing YOUR part of the rebuilding, hoping she might return one day, and you kept rebuilding you, hoping she'd see the ways you were changing and love you again.

Well, here it is...one year later...one trip around the sun and she is not coming back. So lil bro, you get to decide: are you going to keep giving her your minutes? Does her affair get to keep that day, or is that a day you are going to reclaim for graycloud? Does she get more of your tears, or has she taken enough of them from you? YOU get to decide this, lil bro. I personally chose to dedicate every future February 3rd in my life to me--not in a selfish way, but in a "I'm reclaiming this day and his affair can't have it" way. I want my Feb. 3rd's now and in the future, and I don't want to lose a whole day of my life to the past or to someone who doesn't love me. Well...I love me, so I take my February 3rds and love myself and do something special just for me that I like. D-day is now MY DAY, and I hope maybe next year, when we have taken one more trip around the sun, that your D-day will be "Celebrate GC Day." I even volunteer to throw the party! (((((GC)))))

Your true and faithful friend,




FNCJ

P.S. One of my favorite songs has lyrics: "I will go down with this ship--I will not put my hand up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door; I'm in love and always will be." If it makes you feel any better, I was in the marriage for a long time after the divorce was final--not because I really thought he'd come back, but because I wasn't ready to leave. Does that make sense? It's not stupid...it feels illogical and foolhardy...but it's completely normal. Your heart will leave your marriage when it is good and ready and no sooner--and that's cool.

Half-baked, J? I hope so.

To see that people can suddenly become so cruel, and that normally decent people can behave with such pride, cowardice, impatience, selfishness, and dishonesty, is a rough lesson. People like this are everywhere. Sometimes they're sleeping next to you. Sometimes, if you aren't careful, they're you!

The APs will read this post like they read all the rest, and it won't even affect them. They'll say I'm a self-righteous know-it-all, or they'll say I'm idealistic, and that those rules don't apply to real people, but only outraged moralists.

Or sparrow will say GC isn't such a perfect angel, he misrepresents himself!

The fact that I sometimes drop whatever I'm doing and just lie down and put my face in my hands and sort of shudder for a little while doesn't mean a thing to them.

So, C.J., yeah, I am still giving her my tears.

One time, years ago, the sparrow and I were driving. I was going on about some ideas I had - let's do this, or maybe this, or maybe this. Know what would be cool? Blah, blah, blah. She stopped me and said something like, "GC, you're outshining my dim little light."

I knew exactly what she meant, and I cared. Ever since she said it, it's been there in my mind. I didn't always heed what she'd said. I can get carried away. But that thing that she'd told me was always there, close in my memory.

Well, her light is the bright one now. She took mine and smashed it. It may be fixable, but it's still smashed.

GC

As often happens, I wonder how to start.

Lets try this -

Dear Mr. Graycloud,
I am writing this in response to your posts of the last few days.

It causes me much sadness to see the state of mind which I find you in this last little while. I can almost feel the emotional battering you have taken, though I realize I get only a small glimpse of the totality of the feelings you try to express here.

I am writing this formal letter to request that you leave off examining the wounds, and begin the healing process. I realize that it is good to know the extent of the damage before attempting the cure, but feel you have suffered enough, and that it is time to go on to the next stage of your life.

It has been said that the holy gift of time always takes the form of NOW. We can learn from the past, and we should plan for the future, but we have to live now.

I don't know if you will ever get an answer to the question "WHY?"

I think this is an important question, but I think it's time for a new one.

That would be:

What do I do now?

You are too valuable, too important, and to good to continue in your present direction. I will point out however, that only you can change your direction. No one else can do it for you.

If you were to drive by here on your way home from work tonight, I would be tempted to take you out on an over night campout. Perhaps to the edge of the Grand Canyon in a remote place where no one would bother us. I think it would be good for you to talk. Maybe you could sing, because that often helps.

Then I would ask you about your future. It is that I am most interested in, not your past. Your happiness lies out there in the future - I believe in it. I think it can come sooner - in the next few years. I do not believe it will be many years away unless you fail to work for it.

I am glad you have so many friends. Notice how much they care for you. Notice how they hurt when you are down. Notice how all of us try to help you find happiness -

I DO NOT believe your light has been smashed. I see it in your eyes from time to time. I see in in who you are, and in what you are.

I believe you know it's in there.

Do you have faith that there is a way to make it brighter?

SS

gc:

"She stopped me and said something like, "GC, you're outshining my dim little light.""

Ew! You know? Really good quality flat black flocked paper (the kind of stuff you line telescope 2bes with) is still flat black even under bright lights. I don't see APs as having "dim lights" so much as good dark surfaces (stated kind of like I prefer 2 say 'that pulls a good vacuum' instead of 'that sucks!').

"I knew exactly what she meant, and I cared. Ever since she said it, it's been there in my mind. I didn't always heed what she'd said. I can get carried away. But that thing that she'd told me was always there, close in my memory."

So, if I read you right, were you supposed 2 dim your light not 2 upstage hers? Or, would it maybe have been better 2 keep shining at 100 watts in hopes that she'd absorb some of the positivity? In the end, though, I think it's most important, above everything, 2 be sincerely, authentically GC. (because I myself have tried so many times in the past 3 years 2 be better than better, or different, or what-she-needs-now, and find that ME is pretty much all I can be... ...but I am a tad bichener for the effort <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

"Well, her light is the bright one now."

Maybe, but it's radioactive.

"She took mine and smashed it. It may be fixable, but it's still smashed."

She can't do anything 2 you or your light that you don't permit. Your light will shine through! (gad, 2long, LISTEN 2 yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

-ol' 2long

First of all, GC she did not smash your light as it shines through every time I see you post to others. I see it in your love of music, your humor, your sense of being a good friend. You have a great future and we all see it and are waiting for to see it too.

Now minor t/j. 2L, I loved this! Yes, you is all YOU can be but you are a better YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ok, end of t/j ...sorry GC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

First things first:

(((((((((((((Graycloud in the Great White North)))))))))))))

Now, my sad lil bro, let me tell you a parable:

Once upon a time there was a beautiful scented votive candle and a cute little tealight candle. The beautiful scented votive candle was fragrant and a little bigger than the little tealight--it's flame was brighter, the golden glow was more beautiful to the eye, and the scent just made the votive a joyous creation to those who burned it. The little tealight told the votive, "You're outshining my little light."

The votive cared that the little tealight felt outshone, so the votive started to shine a little less. The votive was meant to be in a crystal holder and give off fragrant oil scents, but it stopped doing that because the little tealight couldn't do that.

The little tealight did not realize that it was not meant to be a votive. It was meant to be a tealight in a potpourri holder, but it kept trying to glow like a votive and burning the potpourri. Also, it would burn itself out too quickly and it was not able to be used for it's purpose. So, rather than trying to do it's job to the best of it's ability...or rather than trying to better itself so that it had the fragrant oils and size and wick of a votive, the little tealight decided to tear down the votive and make it not do what it was meant to do either.

One day, the tealight was all burnt out, and not glowing as brightly as the votive, nor was it giving a beautiful fragrance--and the tealight decided to hurt the votive. It covered up the votive and no more light was seen by the votive...and then the tealight, all dim and burnt out, left the votive under the dark cover.

The poor votive thought that it was ugly, stinky, and couldn't bring light anymore. It felt like a melted pile of useless goo, and no one could even see how messed up and wrecked it was! But the votive was a well-made candle and was still in a good holder (even though it FELT shapeless). Underneath the dark cover, the votive began to reshape and harden into a useful votive again, but it still felt so dark and still had no fragrance.

**********

GC, can you see how you are the votive and sparrow is the tealight? Your light did not outshine her dim little light...you were created to do YOUR purpose and shine in YOUR way, and she was created for HER purpose and to shine in HER way. When you stopped shining so brightly so that she wouldn't feel so bad, you lost your purpose...and so did she. She wasn't supposed to be a votive; she was supposed to be a tealight! And GC, your votive light is not smashed and unfixable. You are just still under the dark cover and feeling liquid--but if you burn candles at all, you know that a good votive in a good holder can go completely liquid and completely lose it's shape, but still be completely functional. It just needs to harden and reshape! GC, your flame is not out--it's just hidden and where no one can see it, even you. You are still a votive! So the question is this: are you going to let the tealight hurt you because you're not a tealight, you're a votive? Or--are you going to become the votive you are meant to be, come out from under the dark cover, and let people see your light again?



FNCJ

Okay, how 'bout a VW metaphor? (Ss, I just KNOW you saw THIS coming!):

A company that makes adapters to mate various engines to wind-cooled VW transaxles compares the costs and wisdom of doing so, versus building a high performance VW engine in this manner:

Stock non-VW engine - like a Toyota V6 or something: inexpensive, good power, long engine life.

High-performance air-cooled VW engine: Expensive firecracker with a short fuse.

Keep on truckin', GC.

-ol' 2long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

C.J., I thought the metaphor was dead when 2long declared "Ew!" to it, but it lives on!

I'm not as broken down as I may be coming across. I'm not some poor old self-pitying lump, most of the time. But I post when I feel like that. And I have been pretty sad the last couple of weeks.

SS is right, I'm in the past and the muck and crud of all this still. It's where I belong right now. I don't date, by choice. My assets are all tied up with sparrow's. I'm still waiting to work on my house. I'm still married. That fact is too present, always interrupting when I think about the future.

I do think about it. I think about restoring my house, and doing more music, and finishing my degree, and about what weaver told me a few days back, when she told me to imagine that new thing that I can have with someone else. I think about doing more volunteer stuff. Sheeeit, yesterday my friends and I were playing basketball with a bunch of kids, and I even thought about having a child of my own for a second.

Now there's a faraway possibility.

FF, thanks for helping out with the "light" metaphor. Let's kill that beast, whaddya say?

GC

Vroom. What about motorcycles? I like motorcycles. I'm getting one.

GC

Cool, what kind?

GC:

Make sure it has a sidecar, for all those cute girls you're going 2 be dating soon! (one at a time, of course. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

-ol' 2long