B I N D E R
dag nab it, tell us what's happening.

I can't say I worry much about you, but I do some. Ok, quite a bit. You have been too quiet.

How are YOU - that part that still cries inside sometimes. How is the healing going?

I see the outward part is still as sharp as ever. Good that is...........but the inside part lies hidden. I can't see it. Wondering.

SS

My stars. Thank you, everyone. I'm no angel, you know, but my soul is intact.

I can't say exactly what this feels like. Like something though.

GC

You will be in our thoughts in the coming days and weeks GC....stay busy. I'm trying to ...but I keep crying. Hopefully it will improve, since I'm down to 4 times a day now...I am hopeful for you and you're an inspiration to us all. You have been a true gentleman.

SAR2

kicking at the coals... i could use a warm fire to sit around right about not. anyone else?

pass the marshmellows FL

chocolate and grahm crackers too?

faith, he is going to beat me up some more about what i confided to him last week about. i had done NOTHING wrong. i cannot control how he chooses to look at it. i did nothing wrong!!! there was a threatening incident that occured and i told him about it. i told him about it and the fact that i at all felt threatened by it is a red flag to him. i must not be serious about him cuz if i did i wouldn't worry about any attention from others... how about.. knowing my weaknesses, i want to take major precautions including telling him about it!!! isn't that a good thing??

and now he remains to be mad at me, in fact i think he is just getting madder actually. he is surely getting more distant. yes we ended up cuddling a bit at least last night but now it is clear from his last phone call to me, that meant nothing to him.

and now i'm feeling like i could so easily slip backwards!!!

so i'm ratting myself out here instead.

FL, this is HIS issue, KWIM? You are doing your part by telling him and by trying to protect yourself. Knowing your weaknesses and taking precautions are your part.

but look at the fall out that occured because of it

i mean, i do agree with you, but....

if i had not said anything to him, if i just quietly did the right things, which i did, last week. our weekend would of been so much nicer and there would not be this cold front occuring.

and now i'm worse tempted than i was when it first happened!!! kwim?

FL, do you see your own pattern here? The fight or flight? You are poised for flight, right? The main deterrent to your weakness is awareness. You have that tool in your toolbelt, use it. As for telling your H, I stil think it was the right thing to do. You see over time he will come to appreciate that you come to him instead of turning to someone else. Right now it likely triggers him but that is better than being kept in the dark. If my H would only tell me when he is tempted, yes it would hurt but far less than the possible results of NOT telling me.

FL,
He may be seeing it differently.

At this point he may be wondering if it will ever get any better, and if he will need to worry about it for the rest of his life. I would think it is hard on both of you. You look to him for support, and don't feel that you get it. And he wonderes how long he can do this because it eats away at him inside to think that you could have feelings for someone else...........

Do either of you (Faithful, or FL) see a solution to either situation?

SS

SS,

what i am referring to is not about feelings for another person. it was about an inappropriate contact that another person made to me. i do not know this person at all, however, his office is about 15ft from mine. he is not in my group or even in my dept. when we have passed in the hallway, he has said hi, i have said hi back. same thing that many people do around here, you pass in the hallway, you say hi. i have NEVER engaged in a conversation with this person. i have felt that his hi's seem extra friendly, but some people are just extra friendly.

last wed, he sent an IM to my screen (in internal communication messenging system) with just a "."

at first i didn't even know who it was, but i looked up the screen name and saw the room number and figured it out.

i sent back a "hi?" and he said he accidentally sent that "." which i knew could not be the truth. i then looked in my options and brought up the list of people who had me on their contact list and saw his screen name there.

there is absolutly NO reason this person should have me on his contact list. like i said, different dept completely. he then asked me what dept i worked in, i told him the dept head's name and then i said i was leaving my office to go back to the class i was taking that day.

it felt wrong, although he said the initial msg to me was an "accident", i knew it could not be. and yes, i felt a little flattered, considering how ugly i've been feeling, inside and out.

the next day, we bumped into each other at the cafe but nothing other than hi was exchanged, so that was good.

but it still bothered me and i just don't want to have anything like this in my life.

on the way home on thurs i decide the best route would be to tell my H. so i did. i told him exactly what i said here, included that i did indeed feel a bit flattered and that i didn't like the fact that i felt that way and given my history, i have learned the best thing to do is to face it head on, admit to the feelings but then choose actions based on principles of who i want to be. which included telling him.

from the moment i had decided on the way home on thurs to tell him, i felt better.

but then i told him and it backfired...

ok, i can deal with his knee jerk reaction being negative. but now it has been 5 days....

so NO, i don't see a solution right now... do you?

i told him exactly what i said here, included that i did indeed feel a bit flattered.............

I mis-spoke when I said "feelings." I meant what you said above.

and that i didn't like the fact that i felt that way and given my history, i have learned the best thing to do is to face it head on, admit to the feelings but then choose actions based on principles of who i want to be. which included telling him.

Telling him was good. His not being able to deal with it is not good. HOWEVER, we need to deal with the facts. He probably is wondering if it will ever get better, and if he will have to deal with it long term.

I would guess that he has a hard time talking about his feelings, and that he is sometimes emotionally not there for you. It may be more a communication problem than anything else, but it's real, and it is important.

from the moment i had decided on the way home on thurs to tell him, i felt better.

You are doing what you need for recovery, but he is not doing what he needs. He needs to learn to see what is really going on, and deal with the facts, not with his feelings about what is going on. His feelings can, and will change if he can understand and see the good in what you are doing - which is trusting him, and going to him for help. He should be flattered that you trust him now.

but then i told him and it backfired...

I am sorry for you, it doesn't help your recovery.
Sorry for him too, because he has such a hard time dealing with it. However, his feelings are his feelings, we can't change them DIRECTLY, only work with what we have. His responses can be changed over time if he is trained properly. (My W trains me too, and it's a good thing.)

ok, i can deal with his knee jerk reaction being negative. but now it has been 5 days....

I bet something active will need to be done, not just wait for time to pass.

so NO, i don't see a solution right now... do you?

I see some things to try.

Praise him for listening, even if it hurt him to do so.
I know it's hard to praise someone who reacts badly, but it is true he listened. It helped you, tell him it did, and thank him. Do it over and over, using different words to say the same thing. I think it would help him to see the connection between you talking to him, and you being able to heal.

He needs see it as a good thing, not a bad one. If he can make this connection a bunch of times, his feelings will change. Note, it will take doing it over again lots of times.

Does this make sense?

SS

Basically what I said to you, FL only ss says it better.

FL, do you see how much you have grown? I do!

Faithful,
I was just trying to back you up. Take the credit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS

SS, you said it wonderfully.

ok, so if he starts to "beat me up", for lack of better words:

1. i will stay clear in my head.... i AM handling this correctly.

2. i will help him focus on the facts. perhaps the less emotional i become the better i can help him focus on facts.

3. i will tell him how his listening helped, (right now thanking him for listening feels a bit harder to do but i will. because he did in fact listen.)

i agree he needs to see the good in this but right now, all he sees is that there is "another" issue he has to deal with.

i swear, my opinion... these issues are happening BECAUSE we are not dealing with it correctly... its like the universe is saying... oh, you didn't learn yet.... here ya go, here is another one for you to try then...

i'm almost feeling mad at him when i think about how he is holding us back!!!

but i seriously say ALMOST, cuz in reality i'm not mad at him, how could i be, the good news is... i'm certainly not mad at myself, cuz i'm not doing anything wrong.

the person in question can no longer IM me now and i will NOT engage in any conversations in the hallway and if he comes to my office again (he did today, but i was not in it) i will flat out say, "i am married and i therefore don't believe in having male friends, it's my way of honoring my H."

i already informed him today that i am indeed married, he said he didn't know, and then he said he is too.

the other good news for me.... i'm NOT flattered by this at all now. i was starting to freak just because of i know who i used to be but i'm NOT that person anymore and it's actually very cool that any attention from this person is actually a repulsive thought at this point.

YES! Another perspective on this FL, not the UNIVERSE but the evil one is testing your faith. He lost you to God and he is trying to lure you back. Good job! ewww... THIS is so right on. Good going, FL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FF, i really was thinking more about satan when i said the universe, that is such a scarier thought though, cuz that means the incidents are not being put in our path to help us grow, but being put in our path to do us harm...