Had car4love over for dinner tonight.

I think I can say this without coming across creepy: she looked goooooooood. She's doing very well.

Guess I finally broke the silence with her. We talked a little about the other two. Not as much as you might imagine, but some. It's not like it used to be.

The tinman is still being an a-hole, would you believe? She doesn't mean to antagonize him. If he makes a demand, she only shoots it down if it honestly conflicts with what she wants to do. Of course, he thinks it's all about him. He thinks she's obsessed with him, apparently. She just wishes she didn't have to see him.

J... I was thinking about what you wrote, about the consequences of everything still in store, possibly, for your daughter and your ex, years into the future.

Car4love told me that the tinman has put, in his affadavits--part of the public record--stuff like, car4love forced him to get her pregnant with their second child (no I do not know what that means). She thinks about this information getting to her son when he's older, wonders if it will, wonders what she will say if he ever asks.

It's like a tsunami, invisible as long as it's in the deep ocean. Invisible so long as the child is too young to ask, too small to look for it. But the child will wonder, and will probably ask, and may investigate. And when the child goes looking, all the information is just sitting there, impossible to conceal. Nobody has to be malicious. The truth sits and waits, and comes out in its time. And this latent pain, this suffering that you have already lived through, it's like a living thing. You have no power to kill it, because it's the truth. You may as well try to hide a mountain.

All you can do for your girl is try to give her the strength to bear the weight of it.

GC

Utah, J.

J, I have met SS, and he's like you say. He bought me a burrito. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC

gc:

That description of TM's treatment of c4l... ...classic fog babble.

Still? After all this? Amazing, but probably true.

That R is going 2 crash big time someday. Statistics.

-ol' 2long

I made a friend at the park recently. Her kids are the same ages as mine.

The reason I bring this up, GC is that her wxh thinks everything is STILL about him 3 years after the fact. Everything is him, him, him. He does no wrong. He came at her while she was sitting in her car for a kid exchange. She rolled up her window, and he broke it. She called the police, and it's HER fault he was arrested. TM might not be that psycho, but it's still all about him.

Not only is he fully entitled to leaver C4L, but she is expected to be on pins and needles whenever he roars for the rest of her life. That she isn't, pisses him off to no end.

Wonder how Sparrow takes this? I mean, his rantings probably aren't limited to his lawyer. I dunno about Sparrow, but if my guy kept going after his stbxw legally I'd start to wonder if he was ever gonna let it end and when would she be out of their lives.

As for the baby, boys belong to their moms...esp if the mom is raising them by herself. He's going to be her steadfast supporter...watch and see.

Oh. And how exactly do you FORCE a man to get you pg? Wait - after a visual involving handcuffs, whips, and dog collars, maybe I don't want to know. I can see it: C4L holding a gun to his head, "IMPREGNATE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!"

Dolt.

J, you could be the emotional equivalent of my twin with those words. I am sorry for your pain.

Anybody around?

Hi campers.

Today was my pilot friend's birthday. Last night she was angry at me, for implying that if I thought her birthday plans were BORING, then I'd just skip going out with her and do my own thing.

It was like dealing with an angry girlfriend. Funny.

Sparrow and I never had confusing boy/girl conflicts like this. Well, toward the end we did, but she just hated me at that point and there was nothing I could do right.

I was remembering something that made me so sad tonight. I might have told this story before.

Many years ago, sparrow had her wisdom teeth taken out. I sat in the waiting room. An assistant came out, said sparrow was asking for me. I went into the recovery room. Sparrow sat there, her little cheeks all puffed up, and tears pouring from her eyes. She was helpless, weak, and scared. She couldn't talk. There was a little slip of paper next to her. They'd given her a pen, and in her hazy state, she'd managed to write my name, barely legible, on the slip of paper. I sat down next to her and she sunk into me.

I got her home and put her into bed. It hurt her to talk, and I worked in another room. I took a Coke can and put a bunch of pennies in it, so if she needed anything she could just shake the can and I'd come.

She had "dry socket" and was in a heap of pain for a few days. On followup visits, the surgeon was not very nice to her. Once I called him in the evening, because Advil wasn't cutting it, and she was suffering. He was so annoyed. Big jerk!

I'd have killed to protect her. Remembering these sorts of things isn't torture, except I think she still needs a protector, and she doesn't have one.

How's everyone else tonight?

Where I live, you know you've reached midsummer when the crickets come out at night.

GC

Holy moly!!! Where am I??!!

The last thing I remember was a few weeks ago when 2long handed me a jar with clear liquid in it and mumbled something about his grandaddy's recipe....

What's been happenin?

Hi Gray,

It seems like some women resent being protected. Maybe they feel patronised or whatever the word is.

Me, I don't want to be liberated, or independant, but it has been forced on me.

Weirdly , today, H and I were talking about men being protectors.

So much is going on here, and I haven't had a chance to process any of it.

Beth has gone to camp for 5 days , so maybe I will have a chance to breathe if work is not too crazy.

First off, I had the meltdown a week or so ago and H left to stay at the house.

This was a good thing.

He told me that Beth and I are welcome there anytime, (which is a pleasant change from threatening me with retaining orders if I went there...' )

I was a bit hesitant , but he said that he promises that ow will never go there again.

So I have. I finished Beths room and cleaned the house so that it is fit to be in, and she and I have been going there every night after I close up.

He got rid of her van that had been sitting in the yard, finally, which I am happy about.

I am sleeping in the same bed with him, but we haven't had sex since I had the meltdown. I still feel traumatised .We fall asleep every night holding hands, which I can't explain.

In the morning I have tea and putter in the garden, until Beth is up, and then we leave.

I don't think he has seen ow this week. She has still been calling him, but he doesn't know that I know.

I called her a few days ago, on impulse. Maybe because everything feels so crazy with all the lying and back and forth. I thought we could talk.

It was like talking to the devil. Twisted. Now I know where H gets his fog from.

I told him that we talked. I told him that I thought about what she said, and that he should probably move in with her. I think that made him nervous.

I think he is tired of playing this game.

Binder, whatever it was, I want some too.

Binder, how the hell are you?

GC

Not bad GC….Hiya Shul….how’s your lovely province….heard it’s been a wet one this summer. I’ve been an infrequent lurker, but as I don’t have my kids here for the month of July <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, I’ve been working 3 weeks straight with one day off. Fun stuff though.

Brief update: I thought and hoped I would be divorced by now, but it appears that either my STBXW was not picking up he papers from her lawyer or her lawyer was not pursuing the issue. Anyways, my lawyer asked to have the papers back so a process server could serve them, STBX’s lawyer then sent my lawyer an affidavit saying they had been served.. She now wants to go to mediation regarding communication issues and parenting issues!

Long and short of it is I have decided to allow direct emails and TM’s. I cannot put my friend through anymore intermediary stuff. It really doesn’t hurt me to communicate directly with her now and as I no longer want to save this marriage….what’s the point?
I’ve also informed my lawyer that the parenting regime set up in our separation agreement which was specifically written to survive a divorce, will not change. Me thinks the STBX is actually realizing she does not get to see her children on any weekends. Oh well. She signed it with the guidance of competent counsel.

GC, where is yours at? I’ve only read snippets as of late.

Big Sigh
Oh, Gray. I have not spent any time in you world, but I just read this one post. It has painted me melancholy.

You have touched me with this post.

I do not know you or your sitch - but I will try read some. Prayers to you.

far

Binder! Wow, haven't seen you in a long time. Shul that sitch almost sounds promising. Are you still hopeful? GC, my H forced me to take care of myself to the point that during MC he claimed I don't need him. ROTFL! He created the sitch! Then OW baby mama was a "rescue", sheesh. Actually I think the last OW was some sort of rescue too. Her hubby was never home and never paid any attention to her, boo hoo.

Funny thing is I really have needed rescuing and protecting so many times and had to face those demons alone. I hope he will step up next time and slay dragons for me. GC, you are such a good man.

Been listening to way too much Nickelback & Fuel lately. . . guess that speaks volumes, huh?

It's always "someday". . .

Argh.




"Someday"

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

[Solo]

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when. . .

I have a hard time reading a whole song that I don't know. I'm not very good with poetry. So rather than quote another whole song, I'll just quote the part that haunts me tonight.

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day

You know, one of the bad things about rediscovering music is that I'm also rediscovering how strongly it affects my emotions. It's not as bad as movies (I don't go to movies because of what they do to me), but it's bad enough.

Gray, I used to worry about protecting my ex. I swore once never to hurt her again. And you know, I did protect her.

And she liked that protection, until she grew to hate it -- as she grew to hate me. Then the protection became control.

I still don't know quite what to make of that. Was I controlling? I don't know. I know that when we would have a discussion, she would tell me I was completely wrong about what I thought she ought to do. And then three weeks later, she would tell me what she was going to do -- and it would be the thing I had suggested.

I used to think it was a funny, endearing part of our relationship. Perhaps it was.

It was also a sign of how much she depended on me. She used to say things that were exactly my words, almost as if she didn't have any of her own.

I wonder, looking back on it, whether any part of what I saw in her was real, or whether it was just an act because it was what she thought I wanted. I asked her many times to be real with me, to be honest and open and forthright, to let me know her heart and mind and soul.

She declined. And so, another song. For her, for me, for you, for all of us.

I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
For all the darkness
I feel like letting go

If all of the strength and
All of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this...

Full of grace.

It's better this way, I say
Having seen this place before
Where everything we say and do hurts us all the more
It's just that we stay -- too long --
In the same old sickly skin

Pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
In all the darkness
I feel like letting go...

If all of the strength
and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this palce I know I can love you much better than this...

Full of grace.

..........................

It's better this way.



Maybe it's better this way, gray. I don't know. I don't feel like it is. But maybe it is.

[i]I am looking for someone who can take
As much as I give
And give back as much as I need
You know and they still have the will to live
Cause I am intense
I am in need
I am in pain
I am in love
And I feel forsaken you know
Like the things I gave away

Won’t you whet my fire with your love
Babe[i]

Gray, aren'tcha glad we aren't this pushy about finding a girlfriend?

Golly, though, 1,500 hits so far. . . does make you think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Naw, we'd never!


slh

1500 hits... and a few takers. Ouch.

I'm pretty down on the possibility that someone will go for me. It's not a low-self-esteem thing. I just have a feeling I'm going to strike out for a long time.

J, I don't think it's better. You sound more down these days. Would you say you are?

GC

Yeah, Gray, I am more down these days. It's a faint lump in the back of my throat.

Some of it is the impending meeting with my ex and the things I'm thinking about with that.

Some of it is the burden of furniture and china and glass that landed in my house over the weekend -- relics from my aunt's house that have been in storage since my cousin's marriage fell apart in 2001, right after my aunt died. And there's much more history to that furniture. Generations of it, in some cases. There's a cauldron in my living room that was used for bloodletting at the battle of Pea Ridge. My mom's grandfather fought in that battle.

And some of it is the man with the sun in his eyes. He haunts me. Yesterday he took on the face of a man I know. A married man I know. It made me sad. If the man with the sun in his eyes is married, then I will take a vow of celibacy rather than follow this longing that urges me on.

And circling back, some of it is considering the hard things. Atonement. Making amends. Forgiveness. Reconciliation.

It makes me tired. So much pain in the world. And yet we go on, and much of the time we're happy.