And I agree, SLH is a little vague.

Awww, guys. I'm not vague. . . perhaps just. . . just tentative. With all of the very real anguish and turmoil and sorrow that has saturated this board, these pages in fact, I guess it's hard to feel that my problems hold much credence in comparison. My reluctance to share is only that you will think less of me, think I am grousing and lamenting when I have no right to be, when there are so many others on this board who have no one to grouse and lament about, or, have an affair crisis.

Remember, I came to MB because I felt I needed to bolster my resolution to meet my H's needs, and to make certain that I was not tempted to give license to mine being met elsewhere. I'd been feeling neglected, pushed aside, ignored, unappreciated, etc. and I had found myself getting too comfortable emotionally with another friend (yes, male, similar passions) when the person I should have been depending on was H. No affair ever took place in our marriage.

Rather than bore everyone with the threadbare details, suffice to say I am at the same place I was at 6 months ago, a year ago. Knowing and practicing MB, not always diligently, but more often than not. My H has never had to play games to get his needs met; it is something I truly enjoy doing and he readily admits that he reaps the rewards of MB.

I don't.

Don't get me wrong. He treats me well (certainly better than most of the h's I've heard of on this board), doesn't cheat, provides for my wants, and is a good father.

I just don't get my needs met. He tries, I suppose, but there isn't enough time, someone is always clamouring on him for something, work, family, house repairs, etc. Remember, this man works 2 jobs a day (14 hours), 5 days a week, so we can send our kids to a decent school in the area we live in. Weekends are for "cleanup" -- everything I couldn't do during the week. I can't blame him. But the stresses in our lives lead to distance between our hearts, expanses that are difficult to reclaim.

Mostly I guess my wandering post was a vent. I'm sorry. There's not too much anyone could say in terms of "direction". . . this is where we are right now. Choices, choices. But our choices have led to me feeling unfulfilled and saddened, mourning who I was, who I still could be, with him.

Have y'all ever done everything right. . . "by the book" per se. . . met all of your spouse's needs and still not had yours met? What happened? Are you still chugging merrily along, as I, wishing for a light bulb moment in your Spouse's head one fine day? Or are there rapids ahead I should be aware of?

This brutal work schedule is nothing permanant; in fact it is only for the next handful of months to pay off our worst bills. But I am concerned it will always be something. . . it has been, thus far.

"Well, aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

slh

SLH, you have mail my dear <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Faithful-hon, I appreciate it and will be writing you back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So not to further jack Gray's thread, y'all can email me at my [color:"purple"] .rr. [/color] email acct (if you know it) or

stonegatestables@yahoo.com (if you don't)

in the event you might have any pearls of wisdom you want to insert into your BB guns and have target practice with.

Make it so!


~ StillLovingHim

Just remember SLH, you are a very special person and should be treated as such. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Glad you liked the cream puffs. My grandma used to make them when we'd go to Milwaukee to visit. I'd never made them before...but I've got to say...they are worth it & it was fun making them.

Now, you've got to eat them on a blowy summer day...iced tea must be served and oldersters must be reliving their past adventures while watching kiddoes playing on the lawn. I pictured that while I was eating them. Gonna write grandma and tell her that I love her.

(sniff, sigh)

You are a worthy person to know.

My parents are here, helping me with the house.

We're doing very well. After the day's work was done, we ate pizza, looked at paint swatches, talked a little about sparrow. Had to stop that because my mom takes this all very, very personally. My mother has what some of you call a servant's heart, more than anybody I know. She thinks about other people all the time. She doesn't understand people who don't. Plus she's my mom, so naturally this whole business has hurt her, far more than I would have guessed. She still suffers terribly over it. Just thinking about it brings her to tears, and she's still mad as a hornet at the sparrow. I see this collateral suffering and it makes me like my wife even less.

Which makes this next bit even more bizarre.

I feel guilty about my infamous plan b phone conversation, and really the whole exercise. Sparrow cried, and plenty hard, when I told her I would not have anything to do with her, ever. Yeah, maybe after we hung up she dried her eyes, said, well, figures, and went about her business. But I'm driven by a strange, strange impulse. I feel like reaching out to her in friendship. Now before you all go telling me how sweet but foolhardy this is, me having this impulse... and how she'd be not at all interested, it's unlikely that I'll actually do it. But in my indignation and my refusal to associate with her, I hurt her. Yes, it was insane if she expected me to have anything to do with her.

Damn my eyes, I still love her. I should hate her. I don't love her in any romantic way, or in any attached, baby-please-come-back way. Not interested. I deserve someone who cares about me enough to not abuse me. But I have an odd feeling of concern for her, and I have some kind of vague hope for her. I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it and trap it long enough to get a good look at it. But there's something there. It's not just brotherly love. It's more personal than that. And it's not deliberate.

Feels good to write about this. I'm a little confused about it. It feels like letting go, and not, all at once.

GC

Hi, Gray.

You said: "It's not just brotherly love. It's more personal than that. And it's not deliberate."

You still love her. That is perfectly normal. She was in your head for over a decade. You have history together.

What will eventually happen, Gray, is the history and the memories will simply become facts in your mind, not memories bathed in emotion.

It takes time. There is nothing wrong in processing how you feel about her and your marriage. That is part of your healing.

Oh yea, I listened to your group on both websites. I really enjoyed all of the songs. Beth has a really nice voice. She reminds me of the singer on "Dead Dog's Eyeball", but I can't remember her name right now. I guess I am getting old :-)

God bless,
Gimble

Thank you, Gimble. I like the Dead Dog's Eyeball stuff. Beth's voice is similar... not warbly like that, but similar.

So tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the sparrow coming home after secretly carousing in the woods with the tinman over Mem. Day weekend, when she was supposed to be at the cabin "thinking". She came home and said, "I tried to miss you but didn't." Yeah, having the tinman's hand down your pants probably made it hard to miss me. And she said, "I think we should break up."

It was the day she took my life away from me. It was "Katie, bar the door." A day of pure horror, followed by many months of loneliness and sorrow. In the year that's passed, she has not showed me one speck of kindness or compassion. She's Darth Vader.

But I'm good. It's a gorgeous day.

GC

>In the year that's passed, she has not showed me one speck of kindness or compassion.

And yet, doors have opened and through your own compassionate specks (giggle), you've learned from and earned staunch supporters and friends.

There is a rainbow for every GrayCloud, dearie. Somedays, we have to take off the sunglasses to see 'em.

(squidges)

Want a chili dog? (and yes, it's weenie dog free...lmao)

I have not written in awhile, gc...I, too, recently had the urge to reach out to my husband in friendship--but that night I found out he's most likely engaged and our papers have not even been filed yet. Lol...thankfully that feeling passed quickly.

Perhaps you are not letting yourself let go of sparrow. This is my problem lately. I know I need to let go....I WANT to let go. But once I do...then it really it all over. A little hard to deal with that.

Please be well.

Ais, I think I'm further along than that. Still hurts sometimes, but my attachment to my wife is toast.

My IC told me, last time I saw her, that she saw a different fella walk into her office that day. She also advised me not to get surprised if I'm still hit with spells of sadness now and then.

She said something like, "You've allowed yourself to feel your pain, and even though that's tough, it's the best way to get through something like this."

Whatever.

Ais, sorry about your discoveries. Seems to me, your mistake has been trying to give him too much slack. Whatever the circumstances, he's acted like an a-hole from the beginning.

GC

Hi, Gray.

Quote:
===========================
So tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the sparrow coming home after secretly carousing in the woods with the tinman over Mem. Day weekend, ...
===========================

It is obvious (and normal) that you are still bothered by your wife's behavior. So let me ask you a question or four. When her relationship with other man is busted up, and she sends out feelers to see if you are still interested in her, what are you going to do? Where do you plan to be with your life?

I had another thought about your band. The last cut on Suzanne Vega's first album, I think the title is "Neighborhood Girls", is perfect fit for Beth's voice. What do you think?

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble, I don't believe she would ever reach out to me.

If she did, I'd talk to her. Because I want so badly to forgive her, and for her to be engaged in that forgiveness.

There's a fella posts here once in a blue moon. He and his family live in my area. His wife had an affair. Not so long ago, she got up in front of their church and talked about her affair. I have the recording of it.

Those are the kind of guts my wife would need if she ever wanted me to have anything to do with her. She does not have them.

Other women do.

GC

Hi, Gray.

Time is the great revelator. It watches the wearing down of rock, and hearts that soften. The bible talks about how all things will be revealed in time, and of unspoken secret things that will be shouted out atop of mountains.

Regardless of how hard she tries, your wife will never escape the truth of time.

All the best,
Gimble

Binder and I are a pair of screwups.

Tonight I was shot down by someone. I was ready for that, I thought. But it hurrrrrrrrrt. I went to my gig feeling awful.

Later, a guy in one of the other bands we played with said something nasty to me, something that insulted me, unprovoked. The thing that started it all, I was being nice to him. He was showing off, acting like a tough guy. So I said, "That's some attitude you got there, mister." But I was still pissed off. I couldn't let it go. A few minutes later I got an opening and shot something a little more harsh at him. He had it coming. I stood up for myself. He was very, very unpleasant. But now I feel horrible about it. I fell into his little trap of ugliness, and it makes me sick.

How does this relate to everything else? Who knows? I feel like a repulsive man and a failure. All it took was one a-hole to get me foaming at the mouth.

Sorry, this has nothing to do with my M getting ground up by an affair. I don't think this day being a big anniversary had anything to do with it.

Just disappointed in GC.

Hi, Gray.

Everyone has a nasty day here and there. What you are is normal.

Here is a way for you to work off some of that, and learn a thing or two about yourself in real time.

Find a local gym that offers boxing. Go there, get on some gloves, and buy yourself a sparring partner for a few rounds.

You may get a bloody nose, but I promise that you will learn more about yourself in fifteen minutes than you ever thought possible. In addition, you will lose a lot of anger, and a fair amount of fear.

If you do it, I promise that you will walk out of that place feeling like a million dollars.

By the way, the real tough guys don't act tough. They don't have to.

All the best,
Gimble

Haw haw, Gimble. That's something I've wanted to do for a long time. I'm sure you're right. I know exactly what you mean.

GC

Just being human, GC. You know WHY you are disappointed in yourself? Because you are a good man with a big heart. Everyone has weak spots, this man just found yours and push those buttons. I love the boxing idea, btw. I have thought about taking up kickboxing to get my anger and aggressions out.

Well, all my dating prospects have gone bye bye, so I don't have that to worry on for a while.

The sparrow's divorce decree is waiting for my signature.

Just spent a week working on my house. You should see it. It's done! Just kidding. I've barely begun, goldangit.

I've been terribly sad the last week. I think I'm in lexapro withdrawal. Stopped taking it about ten days ago. Gotta just ride it out for a few weeks, is what I'm hoping.

Amazing, what can happen to your life, ain't it? I'm so hard up. Last night a purdy waitress at the club we played asked me how I was doing (i.e. did I want another drink). I said, "I'm swell." She smiled, said, "Best adjective all night." In my mind, I even made a big deal out of that. Later we bantered for a minute as I was on my way out. No biggie. But women have been giving me hell for a few weeks, so I was willing to take anything, haw haw.

Looking forward to going back to work.

GC

Gray... isn't it amazing how that works?
You speak for the masses of, ummm... healthy, neglected... males out here/there/wherever...

"Best adjective all night." That IS kinda funny, though...