Well FL, satan puts temptation in our path and God can use it for good. Read Romans 8:28

It's another issue, because he doesn't see a reward for dealing with it.

If you praise him for listening, and helping you, he gets something back, and it's a win/win deal.

Never tell him his feelings are wrong, just praise what he does for you that helps you.

"Thanks for listening to me, it helps me so much. I am so glad you are here to help me, and take care of me."

Stuff like that. Praise him when he helps you.

(Later, when both of you are on the same page, you can have blunt talks, but not yet.)

Note that I have been married for 28 years and we still have issues. Some of these things are gender based. (Men are from Mars, Women from Venus)
Some are habit, the way we grew up and learned to deal with things.

It is exciting (was for me) to find MB and learn that there are ways to change, and make our marriages so much more rewarding. We are three and a half years after finding MB, and it is so much better.

Basically it is not reacting badly to what hurts us, but finding ways to help each other, and get over the hurt.

It's an emotional version of "you scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours." It's realizing what things set us off, and not letting them get to us any more. It takes one person that understands, being willing to teach and be patient with the other while they catch up.

It's hard, but it's fun and rewarding too.

I promise.

SS

2long pours a flask of liquid oxygen on the fire, instantly converting everything in the BBQ in2 bright flames, matter converted 2 energy, even the enamel on the BBQ.

2long retreats 2 regrow his beard.

-ol' 2long

2-long -

Good to see you again. I am still pondering whether rocks can be monogamous.

What was that flash? I was snoozing at my desk.

GC

believer:

Well, I don't think rocks are gamous at all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Oh No !!

I think the dinner got burnt.

Shall we go out for pizza?

SS

Hi Weaver,
( SS waves frantically )

2long, are you celebrating the landing of the shuttle, or was there something else behind that pyrotechnic display? (And I swear they said this morning when I was listening to the radio that they SAFE the shuttle before anyone's allowed to approach it. Where'd he get that stuff? Liquid O2 is HIGH POWER! And, errr, cold. I wonder if the fire would go out because of the cold, or explode from the accelerant properties. Hmmmmmm.)

J

JJ:

Yeah, the landing was cool.

They safe the shuttle after landing because the retro rockets are fueled by hydrazine, which is poisonous (like amonia but quite a bit stronger). So, they have 2 make sure there aren't any leaks after landing.

-ol' 2long

Hey, 2Long - I was looking forward to meeting you in Burbank. Hopefully there will be another event we both attend.

far

So - is it me - or is the shuttle like all carbon tiles on bottom, and fiberglass blankets on top? It looks as if the white surface is fluffy! (did not notice until the thermal blanket under the window attention occured)

Gray, how are you holdin' up this week? We are thinking of you.

I think it's tiles pretty much all over. The black ones are for higher tempera2res.

...but SLH would know more than I do about those

-ol' 2long

morning all,

wow 2long, take it easy, you could hurt someone with that stuff!!

SS, FF, thanks for the posts yesterday, it helped me soooo much!!! (hey, guess it's not that hard to thank someone when they help)

i was not at all agitated when i got home from work yesterday, i was a bit hot as i decided to ride my bike to a farther away train stop in order to get more miles in and i was HUNGRY!!! my H had dinner close to done already. (yes, i thanked him.)

we had not chance to talk until quite late and by then he was too tired, although he said he did have things he wanted to say, he was too tired to unscramble his thoughts and say it outloud. he asked me if i had anything to say and i took that opportunity to say thank you for listening and that it did in fact help me keep everything sorted out in my head and that it just felt good to be able to say anything to him. then i said it also feels bad to have something that helps me bring him more pain as that is truely the LAST thing i want to do.

over the weekend, i must admit, i was looking at it wrong, i was thinking telling him anything was a bad idea because we ended up more distant (and i was SOOO looking forward to that weekend!!).

but i have to focus on the bottom line, it IS progress for me, not only because i confided in him (i was going to say i was comfortable confiding in him, truth is i was not, but i did and that will help me move towards feeling comfortable confiding in him in the future) but also because I recoginized and put in precautions, by telling my H, and by telling the guy i am married, (i may have to tell him stronger today and i am ready to do so!) to not allow any temptations to even exist. i've learned a lot!! i have learned my weakness and i have learned tools to address them.

i think it is hard for my H to understand why i am saying i still have this as a weaknes... i know he is asking himself and me... am i saying i want to stray again? and he cannot take any comfort in me just saying, no i don't. he wants me to be more like him. to have the concept be so out of the realm of possibilities that he does not even concern himself with it.

but doesn't he see?? i cannot do that, just like an alcoholic cannot be causual about the temptation of being around alcohol, especially when sobriety has not been that long.

to NOT be aware of my weakness would be careless and just plain wrong of me.

i should not have to apologize for my need to feel loved. i should not have to apologize for wanting to be told i am special and valued and treasured. don't we all really want that?? and i am smart for knowing that those needs are not really being strongly met right now (due to my own actions, i know!!) and that leaves me vunderable. it is not a bad thing to be vunderable, it is a bad thing to know you are vunderable and not take pre-cautions!!

well, that sure got long!!! back to staring at the nice fire.

gray, i too want to again say... you are in my prayers and i hope you are doing ok.

Thanks, SLH & FL.

FL, have you named your weakness? Is it nameable?

Each of us has to define our boundaries. Having to be particularly conscious of yours, and vigilant in your protection of them, does not make you a bad person. It is, however, your cross to bear. I hope your H can learn to help you carry that burden.

Me, I'm doing okay. I don't quite know what to make of my new circumstances. Strangely, when I learned my D was finished, my house was not suddenly overrun with women.

Seriously though, there are some things I'll need to define more clearly now that the boundaries of my own marriage are gone.

GC

What?? They didn't read the ad I put in your local paper? j/k truly excellent thought about new boundaries now that you are single. You are in my prayers as well, GC.

GC,

i bet it won't be long before that changes!!! but i bet you are smart enough to know to take it slowly.

your question to me is a really good one, but i don't really know if i can name it...

i don't think it is accurate to say my weakness is my need to feel loved and valued. because i think that is a natural need. i'll have to think more about how to really name my weakness. i think that could be a really helpful thing to be able to do. thanks.

Hi FF!!! waving enthusastically.

Hi FL!!!

HI!!

GC's question is making me scratch my head. i don't really know how to name it. and now that the question is in my head i want to give it a name. seems like it would be more managable that way.

what the heck is my weakness exactly???

ok, i know i have many weaknesses, but my weakness for chocolate, for example, did not contribute to my poor decisions, nor did it contribute to me putting myself in situations where other men can take advantage of situations.

FL - I didn't think you were thinking of a proper noun, but the subject made me think of a story - a book I read once about an alcoholic. He referred to his alcoholism as "the Spider". When he was recovering, he followed this simple rule: "Don't feed the Spider". Once he named it, and learned to recognize it, he refused to ever do what it wanted. He knew that everything it told him was a lie, that it tried to disguise itself as other things, and that all the advice it gave him was bad. He knew it could never be trusted, because it wanted him to drink alcohol and die. He knew also that this Spider was not separate from him. It was a part of him, and it could never be killed - only acknowledged, then dismissed.

GC