LOL, GC.

Well, I can promise you this -- I shall not inflict upon us all any more "reflective thoughts" in the form of lyrical prose to further embarass the tender hearts among us. *very big grin* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'll just say --

*ahem* and everyone can be suitably and dutifully pleased for me, LOL.


slh

Weavey:

You said you liked Moody Blues a while back. Here's another "spinoff" from Justin Hayward and John Lodge's "Blue Jays" album:

"Who Are You Now?" - Blue Jays

"Who are you now,
First love of mine?
If you could see
You'd reach out for me.

In hallways
And in secret doorways
Were love's hiding places
With nowhere to go.

Goodbye
To the fields and byeways.
I remember saying
I don't want to leave,
'Cos you were all there was to know about me.

Somewhere
On this crazy island
A familiar stranger
Sleeps so far away

But wonder
In the eyes of children
And the smile of fortune
Helps the memory fade,
'Cos they are all there is to know
About me.

Who are you now?"


The Blue Jays album has an interesting cover. A view, standing on a hill, looking down a road. There's a fork in the road. One road goes through an elaborately decorated wrought-iron gate. The other goes through a gateway made of rustic lumber. In the distance, in the mist, you can see scraggly trees and fog beyond the elaborate gate, and beyond the timber gate you can see blooming gardens.

The inside of the album has a view looking back up the hill at the rustic gate from the garden...

-ol' 2long

SLH,
I am so happy for you two.

What a great start !

It was my dad that taught me about getting someone's attention before talking to them. It works with anyone, or anything. (People, or animals.) They may not agree with you, but if you get their attention, it's amazing what you can do communication wise.

Dad is fine, I had forgottten one of his Fathers day Presents, and I took it to him tonight. He and mom live about 15 miles away. He is 76 this year, and in good health. He and Mom just got back from a trip with my brother and sis in law. They had a good time. Hob nobbed down the CA coast seeing the sights.

Camp was girls camp. Went with W and daughters. I taught some classes, and split wood for the fire.

Took some time for me. It's important do do that. Time to think, time to reflect, time to pray. Then comes time with my W - and then time with my children.

My job is something that I have to do to be able to spend time with my family. I like it, but the family is where my heart is.

Gray,
I have thought a lot about you these last few weeks. Still searching for something that will help. Don't know if I will find it. Still praying for you, still care.

SS stares into the fire. The flames dance. Shadows change, light flickers on the faces of those around the fire. Many voice their thoughts, many remain silent. SS throws on a stick.

SS, You okay, Hon? You sound kinda distant tonight. I'm hoping that it's just late, you had a lot on your plate this evening and you are merely in need of a good night's rest.

Nighty-night, guys.


slh

Thoughtful,
Wishing I was better at helping.

Night everyone.

SS

A little help?

Sparrow just emailed me. As usual, I deleted the message without reading it. But I didn't like getting it, so I'm sending her this message. It isn't too harsh, is it?

--

<bye bye>

GC

Gc:

I think it's 2 harsh.

But if you're not going 2 read what she sends, I think it's appropriate 2 tell her so, somehow.

-ol' 2long

Or:

Can you block her emails in such a way that she'll know she's being blocked?

2long, I'm pretty sure that not being fierce has kept me underwater.

GC

GC,

I can't argue with your reply.

I can't believe she emailed! If she's like my STBXW, she probably wanted only to get you to confess that it's all your fault - or maybe give her some money.

-AD

Ouch Gray!

Honestly? Your claws are showing, Hon.

I know you're mad, and still hurting. You mentioned fearing not being able to let go of this Resentment but I fear you are unconciously clinging to it. What purpose does it serve you?

If it were me. . . maybe drop the "Got it?"and "including the part where I tell you to go away", and remind her to correspond with you through your lawyer.

Not that she doesn't deserve it.

She does.

And more.

But you gotta get past this.

Besides, she will be a helluva lot more stricken by a response from you involving cold cruel emotionless facts than to know she still has the power over you to make you feel something for her.

Even if it is anger and disgust.


slh

gc, she's trying 2 bait you.

Either 2 argue with her or 2 "be friends."

doesn't matter what it is, but I think that an angry response will just help her convince herself that she won.

So would probably any kind of response, I suppose.

How 'bout something along the lines of what Gimble helped Binder write?

You're better than fierce, gc (though I bet you're a pretty good "fierce!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

-ol' 2long

Gray,

I must agree with you on your reply to her. She is at a place where she needs to start feeling the uncomfortable consequences of the destruction she has wrought on others lives.

And I also agree that you need to step into the realm of voiceing your true feelings.

I am in a different place in my sitch and am practicing asking God to bless Dan and make him whole. I can not live in a state of resentment, and neither can you. However, you need to speak your truth to her, and she needs to hear it.

"never shelter one from the consequences of their actions" Noodle

The thing is 2long and SLH is that you are both still with your spouses. You were not completely, utterly abandoned and then left to pick up the pieces of your shattered lives alone.

Gray got NO answers, NO kindness, NO compassion.

He needs to be able to put this behind him somehow, and nothing so far has worked.

I like his reply. I think it is the truth and why not send it.

She destroyed a young mothers life and didn't care if she destroyed Gray. Not one tiny bit.

I could be wrong, but she needs a slap in the face. Then maybe Gray can finish healing.

...but there is something in what SLH says...

Your reply lets her know that you are still hurting. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. She might gain some comfort from that. Maybe the coldest response is the best. The coldest response is to block her email and delete the message.

Being ignored is the most powerful message. You've told her now that you are ignoring her. Maybe you should block her now, so she can't even stir you up.

Read Gottman's "Relationship Cure". They call it "turning away". They, of course, are trying to cure relationships and in that context, you should avoid "turning away", but for you, curing the relationship is not the goal.

... or is it?

If she came to you in abject appology - confessed that she was a fool - and cruel and that she always loved you - and will do anything to win you back etc. etc. What then, GC? If the answer is that you would tell her to go away, then probably you should block all communications from her.

-AD

Then perhaps something along the lines of what Binder said 2 his STBXW would be appropriate.

...or whatever the troops said 2 Saddam Hussein when they found him in his spider hole? ...because they COULD have just pulled the pin on a grenade and dropped it in there for his perusal...

-ol' 2long

Yes maybe cold is better than angry. I thought it sounded pretty cold though. Maybe I am confusing anger and coldness?

Or maybe ignoring is best too. Who knows.

I need to read that book AD.

2long I read the lyrics to that MB tune at about 5am this morning and WOW. They really touched me because I was thinking along those lines last night as I pondered for "answers" to my sitch.

The album cover sounds really cool too. I might do a search on the net to get a look at.

2long I hope you have a really good vacation!

True Weaves. And if "not being fierce has kept him underwater" (a cross-post, so I missed that, I apologize, Gray) has anything to do with it, maybe he does need to let off some steam in her direction.

Feeling like your hands have been tied, helpless, like you have done all the right things for too long and never had the opportunity to have your say, is a terrible, terrible thing. Leaves you seething and bitter and restless.

If that is the case, Gray, I would say to hell with it and just get everything off your chest by writing the Sparrow a long letter detailing everything. You can decide if you want to send it to her later.

But as far as Resentment, and Anger, and long-term consequences on the Soul. . . I've been in Gray's shoes before, too. . . so I know of which I speak (nothing as life-shattering as a marriage, we were engaged). Resentment is a wicked, wicked emotion. It's all too easy to dig a deep deep harbor for it to anchor. Simple in fact.

I guess that is my concern.


slh

Sorry folks, weaver is right.

I need her gone, gone, gone so I can achieve something like forgiveness for her.

I want her to know she's not excused because she thinks all this is okay. I have a distict need to tell her it is not.

I don't care if she knows that she still has the power to hurt me.

AD, my policy is what it's always been. If she came to me and expressed anything like contrition, I would listen. But I know that she doesn't have what it takes.

Sometimes fierce is called for. I believe this is part of getting out.

GC